THE WIZZNUTZZ

Thursday, November 04, 2004

YO ballerzz and chocolate ckickens:

HEAD OVER HERE

for "WIZZNUTZZ 2005: The Chronciles of Laron"!!!"

NEW BLOG NEW BLOG

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:44 PM
1 comments

Friday, July 16, 2004

Enjoying new font sizes!!!
And enjhoying new stylizationsss!!
and especially enjoyingg new colors !!!!!!!!
incites on Mark AnTwain Jameison as soon as this overproof caribbean rum wears off!!!! lots of talents here in west indies!!! bernie bickerstaff seen "scouting" for Bobcats with "burning fingers" that reach lips and exhale!!! bernie says, "nah gon go hom pon de boat so signal da plane pon da bank, you noh mean man?" whatever butterstuff!!!

hi travis "t morr"!!! name album JAZZISTAN!!! hi chris deep cut qnotu!!! name album G-WIZ!!!

comments now enabled!! leaved thoughts and incites and couragements and burning fingers!!!

posted by Ken | | 9:36 AM
3 comments

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Big Ben Gets Sheed's Stinky Ass Game worns!!! Meanwhile, Abe Pollin rolls around naked in pile of laundry change!!!

From Det News

On the cheap

Before the game, Ben Wallace was reminiscing about his days playing for the Washington Wizards.

"When I was coming in, Rasheed (Wallace) was going out," Wallace said. "I remember, I didn't ask them for a jersey number or anything. They just handed a bag of practice clothes."

He was given No. 30, and figured, what the heck, the name on the back was spelled right, so no problem.

"When I put it on, I noticed it smelled funny," he said. "It smelled like moth balls or something. Then I figured it out."

What the Wizards had done was give Rasheed Wallace's stuff to Ben. Rasheed had worn No. 30 previously. They figured it would save them from having to stitch another name on a new jersey.

"Can you believe that?" Wallace said, laughing.
______________________________________________________

In other breaking news, Abe Pollin gives more food to poor. The MCI CEnter donated chicken tender baskets that also smell like mothballs and Wallaces!!!

posted by Ken | | 9:33 AM
0 comments

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Former Bullets star---and Dana Von Postgame Call-In Show Girl's favorite solution---Michael The General Adams is leading Mystikal Warriors of D.C.!!! Described as an "overachiever" by Mystics brass. So true! General Michael Adams Was only expected to coach middle school women's basketball, but now has overachieved into dealing in professionalisms!! Enjoy your Mystikal year, Michael, and overachieve the Tiks into a 10-24 record (+1 from 2003)!!!

posted by Ken | | 11:58 AM
0 comments

Thursday, May 20, 2004

We are still alive, are yOu? Is it in you? Gatorade, is it in you? Is it in YOU? Is IT in you? IS IT in YOU???

BUt we throw our love and moist towels to the Pistons who have more ex-Wizz than the CBA!!! Go Big Ben! Go Hamilton Facemask!! Go Sheed Fascistis!!! Way to creush the Jersey Kenyons!!! No onto Pacemakers, and then Lakers----and then it's pullin' weed all summer!!! Partake thy championship chalice on Jefferson Ave.!!!

posted by Ken | | 10:11 PM
0 comments

Friday, April 16, 2004

Oh where have these days gone like so many losses, like so many souls.

Wizznutzz try to bring veteran understanding to the game and SHUT IT DOWN EARLY like seasoned pros, but the interns have innocent energy and , except for Ken, the interns are our future!

I have seen the future, and I cant sleep. The future was on TV.
Last Nigth on THE APPRENTICE, highest rated TV show in THE WORLD excluding the THird INDIA v PAKISTAN Cricket Test match,.
I am watching the apprentice and who should step on camera, but OC, the ORIGINAL CHEESEMAN,
thats right!

IKE "total package edutainer" AUSTIN!!!

See here:

and
Ikes Foundation, which has the same ambassador-class copy writing that weve come to expect from the Austin web presence!:

It has been stated that Mr. Austin's achievements are unimaginable to some and he is described as the perfect definition of struggle and success against all odds.

There are certainly nights when Ike wore Wizards unifrom and his achievements were unimaginable! HOLLA!!!

As the worlkd watched, India had build a 200 run lead At stumps with 4 wickets in hand, and Ambassador Ike Austin was at 126 not out!!!!
Ike announced his first test century as a "century for peace"!!
All fearsome thoughts of Kashmir forgotten briefly under the long shadows of sportsmanship!!!

Wizznutzz support Ike Austin and his sugary needles!!!!

Steve Wyche loves Ike Austin:(1999) Steve Wyche: On paper, Washington is significantly improved over last season's team. They got a legit center in Ike Austin and landed three nasty and athletic power forwards in Williams, Smith and camp-invitee Gerard King -- a sleeper.

BUY YOUR IKE AUSTIN CHEESEBOOT BEFORE YOUR EASTHAMPTON SUMMER ROOMATES DO!!!

ANyway, we will have incites in then next few days about the ways ahead, but to make up for our absence:

WORLDS GREATEST MP3: An Exlusive Look into the impotent treacheries of MIND OF SALIERI!!!

(right click to dowload. Play 30 times if at all!)

posted by WizzNutzz | | 7:02 PM

Thursday, April 01, 2004

As season winds down yoou may notice lack of dearth of incites and such. There is a lot of depression in our offices, though none of it has to do with Washington Wixardzzz. There s just so much going wrong here, fgrom the breakdown of the Mothering Hut to us losing Kamall somewhere in the Wheaton metro station. The Hut and Kamall provisded me stabilization of mind, somethin that you all know i need if you've been following my post-radio career travails [self-flagalation aS self-regulation; ungarments pants cilices for all; Opus Dei mon amis]. And there's rumors that Dana has returned from Xiapis Mexico region and is hanging around Bowie restaurant dumpsters looking for Rod Strickland.

In honor of lost Kamall -- we burn the Wheaton chalice in your honor and hope you find bus pass to Chevy Chase offices soon -- and because we know Wizzardz season soon end, we like to throw our support behind our kindred spellers: THE REGGAE BOYZ. Scare dem crew! Kick dem tings!

posted by Ken | | 8:22 AM

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

I apologize to the organization for my absence.
I have been on a trip of a "personal" nature.
2 weeks ago I packed 4 pair of briefs, 8 quarts Pruno, nothing else.
Now I return to you with nothing beyond the spicy and unforgiving odor of fermenting oranges.

And then last night I thought maybe my trip had been in vain---that the voices were still there --- but it turned out they were there!

it was the Phoenix Suns broadcasters on my NBA KwamePass saying about Kwame after an aggressive rebound:

"He's like a dirtworker inside"

!!!

or maybe he said dock-worker. does someone have some gum?

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:32 PM

Thursday, March 25, 2004

EXCLUSIVE BREAKING NEWZ!!! WIzzz and Guttenfans (tm) UNITE!!!!

STEVE GUTTENBERG IS IN FACT A WIZZARDS FAN!!!
AND HE'S A CHASER!!!!!!!!

posted by Ken | | 12:23 AM

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

What does 29:0 and 29:2 mean to you? You're close if you say it's Gheorge Muresan's aspect ratio, but you would be wring!!!! Those are Our Savior Kw. Brown's stat line for yesterday's loss to all those white guys in Utah!! Kwames had 0 points and 2 johnny rebs in 29 minutes!! THE ROOKIE WALL SPRINGS ETERNAL!!!

STEVE GUTTENBERG IS A WIZARDS OR MYSTICS FAN!!!

posted by Ken | | 7:26 AM

Monday, March 22, 2004

Pinch me pliantly!!! Special edition Wide screen GUTTENBERG!!!

I think Wizz lost yesterday or soemthning. But the bigger news this side of color corrected Guttenberg in 16:9 is GHERPORGE MURSESAN WAS BACK IN TOWN!!! His aspect ratio is still WAY off, but it's still good to have him on D.C. soiled, teahcing and training and loving with former Buleltz and now Mysterics coach, the lilthe Michael Adams. Now we just need to get the Price Brothers and Rex Chapman and Duckworth back in town and we'll relive glory days of mid-'90s!!!!

posted by Ken | | 7:30 PM

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Wizz beat up on Kings! Mysteriously a one "Mr. Mace Webber" receives $100,000 check from "A. Pollin Wiz Relief Fund"!!!

Our Savior the Passsion of the Kwame goes for career highs!! KAMALL IN THE HIZZO!

Kwames gives about 63% effort and gets 30 points, 19 johnny rebs and discovers more enticing aspects of his ever evolving and pliant body by finding out all about the pleasures of the TAINT:
"I had goose bumps when they cut it to two under two minutes, but we were able to pull it out."

That's not goosebumps, Kwames! Those are allways going to be there!!! ENJOY!!!

posted by Ken | | 12:07 PM

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Due to mounting loses at F Street locale, Abe Pollins cuts rations! Serves Anzac stew to troops---a bucket of hot water with one rind of bacon fat!!!---learned recipe from Johnny Turks and Hidi!!! But Wiz reacted negatively, convulse with foaming mad smiles, shouting "Eggs-A-CooK!!!" before each shot and enacting erractic behavior, as seen here with CLaet grimacing and swinging his sharpened elbows at Jason Terry's bangers & mash!!!

Bacon ration soup causes Wizz to lose 5th in a row---but they did score season high!! But Hotlanta scored seasons higheer!!! That's one bonzer of a loss, mates!

As this season heads into the trenches in alf a mo like an Australian youth in 1915s Turkey, we've decided to look ahead to futre of Wizards---POSTIVELY of course, just as with our liberal use of sports and war metaphors which we learned are OK to say based on the highly inciteful use of them by the very reverand and higher educated ESPN football annoucers !!!

SCOUTNING THE FUTURE WIZZARESD!!!!

Charlie Villanueva
UConn Huskies, Freshman, Forward
6-11, 230, Brooklyn, NY

What we like about him:
Chuckie V has highly definite Ike Austin and Popeye Jones qualities about him. We're not sure about his game, but look at that mug: No eyebrows, clean dome, heavy lids, winning smile. That's a future Wizard.

Here's some scoutning excerpts on Charles:

Stregnths: A strong all around talent. Charlie excels at passing the ball, scoring from the perimeter and handling the ball on the break. His inside/outside game makes him a virtual lock for a double-double every night.

Weaknesses: A bit laid back at times [DRAFT...HIM...NOW], which leads to scoring in bunches and then going cold. Needs to develop a killer instinct.

The former McDonald's Eating All-American wanted to go from New Jersey's Blair Academy to 2003 NBA draft but decided he'd only be drafted in late fist round and not make enough benjamins and besides he'd go to a good team in late first---and he's obviously destined for the Wizzards in 2004!!! WELCOME CHUCK!!

posted by Ken | | 9:13 AM

Thursday, March 11, 2004

WOW. WIZ/MAGIC GAME WAS ON NBA TV IN HIGH DEFINITION!

I COULD actually see Mitchell Butler getting older!

T-MAC lights it up over and over and over.!!

Sure the Magic have Tracy McGrady, but the Wizards have... CINDY McTRUSTY" !!!!,
aka Mitchell Butler!!!

And the Wiz hang in blow for blow for a while with Gilbert and Etan, aka PRIDE and PREDJUDICE hopping back over the trench like young ANZAC soldiers in Gallipoli

"how fast can ya run?"
"as fast as a chicken"
"how fast are ya gonna run?"
"AS FAST AS A CHICKEN!!"

Only to be mown down again by the turkish guns!!!

Injuries or no injuries, If I was Abe Pollin I would trust Mitchell Butler to perform my weekly colonoscopy before I would trust him to run the offense.

If I was ABe Pollin, I would get Alcor to freeze me like Ted Williams and his Son, to be thawed when the Wiz make the playoffs.
Phil Chenier could keep the forzen Abe in his lving room, by the credenza. When he can't sleep, Phil will stand in front of the glowing blue cryo-jar that holds the old frozen jewish man, and eat ginger snaps innthe dark in his too-small terry cloth robe, and drink hot cocoa. He wouldnt have any profound thoughts when he does this; he would just enjoy his snaps and clear his head. In the morning his wife would feel the cookie crumbs under her bare feet and be reminded perhaps of her own mortality and feel a sudden urge to feel a mans touch and the warm sting of brandy in her throat.

At halftime, Fred Carter called the Cleveland Cavaliers "The Seabiscuit of the NBA"!!!!!
Which I guess makes LeBron James the one-eyed, unhyped, left for dead, drunk and gammy-legged jockey of the NBA??
Sharp sports-on-sports metaphor Fred!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:13 PM

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

ROD STRICKLAND HANDING OUT DIMES LIKE JOHNNY APPLEDIMES, OR SOMETHING TRUER THAN THAT!!!!!!

Rod Strickland added 14 points to go along with seven rebounds and a season-high 16 assists for the Raptors

Dave Johnson found talking to himself by the felt padded Television pillars at Wheaton Plaza

Orlando may have dumped Rod to go in the tank for the draft, but Rod left Orlando a litlle Sumthin Sumthin!

I love how it was immediately ASSUMED to be spider bites!!!!! Its DOesnt Take CSI MIAMI to put thes epieces together!

Rod looked 10 years younger last night, perhaps because our brothers to north have no halfsmokes due to bitter trade pact?

Once Rod gets his own personal, FUNKMASTER Flex vending cart registered in Toronto we will see the old rod back, the old old one, not the young old one.

The cart has all the FLEX signatures: The Glacier Bay mixing faucet has an arched swan neck, and the sneeze guard as stainless steel all the way!

WITNESS Mister STricklands magically Tricked out platinum CART:

--Watch the VIDEO
--See the SPECS

And wizznutzz interns uncover nitrate trail of Rods that leads all the back top Dodge.
The Last poster on this foum definitely seems to know his stuff....!!!

We miss you too Rod! Its alright to cry, crying gets the sad out of you!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:32 PM

Just got a JAHIDI CODE RED on the Wizznutzz Blackberry from Wizznutzz Insider JOSH LEVIN!!!!

TOBACCO ROAD TO BE RENAMED BACON ROAD!!!

BERNIE BUTTERSTAFF TO TAKE JAHIDI WHITE #1 in EXPANSION DRAFT!!??!!

IF your not an ESPN Insider heres the highlights:

How do the Suns convince the Bobcats to swallow this contract? They offer $3 million in cash (the most a team can pay) and their first-round pick (currently the third pick in the draft). The Bobcats would jump at the chance to have another high lottery pick. Why does Phoenix do it? Getting White off the books gives them roughly $16 million in cap space to make a run at Kobe Bryant this summer. They know they're a little short right now.

"ESPN INSIDER" false advertising, for your money they should tell you itsbreally "ESPN ASSCRAZY!"

Rebuilding teams giving up #3 picks in the draft?

IT gets Crazier now.

COLD MOUNTAIN!!!!??
Cold Mountain, DOnt go back to Butterstaffs Farm!

This will be the other deal to look at. The Wizards also are interested in clearing cap space, and Hughes may tempt the Bobcats. He's a good, young talent with only one year left on his contract. Hughes can play multiple positions and gives the team someone who can score and pass the ball. If the Wizards threw in cash, would the Bobcats bite?

LBoogies the best deal on our books!! You want to clear our cap space, take Lorenzo WIlliams!!!!

Or Sister Christian????

Washington might be willing to throw in its lottery pick (currently No. 6) if the
Bobcats took Christian Laettner (1 year, $6.2 million) instead. The Wizards, in return,
clear enough room to throw $10 million or so at a free agent this summer.

We give up a lottery pick and sister christian to throw 10 million dollars at a second rate free agent Rodney White??? Thats how Sally got us in this mess in the first place!

ESPN InSIDER neeks to check its head at the Bacon Road Helath Center

ITS an "INFORMAL SURGERY"!!!!

Internists dont wear ties, and have to pass this comprehensive medical test.

Wherever Jahidi goes we wish him love and chasers at his heels for he is our heart and a little bit of all of us is in jahidi, especially the part that manrapes our young!!

Visit WIZZNUTZZ HIDI SHRINE!!!
Intern Jarrkko's Flash Tribute ahead of its time!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 5:03 PM

YOU CALL THOSE TEARS, CROCODILE DUNDEE GILBERT?
CHECK THIS: WAsh D.C. GOT NIAGRA FALLS IN THE HIZZO!! MOISTURE EVERYWHERE
Wizards Plummet to New Low!!!

Gillby Arenas, who over the past few days said the final quarter of the season would show which players would demonstrate their commitment to the game, teared up when asked about how the team responded to two tough losses with a 30-point defeat.

"Season worst?" Arenas (team-high 23 points, seven assists) asked, before pausing. "Man, it's pride now, these last 20 games. It's the NBA. You've got to have pride if you want to be in this game. You've got to want to be in here. You can't take it off."

While many fans will be "taking off" their tix for the rest of the year and for next season, rest assured Ponchus Arenas, we love you just as we love Our Savior Kw. Brown. Universally love, no matter your quaduaruple digit loses and your sub-Hot Plate Williams-era Bulletz season. Let's now create a eucharist, to proclaim our faith in Wizardy and especially Kwamey and choco choco chickens:

I received from the Lord Kwame what I also handed on to you, a bounce pass off Brendan Haywoods knee, that the Very Rev. Kwames on the night when he was betrayed by Judas Iscariot Jordan took an olive loaf from Hidi's locker, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my pliant nubile body that is for you. Do this in remembrance of me as the number one pick, just as barefooted Sissy Brown and Auntie and her homemade shirt of glitter and fake blingbling did. This cup from Abe Drummond Pollands person collection of "25th Anniversary Bulletz Plastic Glasses" is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me, the JJ Kwames of Wizzstein. For as often as you eat this Hidi bread and drink the athelete's cup, you proclaim the Wizards death until it comes.

Then me Kwames took a loaf of Hidi bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to Jared Jefferies, saying, "This is my body, JJ, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me, and try to bulk up a bit, string bean.

SO TRU!!!

posted by Ken | | 12:06 AM

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

More Squeaky Clean Jarvis Hayes Diary Updates!

The Jam Jar has a Proustian moment at the AllStar Weekend!

Coach Jordan Chroming regularly off DoubleWide sharpie he uses to apply his bangs with, takes first genuine shot at his players!

Retro-Snipes our Bigs for being softcocks!!

"It was like watching grass grow," Jordan said of the trials and tribulations of Kwame Brown, Jared Jeffries, and Brendan Haywood. "Are they ever going to improve? Are they ever going to get it? Are they ever going to be physical? Are they ever going to grow? But then you step away and see [that they have]. This league is all about talent, toughness, and veteran's experience, not young, developing, soft teams."

Tom Knott continues to call out Wizards players for being gutless.

First he took on Larry "COldMountain" Hughes which was shameful.
Now he accusses StrawHouse of being a larcenous Felonius Bunk!

STACK had a very Tom Knott moment himself last week:

"It was worth it," Stackhouse said. "I was able to come back and show the professionalism of what the job is about. Now it's time to be smart, be professional about the situation."

Jerry Stackhouse is Like Matt Flinders (The Velvet Frog???) of the NBA, The Professionals Professional!!~

Meanwhile disgraced self-hating dinkan Manute Bol is stumping in a Middleton Straw Pol to help aid Tiny Tims and Tiny Tinas of the Sudan.

"I think the work he's doing in wonderful," said Norman Bishop, president and founder of Positive Solutions, which runs PBR Ltd. The Gallery and gift shop. "It's needed to bring awareness to the people of Sudan."

Bishop added, :"He's also wonderfully funny looking, which is why we are expect an excellent afternoon!"

Meanwhile, The Indianapolis Ice, Manutes former Hockey Team, is signing up Tonya Harding!!!

See Manute hate himself here!

Read Jim Lynams touching customer review of "Manute Bol: The Center of Two Worlds" here!

BOMB SQUAD member back on the court!
The United States Basketball League, Inc. (USBL) announced today the signing of former NBA star and Enid resident Brent Price by the Oklahoma Storm. Price will hold the responsibilities of player, assistant coach, and vice-president of community outreach.

The beast part is they play at the 2000 capacity "Mark Price Arena"!!!!!
Mark's Fascia hang from the rafters!!!!

HERE IS THE FIRST AND LAST BRENT PRICE FEATURE YOU MAY EVER READ< AND ITS A DOOZIE!!!

Big Hearts...weak bodies...Gods plan...Dark afternonns at the Applebees:

---The family is in the Enid fabric. The Prices and former astronaut Owen K. Garriott, who flew aboard Skylab 3 in 1973 and on Spacelab-1 in 1983 and has a major boulevard named in tribute. The building at Enid High School that used to be Convention Hall is now Mark Price Arena, its showcases in the lobby filled with mementos and newspaper clippings of the family. The Denny Price Family YMCA is close.

---The Applebee's restaurant is like the family photo album. Baby pictures under glass. Plaques on the wall. Articles. Photos of the Price Family Singers, as they were known. Garriott does not go ignored, but it's five against one.

Candy, the waitress, notices someone pointing to a picture of the oldest brother and relating a story.

"Do you know Mark Price?" she says.

"I'm Brent."

Ouch.

Just in case the pain in his lower back wasn't enough.

---Maybe he will pursue a career in Christian music, a love ever since he teamed with his brothers and parents for the Price Family Singers as a youngster: barbershop, patriotic tunes and Christian gospel a specialty.

---Getting to the day when he can bend over and tie his shoes without a how-to manual would be nice.

And finally:

BIG BEN ON HALLOWEEN:

We never really did the Halloween thing. We ain't into the Halloween dress-up. That never came up. We went out, but we couldn't afford to dress up. We went as ourselves. That was good enough. We still got candy and stuff.

posted by WizzNutzz | | 5:46 PM

Monday, March 08, 2004

Awesome photo!

Nothing goes with Bling Bling like Barefeet and homemade TShirts!

Wiz lose crucial games!
Jerry Strawhouse folding it up more than browsing Manute Bol at a Prius dealership!
Maybe Strawman is hoping to oversell his injuries so he will be left unprotected like an unsigned rental agreement in this summers expansion draft and go back home to the Carolinas for a song or stack of drying tobacco.

Incites and anger. U BET!! B.E.T.!!!

Braintrust identitfies draft priority:

"Danny Grunfeld...sophomore guard on Stanford, made a four-point play in the last 30 seconds vs. Washington, helping keep Stanford unbeatan.

He's a 6'6 sophomore who doesn't play all that much, but Daddy must be proud. "

Oh Danny boy, If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me, I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me!!!

RAD CHOCOLATE CHICKEN WALLPAPER!!!

Former BULLET and 100% AUSTRALIAN ADNREW GAZE has still got game, and its crazy as a Coolabah!@!!

Take the Wizznutzz andrew gaze quiz!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:44 PM

WE LOVE KENO TOO!!!
Wizards love to play some lottery! Our Savior Kwame, worried about how the Passion is perceived, has hit the rookie wall for the third year in a row. Ponchus Arenas is proving to be an excellent foil to The Very Rev. Kw.Brown, even if Gil makes 10 turnovers for every 30 points. Run the numbers! I've been running numbers at my local bodega for years!!!

Because there are so few bright spots in Wizz life right now---for all of you that is; we always look on positive side (have you seen Mitchell Butler's time-out clap on the bench? very encouraging)---we decided to find a photo of better times, when hope was more than just a four-letter word, when Kwame was still a pliant teenager whose scowl felt like a kiss, when barefoot ladies from the Brown family laid on the floor to celebrate the selection of Our Savior:

Kwame Brown's aunt, Altamese Allen, (left) and cousin Sissy Bell party after his selection by the Washington Wizards in the NBA draft

posted by Ken | | 7:59 AM

Thursday, March 04, 2004

THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN A DUNKED UPON PRINCE CRIES!!!!
(Whimpers like G-Wiz after 8 days at the beachhouse!!!)

Have you ever thought what it would be like to challenge Prince to a basketball game?
Jerry Stackhouse whispered that exact sentiment to me yeseterday in the sauna. Jer Jer Stackz thought his female knees could back down The Artist, giving him a purple facial and get an easy two in the paint. (He then mentioned Earl Boykins in the same soft, salacious breath.)

Speaking of haberdashery, Sometimes I dream of slipping on a set of Jahidi used undergarments and post-game Hot Plate Williams gym sox and Kevin Duckworth's marsupial pouch and Gheorge Muersan's sense of sartorial splendor, and just stepping up my game to 40% and giving a partial some of my all, and just dribble it down my legs, and then do a loopdeloop HAM SLAM right over Prince Rodgers' Controversy-era folicle stackup!!! Even Stack could get up over that lil' guy!

Well, purple dreams no more, beautiful ones!! You can see Eddie Murphy's brother Charlie---yes, THAT Charlie----challenge the Purpleyel One to a game of hoops right here!

posted by Ken | | 10:20 PM

AWESOME PLAYOFF PUSH
CHcolate Chicken Run!!!!

New York Knicks are freefalling cause Isiah Thomas hates the white man and shipped out one too many of them.

Isiah Thomas is the Blackman's Cecil Rhodes and when he secedes from the country Im gonna get me a duplex in the niehgborhood of TriBeTho, aka "Triangle Beneath Thomases Thighs" in relator wayzz-- cuz thats where Isiah is gonna build his own copper and ebony Rhodes Colussus, to greet mariners and traders like a masterful and epic customer greeter at a no-whites-allowed Eddie Bauer during the christmas rush!!!

Speaking of the white devil, did anyone see the Comcast promo last night???
The one for the show that looks into how proud and pliant Don McNabb is, with clips of Rush Lim. , and with Don McNabb talking bout how hes been motivated by racists all his life, then, final ad voice over:
"See the Darker Side of Donovan McNbab"!!!!
Ill accept your apology COMCAST if when you buy DIsney you make black muppets.

Phil Chenier was stoned last night, Im pretty sure aboutn this. At halftime, Buckhantz said somehting about how so and so looks different "withthe naked eye." Then Phil started giggling like a school boy and repeated "Naked Eyes..!!"
Buckhantz got worried like maybe Chenier was gonna go off the track, like Chuck D gets with Flavor Flav when Flav stops lip synching and start waving his arms and heading toward the end of the concert stage and MistaChuck gives the S1Ws a nod to be on alert, if they are not too busy protecting the First World, then maybe they could make sure Flav checks himself, respects himself, and when we enetered the concert and got patted down it was for CAMERAS not Gunzzz cuz we were in Melbourne, Australia, not Melbourne Florida!

It was so tite to see Sister Christian back on the floor with Jared, Jarvis, Etan and lil Stevie Blake.

It was like a Raffi Concert!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:55 PM

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

WIZARDS SIGN LONNIE BAXTER!!!!!!!

Someone tell Abe Pollin that the NBA Board of Governors put us in the SOUTHEAST Division next year, not the BIG EAST!!!!

WASSSUPPP!!!!

You can never have too many prototypical 6'5" bigmen!!!
Gosh how do we sniff out such hidden talents? Wizards brain trust leaves no stone unturned, they gather secrets from Giant checkoutlines, urinals at Greveys, WJLA TV!!!

We have the best scouts inside the beltway!

SO WEVE UPDATED SEPARATED AT BIRTH!!

CLick on RADIO RAHEEM to see the newest Dopplegangers!!!

And we may not be done.

Our top secret source "Tom Scocca Throat" reports:
"Front office currently engineering massive four-sided trade involving Guangdong Hongyuan, Maccabi Tel Aviv, and Aras ITU Istanbul to bring Laron Profit, Sarunas Jasikevicius, and Tahj Holden to Wiz . . .
Brendan Haywood's agent seeks assurances of playing time in Turkish Basketball
League before deal can go through..."

Don't be worried Brendan! Small hands are admired ,but not discussed in Turkey. Same with small boys!!!

Speaking of Foreign SCouting, check out these proven talents:

Randell jackson
He was playing in Israel but after 9/11 suspected Al Qaeda would be stepping up there campaign to fly planes into basketball players and now hes back home, in his basement, with his tekken and tinned beans.TRUE!
CALL ME!!

God Shammgod
Tap into the PASSION frenzy! Hurry up, before Jesus lands in the back of the toy box with yestedays furby! And Jesus wasnt even a Chinese All Star!!

and Finally...

IKE AUSTIN!!!!
Hes travelled a long, unceratyin road since he left us. And hes travelled the road in a CHEESEBOOT! I bet that cheese could tell some stories!
Look at his awesome official photo... either he's blowing out birthday candles or hes tired of these foreign stuff with the wider key!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:11 PM

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Checkady-choco, the chocolate chicken!!!!

Gilbert ARenas is the chocolate chicken, the real cock diesel!

Says Gilbert: "I HAVE THE CONCH Kwame!!!"

Gilberts stuffing his magic bag with touches!
Thats was a great game, with Chick Hernandez calling the team "resilient" even though we came back after blowing a 20 pt lead and even though you can only see the tippity top of Chick's head when he interviews 6'3" gilbert, like a shiny new Cremaster project!

Steve Blakes numbers belie his great development at the point, just like his mom belies under his bed on a mechanics dolly sos Steve can make his babies when he cant sleep!!
For real Stevie Blake is learning how to make space for himself, with crossovers, and off the dribble spins.

Not like Juan Dixon who Tom Knott artfully describes as dribbling the ball in place like hes "beating a rug"!!!!
See the power of a single metaphor uncle tom!?
SOmetimes less is more, but not in the case of Juan Dixon!!!

Raise your hands who dropped their pom noisettes when steve blake made that double 360 bounce pass??!!
And when he bent his ankle 200 degrees and stayed in the game??
CHenier commented on how young supple bodies behave (its not the first time) but the real reason stevies ankle didnt snap like a country twig is cause of his vitamin C deficiency he has lots of loose space in his joints and bendy bones. True Medical terms!!!! Steve Stricker checked it himself.

Why Jared Jeffries, WHY?? thats what I yell at my TV.
And I know the Hornets were playing 11 guards in the 3rd, but why did we leave Etan and Jared in for so long? We needed a big man who can score and Kwame Kwame Kwame, clutch 4th quarter blueblocker then muscle in for layup.

Meawhile, BRING ME THE HEAD OF STEVE STRCIKER NOW!!!!
Wizznutzz #1 scapegoat, Steve stricker, NO ONE RESPECTS you.
Your not even a real doctor is one reason why.
Gilbert decides hes ready to play a month too soon then gets rehurt cuz of youthful verve and tender loins?????!!!
Jerry calls it a season without even being examined????
Sneaks into lineup too soon cause of his over large heart and pride???

Like we say STEVE:

Give them fruits, stretch them out like the fullest twilight, and above all ask them to sit down and listen to their bodies.

The man puts the cart before the horse while the child would outpace his own dreams but for his flesh!

Devestated Brevin Knight waived because he has LUPUS? Seek a second opinion Brevin!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 8:25 PM

Monday, March 01, 2004

Wizards release G Brevin Knight!!!

Goodbye, Brevin, we shall miss your elvish ways! We hardly knew ye or ye furniture store, but congratulations on all the Oscars for Lord of the Rings!!!

Japanese fans say so long to Brevin!

Frodo Knight and Hidi!!!

Second generation lineup of KISS says goodbye to free furniture!!!

posted by Ken | | 11:39 PM

Chris Webber leaves trail of death and deception and bacon scent wherever he goes!!!!

First University of Michigan is fleeced of wins simply because CWebb and Fab Five took money to buy good in poor section of town that is known as "Ann Arbor student ghetto," where the SUV's are at least 2 years old. Big deal, right? I mean, who didn't take a little gas money for the white Ford Bronco back in the day?

Now this web of lied deceits and deathful bacon bits is found as CWEbb's highly poor inner city high school, Detroit Country Day:
Webber not eligible in high school, school asked to forgo titles

CWebbofdeceit only took a little money to keep Kid & Play fade nice and tight and for gas money to drive Jaguar to Detroit Country Day high school. A private school for rich kids, yes, but it still has DETROIT in it's title!!!

Holy 8 game suspension!!!!

posted by Ken | | 10:59 AM

Friday, February 27, 2004

WHEN THE BIG HAND TOUCHES THE LITTLE HAND ITS TIME TO HEAL!!!!

Im swollen with Incites about the Passion Play. The clowns have become the ringmasters!
Its a familiar and darek place. Late in the season, the team imploding, scandal and loss, and washingtonwizards.com is running a feature about Brevin Knight's brother!

INCITE #1
Players are bristling like GWiz in a dry summer haystack.
Lines are being drawn and they are being drawn on the back seat of the carpool station wagon.

If nothing else, the Washington Wizards figured the subtraction of Michael Jordan would drain the poison out of their tumultuous locker room.

The poison of Salieri is powerful and burns inside like a morgul blade.

And now Who is in Charge?? CHarles or Buddy? Why didnt Willie Ames get a call back for the "Passion of Christ"? If anybody needed comic relief its JC in the home stretch!

The clowns have become the ringmasters! And this circus tents falling, faster and faster, and the first ones to get hit, are the ones in the cheap seats!

As weve said before, Its power vacuums like this that lead to the unthinkable, like Nazis and signing Rod Strickland!

There is also such thing as the talent vaccuum and see what it does to young spring minds!!!!

Comcast is selling its broadcasts with the line "come see Juan Dixon and the Wizards."

Its a talent vaccumm that cost the bullets 20 years of their lives. Each year a man named Tracy Tim Jim Rex would step into the old world like a canadian missionary off a boat and into camp of hungry Pygmies and suddenly be scoring 50 points in one game and the management firm of Unseld, Nash, Drummond and Unseld Jr. would pony up fattened contracts to secure their latest cornerstone talent. Post show callers like Dana calling up scott jackson and Michael Adams insisting that more minutes for Randell Jackson is all that stands in the way of the playoffs.

Now, Gilbert and Kwame have real talent.

But its easy to wake up one morning in a Wizards uniform with a german SUPEREGO scratching the bedposts waiting for its bowl to be filled.

Remember the year that Michael Westbrook appointed himself the clubhouse leader of the Redskins. Thats THE VOID! Tread gently leaders of tomorrow!!!

LETS RECAP WHAT WAS SAID:

Kwame:
To me, it seems like guys are just going out to get numbers. We're not passing. If you look at the little bit of wins that we do have, we have 20-plus assists. In games that we don't care and all, we have one guy with OK numbers, but he's shooting. We've got guys whining and complaining about offense, but that's not basketball. It makes me sick.

Gilbert:
If you ain't converting, you ain't converting, you know. Last time I checked I passed him the ball like six or seven times; he passed it to somebody else right under the basket. I don't know where he's coming from right there. I mean, I guess he didn't have 20 tonight. I don't know.

Kwame:
Coach changed the whole offense up for certain people," Brown said. "We changed it because certain guys were complaining. I think we need to stop complaining and play ball. What I said I said for the whole team, not just one guy.

Gilbert:
Maybe he sees all those guys who came out of high school and turned into studs, and he's a little bit frustrated over that because he feels he needs to be there," Arenas said. "And we want him to get there. I'm going to try my best to get him there.

Even after the Wizards WIN!!!:

Gilbert:
We're going to keep going this way until somebody complains about something else ...
As long is everybody is happy. I never look at a stat sheet. I don't know what my stats were tonight. I never do...
If we had lost it would have been my fault. Congratulations to everybody else.

KWAME:
He was very obedient. He ran the plays the coach called

OBEDIENT!!!!!???

WHATS GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!

This is no doubt about it abouse. Verbal abuse!

Verbal ABuse is a very seriouis condition. If you've heard, "You're Too Sensitive," like Kwame and Gilbert have , you've heard verbal abuse.
Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.
"Verbal Abuse is insidious.Verbal Abuse is endemic. Verbal Abuse impacts millions of people.Verbal Abuse and its denial are crazy-making!!!!!"
Sticks and stones may break our bones just as wordsdo also

Kwame take the verbal abuser test
Gilbert Take the verbal abuser test

Maybe you are not so smart but both acting dumb. Dumb when it comes to emotionzzz!!

INCITE #2

Not all touches are the same. Mr Drummond never touched Arnold and Willis the same way he touched Kimberley.
There are "Good Touches" and "Bad Touches".
The wizards know bad touches so well they are actually fighting for them,
like little Stockholm-syndromers at a Jeffrey Jones Boys Camp!

Its time for healing and what heals all wounds????

1. Going on team field trips like deep-sea fishing or colonial williamsburg
2. Communication and body contact
3. Sharing stories about your childhood.
4. Small gifts and keepsakes.
5. Remaining thankful for what you already have in life
6. Exploring eachothers bodies.
7. Cortisone and Bacon.
8. Christian Laettner's EMO LPs.
9. Being so secure in your heterosexuality, that you can literally ride anoither man around the house, down on all fours, like a big naked horse.

There are resources outside oursleves for self healing too.

Like:

ATHLETES FOR A BETTER WORLD

and

POSITIVE COACHING ALLAINACE

ALSO, WHO HEALS with his COUNCILMAN'S MANHANDS??
ALDERMAN GEORGE UNSELD is who, for he is the Doctor Phil of Washington Sports and Entertainment

Alderman Unseld gives this healing advice:

"Sons, you've taken a padded seat in a dangerous place called the comfort zone. That means you are not yet ready to change -- in fact you are far from it. You convince yourself that "My wife likes me this way. " or "I think fat is beautiful" but by taking a seat in the comfort zone, you remove yourself from the fear of reaching and possibly failing.

It's like that old saying, "God don't make no junk."

But what really heals, is WINNING!!!!

Now gilbert and kwame are teasing eacother playfully in the showers on the heels of a combined quintuple double!

They are Like George and Martha from WHOS AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF
The two of them clearly care deeply for each other, but events have turned their marriage into a nasty battle between two disenchanted, cynical enemies.
As they tear eachother open on the stage, they have been acutallyt acting out the dualisms that we all face and fear in our lives: repression and the wearing of masks, the inability to communicate, psychological violence, and the fear of castration and childbirth. But now its like George and Martha just went upstairs and finally just had a good sweaty romp in the bed and lwet out all there pent up resentment and now the world seems like quite the place.

Gilbert eats a Jam sandwich with his shirt off and yells "I aint Afraid of No Naomi WOlf!" , and Kwame chuckles over his hot Milo and shoots back softly "Shiit. keep it going, keep it going"

meanwhile.....

What the hey!!!!! Whats Gwiz doing at a San Francsisco Gay Wedding Rally?????

What Could this mean?????????!!!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 2:53 PM

Thursday, February 26, 2004

THE PASSION OF THE KWAME!!!!!

Ive been on the road with our distributor trying to get high quality Darvins Frosted Mini Hams into a mom and pop deli near you!

Tomorrow Ill have MAJOR incites into the raw and specious emotion that threatens to take the rubble of the last 20 years and look amongst it and find the biggest pieces of rubble and tip them over!
The Little Engine That Counted His Touches! Dr Phil! Scorekeepers and Passive Warmongers! Gay Marriage!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:53 PM

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Who dried up my Sharpie, my team?

posted by Ken | | 7:21 AM

Monday, February 23, 2004

Speciallly WizzNutzz exlcusive INCITES from our faveorite proffersor:

The very honoroable
Prof. Irven "Magic" DeVore

I watched yesterday's performance from excellent rafter seats, as if I were Elvin Hayes' number or the Mystics' Attendance Championship banners. Somewhere in the third quarter, I started to form suspicions, which became a hypothesis, which became a theory. I'm speaking here as a trained Biological Anthropologist: Gilbert Arenas appears to possess an auxiliary brain in his hindquarters, like the stegosaurus.

This enlarged ganglion gives Arenas his preternatural quickness. Unfortunately, it also tends to rebel against the commands from upstairs. This would explain why sometimes when he commences his drive to the basket, his feet cut left and his torso cuts right. It is why, when he dribbles on the fast break, he sometimes tries to put the ball on the floor only to find his kneecap in the way. The Wizards are plagued by Internal Strife in the most true and horrifying way: Arenas lives in a perpetual state of rage and trepidation, never knowing when his legs will strike out on their own. He lashes out at Kwame Brown with displaced wrath meant for his insubordinate Stegosaurus Brain. This is real science.

(And this is numerology: is it an accident that Jarvis Hayes wears 2-4, the reverse of StackHUOSE's 4-2, and that likewise when Hays shoots the patented Stackhouse Paint Chipper (TM) off-balance 10-footer from the baseline, it actually goes into the basket, in direct contradiction of the Stackhouse style?)

Oh, Jesus Kwame! Where's Kamall when you need him!?!? My mind = blown!!! NUMEROLOGY AND TWINS EFFS ME UP!

posted by Ken | | 11:40 AM

Holy finger in the arse!
Is this the defensive move that Coach Sharpie Jordan needs to start teaching the young Wizzards in order for them to not give up the lane like a $2 call girl?

Controversial Wests Tigers winger John Hopoate has been suspended for 12 weeks after being found guilty by the NRL Judiciary of poking his fingers up the anuses of three North Queensland players.

In the end the NRL Judiciary had little trouble differentiating between a "wedgie", a "finger up the arse" and the area between the "arse and the nuts" before finding Hopoate guilty.

Asked to describe what a wedgie felt like, the Tigers winger replied: "You get a burning sensation. Your undies are getting reefed up your arse."

Oh to be the reporter who asked the question "What did it feel like?" OUR PROFESSION IS ALWAYS SEARCHING AND EXPERIMENTING!!!

posted by Ken | | 7:43 AM

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Here is WizzNutszz Investigative I & I Team exlcusveive scoop!!

We alsways suspect that the Wash media and especially Wash Post is full of homers giving hummers to Washington sports teams. George Choppers Michael, and Michael Wilbone and Tonyd Kornheiser and Mark Maske are so far up Dan Snyers fannny cavity that they work as excavating team for Dannys clenched bum (too many losses!!!). That means always love for Skins despite dreadful team with race logo. In fact Chad Norman Chad would always have his slams of The Danny cut from his Couch Potato NFL Picks column---only in the Post!!! Can tyou believe it? Us nutzz neither. Which is why we know that Wash Post edit of AP feed of Wizz latest blowout loss, this time to Milwaukkee, features NO GIL vs. KWAMES quotes. In the Yahoo story, Gil attacks Our Savior after Our Savior says The Truth: We don't pass ball enough, guys going for stats. Yeah, Gil, and you are the shooting point guard, right next to the female knees shooting Guard Jerryald Stacvkhome. But instead of realizeding Our Saviour only speaks in truths and riddles, Gil shoots back with angry words.

Let's us break it all down. Here's Post's AP post of story----cut and paste for your evidenceal study because you known the Wyche masterpiece is going up any second acting like he and pOSt all broke the story:

Michael Redd scored 25 points, and the Milwaukee Bucks blew the game open in the third quarter and snapped a seven-game road losing streak with a 113-85 victory over the Washington Wizards on Sunday.

Keith Van Horn, playing his second game since the three-way trade that brought him from New York, came off the bench to score 13 points to help the Bucks win their first road game since Jan. 5.

The Wizards, meanwhile, continue to plummet. They lost their fifth straight, and four of the losses have been by at least 22 points. The 28-point margin of defeat was their biggest of the season. Jerry Stackhouse was ejected in the third quarter after he threw the ball to vent frustration over a foul call, and coach Eddie Jordan was fined $7,500 before the game for a postgame spat with an official following a loss to Indiana on Friday night.

Gilbert Arenas scored 21 points to lead the Wizards, who shot just 38 percent and were outrebounded 47-38 -- even though they were playing a team that had to travel after a tough loss to the Clippers the night before.

The story of the game was the third quarter, which the Bucks opened with a 13-2 run and closed with a 12-2 run. Washington offered little defensive resistance as Redd roamed the court freely for 12 third-quarter points, while Desmond Mason added 10. The Wizards missed 15 of their 22 shots in the period.

Stackhouse was gone with 5:13 left in the quarter. Upset over being called for a foul for reaching around Mason, Stackhouse flung the ball the length of the court -- and beyond -- and was immediately tossed by official Derek Richardson.

Brian Skinner added 12 points and 12 rebounds, and Joe Smith had 12 points and 10 rebounds for the Bucks.

Van Horn started slowly, just as he did Saturday night against the Clippers. His first two jumpers were bricks, and a miscommunication on a pass from Damon Jones led to a turnover late in the first quarter.

But Van Horn scored nine straight Bucks points in the second quarter, including a dunk off a missed layup on a fast break and a baseline 3-pointer. Another big man off the bench, Dan Gadzuric, then took over late in the half with three authoritative dunks as Milwaukee took a 56-48 halftime lead.

Notes: Jordan would not comment on his fine before the game. His transgression came when berated official Leon Wood in the middle of the court after the final whistle in the loss to the Pacers. ... Kwame Brown got his 1,000th career rebound, and Arenas scored his 2,500th career point for the Wizards.

OK now that is documentted in Google cache for all time, click over to see the FULL and REAL AP story via our Good Friends over at the Yahoo or just stay tuned here for fighting words that were expunged:

``To me, it just seems like guys are going out just to get numbers,'' said Brown, who scored six points on 2-for-4 shooting. ``They're not passing. If you look at the little bit of wins that we do have, we have 20-plus assists. Games that we're getting killed on, we have one guy with OK numbers, but he's just shooting. We don't pass the ball. We don't play like a team. We've just guys just whining and complaining about offense, and that's not basketball. It makes me sick.''

Brown didn't name names, but point guard Arenas felt the arrows in his back and responded with his own not-so-subtle critique of Brown.

``Everybody's getting the same amount of touches: If you ain't converting, you ain't converting,'' said Arenas, who scored 21 points on 7-for-21 shooting with six assists and six turnovers. ``Last time I checked, I pass him the ball, like, six, seven times, he passes to somebody else, right under the basket.

``I don't know where he's coming from with that. I guess he didn't have 20 (points) tonight. I don't know.''

WHOA! Them's fighting words! Gil, go wash Kwames's feet NOW, or kiss you soul goodbye!!

Because look at this info from Wizz Insider Wyche colmun:

Third-year forward Kwame Brown's criticism of his team's fractured offense in Friday's loss to Indiana struck a positive note with Jordan, who has been waiting for players to hold teammates more accountable.

"It's finally getting through, we think," Jordan said. "It's good to hear your players say that. We talk about organization on offense and it's very crucial whether it's first quarter or last four minutes or the last two."

Brown, who scored 17 points (6-of-11 shooting) in a career-high 45 minutes, was bothered by teammates breaking off plays and not working the ball into the lane.

"Guys take it upon themselves to shoot," Brown said after practice Saturday. "There's nothing a coach can do about that. The team is talking about doing things right instead of random play. I think we had a lot of random play [Friday] night."

Said Jordan: "You look at Kwame's numbers and he's shooting 48 percent from the field. He's improving almost day by day. We have to emphasize the point that we have to get the ball in to him."

The Coach and his Sharpie know exactly wwhere is bread and soul are buttered, indeed!

Boy oh boy, we must say, Wizz are on a skid longer than the stripe in Yurgi's burlap underwear. Look at htis rundown oof last five games:

Wed, Feb 11 at Philadelphia L 88-113
Tue, Feb 17 at Houston L 81-107
Wed, Feb 18 at New Orleans L 98-120
Fri, Feb 20 Indiana L 87-96
Sun, Feb 22 Milwaukee L 85-113

That's more blowouts than an Antonioni film fest!

Here's a nuggestz:

Rookie Jarvis Hayes shaved his head Thursday after weeks of letting it grow into an old-school natural. A week ago, Hayes said that he didn't plan on cutting his hair until the end of the season.

"People were saying that I looked too much like my brother," Hayes said, referring to his twin brother Jonas, a forward at the University of Georgia. . . .

Shaved dome or not, He looks like you because he's your TWIN BROTHER, Jar Jar Binks Au Natural Hayes!!!

But one another postive things came out of this week's series of losses and team fracturing games:

KWAME PLAYED CAREER HIGH IN MINUTES VS. INDIANA!!! 45 MINUTES ON COURT IN BLO(WOUT!!! OUR SAVIOR STILL GOT GAME WHEN CHIPS AND WIZZ ARE DOWN BY 20 or 30!!!!

And weekend highlight for me, the Ken of Beatrice, had career high from Kamall!!
As Jimmy Cliff once sang: "I can see clearly now, Kamall is here." Thanks for the sensi clairvoyance, Kamzi!!!

posted by Ken | | 10:26 PM

Friday, February 20, 2004

Wizzards stand on pat with trades!!! Mr. Lukewarm himselves, the highly machosenuous C Laet, still makes post-dealine home in D.C. riding pine! And Kamall still has his best customer!!! Welcome home, , again, Lukewarm Claet! GRow that hair and Sensi up!!!

posted by Ken | | 9:23 AM

Thursday, February 19, 2004

The Danger of Hoarding!!!!

"Where most people see an empty roll of toilet paper, they see art supplies."

So tru! I've got stacks and stacks of used Kwame Brown shorts in my room. I'm sewn them into a quilt which I rub on my face when I get nervous that Kamall has gotten lost and wont return with the Sensi. Bacon and youth basketball fragrances calm me and cloak of silk soothes soul. I used to rub big Wes Unseld vintage jerseys on my belly for peace of mind but then I found out it was ALDERMAN UNSELD not WES UNSELD who wore the jerseys!!! That explains giant I LOVE KANSAS BASKETBALL patch covering supposed Bullets logo!!

"They have rambling or overinclusive speech, where you ask them a question and they tell you a whole story with every possible detail before they get to the answer," says Sanjaya Saxena, a professor at UCLA's School of Medicine.

I want to hoard Sanjaya Saxena! Who doesn't!!!

posted by Ken | | 10:22 AM

HEY KAmALL!! Put down Sensi, break out Sharpie, ANd write on corrugated cardboard MANTRA from Steve Wyche artylcle!!
"Players cite chemistry flaws, youth, turnovers, poor defense and the failure to establish an offensive flow as reasons for the rapid downward spiral."

Abe Pollin distributes internal VISORS with Wyche Slogan! Ted Leonsis prints it on personal thongs and manages STILL to FITS entire quote!

Welcome to F-U Street!!! I'VE GOT STATS BLEEDING FROM MY STIGMATA MARTYR!!!!

posted by Ken | | 12:45 AM

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Man WIzards got murdered last night!!!!! Something is rotton in the state of DC, and DC isnt even a state!
Thats a rough box score guys. Not sure who fared worse:
-Juanita Jordan Dixon: 0 Assists, 0 Steals, 6 turnovers.
-Jerry Stackhouse: 7 Points, 1 Board, 2 Assists, 4 TOs
-Kwame: 1 FG in 30 minutes

Tonight, more murder on the menu!
Jerrys justv gonna need some time to get used to having the knee of a full grown man again As a 6'7, 30 year old slasher, I'd say he'll need 6 weeks, and without a consistent bigman down there, 2 scorers just aint gonna do it.
Trading deadline approaches: everyones fighting over Sheed. Brevin and CLate could possibly be leaving us. But unlikely. Es[pecially thanks to Salieri's maguic contract for Christian Laettner: an overripe and sluggish white forward, overpaid, but overpaid with a salary accelerator to make sure the back door stays shut.

Gary Paulson says Kwame Has Officially Arrived!!! Someone tell kwame!!!

Former Bullets ALLSTART, yes allstar, Michael Adams is coaching he LadyWizz!!!
In radio interviews around the dial yesterday, Michael said the phrase "basketball is basketball" until his voice was dry and raspy and my Bike(tm) coache's shorts didnt fit anymore.

Oh and dont think we forgot about Manute Bol and his troubles. Its just too painful ruight now.
But we'll have hilarious thuings too say when we get over it!!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:26 PM

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

TOUGH STRETCH AHEAD FOR WIZ
"After All-Star" is Upon Us!!!!

Basketball experts suggest Wizards will have a hard time in the next few games because they dont match up with good teams very well.

So we made it through Black Thanksgiving with a 100% casualty rate. Jarvis has to go back to his fully functioning Beef and Sheep farm and conditon his ankles in the muddy paddocks like a South Cardiff Rocky Balboa!!!

Meanwhile the rest of the team did what every young group of inner city millionaires would do... they went deep sea fishing!!!

How great is that!
CHristian LAettner does it every year, and I guess all the other young guys are just tagging along like little brothers, cramping his stlye, scaring the fish!
I would so love to see Kwame in his neoprene waders and zinc cream, holding his high tension pole off the side of the boat, listening to Jimmy Buffett, setting up his rig, getting his MUSKIE INNOVATIONS SHALLOW INVADERS all mixed up in Cold MountainsCREME SCOUNDRELS while Jared Jeffries clambers around the deck after a slippery fish like Gollum in the Forbidden Pool!

All the while Brevin Baggins spent the weekend curled up in his special bed at the Bellini Furnbiture store that he runs with his wife. Goodnight quiet old lady whispering hush! Goodnight Moon!

Meanwhile,
At the CHico Debarge AllStart Party this weekend, Wizznutzz friend travis morrison leaned over to me while I finished a plate of Atkins Approved pom niosettes and declared:

That Philly game insulted me. I may not watch for a while. Gilbert
Arenas gets this look on his face like he is trying to remember what sport he
is playing, and Kwame and Brendan left their opposable thumbs in DC. I
couldn't believe it. They'd been catching the ball for weeks.

At which point he hastily made his way out of the Applebees and into the heavy dusk.

The FInal Results are in for the
2004 GHEORGIE AWARDS!!!!

But What about "The Kid with the Broken Halo"??? That scene where Rudy Desautel is wide open in the end zone and is jumping up and down waving his arms for the ball??? I felt like I was in the game!

Chech out therese awesome Gheorge Muresan links:

-A top notch fan site!

-Scroll Down for Gidza in a One Piece!!!!

-Assistant professotr Muresan??

And finally,

everybody go a read about being a DC SPortsfan from our ace reporter friend Sports Central Columnist Pete Sweigard. He quotes us! We R Flattered by your Turgid prose big Pete!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 7:15 PM

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

WE LOVE TK STACK TROUSERS, aka The Man WHo Would Be Larry King, for his fun-with-names journalism ("They'd have gotten more mileage out of Downtown Julie Brown. ") and for his Throwback wrestling Togs but mostly for occasionally using his talents to write pearls like this that move us to tears:

The thing about Kwame is, as long as he's here we're always going to be blinded by him being the No. 1 overall pick. It was the luckiest of moments. After all those No. 5 and No. 6 picks, to finally hit the lottery and go to the top. And it was Michael Jordan doing the picking. This was back when everyone here was still in love with Jordan -- even Abe. Kwame Brown represented hope. And in a sense we will always associate him with that hope, and we'll wait longer for him and root harder for him than perhaps we should. Because in that moment it seemed so clear the corner had been turned. Nobody wants to think it's a cul de sac we live on, and there is no corner.

Meantime, Kwame was runner-up for Player of the Week, losing only to KMart aka Old Yella and to Marbury aka "Starbury" aka "The Right Steph" whose recent play as a Knick has returned joy to the stale lives of New York Post headline writers.

OK, awesome Baltimore SUn expose By Mike Klingaman on jouneyman and former Bullet Bob McCann.
McCann has wound up as a retirement center cafeteria cook but Klingaman manages to make it seem like a success strory, even though a seniors idea of 4-star dining depends on how man minutes the turkey burger got in the microwave.

But Klingaman is THE BEST with sports double meanings, in fact he OUTPUNTS HIS COVERAGE in this piece:

-Bob McCann, basketball journeyman, is cookin'.
-His game still cooks
-Bob McCann dishess off to seniors now as cook
-When McCann moves to the basket, it is to deep-fry a batch of shrimp.
-When the former center feeds his wings, folks lick their chicken-lovin' fingers.
-And if McCann starts making turnovers, well, just grab a dessert plate and get in line.

But the most controversial part comes later:
"I call him 'The Very Large One,'" resident Ruth White said of McCann, who is 6 feet 7 and 300 pounds. "His hands absolutely fascinate me. I asked, 'What are you doing behind that counter?"

You don't get big exotic black men who threaten yet stir you deep inside at the Hot Shoppes, do you Ruth White?? -- or should I call you Lilly WHITE.

I guess we cant live forever but it would be nice to believne we can outlive our predjudices.

posted by WizzNutzz | | 4:13 PM

Oh christa mighty kwame browny!! I'm Ken beatrice with internet access and a pocketful of weed from Kamall the Konquerer our new intern and dealer to the stars/spelling bee champs!!!!!! See i ran out of mental balancing herbal medicine from Chiapias Mexico region of Zapatistas and I found myself more and more desperate, living under stacks of old Washington Star newspapers sports pages in the library of congress morgue!!! but Kamall came in on his magic carpet and rolled a big fattyboombalatti and floated my stats-riddled mind right out of there and into Wizznutzz Chevy Chase offices. It's so good to be back, if not on my feet then in Mothering Hut twice a day, with Kamall looking after all my needs EVEN IF I don't need. But I tell you this: My Glaucoma IS GONE!!!

Mr. Quitter himself, the former Tony Kornheiser of radio fame, who used to be a writer a long time a go and gave it up to be George Konstanza, is in the sports pages today, making Catskills jokes and praiseing Our Dear Leader Lord Kwame Brown!!! Truth is I would read all of it but i'm too familiar with Tony's schtick---italics from fake reader/editor are so passa passa!!!---, having worked with him in radio for many years, and I was finishing his Henny Youngmanisms even before Tony could scream "WILBOnE!!" Tony coasts more than Tony Hawk on a San Francisco downhill, but it's good to see he's finally coming around to Our Savior.

L Boogie breaks hand slamming it against D Miles head in anger over hot Murphy Lee tune "What da Hook Gon Be!!!" giving St,. Louis shoutouts to Darius first, before Cold Mountain!!! Understandable anger, Boogie! Murphy Lee is punk! Don't get tattoo on broken wrist unless tat is of cast, which would be postmodernical!

posted by Ken | | 9:36 AM

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

NOW FIVE GAMES BACK! THREE IN THE LOSS COLUMN!!

COLD MOUNTAIN'S BODY FINALLY GIVES OUT!!!

la main douce de la montagne froide a ete piquee par l'obscurite
amere du landover

LBoogie out 4-6 weeks. DAMN YOU CURSE of LES BOULEZ!!!!

Even though the Coy Mister is good for 3 or more wins all by himself, we stand by our prediction.
Its time for Juan Dixon to have good long look in the mirror, think he can see green germs crawling everywhere, give himself an antiseptic full body scrub, then have another long look in the mirror.

BIG game tomorrow as wiz take their destiny on the road to fast falling Phili and their interim coach and their Big Bad Voodo Daddy Samual DeLambert.

Remember when Voodoo went black magic on Gilbert Arenas???!!!!
And Gilbert wanted STreet Justice???

Now that the White Hand of Sauruman has been defeated maybe Voodoo can just be Samuel again and we can all get along, especially if by getting along you mean Kwame Brown scoring 30 points and dedicating his Player of the Week award to "The Hobbits"

The Wizards Will March On Because of Kwame Brown whose truly developed into a Manimal-CHild.

We may have to rethink the whole Salieri Mozart analogy! Maybe it could go like this:

Michael Jordan went and got his man in the draft, and tried his green-eyed best to ruin his protege but instead of Mozart dying in poverty from the poisons of Salieri, he hides the pills under his pillow like james Caan in "Misery" from the dirty bird in the black mask, and gets his strength back and challenegs Salieri to a duel, defeating him but sparing his life out of mercy and Salieri is exiled forever. Meanhwile Mozart reworks his depressing poison-fueled unfinished Requiem into a more upbeat "The Ride of The Kwames", a dizzying, spastic masterstroke that is so successful that he can retire forever from powdered wigs and quills.
He divorces his commoner wife Konstanze and takes up with the Austiran King Joe's daughter Maria Theresa who doesnt die at age 8 from smallpox. Mozart and Maria move South to warmer weather, and Mozart becomes a popular Mayor of the local town while Maria heads up celebrity charity auctions and does occasional stints for Extra, and eventually Mozart feels overadored and takes an early retirement and puts his small hands back to work, this time as a tanned golf course architect. Maria and him move into a massive neo-italiantae townhouse overlooking the 9th hole, and MTV Cribs does a special on him and the house, and he has pianos in every room, including the bedroom, where he tells the camera "this is where the real action takes place", and the audience isn't quite sure if he means the piano or the king sized bed until he turns on the way out to give us a cunning wink!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:10 PM

Monday, February 09, 2004

PRESS RELEASE FEBRUARY 9, 2004.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The Wizznutzz TM officially announced today that the Wizards WILL make the playoffs THIS year.

We are the first credible media outlet of note to make this claim.
Certainly Michael Wilbon isnt making it because he is busy baking Pies at home for his ALL STAR Weekend BLACK THANKSGIVING party
Even Gilbert Arenas isnt saying it.

Everybodys scoring 20 a night from now on. Even you Brevin Baggins! Alley oops, steals! This is SEA DOG Basketball!!!!
Double penetration increases production for the Bigs! Thats basketball talk!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:14 PM

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Larry L Boogie Cold Mountain Hughes gets mega St. Louis shoutout in new Murphy Lee song! Outrage ensues because L Boogie's name follows "D Miles" and Cold Mountain gets tattoo on forrehead to protest, but otherwise gives props on court to Nellie crew on court by whoopin up on the Clippers!!!

What Da Hook Gon Be Rating: by 166 users

[Intro: Murphy Lee]
Hahaha, yo, yo, yo, yo
You never met a nigga like me
Yo yo, have you ever seen a little dude
Who be doing what I do?
Uh huh, yo whoo!
Let's get at it dog, whoo!

[Verse: Murphy Lee]
Now what goes up, must come down (shiiett)
But we ain't coming down, it be them same ole' clowns
Aiming your pound pretending they proud
But when you leave town they go around they running they mouth (maaann)
They something like a hater man
Talking bad about a playa as if I'm not gon see ya later man
You constantly frontin until you confronted on
If you don't like whats going on gwoin to another song
Cause I keep a hater guilty
My cars and my money all alike man, both them filthy (get it?)
From skimpy and empty to fuel on full
See I be high when my car go Bulls
Obey no rules to school you fools
Schoolboy's err'y where, we're Young Dude news (maann)
St. Louis like Louis D. Miles and Larry Hughes
And the Young Dude done paid young dudes' dues dude

[Chorus - repeat 2x]
[JD:] But yo, what da hook gon' be (Uh oh!)
[ML:] See I don't need no fucking hook on this beat (Shiieet)
All I need, is the track in the background
My headphones loud, keep the blunt goin 'round and I'ma rip

[Verse: Murphy Lee]
The sun'll come out.. tomorrow
And I will never have to borrow
Got my first car when I turned sixteen
Only drove it home outta town limosines
Plus we was broke wit a deal but nobody could tell
So we did what we had to do for "Country Grammar" to sell
Haha, I stay on my own melodies
Plus I like my Booties and my Boobs like a capital letter 'B'
That's how it is, how it better be
I preferably rather have two or three girls in the bed wit me
Close your errs [ears] ma you ain't heard nothin (whaa?)
I always pay ma let a brother hold somethin
I'm basically coming from nothing to something
When I say nothing meaning pocket full of lint and buttons
(We all we got!) Used to be creative on Halloween (how you gon?)
Stop a hotter teen went from nada to a lot of things

[Chorus]

[Verse: Murphy Lee]
People always saying man it must be nice
No hi no nothing not a simple house life
Understand the money's good but I'm still from the hood
So don't be asking for no "inch" be expecting the "foot"
Unless you want a foot (whoo!)
I know a few crooks that can place you where you need to be put
And it might not cost me playa
Got a Benz pepper interior, paint salty playa
And we all push it, but me I push it real good
Brains blown out, chromed out, wheel real wood
Catch me on your local derrty
Or in the studio doing vocals derrty
I'm the same dude that came through wit my crew
Let the girls do me while you do you
And um, all I need is JD beat to be banging
And I'll come up wit these verses that I'm usually slanging
I be ripping man

[Chorus - to end]

posted by Yurgi | | 4:09 AM

Friday, February 06, 2004

MORE CWEBB GOLD

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:33 PM

TRULY EXHILIRATING C-WEBB PHOTO FROM THE SUPPLE MICHIGAN DAYS:

CLick on the photo for more!

Man whats cooler thatn RayBans!??? They are like magic instant cool!.
Dogs look cool in them, old celebrities look cool in them!

CWEBB BUYS A CBA TEAM!!!

And his younger brother David plays for the Storm

Heres the DAVID WEBBER FILE!!!:

-Full name: David Ranier Webber
-Nickname: DWebb --- HOW GREAT IS THAT!!!
-Major: English
-Minor: Physical education
-Career goals: Backup singer/NBA --- BACKUP SINGER: HOW GREAT IS THAT!!! HOW SAD TOO!! NEPOTISM CRIPPLEZZ!!!
-Sports hero: Serena Williams
-Non-sports hero: Dad

Favorites
-TV show: Cosby Show
-Book: Biography of Frederick Douglas
-Web site: Hotmail.com

-The teammate I would call as a lifeline on Millionaire: Whitney Robinson
-My most prized possession: Chain HOW GREAT IS THAT!!!
-My dream vacation: Hawaii
-My advice to youngsters is: Obey your parents
-My autobiography would be titled: Dweezie
-The most impressive person I've met: Michael Jordan -- DOnt GIVE YOUR SOUL TO SALLY FOR A NEW SHINY CHAIN!!!
-My ultimate 3-on-3 teammates: CWebb and Michael Jordan

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:12 PM

Thursday, February 05, 2004

COSTUME MALFUNCTION!!!

GWiz laughs and it's raining all day
He loves to be one of the girls
He lives in the place in the sideline of our