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Thursday, May 08, 2008
Ahhh, another summer of bitter regret and minor surgeries....
...but enough about us!!!!!
Lets have a look at what the Wizards players will be upto this offseason!!!
Oleksiy Pecherov is goin fishin!!!
Longtime readers know that every summer is a fishing trip tradition down south with Christian Laettner (Captain) and Jared Jeffries (Rods n Reels) and Peter John Ramos (Human Chum Scoop). Well this summer they are down two men!!!! Jared Jefferies has decided to stay in New York this summer cuz he has busy plans ever since he moved into a loft in Williamsburg Brooklyn with those It Kids THE MISSHAPES. Suddenly JJ aint got time for his old buddies fishing trip! No hes too busy thrifting and DJing and curating polaroid shows and removing Geordon Nicols hand from his thigh and being Grand Marshall at this years Pabst Blue Ribbon Big Wheel Invitational at McCarren Park Pool and modelling Imitation of Christs new Big & Tall line on area runways.
Party John? Oh he had his license revoked by Department of Fish & Game for strangling a dolphin with his bare hands.
Im too cool 4 skool!
Right now Im standing in the vomit of an American Apparel model!!!!
Dont hate me because Im beautiful!
Nick Young & Andray Blatche:
Summer League is when the basketball season really starts for Big Dray! These guys have both made committment to bulking up and living healthy this offseason so they r kicking of the summer by hosting an huge 80s Fitness Party at Tyson Sport & Health Club!!! Biz markie will DJ the aerobics, with Jane Fonda's Prime Time Workout on the big screens, while the players and guests tone down in day-glo spandex, cream tights and leg warmers!
Antonio Daniels will be teaching Jive as a Second Language at Wheaton College! Way to give back Brown Hornet!!
Roger Mason will follow a long tradition of DC free agents and sign with Detroit! Also following tradition, he has to spend his rookie year in Detroit driving Ben Wallace's 1997 Honda Accord (still tricked out with in-dash Playstation One console!)
Darius SOngalia will spend his summer playing for the Lithuanian Olympic team in CHina!! Li-Town!!! Chi-town!! Pride!!! SARS!!! Nick Young puts in an order for 40 tubes of "that 99 cent Colgate they got at the Duty Free." The team fails to get to the medal round but Songalia spends his free time running Ma-Jong games in Beihai Park where his wiley skillz earn him the nickname Baitu ('The White Rabbit') among locals.
Speaking of travels... to show his thanks for a breakout season, Brendan Haywood takes shooting coach Dave Hopla on 6-week Eurorail trip!!! When they hit Amsterdam, Hopla takes in the legalized prostitutes, open-air jazz clubs, sets a cafe record for huffing 307 consecutive skunk bowls and announces "Oh God Ive wasted my life!!!!!!" Re-dedicates himself to coaching young American backpackers on their joint-rolling technique.
Caron Butler donates an undisclosed organ to Abe Pollin!
A busy offseason for Gilbert ARenas! In an effort rehab his knee 'responsibly' Agent Zero scales back his physical conditioning to appropriate levels: running two-a-days with the Lithuanian Olympic team, and sprinting up and down the Lincoln memorial steps each morning naked with a parachute on his back and cinder blocks strapped to his thighs. Gil camps out in front of the Towson Best Buy to be first in line for the DVD release of Gnome Named Gnorm. When picked up by Ernie Grunfeld to discuss his new contract, Gil, fresh off playing 50 straight hours of Grand Theft Auto IV, forgets where he is and carjacks Ernie at knifepoint! Barack Obama tries to distance himself for Gil when Defense Department reconnaissance photos reveal Gazo The Pranksta's animation studios in North Korea receiving delivery of Uranium centrifuges. Gil decides to take up yoga in the offseason. Flips a coin to decide between Ashtanga and Bikram. Heads: Ashtanga, Tails: Bikram. Coin comes up Tails. Gil chooses Ashtanga. When he discovers "Puzzling At Altitude", "Plotting The Takeover"" and "Accessing The Hollywood" are not real yoga poses, he organizes a squad of rival Bikram students and leads a no-mercy paintball raid against his yoga class.
Dominic McGuire is invited on Entertainers with Byron Allen. Byron actually thinks he has booked Dominic Monaghan but D-Mac, being a true professional, never lets on, and patiently answers Byron's questions about dating Evangeline Lilly, the difficulties of acting in large rubber Hobbit feet and even teaches Byron how to do a Manchester accent!
Etan Thomas spends the summer as a fellow at New Hampshire's prestigious Macdowell Colony for writers, where he causes something of a stir. Fellow resident Carolyn Forche stuns friends when she returns from the colony wearing a West African mud-cloth sarong and releases Blue Hour 2: The Skin Trumpeter - a work of free verse urban erotica about a middle-aged poet who is sexually awakened by the dark charms and strong hands of Taj, a West African slave reincarnated as the owner of a Harlem jazz club.
Antawn Jamison forgets he is still wired for TNTs "Mic'ed Up" segement and all summer long we get to hear him singing along to Richard Marx in the elevator, drunk dial Susan O'Malley, and test new nicknames on his family ("OK from now on y'all gotta' call me 'The Go' when we go out. You kids gotta call me that too, I don't wanna' hear no more 'Dad' business- it's THE GO from now on and we all gonna' be on board for this and that's just the way it's gonna' be").
DeShawn Stevenson finally shaves his beard, and gets a new tattoo that says "BEARD" where his beard used to be. DeShawn has a long summer to develop his trash. Lotta people been slamming DeShawn Stevenson for letting his wild brain take a walk in his mouth this season, saying his breath blow brassier than Fred Wesley and that LeBron put that brass in pocket cuz he is nothing but a Pretender. And these are mostly the same people who said we should have never signed DeShawn and we should have thrown those pesos at the man they call 'La Bomba' ('The Sardine'), aka Juan Carlos Navarro, but be careful what you wish for armchair analists, because DeShawn earned every last penny as an entertainer and that counts for alot and things could have been much worse as you will see in this timeline of the alternate universe in which we signed the Spanish Junker:
October:
JCN and Anderson Verejao make friendly bet on who can go the longest without bathing.
November:
JCN SHows Dan Steinberg his offensive Smurfette tattoo.
December:
Begins blogging for El Mundo, where he admits he is dating Joy Behar.
January:
Appears in an episode of the telenovela Tierra de Pasiones as a grape farmer with an eye patch and a mysterious past.
February:
Video of an impromptu drinking contest with veteran matador Jose Ortega Cano becomes small youtube hit in Spain.
Throws a Don Juan themed birthday bash at Club Love. JCN and his entourage turned away by doormen for being underdressed, spend rest of the evening by the hot dog cart in their Ed Hardy party shirts catcalling women.
March:
Verejao bet begins to take toll: JCN misses 12 games due to 'mange'.
Claim that Mussolini was 'underrated' earns a 2 game suspension.
April: Fined by league for making offensive and elaborate "Chupe Mantequilla de mi Culo" gesture at Daniel Gibson during Game One. Gibson responds "With Juan Carlos it is kind of funny. If I had anything to say to Juan it would be like Fat Joe saying something bad about Menudo. There's no comparison. Enough said." For Game 3, JCN flies in former Menudo members Fernando and Nefty Sallaberry to sit courtside. The Sallaberry brothers get drunk and are ejected in the 2nd period for exposing themselves to Dominique Dawes.
JCN reveals he lied about his age on his immigration papers and is in fact 43 years old. As punishment, the NBA voids the Kwame Brown/Caron Trade. Wizards are swept.
AS FOR US WIZZNUTZZ????
Well Jaarko has spent enuff summers chopping onion as Herring Boy at the Borga Segelsallskap Yacht Club and this year is off to be counselor at Aava Camp! Go Jaarko!!! He will be teaching the kids to tie nooses and how to identify different meats in the wild. But before all that responsibilites comes the first night when older counselors get happy drunk and make new friends! Jaarko sends us a picture!!
Meantime August Strindberg is 'devastated' by exciting news that he will be hired as script supervisor for new Charles Oakley cooking show CAFE OAK!!! Besides his job of injecting turgid gravity into O-Towns cheffin' banter, August will also provide comic relief in a small recurring cameo as an angry butcher!!!!
As for me I will spend next few weeks back in Saginaw trying to find a vet for my mothers handyman lover Jerry W. Wilkins. Sad part is Jerry doesnt even have any pets but the things a boy will do for his mama!!!
We will also be here from time to time to change the sawbust in Kens box and we also have some exciting Mothering Hut fashions to bring you so stay safe, stay close, stay pliant!!Labels: offseason
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Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Back Very Soon with End of Season Incites!!!
Meantime by popular demand:
Cheap LeBron 'Crybaby' SHirts!
In 3 styles!
Boston celtics colors!
CHECK EM OUT!
Theyre trying to hurt me Danny!!!!!
 Labels: Mothering Hut, Queen James
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Friday, May 02, 2008
The image is a pant, a breath, but it is an expiring breath, on its way to extinction. The image is that which extinguishes itself, consumes itself: a fall.
-Buzz Bissinger
Ain't no way against me you can get juice
-Vanilla Ice
DONT CALL IT A COMEBACK!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus Bron Bron, u call yourself KING, you aint even BILLIE JEAN KING!!!!
because Billie Jean didnt cry when she was beaten by a backhand!!!!
SAY oops up side yo head, say oops uposide yo head somebody say obala!!!
When Tuff Juice put tha soul in tha hole destiny turned on the radio and tuned it to Stephen Malkmus who was closing out his set at Wow Hall in Eugene Oregon and honored his playoff promise when he yelled 'FREE PAPA JOHNS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!' and now the STICKS and STONES SERIES comes on home, Baby C'Mon!!!!!
The Wizards had to get back to playing basketball so Captain Antawn called a players only meeting after game 4 and sat his teammates down for two hours and read them Shel Silverstein books. And when he was done the team emerged as a real team again, ready for sharing. Nick Young emerged wearing a big cardboard box with a smiley face drawn on it but it turns out that had nothing to do with the Shel Silverstein stuff.
And it wasnt always pretty. Winning UGly isnt just the name of the Popeye Jones' Learning Annex Seminar, its our new playoff slogan. ArgeyBargey, limbs akimbo, turnovers, stray passes, t-ups, mutt technique. Man DeShawn's got an ugly shot! DeShawn doesnt shoot the three pointer so much as he squeezes it out!!!! But dont let those cleveland tears and tiaras fool u cuz this aint no beauty contest.
Game 5 answered some big questions, like do the Wiz still have fight in them?
and will they keep their poise?
and like wHo is the worst player in the NBA, Wally Szczerbiak or Anderson Verejao??
Sure ANDY VERAJINA is a bulbous spotfaced shirly temple turdface mofo but WALLY is as special kind of series-turning mess. Those oafy turnovers off the legs, the ball click-clacking off his tindersticks, his eyes cloudy with the powerless and resigned familiarity of old Bob Barker standing a lifetime infront of the giant prop Pachinko game on the Price is Right, thinking about the neutered as the big plastic chip goes click-clacking down to its $5 fate. Wally is so amazingly slow. If Lebron isnt even Billie King Wally isnt even Bobby Riggs.
How slow is Wally??
Wally is so slow he got a sponsorship deal from UGG Boots!
Wally is so slow he hangs round local special ed school looking to drag race the school bus!
Wally is so slow he warms up to Luther Vandross!
Wally is so slow that after games he gets treatment on his bedsores!
Wally is so slow at night he has dreams he's Tracy Murray!!!!!!!!!!!
SO after this stirring road win why is it all NBA Analists wanna talk about is how they hate Gilbert Arenas?
How team is better off without him? Taking cheap shots at a 3time allstar who took pills and shots just to hobble around for his boyz? Saying team dont need Zero cause they get role playrers involved more when hes not making gamewinners all nitelong. Whatever that means cuz if players standing around thats a coaches problem but even then that doublethink is like saying "hey kick Jack Tripper out of the Regal Beagle so they can develop the character of Larry".
Most outrageous of the haters is our old friend Mike WIlbon.
He penned some long penny dreadful thats all about some people called "doers" and how DC dont need Gil and Gil talked trash. Hold it Gil didnt talk trash he just was just candid bout wanting to get a shot at the Cavs but theres no personality beads on scorekeeper Mikes big abacus and even so you got a lot of nerve telling people to shhhh it. You aint the Librarian around here! You the towns biggest blowhard. Youre Star Jones pal. These days WIlbons bashing everyone, Gil, and Bloggers!!! grumping like a new money Mr. Wilson, being like hes Basketball Van Guardian, the judge, giving his Cosby sermons on black pride, throwing his phantom weight around, the King of All Leisure lectuiring folks on work ethic, more yappyyappy from the man only made in the lazy old George Michael mafia.
You think you have right to do all that talking
I GOT THE CONCH!
I GOT THE CONCH
I GOT THE CONCH
I GOT THE CONCH
All day long!! Well i hate to break it 2 u piggy but SUCKS TO YOUR CONCH!!!!!!!!! cuz we all got conchs these days!!!! You dont got the only voice now. The rules have changed and they changed because of a little magic thing called COLECOVISION and theres one in every basement and a thoiusand little conchs and a thousand voices on the internet cuz we all get to speak and do our thing, a magic land of freeness where a man can do whatever he can dream, like posting pictures of a nude Maury Chaykin or checking her ranking on the Montgomery COunty Sex Offender database, or where a former great playwriter from Sweden can redeem himself on the Chowhound message boards reviewing the menus of Florida area strip clubs.
Its the internet! Its an opensource frontier, its an apartment with the blinds left up, its a place of gatherers and the gathered, its a midget running through the big science lab letting out the monkeys.
You know who we'd be better off without? Michael WIlbon. Thats who!
Cuz these days you are less relevant in DC than an Arizona Big and Tall store. You smell like obsolesence and it smells bitter and musty like recalled Michael Jordan Incense!
Because Gilbert is the heart of soul of DC hoops.
Hes ANANSI!!! HES THE FOLK HERO!!! THE TRICKSTER!! THE KING OF STORIES!!!!
While u r nothing but a Cowitch
With Gilbert the Wizards are Gabe Kaplans CBS team on Battle of the Network Stars.
Sure the other networks might win more and Chachi can stick his obstacle course record on his tombstone but you play for NBC you play for Savalas, and he was a facist captain, who humiliated his plauyers and set curfews and made Linda Lavin have an abortion all just to win. And u play for ABC you play for Robert Conrad and u get great splits in the team relay but you have to listen to his anti-semitic rants at practice and cover up Dan Haggertys heroin problem.
But you play for Gabe Kaplan you know one thing for sure: win or lose you will have fun, you will wear short shorts and you will hear bad puns and you will remember why you fell in love with sports in the first place and you will shower with Penny Marshall!!!!
NOW ITS INTO THE MOTHERING HUT FOR GAME SIX!!!!
PRO'VERB WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT!
FANS CALL FOR WEEPOUT AT THE BUDDY BOOTH TONIGHTE!
FREE THE UNCIORN SLAYER!!!!Labels: Playoffs, Playoffs 2008
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Thursday, April 24, 2008
EVERYONES TALKING CRAZY ABOUT THE HARD FOULS!
NBA promises to crack down on "OUCHIES"!!!
The media is going crazy about HAYWOOD and LEBRON aka CRIMSON and CLOVER aka GOOD TOUCH and BAD TOUCH, acting like suddenly Brendan Todd is Sweeney Todd, somekind of crazed enforcer. CMon now LEBROn v Haywood is Rourke vs Schwimmer my friends we arent blind. IF BTH is ruffing you up, making ya cry "THEY TRYIN TO HURT ME DANNY!" then u know u soft. ALmost makes me wish we were back playing against ANDRES 'DIRTY WAR' NOCIONI. He might have been a filthy Argenitnia whore but at least he could take a kick in the Falklands.
This isnt hard ballin, this is a goddamned Pillow Fight we say!
We say its not physical enuff!!!!
U r playing for championshoips, not posing for a Ann Geddes calendar!
U want pain try 2 weeks in August in the Mothering Hut with Ken Beatrices night terrors and your forie in a cracked Greedo Pez dispenser !!!!
Verizon Center staff place playoff pillows in arenas seats:
We say Punks jump up get beat down!
We say go Cronenburg on they asses, corruption of tha flesh!
We say no more scared pawing at loose skin, cuz U aint no Dwayne Wade and they aint no Star Jones.
Cuz right now Queen james is having his way in the lane, like a bull in a vagina shop.
When he drives lane, its like the goddammed video for "OWner fo a Lonely Heart" by YES: a dude having seizures while a bunch of big eyed reptiles sit around and stare. Cuz Queen james is owning us right now, hes not even owning DeShawn hes just leasing him cuz he doesnt want to be responsible for the oil changes.
And what happened to tha TREACHOROUS THREE???
Twan and Tuff Juice gotta step up, cuz thats what leading men do. Theres a reason they called them books The Hardy Boys Mysteries and not 'The Mysterious Chet' cuz Chet was a role player and his role was to "breathe a sigh of relief" not solve crimez DW DIXon stlye. You dont Die and Get Rich Trying in this league, making your dollars donating at the Sigh bank! And yes Caron was hot at All Star but have we learned nothing from the tragedy of Tim Legler??!!!
And DeShawns not helping things with his talking. Doing the "Cant Feel My Face" gesture when we down 16, that was the most ill advised taunting since Darius the Third of Persia made tha "ARABIAN GOGGLES" gesture to Alexander the Great !!!
We gotta help ourselves right now because the Leagues sure as hell not gonna help us. You ever think with DC hoops like there is some one up above messing with us like they have a giant voodoo doll??
Well thats cuz iuts true, DAVid Sterns up there in his suite with a magic GAMESHARK punching in his special cheat codes, codes like: 23EATWHISSLE, INFINITESOFT, DCMADAMS, PUPLIST, LORENZOSOIL, UPPITYFINEZ, NOMASCOT....
Thats right 'NOMASCOT' cuz ever notice what the hell happened to NBA Mascots? D Stern trying to get rid of em is what. Name me 3 NBA mascots! No Gheorghe Muresan dont count! D Stern got it in for the mascotmen, cuz bottom line is money for D League now, and G Bush came up with his plan for stopping Global Warming and the whole plan is based on reducing global footprint of sportsmascots by 2012 and all other leagues have made changes, like reducing flame retardants, and now The PHilly Fanatic got silver rating for sustainability cuz they remade him out of recycled concession grease, wheat grass and animal hair and he uses his costume to store his own greywater waste which he recycles to power eco-nuetral t-shirt gun but no david stern doesnt want to pay short term cuz he just wants to line his pockets and seek revenge on Abe Pollin for the time back in camp when Abe and Yitzhak told teen counselor Rabbi Cassidy about the possum and the tube of ben gay he had stashed in his sleeping bag. Wiz in 3 M**Therf*kerz!!!!!!!!!!!!Labels: Playoffs, Playoffs 2008
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Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
You think that was a crushing defeat?
Folly!
When a man has awoken in a steamy ditch and studied his ravaged reflection in a pool of his own vomit,and thought, "Hey, not bad" -- such a man is not crushed by mismatched point totals.
Nay, every one of us is born defeated, and crushingly so; our subsequent worldly failings are but reminders our our essential nature. And thus should be received with gratitude! Please sir may I have another!
It is some sign of arrogance for one to not feel one's face? DeShawn is merely staring bravely into the numbness of the human soul. I, for one, cannot feel anything above my gullet, below my thighs, or west of my pancreas -- and the region remaining is a hot mess of weeping sores and engorged pustules.
Mighty Lebron was frightened as he fell to earth, fearing injury? We at Wizznutzz have been falling for generations -- hitting rock bottom would be sweet relief. Lebron is but a bit player on the stage of this tragedy, a transient Rosencrantz amid a cast of thousands, of Rods and Gars and Gods.
It was said last Thursday, and shall be said again: Wizards in six!Labels: August Strindberg, Playoffs, Playoffs 2008
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Tuesday, April 22, 2008
NO INCITES TODAY.
We are not speaking to the media.
Also because last night we got ejected from our offices at Circuit City for "conduct unbecoming to the Company" (we were using the giant novelty EASY buttons in an innapproproate manner)
But while we R here, id like to say that one of best things about playoff basketball is all the new visitors we get coming to our site from great places like Cleveland and the joshy banter we get to mhave with these freindly ambassadors!!!
Like Cavs Fan and wayshower 'ROB'!!!
He celebrated last nights cleveland win by sending us this really on-point email!!!!
I think youll agree we have a future wizznutzz intern here!!!
I also think youll also agree the best part is the part about Michael Jordan!!!!
Heres Rob!!!
Wow, guess after tonight your whole "wizards in five prediction" blew up in your face like that can of gasoline that Deshawn Stevenson was apparently holding next to LeBron's fireplace...Maybe thats why he can't feel his face (the MOST RIDICULOUS self egrandizing gloss I've ever seen). And I thought I would comment on your Rap Battle NBA edition. After a cursory glace, and thats all it deserved was a cursory glance (if you didn't know, that means a passing glance)....Your blog is PATHETIC. I realy feel like your only talent is to call people names, question a mans sexuality, boast at the top of your lungs regailing yourself with your own supossed cleverness. I'm sorry but your team clearly is inferior, it's absolutely Pathetic that you have to question a man's sexuality (no smokestack left behind hahaha, really fucking witty, sooooooo clever). Clearly you have no other ammunition other than to go for the cheap shot, the cheap shot by the way that has no basis in reality, and constitutes a basic DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER (HE has a wife). And try and tear down a man that you are clearly jealous of. Did you cheer for Micheal Jordan when HE played for your team????? Because I'm pretty sure HE is the greatest shoe salesmen, and advertising guru, I mean he's almost as responsible as Phil Knight is for what Nike is today. But yet, you're going to call him a copycat who knows nothing but the value of shoes=cash. Come on if you had any talent at all maybe someone would come and offer you some sort of endorsement deal (I know far fetched isn't it) and PLEASE don't fancy yourself a columnist, because you have a shitty blog that I was all too unfortunate to come across. If you care to comment on your team fine, if you want to actually analyze the two teams and ther redeming qualities and deficiencies then thats fine too. But try and refrain from acting like some pechulant little child who just got kicked in the nuts by the biggest bully in school, because you're right LeBron is a bully, the kind that is just better than you. Aparantly you just can't accept that your team is inferior, and have to resort to childish blast about the cavs, if that helps you sleep at night, then fine, but I know that I'll be sleeping even better on a nice 30 point win pillow. Labels: Playoffs, Playoffs 2008
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Friday, April 18, 2008
 WIZARDS CAVALIERS PLAYOFF PREVIEW!!!!
BATTLE OF THE BANDS EDITION!!!!
The 2007 Numbers:Series record: 2-2
Off. Rank: DC(14) CLE.(24)
Def. Rank: DC(12) CLE. (8)
2007 Population Change: DC(+7000) CLE (-13,000)The Words:He said:
"He's overrated. And you can say I said that."
She said:
"With DeShawn Stevenson it is kind of funny. It's almost like Jay-Z saying something bad about Soulja Boy."
He said:
"I'm your 100th problem
I'm like Tyson icin' I'm a Soulja at war
I'm makin' sure you don't try to battle me no more"
She said:
"Save ya back talk for the chiropractor"Round Three Begins tomorrow and Wizznutzz breakdown the complete position battles, baller vs baller, MUSIC ARTIST vs MUSIC ARTIST, to show u Cavs are less Ohio Players and more Bruce Whoresby and The Range!!!!
CLick on tha artists names for so awesome videos!
THE BENCH:
Damon Jones vs. Dominic McGuire & Nick Young
MC BRAINS vs. KID n PLAYWhy MC Brains:Both irritating, juvenile. Both have oversized egos. Both ride the coat tails of others (LeBron, DeVoe). Both sport peach fuzz. Both popular with Trapper Keeper crowd. Why Kid n Play:Joyful, lovable, irrepressible, fashion-challenged hams. . . . . . . . . . Anderson Varejao vs. Oleksiy Pecherov
SWING OUT SISTER vs. FALL OUT BOYWhy Swing Out Sister:Just please make it stop. Why Fall Out Boy:Emo titans. Big eyes, signature bangs, distressed graphic print shirts, radiation poisoning. Fallen out of rotation. "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, a Little More Touch Me" sounds like something Pechrov might say in broken English. Pecherov is extremely impressionable: could easily be talked into wearing eye-liner by teammates. . . . . . . . . .
Andray Blatche vs. Lance Alfred
HOT CHOCOLATE vs. VANILLA FUDGEWhy Hot Chocolate:Both have sex on the mind at all times. Both are popular at High School Proms. Why Vanilla Fudge:What songs did Vanilla Fudge do again? Exactly. . . . . . . . . . Wally Szczerbiak vs. Darius Songalia
ALAN THICKE vs. THE ALAN PARSONS PROJECTWhy Alan Thicke:Yes Wally has the cheesey neo-soul of Robin Thicke, but his dad Alan was a musician too (Composed themes to Diff'rent Strokes AND Hello Larry!) and Alan, like Wally, is older and even less talented. Both are foreigners but have a creepy all-American look. Both seem slightly drunk at all times. Why Alan Parsons Project:Orchestrations that are complex yet slow. Abstract. Foreign. Pasty. . . . . . . . . . Sasha Pavlovic vs. Antonio Daniels
WHEN IN ROME vs. BAD BRAINSWhy When In Rome:Represents the NBA New Wave. Sophisti-pop ballad "Promise" is the European 3-Pt specialist's theme. Still occasionally recognized in bad Serbian discos. Why Bad Brains:Aggressive. Relentless. Hardcore. A veteran of the DC scene. DIY attitude. Fan favorite. Throws body into the pit and doesn't expect to be caught. . . . . . . . . . Daniel Gibson vs. Roger Mason Junior
TEVIN CAMPBELL vs. RAY PARKER JUNIORWhy Tevin Campbell:
New Jack Swingman. Young, sweet, sexually unthreatening. Why Ray Parker Junior:
Both agreeably smooth, both unspookable. Both session guys who shot to solo fame. Both hated by Huey Lewis. THE STARTERS:
Ben Wallace vs. Antawn Jamison
TERMINATOR X vs. DJ SPINDERELLAWhy Terminator X:The X factor, an old school legend who sets the tone and speaks with his hands. Brought in to terminate shots, 'shut em down', and 'bring that beat back' but these days mostly plays like he has his head stuck in the sand. Why Spinderella:Antawn is the quiet backbone of the group, a smooth old school spinner, a cut chemist with a thousand tricks and techniques and a feminine touch. . . . . . . . . . Gilbert Arenas vs. Devin Brown
HUMPTY HUMP vs. PEABO BRYSONWhy Humpty:Gilbert is a man of a thousand disguises, a pranksta with a nose for trouble, and Margot Kidder crazy. Psycho alpha, that means the crazy one
Gold nose lazy one
Skill to kill
I never worked I never will
I'm the original high yellow rich rigger bum
Hookers getting mad cuz they can't make me come
Around their way
Addicted to the way that I play
I like to chew bubblegum
Make them laugh when I'm loving them
I blew a bubble and some Bubble-Yum
It's time to pull out my funny bone and get ready for the fun
The return of the crazy one!Why Peabo:Both are swingmen who are soft with the rock, inoffensive, and both are often playing in the room when Cav's coach Mike Brown makes love to his wife. . . . . . . . . . Zydrunas Ilgauskas vs. Brendan Haywood
RIGHT SAID FRED vs. THE SHIRELLESWhy Right Said Fred:Both are one hit wonders. Both were major label disappointments. Both wear mesh shirts. Both went bald early. Both are gay icons. Both are spokesmen for the Lithuanian charity No Smokestack Left Behind. Why The Shirelles:My Little Soldier Boy, Haywood has big lungs, small hands, a soft finish and the strength of 4 women. . . . . . . . . . Caron Butler vs. Delonte West
STEPHEN MALKMUS vs. BABYSHAMBLESWhy Malkmus:Underdog. Cold Son."I have my own man-crush on him."Why Babyshambles:Both gifted, both mutts, both physical wrecks, both cheap, both can't control their women, both can often be found urinating in public. . . . . . . . . . DeShawn Stevenson vs. LeBron James
SOULJA BOY vs. JAY-ZWhy Soulja Boy:Both cheeky, brash and infectious. Both unstoppable. Both arena favorites. Both are youtube sensations. Why Jay-Z:
LeBron is right. He is Jay-Z.
He is an ugly, scowling, overrated, overexposed bully.
He is a bloated copycat with predictable flow.
He was raised by a single mother also named Gloria who also instilled in him the important value of "SHOES=CASH".
His relationship with David Stern is a creepy, arranged marriage.
He is a touchy fleur de peau.
A paper mogul.
A hero simulation.
A megachurch, particle-board Jesus.
An Applebee's Objectivist.
A predatory malaissez-faire Klepto-Capitalist.
A monomaniacal self-crowning royal who built his kingdom on repurposed soul and the sales taxes of a 14 year-old suburban serfdom.
But LeBron: your kingdom isnt filled with nobles or knights itz filled with Admen who worship buzz analytics and its filled with Yesmen and Plus Ones swinging their sticks at the big cash pinata and when they are done beating you for coins Shisty Spitsy you will end up an empty papermache husk and all they kings men wont even try to put SHitsy back together again because they will be off to groom sheckles from the coarse hairs of the next in line like fussy ape-maidens while you end up in that place where all brands go to die.
Just something to think about my Queen!
Wiz in 5!
  Jay-Z and LeBron shown here making the universal sign language symbol for 'Vagina Brothers'. . . . . . . . . BONUS MATCHUPS!!!!!
THE COACHES:
Coach Eddie Jordan vs. Coach Mike Brown
MALCOLM MCLAREN vs. JEROME FROM THE TIMEWhy Malcolm McLaren:
Like Malcolm, Jordan is a Svengali, an avant-garde impressario, a manager of lunatics, an ideas man and a snappy dresser.
He also runs a post-modernist offense that features Buffalo Gals running 'round the outside! Why Jerome from The Time:When Brown was hired as Cleveland's coach he was asked to one thing: keep LeBron happy. And he does that by dancing in front of his narcissistic star with a giant mirror.O-WAY-O-WAY-O!. . . . . . . . . THE POSTIES:
The rivalries extend beyond the court to the Post reporters that cover them!Dan Steinberg vs. Michael Wilbon
??????? vs. ???????
YOU DECIDE!!!!!!
HOP ON THE COMMENT BOARD AND GIVE US YOUR STEINZ/WILBON MUSIC RIVAL DOPPLEGANGERS or come up with your own Wiz/Cav duels!
(NO 'MOBYS' ALLOWED!!!)
We say its:
THE ROCKMELONS vs LEVERT !!!
. . . . . . . .
"I hope we play Cleveland. I'm going to get Soulja Boy courtside seats and have him wear a DeShawn Stevenson jersey. Maybe (James) can have Jay-Z there since LeBron's all on his (shorts) anyway.I say next step is to get all these Wizards musical doubles in the crowd for the home games!WIz General Manager Rueben Kincaid can organize it! It would be an awesome sight: Malkmus handing towels and straws to Caron during timeouts and and live blogging it all on is iPhone! The SHirelles sitting behind the Cavs bench heckling them like a big black Robin Ficker with 4-part harmony! Spinderella pulling her gold braids out of a massive plate of Executive Nachos! Humpty getting busy in a Verizon center bathroom! Pete Wentz on F Street chatting to BOG TV about Weepy White Guys, his new charity for teens with emotional issues, while Littles consoles a dozen overweight goths! . . . . . . . . . 2006 Wiz/Cavs Playoff Preview!Full 2005 Wiz/Cavs Playoff COverage!Listen to Wizznutzz Classic Audiobook SHITSY SPITSYListen to Exclusive Queen James RemixesLabels: Playoffs, Playoffs 2008
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Thursday, April 17, 2008
PLAYOFF PREVIEW PART 1!
Check back before tipoff for complete position by position analisis!
But first, a certain intern that we behate to belove just nailed this soiled sheaf of robust violence to the back of a Montgomery Wards greeter!!!!!
Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!
Its August Strindberg!
and hes got a mind full of basketball incites made by genius (and full of small holes made by the absinthe)
As I famously once quipped, "If all bacon is crispy...oh damn damn damned whore of a life!" And ne'er tru'er words 'ere spoken. But you know what?
Sometimes damned whores are okay!
And sometimes life is okay too. And if this passing hope is nothing but a flickering picture-show on the vaginal walls of the succubus, well then get me some popcorn, because this film has won my heart. Yes, awards season is upon us, and these Zardonauts are the wildest romp since "Un Chien Pervis" (1923).
All this chatter of Most Valuable Players is but a fig leaf on a castrato.
Middle-aged Bryant is little more than an incipient Pharaoh Salieri, mule-driving the Jews (Farmar, Seckbach) to "glory." And Most Improved? Hedo Turkoglu dares speak of personal improvement when he still cannot fall asleep after road games without cuddling "Nicky," his plush donkey sewn from Vlade Divac's used nicotine patches?
Nay, the real winners live and bowl much closer to home, in our own dwindling Chinatown.
Coach of the Year is Dave Hopla, narrowly beating out Mike O'Koren, who moistly collected nut after nut in those bulging cheeks. But Hopla has to be the choice - the man who taught Brendan Haywood to accept his vulnerabilities and squat deeply. Phil Chenier posthumously collects a Lifetime Achivement Award from the Lifetime Network for his Golden Girls teleplays. Sixth Man goes once again, and forevermore, to Don MacLean. Andray Blatche is my pick for Best Actor in a Dramedy. Antawn Jamison: Best Smile. Stay sweet Antawn!!!
Point is, my friends, none of us are fools. We all know how this movie ends.
We have read of Icarus and the sun, we have read of Oedipus and the succulent succubus. The chorus murmurs and our cilia tremble in accord: "The Wizznutzz story is a story about overcoming odds, but mostly not overcoming odds." We can hope otherwise - but hope and five kronors buy you nothing but a five-kronor whore (and, two months later, a case of the Austrian Prickles). Nay, there is hope and then there is the screeching harpy, and the screeching harpy does not lose. The screeching harpy is like Robert Horry, carpetbagging her way to victories - unearned victories, but victories nonetheless. My overcoat grows slightly more soiled, and the wind outside this Merrifield Taco Bell grows cold.
But! At times like this I return to the scriptures. Camus tells us: "I must imagine Sisyphus happy." Schwartz speaks: "In dreams begin responsibilities." Buckhantz proclaims: 'It's not possible! It's not possible - but it happened anyway!"
Brother Albert, Brother Delmore, Brother Steve, do not fail me now!
The not-possible shall become oaken deed.
We will go to Ohio, and we will dine upon Damon Jones's pancreas, and then we will urinate upon his hollowed bloodwarm cadaver! Acrid pissy steam will rise, mixing with the Cuyahoga mist, and the billowing gray clouds will form the mouth of Agent Steinz, and the mouth will speak: "Wizards in six!" Labels: August Strindberg, Playoffs, Playoffs 2008
posted by wizznutzz
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Friday, April 11, 2008
BIG WEEKEND INCITES!!!!
INCITE #1
The PGA Tour had a big event this week.
NO not the Masters, not THAT PGA Tour THIS ONE BUT it was the Wiz Big Three, who have performed together less this year than the goddamed FUGEES, who walked away wearing the GREEN JACKET!!!!!
Also In the pocket of the green jacket they found Wally Szczerbiak's gameworn copy of Sun Tzu's The Art of War. We knew it was Wallys cuz it said "This is Wallys Book" written in pen along with his address. He had also written stuff all over the margins of the pages of the book, things like:
"So true!"
"Wow!"
"Dont GET IT????"
and
"but they didnt have WALKIE TALKIES BACK THEN"
and
"I thought I smelled fear once but was just Scalabrine eating hardboiled egg"
and
"Situational Positioning - if have to fight way off bus of elderly people, remember -- save strength for the driver!"
INCITE #2
AGENT ZERO IS BACK and everyone is getting their adult onesies in a knot about how it will be hard to "work Gilbert back into the mix"
NO IT WONT!
It will be like working Magnus ver Magnusson back into a tug of war team.
It will be like working Max Mosely back into a pair of crotchless Waffen-SS black leather uniform pants!!!!
It will be easiest thing in world, cuz Gil is back, SHAVED and DANGEROUS, he has had plenty of time to drive the interstates alone and have dark thoughts contemplating the existential coin we all hold from birth and how easy it is to change yo reality 4 ever with one little flip.
Hey we all have those thoughts, like when u r driving and think how you could just jerk the wheel into a tree, or when you r talking to a real pretty girl and u just get urge to slap her for no reason. These thoughts r common in man. Carl Jung thought so, thats why he started wearing overalls later in life. Plus Gil has progressive case of ASPERGERS SYNDROME which is what makes his behaviour so divinely innappropriate. We shouldnt not make him feel bad for these behaviours we should encourage them I say. There is a prophecy that has been spoken that all htese trials are leading to a purpose that is foretold, all leading up to game 7 of CAVs vs WIZ in playoffs, and Queen James at the line down by one and Gil walks up behind him and says "if you miss these its over" then just cold yanks LeBrons shorts right down to the floor and somewhere way up in 400 section a pale man in a beard and robes yells out in a finnish accent "HEY TINY!!!!"
INCITE #3
ANY one esle think Nick Young looks like a guy from a DON MARTIN cartoon??? With his always open mouth and long dragging arms and akimbo legs.
INCITE #4
WE were very proud to hear last week that our good friend uncle BRAM WEINSTEIN got a job at ESPN! Big time BRAM!
He will get nationwide exposure plus unlke WTEM he will get paid in money.
a WIZZNUTZZ ESPN REALITY SHOW IS JUST A MATTER OF TIME!!!! Jimmy Oliver is already oiling a foosball table in a loft somewhere on the anacostia waterfront!!!!
WIzznutzz have a long special history with Bram.
He was first to discover wizznutzz, he found us sleeping in the Bugle Boy display at Tysons and four weeks later he made a "Deal 2 Heal" with us that if we put on clothes he would put us on the radio
We have been on many times since but Ken beatrice taped over the cassettes with his field recordings of birds (sounded like crying children to me but whatever)
BUT we still have these mp3 for you of WIZZNUTZZ first ever appearance on BRAM WEINSTEIN SHOW!
This is vintage stuff. This is great lost Geocities dayz for wizznutzz!!
Keep an ear out for Tony K sidekick NIGEL STERNE's awesome racist asian impressions!!!
PART ONE!
PART TWO!
Bram has been vague in interviews about what his job will be at ESPN but he told us privately that he has been hired as a "FIXER" - a guy who makes problems "disappear", like a cross between Michael Clayton and Mr Wolf and Jeff Probst.
Doing stuff like misc. security, filling espy gift bags, deleting those pictures from John Claytons hard drive, cleaning the anti-semitic graffiti off the Ernie Grunfeld fathead in the coffee lounge, locating a discrete medical spoecialist for Chris Berman, laughing at Stu Scotts "Raisin Bram" jokes, locking Linda Cohn in a room with a bucket, towels and cold soup and getting her off heroin.
INCITE #5
Dave McKenna is chief edutainment scrivner for the Washington City PAper and also the emo Tom Knott and also one of our favorite ink swingers and thats because he drops incites like he was flipping hot wishing bisuits into the reflecting pool!!!
TAKE A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE!
Its great writing and its all about THE FAILED STATE formerly know as CHris Webber
Our favorite part is where he says the words "wimp soul maven Chico DeBarge" (dont say them out loud it might be a spell!!!!)
Well u know our feelings on Chico and The Man. They are such turgid emotions.
ANd Dave also reminds us that the now infamous night down by the TGI Fridays parking lot with Chico and Rod wasnt some Paul SImon song you imagined in the brain, but a generation changing event most true with its bottle play and humid threats and forced cuddles and BOOM it happened on September 11 2001 no less!!!! which is why August Strindberg always wears that "We Will Never Forget" pin when hes on "Rome Is Burning"
INCITE #6
MR IRRELEVANT digs out the awesome 2003 WIZARDS MEDIA GUIDE aka SMALL HOPES, BIG FONT!!!
And the breathless WAYWARD O digs out the even more awesome 2008 NEW YORK YANKEE MEDIA GUIDE!!
Washington Hoops has long tradition of making these polished bibles of edutainment.
Lets take a look!
1982-1983
A Hanna-Barbera Production!
1984-1985
Love Love American Style!
1985-6
Neo-Realist, post-symbolist Poignancy!
1990-1
Isnt this a James Edward Olmos movie??
1992-3
"You Gotta Love This Game".
(The Legal department made them put it in quotes!)
1996-7
This was weird media guide. It has no media info in it at all, its actually just Jim Lynams dream journal!!!
(The one with the naked Ann Sheridan and the screaming barn animals happens ALOT)
INCITE #7
RaptureWatch!
Its The MARK PRICE SHOOTING LAB!
INCITE #8
BY now you have read all about DESHAWN STEVENSONs 80s THEMED BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!
It was awesome, they had Biz Markie DJing and Rubiks toys and costumes and everything!
These were our favorite costumes:
-Also good was Roxanne Roberts as THE REAL ROXANNE and Coach Eddie Jordan as Sinbad complete with vintage mustard yellow ZUBAZ!
-Assistant Coaches Mike O'Koren and Dave Hoopla as Alphaville!!
-Best Costume: Phil Chenier and Steve Buckhantz as "Webster" and "M'aam" !!!
We had a great time!!!
But not as great as Olesky Pecherov who spent half the night with his hands down Erin Grays pantsuit!!
INCITE #9
Biz Markie has been everywhere in DC these days.
From those Eastern Motors ads, to celeb turns at Carons and DeSahwns birthday bashes, and then courtside on ESPN TV this week!!! Why so much Biz u ask? Its because he was made Minority Owner of the Wizards by Abe Pollin last month!!!!! Biz was suprised as anyone, especially since he is broke.
But Abe was determined:
"I still respect you Biz" said Abe
then he said "Let me ask you what do you think of Jimmy Carter?"
"You mean the old president Jimmy Carter"
"I mean the old Jew-hater Jimmy Carter"
"Can't say I think anything of him sir"
"Youre hired son. Wesly will show you to your room"
INCITE #10
Joel Kimmel has incites of his own, only he paints them!!!!
Hes a great painter too. He smoked chuck close in the 40 at the art combine!!!
His latest masterpiece is a portrait of CARON BUTLER which he made from his art and from paints of nacho gold
Joel does portraits of tons of ballers.
Our other fave is of ANDREW BOGUT aka 'THE FATAL SHORE'
Wiggas gone Walkabout!!!!!!
INCITE #11
WILL U BE MY FRIEND???
INCITE #12
SUperFan KenKWan sends in the latest in..
BREAKFAST INTIMATES!
INCITE #13
Agent Steinz reports that in Village Voice INDIE ROCK LEGEND STEPHEN MALKMUS sez he has a huge man crush on CARON BUTLER!!!
VV: So, whom are you secretly hoping might be in the audience on the East Coast this time?
SM: Obviously Caron Butler from the Washington Wizards. Both women in the band have a crush on him, and I have my own man-crush on him.
Stephen Malkymus if u r reading this we think u r real good and u could be the next Nils Lofgren! Lets remake Bullets Forever together call us!!
Malkmus loves the underdog, so he has announced ambitious musical plan to release a concept album for every player on the wizards roster before the end of the season!!!
The Caron Butler record is already done! Its called THE ROCKET FROM RACINE and it has the jangly jam "TUFF JUICEBOX" that sure to be bumping up and down The Pike all summer.!!!
PITCHFORK calls it "a lightly swung pop song streaming with sinewy lines" while Tom KNOTT calls it "Jewish"!!!
MALKMUS aint the only INDY rocker in love with DC sports:
LES SAVY FAV rocker SYD BUTLER is blogging the CAPS!
and James BLOUNT named his Beagle SHAR POURDANESH!
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Friday, March 28, 2008
WEEKEND BIG BITES:
We induct 2 new dopplebangers into the WIZZNUTZZ SEPERATED AT BIRTH!!!
The long overdue BIG OILY and LIL STEWIE!
Thanks Stacy King!
and then insiped by this beauty...
LEDELL EACKLES and SASQUATCH!!
Old NoNeckles walking away all suspicious like he just set off a car alarm!!
- - - - - - - - - - -
C-WEBB RETIRES!
MIKE WILBON GIVES BIRTH TO A WORKING CLASS SON!
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE CONTINUES!
While we r happy there will be another chair at next years black thanksgiving we grieve the loss of CWEBB aka MACE aka GARDENBURGER
IT makes us think about the great Bullets McSalad days of 1998
THIS STORY takes us back!!!
It has it all:
The throat slitting, the My Giant line readings, the "delicate system" of Rod STrickland, the black eye, the DUIs, the controlled substance, the Terry Davis.
Holy Marlene Cooke those were fine times!
When we got CWebb in a trade for eight #1s and Jim Lynams wife, we thought the franchise was going to rise up and he would take us to the promised land. We never had a player like Chris Webber.
So versatile. So charming. SO DAMN SUPPLE!!!!
But it all went so wrong and CWEBB left our city feeling like it had just been raped by a wombat and our hearts grew stoney and we sang along with Fidel Castro and the Beards "We DOnt Need Chris Webber We Got Plenty of Players!" and we almost believed it.
We followed CWebb around the league after he left and he was mostly succesul and popular but never really reached what he should have reached, and even though he was surrounded by Tyra and Nas he somertimes seemed lonelier that a Quiddich fantasy league.
Now CWebb will retire with no rings and will surround himself with the company of his personal collection of African Amercian artifacts, including:
-Eldridge Cleaver autographed 4LP audiobook of Soul On Fire, (narrated by Frank Herzog)
-Rare Phillis Wheatley bobble head doll
-Pair of gameworn tights from the Harlem Renaissance
C WEBB make us an offer for OUR PERSONAL COLLECTION!!!!
Our dream is for you to take the Pervis Ellison Busniess Card on an edutainment tour of americas schools!!!
Show your love for Chris Webber and install the MOOMINWEBBER WALLPAPER today!!!
- - - - - - - - - - -
PONY UP COLD MOUNTAIN u cheap traiter!!!
- - - - - - - - - - -
rare ROD STRICKLAND JERSEY MAKES WAVES!Labels: Chris Webber, Wilbon
posted by wizznutzz
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