Thursday, November 04, 2004  

YO ballerzz and chocolate ckickens:


for "WIZZNUTZZ 2005: The Chronciles of Laron"!!!"


posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:44 PM

Friday, July 16, 2004  

Enjoying new font sizes!!!
And enjhoying new stylizationsss!!
and especially enjoyingg new colors !!!!!!!!
incites on Mark AnTwain Jameison as soon as this overproof caribbean rum wears off!!!! lots of talents here in west indies!!! bernie bickerstaff seen "scouting" for Bobcats with "burning fingers" that reach lips and exhale!!! bernie says, "nah gon go hom pon de boat so signal da plane pon da bank, you noh mean man?" whatever butterstuff!!!

hi travis "t morr"!!! name album JAZZISTAN!!! hi chris deep cut qnotu!!! name album G-WIZ!!!

comments now enabled!! leaved thoughts and incites and couragements and burning fingers!!!

posted by Ken | | 9:36 AM

Sunday, May 23, 2004  

Big Ben Gets Sheed's Stinky Ass Game worns!!! Meanwhile, Abe Pollin rolls around naked in pile of laundry change!!!

From Det News

On the cheap

Before the game, Ben Wallace was reminiscing about his days playing for the Washington Wizards.

"When I was coming in, Rasheed (Wallace) was going out," Wallace said. "I remember, I didn't ask them for a jersey number or anything. They just handed a bag of practice clothes."

He was given No. 30, and figured, what the heck, the name on the back was spelled right, so no problem.

"When I put it on, I noticed it smelled funny," he said. "It smelled like moth balls or something. Then I figured it out."

What the Wizards had done was give Rasheed Wallace's stuff to Ben. Rasheed had worn No. 30 previously. They figured it would save them from having to stitch another name on a new jersey.

"Can you believe that?" Wallace said, laughing.

In other breaking news, Abe Pollin gives more food to poor. The MCI CEnter donated chicken tender baskets that also smell like mothballs and Wallaces!!!

posted by Ken | | 9:33 AM

Saturday, May 22, 2004  

Former Bullets star---and Dana Von Postgame Call-In Show Girl's favorite solution---Michael The General Adams is leading Mystikal Warriors of D.C.!!! Described as an "overachiever" by Mystics brass. So true! General Michael Adams Was only expected to coach middle school women's basketball, but now has overachieved into dealing in professionalisms!! Enjoy your Mystikal year, Michael, and overachieve the Tiks into a 10-24 record (+1 from 2003)!!!

posted by Ken | | 11:58 AM

Thursday, May 20, 2004  

We are still alive, are yOu? Is it in you? Gatorade, is it in you? Is it in YOU? Is IT in you? IS IT in YOU???

BUt we throw our love and moist towels to the Pistons who have more ex-Wizz than the CBA!!! Go Big Ben! Go Hamilton Facemask!! Go Sheed Fascistis!!! Way to creush the Jersey Kenyons!!! No onto Pacemakers, and then Lakers----and then it's pullin' weed all summer!!! Partake thy championship chalice on Jefferson Ave.!!!

posted by Ken | | 10:11 PM

Friday, April 16, 2004  

Oh where have these days gone like so many losses, like so many souls.

Wizznutzz try to bring veteran understanding to the game and SHUT IT DOWN EARLY like seasoned pros, but the interns have innocent energy and , except for Ken, the interns are our future!

I have seen the future, and I cant sleep. The future was on TV.
Last Nigth on THE APPRENTICE, highest rated TV show in THE WORLD excluding the THird INDIA v PAKISTAN Cricket Test match,.
I am watching the apprentice and who should step on camera, but OC, the ORIGINAL CHEESEMAN,
thats right!

IKE "total package edutainer" AUSTIN!!!

See here:

Ikes Foundation, which has the same ambassador-class copy writing that weve come to expect from the Austin web presence!:

It has been stated that Mr. Austin's achievements are unimaginable to some and he is described as the perfect definition of struggle and success against all odds.

There are certainly nights when Ike wore Wizards unifrom and his achievements were unimaginable! HOLLA!!!

As the worlkd watched, India had build a 200 run lead At stumps with 4 wickets in hand, and Ambassador Ike Austin was at 126 not out!!!!
Ike announced his first test century as a "century for peace"!!
All fearsome thoughts of Kashmir forgotten briefly under the long shadows of sportsmanship!!!

Wizznutzz support Ike Austin and his sugary needles!!!!

Steve Wyche loves Ike Austin:(1999) Steve Wyche: On paper, Washington is significantly improved over last season's team. They got a legit center in Ike Austin and landed three nasty and athletic power forwards in Williams, Smith and camp-invitee Gerard King -- a sleeper.


ANyway, we will have incites in then next few days about the ways ahead, but to make up for our absence:

WORLDS GREATEST MP3: An Exlusive Look into the impotent treacheries of MIND OF SALIERI!!!

(right click to dowload. Play 30 times if at all!)

posted by WizzNutzz | | 7:02 PM

Thursday, April 01, 2004  

As season winds down yoou may notice lack of dearth of incites and such. There is a lot of depression in our offices, though none of it has to do with Washington Wixardzzz. There s just so much going wrong here, fgrom the breakdown of the Mothering Hut to us losing Kamall somewhere in the Wheaton metro station. The Hut and Kamall provisded me stabilization of mind, somethin that you all know i need if you've been following my post-radio career travails [self-flagalation aS self-regulation; ungarments pants cilices for all; Opus Dei mon amis]. And there's rumors that Dana has returned from Xiapis Mexico region and is hanging around Bowie restaurant dumpsters looking for Rod Strickland.

In honor of lost Kamall -- we burn the Wheaton chalice in your honor and hope you find bus pass to Chevy Chase offices soon -- and because we know Wizzardz season soon end, we like to throw our support behind our kindred spellers: THE REGGAE BOYZ. Scare dem crew! Kick dem tings!

posted by Ken | | 8:22 AM

Tuesday, March 30, 2004  

I apologize to the organization for my absence.
I have been on a trip of a "personal" nature.
2 weeks ago I packed 4 pair of briefs, 8 quarts Pruno, nothing else.
Now I return to you with nothing beyond the spicy and unforgiving odor of fermenting oranges.

And then last night I thought maybe my trip had been in vain---that the voices were still there --- but it turned out they were there!

it was the Phoenix Suns broadcasters on my NBA KwamePass saying about Kwame after an aggressive rebound:

"He's like a dirtworker inside"


or maybe he said dock-worker. does someone have some gum?

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:32 PM

Thursday, March 25, 2004  

EXCLUSIVE BREAKING NEWZ!!! WIzzz and Guttenfans (tm) UNITE!!!!


posted by Ken | | 12:23 AM

Wednesday, March 24, 2004  

What does 29:0 and 29:2 mean to you? You're close if you say it's Gheorge Muresan's aspect ratio, but you would be wring!!!! Those are Our Savior Kw. Brown's stat line for yesterday's loss to all those white guys in Utah!! Kwames had 0 points and 2 johnny rebs in 29 minutes!! THE ROOKIE WALL SPRINGS ETERNAL!!!


posted by Ken | | 7:26 AM

Monday, March 22, 2004  

Pinch me pliantly!!! Special edition Wide screen GUTTENBERG!!!

I think Wizz lost yesterday or soemthning. But the bigger news this side of color corrected Guttenberg in 16:9 is GHERPORGE MURSESAN WAS BACK IN TOWN!!! His aspect ratio is still WAY off, but it's still good to have him on D.C. soiled, teahcing and training and loving with former Buleltz and now Mysterics coach, the lilthe Michael Adams. Now we just need to get the Price Brothers and Rex Chapman and Duckworth back in town and we'll relive glory days of mid-'90s!!!!

posted by Ken | | 7:30 PM

Thursday, March 18, 2004  

Wizz beat up on Kings! Mysteriously a one "Mr. Mace Webber" receives $100,000 check from "A. Pollin Wiz Relief Fund"!!!

Our Savior the Passsion of the Kwame goes for career highs!! KAMALL IN THE HIZZO!

Kwames gives about 63% effort and gets 30 points, 19 johnny rebs and discovers more enticing aspects of his ever evolving and pliant body by finding out all about the pleasures of the TAINT:
"I had goose bumps when they cut it to two under two minutes, but we were able to pull it out."

That's not goosebumps, Kwames! Those are allways going to be there!!! ENJOY!!!

posted by Ken | | 12:07 PM

Saturday, March 13, 2004  

Due to mounting loses at F Street locale, Abe Pollins cuts rations! Serves Anzac stew to troops---a bucket of hot water with one rind of bacon fat!!!---learned recipe from Johnny Turks and Hidi!!! But Wiz reacted negatively, convulse with foaming mad smiles, shouting "Eggs-A-CooK!!!" before each shot and enacting erractic behavior, as seen here with CLaet grimacing and swinging his sharpened elbows at Jason Terry's bangers & mash!!!

Bacon ration soup causes Wizz to lose 5th in a row---but they did score season high!! But Hotlanta scored seasons higheer!!! That's one bonzer of a loss, mates!

As this season heads into the trenches in alf a mo like an Australian youth in 1915s Turkey, we've decided to look ahead to futre of Wizards---POSTIVELY of course, just as with our liberal use of sports and war metaphors which we learned are OK to say based on the highly inciteful use of them by the very reverand and higher educated ESPN football annoucers !!!


Charlie Villanueva
UConn Huskies, Freshman, Forward
6-11, 230, Brooklyn, NY

What we like about him:
Chuckie V has highly definite Ike Austin and Popeye Jones qualities about him. We're not sure about his game, but look at that mug: No eyebrows, clean dome, heavy lids, winning smile. That's a future Wizard.

Here's some scoutning excerpts on Charles:

Stregnths: A strong all around talent. Charlie excels at passing the ball, scoring from the perimeter and handling the ball on the break. His inside/outside game makes him a virtual lock for a double-double every night.

Weaknesses: A bit laid back at times [DRAFT...HIM...NOW], which leads to scoring in bunches and then going cold. Needs to develop a killer instinct.

The former McDonald's Eating All-American wanted to go from New Jersey's Blair Academy to 2003 NBA draft but decided he'd only be drafted in late fist round and not make enough benjamins and besides he'd go to a good team in late first---and he's obviously destined for the Wizzards in 2004!!! WELCOME CHUCK!!

posted by Ken | | 9:13 AM

Thursday, March 11, 2004  


I COULD actually see Mitchell Butler getting older!

T-MAC lights it up over and over and over.!!

Sure the Magic have Tracy McGrady, but the Wizards have... CINDY McTRUSTY" !!!!,
aka Mitchell Butler!!!

And the Wiz hang in blow for blow for a while with Gilbert and Etan, aka PRIDE and PREDJUDICE hopping back over the trench like young ANZAC soldiers in Gallipoli

"how fast can ya run?"
"as fast as a chicken"
"how fast are ya gonna run?"

Only to be mown down again by the turkish guns!!!

Injuries or no injuries, If I was Abe Pollin I would trust Mitchell Butler to perform my weekly colonoscopy before I would trust him to run the offense.

If I was ABe Pollin, I would get Alcor to freeze me like Ted Williams and his Son, to be thawed when the Wiz make the playoffs.
Phil Chenier could keep the forzen Abe in his lving room, by the credenza. When he can't sleep, Phil will stand in front of the glowing blue cryo-jar that holds the old frozen jewish man, and eat ginger snaps innthe dark in his too-small terry cloth robe, and drink hot cocoa. He wouldnt have any profound thoughts when he does this; he would just enjoy his snaps and clear his head. In the morning his wife would feel the cookie crumbs under her bare feet and be reminded perhaps of her own mortality and feel a sudden urge to feel a mans touch and the warm sting of brandy in her throat.

At halftime, Fred Carter called the Cleveland Cavaliers "The Seabiscuit of the NBA"!!!!!
Which I guess makes LeBron James the one-eyed, unhyped, left for dead, drunk and gammy-legged jockey of the NBA??
Sharp sports-on-sports metaphor Fred!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:13 PM

Wednesday, March 10, 2004  


Rod Strickland added 14 points to go along with seven rebounds and a season-high 16 assists for the Raptors

Dave Johnson found talking to himself by the felt padded Television pillars at Wheaton Plaza

Orlando may have dumped Rod to go in the tank for the draft, but Rod left Orlando a litlle Sumthin Sumthin!

I love how it was immediately ASSUMED to be spider bites!!!!! Its DOesnt Take CSI MIAMI to put thes epieces together!

Rod looked 10 years younger last night, perhaps because our brothers to north have no halfsmokes due to bitter trade pact?

Once Rod gets his own personal, FUNKMASTER Flex vending cart registered in Toronto we will see the old rod back, the old old one, not the young old one.

The cart has all the FLEX signatures: The Glacier Bay mixing faucet has an arched swan neck, and the sneeze guard as stainless steel all the way!

WITNESS Mister STricklands magically Tricked out platinum CART:

--Watch the VIDEO
--See the SPECS

And wizznutzz interns uncover nitrate trail of Rods that leads all the back top Dodge.
The Last poster on this foum definitely seems to know his stuff....!!!

We miss you too Rod! Its alright to cry, crying gets the sad out of you!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:32 PM


Just got a JAHIDI CODE RED on the Wizznutzz Blackberry from Wizznutzz Insider JOSH LEVIN!!!!



IF your not an ESPN Insider heres the highlights:

How do the Suns convince the Bobcats to swallow this contract? They offer $3 million in cash (the most a team can pay) and their first-round pick (currently the third pick in the draft). The Bobcats would jump at the chance to have another high lottery pick. Why does Phoenix do it? Getting White off the books gives them roughly $16 million in cap space to make a run at Kobe Bryant this summer. They know they're a little short right now.

"ESPN INSIDER" false advertising, for your money they should tell you itsbreally "ESPN ASSCRAZY!"

Rebuilding teams giving up #3 picks in the draft?

IT gets Crazier now.

Cold Mountain, DOnt go back to Butterstaffs Farm!

This will be the other deal to look at. The Wizards also are interested in clearing cap space, and Hughes may tempt the Bobcats. He's a good, young talent with only one year left on his contract. Hughes can play multiple positions and gives the team someone who can score and pass the ball. If the Wizards threw in cash, would the Bobcats bite?

LBoogies the best deal on our books!! You want to clear our cap space, take Lorenzo WIlliams!!!!

Or Sister Christian????

Washington might be willing to throw in its lottery pick (currently No. 6) if the
Bobcats took Christian Laettner (1 year, $6.2 million) instead. The Wizards, in return,
clear enough room to throw $10 million or so at a free agent this summer.

We give up a lottery pick and sister christian to throw 10 million dollars at a second rate free agent Rodney White??? Thats how Sally got us in this mess in the first place!

ESPN InSIDER neeks to check its head at the Bacon Road Helath Center


Internists dont wear ties, and have to pass this comprehensive medical test.

Wherever Jahidi goes we wish him love and chasers at his heels for he is our heart and a little bit of all of us is in jahidi, especially the part that manrapes our young!!

Intern Jarrkko's Flash Tribute ahead of its time!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 5:03 PM



Wizards Plummet to New Low!!!

Gillby Arenas, who over the past few days said the final quarter of the season would show which players would demonstrate their commitment to the game, teared up when asked about how the team responded to two tough losses with a 30-point defeat.

"Season worst?" Arenas (team-high 23 points, seven assists) asked, before pausing. "Man, it's pride now, these last 20 games. It's the NBA. You've got to have pride if you want to be in this game. You've got to want to be in here. You can't take it off."

While many fans will be "taking off" their tix for the rest of the year and for next season, rest assured Ponchus Arenas, we love you just as we love Our Savior Kw. Brown. Universally love, no matter your quaduaruple digit loses and your sub-Hot Plate Williams-era Bulletz season. Let's now create a eucharist, to proclaim our faith in Wizardy and especially Kwamey and choco choco chickens:

I received from the Lord Kwame what I also handed on to you, a bounce pass off Brendan Haywoods knee, that the Very Rev. Kwames on the night when he was betrayed by Judas Iscariot Jordan took an olive loaf from Hidi's locker, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my pliant nubile body that is for you. Do this in remembrance of me as the number one pick, just as barefooted Sissy Brown and Auntie and her homemade shirt of glitter and fake blingbling did. This cup from Abe Drummond Pollands person collection of "25th Anniversary Bulletz Plastic Glasses" is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me, the JJ Kwames of Wizzstein. For as often as you eat this Hidi bread and drink the athelete's cup, you proclaim the Wizards death until it comes.

Then me Kwames took a loaf of Hidi bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to Jared Jefferies, saying, "This is my body, JJ, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me, and try to bulk up a bit, string bean.


posted by Ken | | 12:06 AM

Tuesday, March 09, 2004  

More Squeaky Clean Jarvis Hayes Diary Updates!

The Jam Jar has a Proustian moment at the AllStar Weekend!

Coach Jordan Chroming regularly off DoubleWide sharpie he uses to apply his bangs with, takes first genuine shot at his players!

Retro-Snipes our Bigs for being softcocks!!

"It was like watching grass grow," Jordan said of the trials and tribulations of Kwame Brown, Jared Jeffries, and Brendan Haywood. "Are they ever going to improve? Are they ever going to get it? Are they ever going to be physical? Are they ever going to grow? But then you step away and see [that they have]. This league is all about talent, toughness, and veteran's experience, not young, developing, soft teams."

Tom Knott continues to call out Wizards players for being gutless.

First he took on Larry "COldMountain" Hughes which was shameful.
Now he accusses StrawHouse of being a larcenous Felonius Bunk!

STACK had a very Tom Knott moment himself last week:

"It was worth it," Stackhouse said. "I was able to come back and show the professionalism of what the job is about. Now it's time to be smart, be professional about the situation."

Jerry Stackhouse is Like Matt Flinders (The Velvet Frog???) of the NBA, The Professionals Professional!!~

Meanwhile disgraced self-hating dinkan Manute Bol is stumping in a Middleton Straw Pol to help aid Tiny Tims and Tiny Tinas of the Sudan.

"I think the work he's doing in wonderful," said Norman Bishop, president and founder of Positive Solutions, which runs PBR Ltd. The Gallery and gift shop. "It's needed to bring awareness to the people of Sudan."

Bishop added, :"He's also wonderfully funny looking, which is why we are expect an excellent afternoon!"

Meanwhile, The Indianapolis Ice, Manutes former Hockey Team, is signing up Tonya Harding!!!

See Manute hate himself here!

Read Jim Lynams touching customer review of "Manute Bol: The Center of Two Worlds" here!

BOMB SQUAD member back on the court!
The United States Basketball League, Inc. (USBL) announced today the signing of former NBA star and Enid resident Brent Price by the Oklahoma Storm. Price will hold the responsibilities of player, assistant coach, and vice-president of community outreach.

The beast part is they play at the 2000 capacity "Mark Price Arena"!!!!!
Mark's Fascia hang from the rafters!!!!


Big Hearts...weak bodies...Gods plan...Dark afternonns at the Applebees:

---The family is in the Enid fabric. The Prices and former astronaut Owen K. Garriott, who flew aboard Skylab 3 in 1973 and on Spacelab-1 in 1983 and has a major boulevard named in tribute. The building at Enid High School that used to be Convention Hall is now Mark Price Arena, its showcases in the lobby filled with mementos and newspaper clippings of the family. The Denny Price Family YMCA is close.

---The Applebee's restaurant is like the family photo album. Baby pictures under glass. Plaques on the wall. Articles. Photos of the Price Family Singers, as they were known. Garriott does not go ignored, but it's five against one.

Candy, the waitress, notices someone pointing to a picture of the oldest brother and relating a story.

"Do you know Mark Price?" she says.

"I'm Brent."


Just in case the pain in his lower back wasn't enough.

---Maybe he will pursue a career in Christian music, a love ever since he teamed with his brothers and parents for the Price Family Singers as a youngster: barbershop, patriotic tunes and Christian gospel a specialty.

---Getting to the day when he can bend over and tie his shoes without a how-to manual would be nice.

And finally:


We never really did the Halloween thing. We ain't into the Halloween dress-up. That never came up. We went out, but we couldn't afford to dress up. We went as ourselves. That was good enough. We still got candy and stuff.

posted by WizzNutzz | | 5:46 PM

Monday, March 08, 2004  

Awesome photo!

Nothing goes with Bling Bling like Barefeet and homemade TShirts!

Wiz lose crucial games!
Jerry Strawhouse folding it up more than browsing Manute Bol at a Prius dealership!
Maybe Strawman is hoping to oversell his injuries so he will be left unprotected like an unsigned rental agreement in this summers expansion draft and go back home to the Carolinas for a song or stack of drying tobacco.

Incites and anger. U BET!! B.E.T.!!!

Braintrust identitfies draft priority:

"Danny Grunfeld...sophomore guard on Stanford, made a four-point play in the last 30 seconds vs. Washington, helping keep Stanford unbeatan.

He's a 6'6 sophomore who doesn't play all that much, but Daddy must be proud. "

Oh Danny boy, If you'll not fail to tell me that you love me, I'll simply sleep in peace until you come to me!!!


Former BULLET and 100% AUSTRALIAN ADNREW GAZE has still got game, and its crazy as a Coolabah!@!!

Take the Wizznutzz andrew gaze quiz!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:44 PM


Wizards love to play some lottery! Our Savior Kwame, worried about how the Passion is perceived, has hit the rookie wall for the third year in a row. Ponchus Arenas is proving to be an excellent foil to The Very Rev. Kw.Brown, even if Gil makes 10 turnovers for every 30 points. Run the numbers! I've been running numbers at my local bodega for years!!!

Because there are so few bright spots in Wizz life right now---for all of you that is; we always look on positive side (have you seen Mitchell Butler's time-out clap on the bench? very encouraging)---we decided to find a photo of better times, when hope was more than just a four-letter word, when Kwame was still a pliant teenager whose scowl felt like a kiss, when barefoot ladies from the Brown family laid on the floor to celebrate the selection of Our Savior:

Kwame Brown's aunt, Altamese Allen, (left) and cousin Sissy Bell party after his selection by the Washington Wizards in the NBA draft

posted by Ken | | 7:59 AM

Thursday, March 04, 2004  

(Whimpers like G-Wiz after 8 days at the beachhouse!!!)

Have you ever thought what it would be like to challenge Prince to a basketball game?
Jerry Stackhouse whispered that exact sentiment to me yeseterday in the sauna. Jer Jer Stackz thought his female knees could back down The Artist, giving him a purple facial and get an easy two in the paint. (He then mentioned Earl Boykins in the same soft, salacious breath.)

Speaking of haberdashery, Sometimes I dream of slipping on a set of Jahidi used undergarments and post-game Hot Plate Williams gym sox and Kevin Duckworth's marsupial pouch and Gheorge Muersan's sense of sartorial splendor, and just stepping up my game to 40% and giving a partial some of my all, and just dribble it down my legs, and then do a loopdeloop HAM SLAM right over Prince Rodgers' Controversy-era folicle stackup!!! Even Stack could get up over that lil' guy!

Well, purple dreams no more, beautiful ones!! You can see Eddie Murphy's brother Charlie---yes, THAT Charlie----challenge the Purpleyel One to a game of hoops right here!

posted by Ken | | 10:20 PM


CHcolate Chicken Run!!!!

New York Knicks are freefalling cause Isiah Thomas hates the white man and shipped out one too many of them.

Isiah Thomas is the Blackman's Cecil Rhodes and when he secedes from the country Im gonna get me a duplex in the niehgborhood of TriBeTho, aka "Triangle Beneath Thomases Thighs" in relator wayzz-- cuz thats where Isiah is gonna build his own copper and ebony Rhodes Colussus, to greet mariners and traders like a masterful and epic customer greeter at a no-whites-allowed Eddie Bauer during the christmas rush!!!

Speaking of the white devil, did anyone see the Comcast promo last night???
The one for the show that looks into how proud and pliant Don McNabb is, with clips of Rush Lim. , and with Don McNabb talking bout how hes been motivated by racists all his life, then, final ad voice over:
"See the Darker Side of Donovan McNbab"!!!!
Ill accept your apology COMCAST if when you buy DIsney you make black muppets.

Phil Chenier was stoned last night, Im pretty sure aboutn this. At halftime, Buckhantz said somehting about how so and so looks different "withthe naked eye." Then Phil started giggling like a school boy and repeated "Naked Eyes..!!"
Buckhantz got worried like maybe Chenier was gonna go off the track, like Chuck D gets with Flavor Flav when Flav stops lip synching and start waving his arms and heading toward the end of the concert stage and MistaChuck gives the S1Ws a nod to be on alert, if they are not too busy protecting the First World, then maybe they could make sure Flav checks himself, respects himself, and when we enetered the concert and got patted down it was for CAMERAS not Gunzzz cuz we were in Melbourne, Australia, not Melbourne Florida!

It was so tite to see Sister Christian back on the floor with Jared, Jarvis, Etan and lil Stevie Blake.

It was like a Raffi Concert!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:55 PM

Wednesday, March 03, 2004  


Someone tell Abe Pollin that the NBA Board of Governors put us in the SOUTHEAST Division next year, not the BIG EAST!!!!


You can never have too many prototypical 6'5" bigmen!!!
Gosh how do we sniff out such hidden talents? Wizards brain trust leaves no stone unturned, they gather secrets from Giant checkoutlines, urinals at Greveys, WJLA TV!!!

We have the best scouts inside the beltway!


CLick on RADIO RAHEEM to see the newest Dopplegangers!!!

And we may not be done.

Our top secret source "Tom Scocca Throat" reports:
"Front office currently engineering massive four-sided trade involving Guangdong Hongyuan, Maccabi Tel Aviv, and Aras ITU Istanbul to bring Laron Profit, Sarunas Jasikevicius, and Tahj Holden to Wiz . . .
Brendan Haywood's agent seeks assurances of playing time in Turkish Basketball
League before deal can go through..."

Don't be worried Brendan! Small hands are admired ,but not discussed in Turkey. Same with small boys!!!

Speaking of Foreign SCouting, check out these proven talents:

Randell jackson

He was playing in Israel but after 9/11 suspected Al Qaeda would be stepping up there campaign to fly planes into basketball players and now hes back home, in his basement, with his tekken and tinned beans.TRUE!

God Shammgod
Tap into the PASSION frenzy! Hurry up, before Jesus lands in the back of the toy box with yestedays furby! And Jesus wasnt even a Chinese All Star!!

and Finally...

Hes travelled a long, unceratyin road since he left us. And hes travelled the road in a CHEESEBOOT! I bet that cheese could tell some stories!
Look at his awesome official photo... either he's blowing out birthday candles or hes tired of these foreign stuff with the wider key!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:11 PM

Tuesday, March 02, 2004  

Checkady-choco, the chocolate chicken!!!!

Gilbert ARenas is the chocolate chicken, the real cock diesel!

Says Gilbert: "I HAVE THE CONCH Kwame!!!"

Gilberts stuffing his magic bag with touches!
Thats was a great game, with Chick Hernandez calling the team "resilient" even though we came back after blowing a 20 pt lead and even though you can only see the tippity top of Chick's head when he interviews 6'3" gilbert, like a shiny new Cremaster project!

Steve Blakes numbers belie his great development at the point, just like his mom belies under his bed on a mechanics dolly sos Steve can make his babies when he cant sleep!!
For real Stevie Blake is learning how to make space for himself, with crossovers, and off the dribble spins.

Not like Juan Dixon who Tom Knott artfully describes as dribbling the ball in place like hes "beating a rug"!!!!
See the power of a single metaphor uncle tom!?
SOmetimes less is more, but not in the case of Juan Dixon!!!

Raise your hands who dropped their pom noisettes when steve blake made that double 360 bounce pass??!!
And when he bent his ankle 200 degrees and stayed in the game??
CHenier commented on how young supple bodies behave (its not the first time) but the real reason stevies ankle didnt snap like a country twig is cause of his vitamin C deficiency he has lots of loose space in his joints and bendy bones. True Medical terms!!!! Steve Stricker checked it himself.

Why Jared Jeffries, WHY?? thats what I yell at my TV.
And I know the Hornets were playing 11 guards in the 3rd, but why did we leave Etan and Jared in for so long? We needed a big man who can score and Kwame Kwame Kwame, clutch 4th quarter blueblocker then muscle in for layup.

Wizznutzz #1 scapegoat, Steve stricker, NO ONE RESPECTS you.
Your not even a real doctor is one reason why.
Gilbert decides hes ready to play a month too soon then gets rehurt cuz of youthful verve and tender loins?????!!!
Jerry calls it a season without even being examined????
Sneaks into lineup too soon cause of his over large heart and pride???

Like we say STEVE:

Give them fruits, stretch them out like the fullest twilight, and above all ask them to sit down and listen to their bodies.

The man puts the cart before the horse while the child would outpace his own dreams but for his flesh!

Devestated Brevin Knight waived because he has LUPUS? Seek a second opinion Brevin!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 8:25 PM

Monday, March 01, 2004  

Wizards release G Brevin Knight!!!

Goodbye, Brevin, we shall miss your elvish ways! We hardly knew ye or ye furniture store, but congratulations on all the Oscars for Lord of the Rings!!!

Japanese fans say so long to Brevin!

Frodo Knight and Hidi!!!

Second generation lineup of KISS says goodbye to free furniture!!!

posted by Ken | | 11:39 PM


Chris Webber leaves trail of death and deception and bacon scent wherever he goes!!!!

First University of Michigan is fleeced of wins simply because CWebb and Fab Five took money to buy good in poor section of town that is known as "Ann Arbor student ghetto," where the SUV's are at least 2 years old. Big deal, right? I mean, who didn't take a little gas money for the white Ford Bronco back in the day?

Now this web of lied deceits and deathful bacon bits is found as CWEbb's highly poor inner city high school, Detroit Country Day:
Webber not eligible in high school, school asked to forgo titles

CWebbofdeceit only took a little money to keep Kid & Play fade nice and tight and for gas money to drive Jaguar to Detroit Country Day high school. A private school for rich kids, yes, but it still has DETROIT in it's title!!!

Holy 8 game suspension!!!!

posted by Ken | | 10:59 AM

Friday, February 27, 2004  


Im swollen with Incites about the Passion Play. The clowns have become the ringmasters!
Its a familiar and darek place. Late in the season, the team imploding, scandal and loss, and is running a feature about Brevin Knight's brother!

Players are bristling like GWiz in a dry summer haystack.
Lines are being drawn and they are being drawn on the back seat of the carpool station wagon.

If nothing else, the Washington Wizards figured the subtraction of Michael Jordan would drain the poison out of their tumultuous locker room.

The poison of Salieri is powerful and burns inside like a morgul blade.

And now Who is in Charge?? CHarles or Buddy? Why didnt Willie Ames get a call back for the "Passion of Christ"? If anybody needed comic relief its JC in the home stretch!

The clowns have become the ringmasters! And this circus tents falling, faster and faster, and the first ones to get hit, are the ones in the cheap seats!

As weve said before, Its power vacuums like this that lead to the unthinkable, like Nazis and signing Rod Strickland!

There is also such thing as the talent vaccuum and see what it does to young spring minds!!!!

Comcast is selling its broadcasts with the line "come see Juan Dixon and the Wizards."

Its a talent vaccumm that cost the bullets 20 years of their lives. Each year a man named Tracy Tim Jim Rex would step into the old world like a canadian missionary off a boat and into camp of hungry Pygmies and suddenly be scoring 50 points in one game and the management firm of Unseld, Nash, Drummond and Unseld Jr. would pony up fattened contracts to secure their latest cornerstone talent. Post show callers like Dana calling up scott jackson and Michael Adams insisting that more minutes for Randell Jackson is all that stands in the way of the playoffs.

Now, Gilbert and Kwame have real talent.

But its easy to wake up one morning in a Wizards uniform with a german SUPEREGO scratching the bedposts waiting for its bowl to be filled.

Remember the year that Michael Westbrook appointed himself the clubhouse leader of the Redskins. Thats THE VOID! Tread gently leaders of tomorrow!!!


To me, it seems like guys are just going out to get numbers. We're not passing. If you look at the little bit of wins that we do have, we have 20-plus assists. In games that we don't care and all, we have one guy with OK numbers, but he's shooting. We've got guys whining and complaining about offense, but that's not basketball. It makes me sick.

If you ain't converting, you ain't converting, you know. Last time I checked I passed him the ball like six or seven times; he passed it to somebody else right under the basket. I don't know where he's coming from right there. I mean, I guess he didn't have 20 tonight. I don't know.

Coach changed the whole offense up for certain people," Brown said. "We changed it because certain guys were complaining. I think we need to stop complaining and play ball. What I said I said for the whole team, not just one guy.

Maybe he sees all those guys who came out of high school and turned into studs, and he's a little bit frustrated over that because he feels he needs to be there," Arenas said. "And we want him to get there. I'm going to try my best to get him there.

Even after the Wizards WIN!!!:

We're going to keep going this way until somebody complains about something else ...
As long is everybody is happy. I never look at a stat sheet. I don't know what my stats were tonight. I never do...
If we had lost it would have been my fault. Congratulations to everybody else.

He was very obedient. He ran the plays the coach called


WHATS GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!

This is no doubt about it abouse. Verbal abuse!

Verbal ABuse is a very seriouis condition. If you've heard, "You're Too Sensitive," like Kwame and Gilbert have , you've heard verbal abuse.
Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.
"Verbal Abuse is insidious.Verbal Abuse is endemic. Verbal Abuse impacts millions of people.Verbal Abuse and its denial are crazy-making!!!!!"
Sticks and stones may break our bones just as wordsdo also

Kwame take the verbal abuser test
Gilbert Take the verbal abuser test

Maybe you are not so smart but both acting dumb. Dumb when it comes to emotionzzz!!


Not all touches are the same. Mr Drummond never touched Arnold and Willis the same way he touched Kimberley.
There are "Good Touches" and "Bad Touches".
The wizards know bad touches so well they are actually fighting for them,
like little Stockholm-syndromers at a Jeffrey Jones Boys Camp!

Its time for healing and what heals all wounds????

1. Going on team field trips like deep-sea fishing or colonial williamsburg
2. Communication and body contact
3. Sharing stories about your childhood.
4. Small gifts and keepsakes.
5. Remaining thankful for what you already have in life
6. Exploring eachothers bodies.
7. Cortisone and Bacon.
8. Christian Laettner's EMO LPs.
9. Being so secure in your heterosexuality, that you can literally ride anoither man around the house, down on all fours, like a big naked horse.

There are resources outside oursleves for self healing too.





ALDERMAN GEORGE UNSELD is who, for he is the Doctor Phil of Washington Sports and Entertainment

Alderman Unseld gives this healing advice:

"Sons, you've taken a padded seat in a dangerous place called the comfort zone. That means you are not yet ready to change -- in fact you are far from it. You convince yourself that "My wife likes me this way. " or "I think fat is beautiful" but by taking a seat in the comfort zone, you remove yourself from the fear of reaching and possibly failing.

It's like that old saying, "God don't make no junk."

But what really heals, is WINNING!!!!

Now gilbert and kwame are teasing eacother playfully in the showers on the heels of a combined quintuple double!

They are Like George and Martha from WHOS AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF
The two of them clearly care deeply for each other, but events have turned their marriage into a nasty battle between two disenchanted, cynical enemies.
As they tear eachother open on the stage, they have been acutallyt acting out the dualisms that we all face and fear in our lives: repression and the wearing of masks, the inability to communicate, psychological violence, and the fear of castration and childbirth. But now its like George and Martha just went upstairs and finally just had a good sweaty romp in the bed and lwet out all there pent up resentment and now the world seems like quite the place.

Gilbert eats a Jam sandwich with his shirt off and yells "I aint Afraid of No Naomi WOlf!" , and Kwame chuckles over his hot Milo and shoots back softly "Shiit. keep it going, keep it going"


What the hey!!!!! Whats Gwiz doing at a San Francsisco Gay Wedding Rally?????

What Could this mean?????????!!!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 2:53 PM

Thursday, February 26, 2004  


Ive been on the road with our distributor trying to get high quality Darvins Frosted Mini Hams into a mom and pop deli near you!

Tomorrow Ill have MAJOR incites into the raw and specious emotion that threatens to take the rubble of the last 20 years and look amongst it and find the biggest pieces of rubble and tip them over!
The Little Engine That Counted His Touches! Dr Phil! Scorekeepers and Passive Warmongers! Gay Marriage!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:53 PM

Tuesday, February 24, 2004  

Who dried up my Sharpie, my team?

posted by Ken | | 7:21 AM

Monday, February 23, 2004  

Speciallly WizzNutzz exlcusive INCITES from our faveorite proffersor:

The very honoroable
Prof. Irven "Magic" DeVore

I watched yesterday's performance from excellent rafter seats, as if I were Elvin Hayes' number or the Mystics' Attendance Championship banners. Somewhere in the third quarter, I started to form suspicions, which became a hypothesis, which became a theory. I'm speaking here as a trained Biological Anthropologist: Gilbert Arenas appears to possess an auxiliary brain in his hindquarters, like the stegosaurus.

This enlarged ganglion gives Arenas his preternatural quickness. Unfortunately, it also tends to rebel against the commands from upstairs. This would explain why sometimes when he commences his drive to the basket, his feet cut left and his torso cuts right. It is why, when he dribbles on the fast break, he sometimes tries to put the ball on the floor only to find his kneecap in the way. The Wizards are plagued by Internal Strife in the most true and horrifying way: Arenas lives in a perpetual state of rage and trepidation, never knowing when his legs will strike out on their own. He lashes out at Kwame Brown with displaced wrath meant for his insubordinate Stegosaurus Brain. This is real science.

(And this is numerology: is it an accident that Jarvis Hayes wears 2-4, the reverse of StackHUOSE's 4-2, and that likewise when Hays shoots the patented Stackhouse Paint Chipper (TM) off-balance 10-footer from the baseline, it actually goes into the basket, in direct contradiction of the Stackhouse style?)

Oh, Jesus Kwame! Where's Kamall when you need him!?!? My mind = blown!!! NUMEROLOGY AND TWINS EFFS ME UP!

posted by Ken | | 11:40 AM


Holy finger in the arse!
Is this the defensive move that Coach Sharpie Jordan needs to start teaching the young Wizzards in order for them to not give up the lane like a $2 call girl?

Controversial Wests Tigers winger John Hopoate has been suspended for 12 weeks after being found guilty by the NRL Judiciary of poking his fingers up the anuses of three North Queensland players.

In the end the NRL Judiciary had little trouble differentiating between a "wedgie", a "finger up the arse" and the area between the "arse and the nuts" before finding Hopoate guilty.

Asked to describe what a wedgie felt like, the Tigers winger replied: "You get a burning sensation. Your undies are getting reefed up your arse."

Oh to be the reporter who asked the question "What did it feel like?" OUR PROFESSION IS ALWAYS SEARCHING AND EXPERIMENTING!!!

posted by Ken | | 7:43 AM

Sunday, February 22, 2004  

Here is WizzNutszz Investigative I & I Team exlcusveive scoop!!

We alsways suspect that the Wash media and especially Wash Post is full of homers giving hummers to Washington sports teams. George Choppers Michael, and Michael Wilbone and Tonyd Kornheiser and Mark Maske are so far up Dan Snyers fannny cavity that they work as excavating team for Dannys clenched bum (too many losses!!!). That means always love for Skins despite dreadful team with race logo. In fact Chad Norman Chad would always have his slams of The Danny cut from his Couch Potato NFL Picks column---only in the Post!!! Can tyou believe it? Us nutzz neither. Which is why we know that Wash Post edit of AP feed of Wizz latest blowout loss, this time to Milwaukkee, features NO GIL vs. KWAMES quotes. In the Yahoo story, Gil attacks Our Savior after Our Savior says The Truth: We don't pass ball enough, guys going for stats. Yeah, Gil, and you are the shooting point guard, right next to the female knees shooting Guard Jerryald Stacvkhome. But instead of realizeding Our Saviour only speaks in truths and riddles, Gil shoots back with angry words.

Let's us break it all down. Here's Post's AP post of story----cut and paste for your evidenceal study because you known the Wyche masterpiece is going up any second acting like he and pOSt all broke the story:

Michael Redd scored 25 points, and the Milwaukee Bucks blew the game open in the third quarter and snapped a seven-game road losing streak with a 113-85 victory over the Washington Wizards on Sunday.

Keith Van Horn, playing his second game since the three-way trade that brought him from New York, came off the bench to score 13 points to help the Bucks win their first road game since Jan. 5.

The Wizards, meanwhile, continue to plummet. They lost their fifth straight, and four of the losses have been by at least 22 points. The 28-point margin of defeat was their biggest of the season. Jerry Stackhouse was ejected in the third quarter after he threw the ball to vent frustration over a foul call, and coach Eddie Jordan was fined $7,500 before the game for a postgame spat with an official following a loss to Indiana on Friday night.

Gilbert Arenas scored 21 points to lead the Wizards, who shot just 38 percent and were outrebounded 47-38 -- even though they were playing a team that had to travel after a tough loss to the Clippers the night before.

The story of the game was the third quarter, which the Bucks opened with a 13-2 run and closed with a 12-2 run. Washington offered little defensive resistance as Redd roamed the court freely for 12 third-quarter points, while Desmond Mason added 10. The Wizards missed 15 of their 22 shots in the period.

Stackhouse was gone with 5:13 left in the quarter. Upset over being called for a foul for reaching around Mason, Stackhouse flung the ball the length of the court -- and beyond -- and was immediately tossed by official Derek Richardson.

Brian Skinner added 12 points and 12 rebounds, and Joe Smith had 12 points and 10 rebounds for the Bucks.

Van Horn started slowly, just as he did Saturday night against the Clippers. His first two jumpers were bricks, and a miscommunication on a pass from Damon Jones led to a turnover late in the first quarter.

But Van Horn scored nine straight Bucks points in the second quarter, including a dunk off a missed layup on a fast break and a baseline 3-pointer. Another big man off the bench, Dan Gadzuric, then took over late in the half with three authoritative dunks as Milwaukee took a 56-48 halftime lead.

Notes: Jordan would not comment on his fine before the game. His transgression came when berated official Leon Wood in the middle of the court after the final whistle in the loss to the Pacers. ... Kwame Brown got his 1,000th career rebound, and Arenas scored his 2,500th career point for the Wizards.

OK now that is documentted in Google cache for all time, click over to see the FULL and REAL AP story via our Good Friends over at the Yahoo or just stay tuned here for fighting words that were expunged:

``To me, it just seems like guys are going out just to get numbers,'' said Brown, who scored six points on 2-for-4 shooting. ``They're not passing. If you look at the little bit of wins that we do have, we have 20-plus assists. Games that we're getting killed on, we have one guy with OK numbers, but he's just shooting. We don't pass the ball. We don't play like a team. We've just guys just whining and complaining about offense, and that's not basketball. It makes me sick.''

Brown didn't name names, but point guard Arenas felt the arrows in his back and responded with his own not-so-subtle critique of Brown.

``Everybody's getting the same amount of touches: If you ain't converting, you ain't converting,'' said Arenas, who scored 21 points on 7-for-21 shooting with six assists and six turnovers. ``Last time I checked, I pass him the ball, like, six, seven times, he passes to somebody else, right under the basket.

``I don't know where he's coming from with that. I guess he didn't have 20 (points) tonight. I don't know.''

WHOA! Them's fighting words! Gil, go wash Kwames's feet NOW, or kiss you soul goodbye!!

Because look at this info from Wizz Insider Wyche colmun:

Third-year forward Kwame Brown's criticism of his team's fractured offense in Friday's loss to Indiana struck a positive note with Jordan, who has been waiting for players to hold teammates more accountable.

"It's finally getting through, we think," Jordan said. "It's good to hear your players say that. We talk about organization on offense and it's very crucial whether it's first quarter or last four minutes or the last two."

Brown, who scored 17 points (6-of-11 shooting) in a career-high 45 minutes, was bothered by teammates breaking off plays and not working the ball into the lane.

"Guys take it upon themselves to shoot," Brown said after practice Saturday. "There's nothing a coach can do about that. The team is talking about doing things right instead of random play. I think we had a lot of random play [Friday] night."

Said Jordan: "You look at Kwame's numbers and he's shooting 48 percent from the field. He's improving almost day by day. We have to emphasize the point that we have to get the ball in to him."

The Coach and his Sharpie know exactly wwhere is bread and soul are buttered, indeed!

Boy oh boy, we must say, Wizz are on a skid longer than the stripe in Yurgi's burlap underwear. Look at htis rundown oof last five games:

Wed, Feb 11 at Philadelphia L 88-113
Tue, Feb 17 at Houston L 81-107
Wed, Feb 18 at New Orleans L 98-120
Fri, Feb 20 Indiana L 87-96
Sun, Feb 22 Milwaukee L 85-113

That's more blowouts than an Antonioni film fest!

Here's a nuggestz:

Rookie Jarvis Hayes shaved his head Thursday after weeks of letting it grow into an old-school natural. A week ago, Hayes said that he didn't plan on cutting his hair until the end of the season.

"People were saying that I looked too much like my brother," Hayes said, referring to his twin brother Jonas, a forward at the University of Georgia. . . .

Shaved dome or not, He looks like you because he's your TWIN BROTHER, Jar Jar Binks Au Natural Hayes!!!

But one another postive things came out of this week's series of losses and team fracturing games:


And weekend highlight for me, the Ken of Beatrice, had career high from Kamall!!
As Jimmy Cliff once sang: "I can see clearly now, Kamall is here." Thanks for the sensi clairvoyance, Kamzi!!!

posted by Ken | | 10:26 PM

Friday, February 20, 2004  

Wizzards stand on pat with trades!!! Mr. Lukewarm himselves, the highly machosenuous C Laet, still makes post-dealine home in D.C. riding pine! And Kamall still has his best customer!!! Welcome home, , again, Lukewarm Claet! GRow that hair and Sensi up!!!

posted by Ken | | 9:23 AM

Thursday, February 19, 2004  

The Danger of Hoarding!!!!

"Where most people see an empty roll of toilet paper, they see art supplies."

So tru! I've got stacks and stacks of used Kwame Brown shorts in my room. I'm sewn them into a quilt which I rub on my face when I get nervous that Kamall has gotten lost and wont return with the Sensi. Bacon and youth basketball fragrances calm me and cloak of silk soothes soul. I used to rub big Wes Unseld vintage jerseys on my belly for peace of mind but then I found out it was ALDERMAN UNSELD not WES UNSELD who wore the jerseys!!! That explains giant I LOVE KANSAS BASKETBALL patch covering supposed Bullets logo!!

"They have rambling or overinclusive speech, where you ask them a question and they tell you a whole story with every possible detail before they get to the answer," says Sanjaya Saxena, a professor at UCLA's School of Medicine.

I want to hoard Sanjaya Saxena! Who doesn't!!!

posted by Ken | | 10:22 AM


HEY KAmALL!! Put down Sensi, break out Sharpie, ANd write on corrugated cardboard MANTRA from Steve Wyche artylcle!!
"Players cite chemistry flaws, youth, turnovers, poor defense and the failure to establish an offensive flow as reasons for the rapid downward spiral."

Abe Pollin distributes internal VISORS with Wyche Slogan! Ted Leonsis prints it on personal thongs and manages STILL to FITS entire quote!


posted by Ken | | 12:45 AM

Wednesday, February 18, 2004  

Man WIzards got murdered last night!!!!! Something is rotton in the state of DC, and DC isnt even a state!
Thats a rough box score guys. Not sure who fared worse:
-Juanita Jordan Dixon: 0 Assists, 0 Steals, 6 turnovers.
-Jerry Stackhouse: 7 Points, 1 Board, 2 Assists, 4 TOs
-Kwame: 1 FG in 30 minutes

Tonight, more murder on the menu!
Jerrys justv gonna need some time to get used to having the knee of a full grown man again As a 6'7, 30 year old slasher, I'd say he'll need 6 weeks, and without a consistent bigman down there, 2 scorers just aint gonna do it.
Trading deadline approaches: everyones fighting over Sheed. Brevin and CLate could possibly be leaving us. But unlikely. Es[pecially thanks to Salieri's maguic contract for Christian Laettner: an overripe and sluggish white forward, overpaid, but overpaid with a salary accelerator to make sure the back door stays shut.

Gary Paulson says Kwame Has Officially Arrived!!! Someone tell kwame!!!

Former Bullets ALLSTART, yes allstar, Michael Adams is coaching he LadyWizz!!!
In radio interviews around the dial yesterday, Michael said the phrase "basketball is basketball" until his voice was dry and raspy and my Bike(tm) coache's shorts didnt fit anymore.

Oh and dont think we forgot about Manute Bol and his troubles. Its just too painful ruight now.
But we'll have hilarious thuings too say when we get over it!!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:26 PM

Tuesday, February 17, 2004  

"After All-Star" is Upon Us!!!!

Basketball experts suggest Wizards will have a hard time in the next few games because they dont match up with good teams very well.

So we made it through Black Thanksgiving with a 100% casualty rate. Jarvis has to go back to his fully functioning Beef and Sheep farm and conditon his ankles in the muddy paddocks like a South Cardiff Rocky Balboa!!!

Meanwhile the rest of the team did what every young group of inner city millionaires would do... they went deep sea fishing!!!

How great is that!
CHristian LAettner does it every year, and I guess all the other young guys are just tagging along like little brothers, cramping his stlye, scaring the fish!
I would so love to see Kwame in his neoprene waders and zinc cream, holding his high tension pole off the side of the boat, listening to Jimmy Buffett, setting up his rig, getting his MUSKIE INNOVATIONS SHALLOW INVADERS all mixed up in Cold MountainsCREME SCOUNDRELS while Jared Jeffries clambers around the deck after a slippery fish like Gollum in the Forbidden Pool!

All the while Brevin Baggins spent the weekend curled up in his special bed at the Bellini Furnbiture store that he runs with his wife. Goodnight quiet old lady whispering hush! Goodnight Moon!

At the CHico Debarge AllStart Party this weekend, Wizznutzz friend travis morrison leaned over to me while I finished a plate of Atkins Approved pom niosettes and declared:

That Philly game insulted me. I may not watch for a while. Gilbert
Arenas gets this look on his face like he is trying to remember what sport he
is playing, and Kwame and Brendan left their opposable thumbs in DC. I
couldn't believe it. They'd been catching the ball for weeks.

At which point he hastily made his way out of the Applebees and into the heavy dusk.

The FInal Results are in for the

But What about "The Kid with the Broken Halo"??? That scene where Rudy Desautel is wide open in the end zone and is jumping up and down waving his arms for the ball??? I felt like I was in the game!

Chech out therese awesome Gheorge Muresan links:

-A top notch fan site!

-Scroll Down for Gidza in a One Piece!!!!

-Assistant professotr Muresan??

And finally,

everybody go a read about being a DC SPortsfan from our ace reporter friend Sports Central Columnist Pete Sweigard. He quotes us! We R Flattered by your Turgid prose big Pete!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 7:15 PM

Wednesday, February 11, 2004  

WE LOVE TK STACK TROUSERS, aka The Man WHo Would Be Larry King, for his fun-with-names journalism ("They'd have gotten more mileage out of Downtown Julie Brown. ") and for his Throwback wrestling Togs but mostly for occasionally using his talents to write pearls like this that move us to tears:

The thing about Kwame is, as long as he's here we're always going to be blinded by him being the No. 1 overall pick. It was the luckiest of moments. After all those No. 5 and No. 6 picks, to finally hit the lottery and go to the top. And it was Michael Jordan doing the picking. This was back when everyone here was still in love with Jordan -- even Abe. Kwame Brown represented hope. And in a sense we will always associate him with that hope, and we'll wait longer for him and root harder for him than perhaps we should. Because in that moment it seemed so clear the corner had been turned. Nobody wants to think it's a cul de sac we live on, and there is no corner.

Meantime, Kwame was runner-up for Player of the Week, losing only to KMart aka Old Yella and to Marbury aka "Starbury" aka "The Right Steph" whose recent play as a Knick has returned joy to the stale lives of New York Post headline writers.

OK, awesome Baltimore SUn expose By Mike Klingaman on jouneyman and former Bullet Bob McCann.
McCann has wound up as a retirement center cafeteria cook but Klingaman manages to make it seem like a success strory, even though a seniors idea of 4-star dining depends on how man minutes the turkey burger got in the microwave.

But Klingaman is THE BEST with sports double meanings, in fact he OUTPUNTS HIS COVERAGE in this piece:

-Bob McCann, basketball journeyman, is cookin'.
-His game still cooks
-Bob McCann dishess off to seniors now as cook
-When McCann moves to the basket, it is to deep-fry a batch of shrimp.
-When the former center feeds his wings, folks lick their chicken-lovin' fingers.
-And if McCann starts making turnovers, well, just grab a dessert plate and get in line.

But the most controversial part comes later:
"I call him 'The Very Large One,'" resident Ruth White said of McCann, who is 6 feet 7 and 300 pounds. "His hands absolutely fascinate me. I asked, 'What are you doing behind that counter?"

You don't get big exotic black men who threaten yet stir you deep inside at the Hot Shoppes, do you Ruth White?? -- or should I call you Lilly WHITE.

I guess we cant live forever but it would be nice to believne we can outlive our predjudices.

posted by WizzNutzz | | 4:13 PM


Oh christa mighty kwame browny!! I'm Ken beatrice with internet access and a pocketful of weed from Kamall the Konquerer our new intern and dealer to the stars/spelling bee champs!!!!!! See i ran out of mental balancing herbal medicine from Chiapias Mexico region of Zapatistas and I found myself more and more desperate, living under stacks of old Washington Star newspapers sports pages in the library of congress morgue!!! but Kamall came in on his magic carpet and rolled a big fattyboombalatti and floated my stats-riddled mind right out of there and into Wizznutzz Chevy Chase offices. It's so good to be back, if not on my feet then in Mothering Hut twice a day, with Kamall looking after all my needs EVEN IF I don't need. But I tell you this: My Glaucoma IS GONE!!!

Mr. Quitter himself, the former Tony Kornheiser of radio fame, who used to be a writer a long time a go and gave it up to be George Konstanza, is in the sports pages today, making Catskills jokes and praiseing Our Dear Leader Lord Kwame Brown!!! Truth is I would read all of it but i'm too familiar with Tony's schtick---italics from fake reader/editor are so passa passa!!!---, having worked with him in radio for many years, and I was finishing his Henny Youngmanisms even before Tony could scream "WILBOnE!!" Tony coasts more than Tony Hawk on a San Francisco downhill, but it's good to see he's finally coming around to Our Savior.

L Boogie breaks hand slamming it against D Miles head in anger over hot Murphy Lee tune "What da Hook Gon Be!!!" giving St,. Louis shoutouts to Darius first, before Cold Mountain!!! Understandable anger, Boogie! Murphy Lee is punk! Don't get tattoo on broken wrist unless tat is of cast, which would be postmodernical!

posted by Ken | | 9:36 AM

Tuesday, February 10, 2004  



la main douce de la montagne froide a ete piquee par l'obscurite
amere du landover

LBoogie out 4-6 weeks. DAMN YOU CURSE of LES BOULEZ!!!!

Even though the Coy Mister is good for 3 or more wins all by himself, we stand by our prediction.
Its time for Juan Dixon to have good long look in the mirror, think he can see green germs crawling everywhere, give himself an antiseptic full body scrub, then have another long look in the mirror.

BIG game tomorrow as wiz take their destiny on the road to fast falling Phili and their interim coach and their Big Bad Voodo Daddy Samual DeLambert.

Remember when Voodoo went black magic on Gilbert Arenas???!!!!
And Gilbert wanted STreet Justice???

Now that the White Hand of Sauruman has been defeated maybe Voodoo can just be Samuel again and we can all get along, especially if by getting along you mean Kwame Brown scoring 30 points and dedicating his Player of the Week award to "The Hobbits"

The Wizards Will March On Because of Kwame Brown whose truly developed into a Manimal-CHild.

We may have to rethink the whole Salieri Mozart analogy! Maybe it could go like this:

Michael Jordan went and got his man in the draft, and tried his green-eyed best to ruin his protege but instead of Mozart dying in poverty from the poisons of Salieri, he hides the pills under his pillow like james Caan in "Misery" from the dirty bird in the black mask, and gets his strength back and challenegs Salieri to a duel, defeating him but sparing his life out of mercy and Salieri is exiled forever. Meanhwile Mozart reworks his depressing poison-fueled unfinished Requiem into a more upbeat "The Ride of The Kwames", a dizzying, spastic masterstroke that is so successful that he can retire forever from powdered wigs and quills.
He divorces his commoner wife Konstanze and takes up with the Austiran King Joe's daughter Maria Theresa who doesnt die at age 8 from smallpox. Mozart and Maria move South to warmer weather, and Mozart becomes a popular Mayor of the local town while Maria heads up celebrity charity auctions and does occasional stints for Extra, and eventually Mozart feels overadored and takes an early retirement and puts his small hands back to work, this time as a tanned golf course architect. Maria and him move into a massive neo-italiantae townhouse overlooking the 9th hole, and MTV Cribs does a special on him and the house, and he has pianos in every room, including the bedroom, where he tells the camera "this is where the real action takes place", and the audience isn't quite sure if he means the piano or the king sized bed until he turns on the way out to give us a cunning wink!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:10 PM

Monday, February 09, 2004  


The Wizznutzz TM officially announced today that the Wizards WILL make the playoffs THIS year.

We are the first credible media outlet of note to make this claim.
Certainly Michael Wilbon isnt making it because he is busy baking Pies at home for his ALL STAR Weekend BLACK THANKSGIVING party
Even Gilbert Arenas isnt saying it.

Everybodys scoring 20 a night from now on. Even you Brevin Baggins! Alley oops, steals! This is SEA DOG Basketball!!!!
Double penetration increases production for the Bigs! Thats basketball talk!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:14 PM

Saturday, February 07, 2004  

Larry L Boogie Cold Mountain Hughes gets mega St. Louis shoutout in new Murphy Lee song! Outrage ensues because L Boogie's name follows "D Miles" and Cold Mountain gets tattoo on forrehead to protest, but otherwise gives props on court to Nellie crew on court by whoopin up on the Clippers!!!

What Da Hook Gon Be Rating: by 166 users

[Intro: Murphy Lee]
Hahaha, yo, yo, yo, yo
You never met a nigga like me
Yo yo, have you ever seen a little dude
Who be doing what I do?
Uh huh, yo whoo!
Let's get at it dog, whoo!

[Verse: Murphy Lee]
Now what goes up, must come down (shiiett)
But we ain't coming down, it be them same ole' clowns
Aiming your pound pretending they proud
But when you leave town they go around they running they mouth (maaann)
They something like a hater man
Talking bad about a playa as if I'm not gon see ya later man
You constantly frontin until you confronted on
If you don't like whats going on gwoin to another song
Cause I keep a hater guilty
My cars and my money all alike man, both them filthy (get it?)
From skimpy and empty to fuel on full
See I be high when my car go Bulls
Obey no rules to school you fools
Schoolboy's err'y where, we're Young Dude news (maann)
St. Louis like Louis D. Miles and Larry Hughes
And the Young Dude done paid young dudes' dues dude

[Chorus - repeat 2x]
[JD:] But yo, what da hook gon' be (Uh oh!)
[ML:] See I don't need no fucking hook on this beat (Shiieet)
All I need, is the track in the background
My headphones loud, keep the blunt goin 'round and I'ma rip

[Verse: Murphy Lee]
The sun'll come out.. tomorrow
And I will never have to borrow
Got my first car when I turned sixteen
Only drove it home outta town limosines
Plus we was broke wit a deal but nobody could tell
So we did what we had to do for "Country Grammar" to sell
Haha, I stay on my own melodies
Plus I like my Booties and my Boobs like a capital letter 'B'
That's how it is, how it better be
I preferably rather have two or three girls in the bed wit me
Close your errs [ears] ma you ain't heard nothin (whaa?)
I always pay ma let a brother hold somethin
I'm basically coming from nothing to something
When I say nothing meaning pocket full of lint and buttons
(We all we got!) Used to be creative on Halloween (how you gon?)
Stop a hotter teen went from nada to a lot of things


[Verse: Murphy Lee]
People always saying man it must be nice
No hi no nothing not a simple house life
Understand the money's good but I'm still from the hood
So don't be asking for no "inch" be expecting the "foot"
Unless you want a foot (whoo!)
I know a few crooks that can place you where you need to be put
And it might not cost me playa
Got a Benz pepper interior, paint salty playa
And we all push it, but me I push it real good
Brains blown out, chromed out, wheel real wood
Catch me on your local derrty
Or in the studio doing vocals derrty
I'm the same dude that came through wit my crew
Let the girls do me while you do you
And um, all I need is JD beat to be banging
And I'll come up wit these verses that I'm usually slanging
I be ripping man

[Chorus - to end]

posted by Yurgi | | 4:09 AM

Friday, February 06, 2004  


posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:33 PM



CLick on the photo for more!

Man whats cooler thatn RayBans!??? They are like magic instant cool!.
Dogs look cool in them, old celebrities look cool in them!


And his younger brother David plays for the Storm


-Full name: David Ranier Webber
-Nickname: DWebb --- HOW GREAT IS THAT!!!
-Major: English
-Minor: Physical education
-Sports hero: Serena Williams
-Non-sports hero: Dad

-TV show: Cosby Show
-Book: Biography of Frederick Douglas
-Web site:

-The teammate I would call as a lifeline on Millionaire: Whitney Robinson
-My most prized possession: Chain HOW GREAT IS THAT!!!
-My dream vacation: Hawaii
-My advice to youngsters is: Obey your parents
-My autobiography would be titled: Dweezie
-The most impressive person I've met: Michael Jordan -- DOnt GIVE YOUR SOUL TO SALLY FOR A NEW SHINY CHAIN!!!
-My ultimate 3-on-3 teammates: CWebb and Michael Jordan

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:12 PM

Thursday, February 05, 2004  


GWiz laughs and it's raining all day
He loves to be one of the girls
He lives in the place in the sideline of our lives
Where nothing is ever much straight
He turns himself round and he smiles and he says
'This is it, that's the end of the joke'
And loses himself in his dreaming and sleep
And lovers reach under his flame retardant coat

He's pretty in pink
Isn't he
Pretty in pink
Isn't he

StackHUOSE and Gilbert Together at last!

Like Batman and Robin, like Starsky and Hutch, like Crocket and TRubbs....

Gilbert has crazy bounce. He was throwing those crazy allyoops!
Learn the secrets from Gilbert himself!

While Jerry ambles around like old Air Brimley himself, Michael Jordan, turning over the ball with his feet flat on the ground, then chastising his young, KBrown and Brendan, like Spike Lee scolding Janet jackson like he's old man huxtable, the overbearing patriarch exiling Lisa Bonet for eschewing cosby sweater values and grandfathers from fictional black colleges who arent afraid of their decay.
HYPOSCRICY is the greatest luxury!!!

Thats cool, Stacks tight, we love stack, he just needs more time to be the best he can be. And after all, veterans that come to Washington arent usually die-trying competitors, else theyd be taking midlevel exceptions to play for rings, but they come here to enjoy their golden years with their charities and houses and their single mascot relationships. Only ones come here for midlevel exceptions are ones with secret medical histories.

Larry Hughes benefiting most definitely from the new arrangement though!

Inc ase you missed it

If Dana were here she would ask: "Do poets need fluffers??? If so CALL ME!!!"

Etan is so urban! SO modern! Hes a poet like he is a playa, bruising, earnest, singleminded and without flair. And with elbow pads!

When i hear his verse, I die a miniature death!!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:54 PM

Wednesday, February 04, 2004  

With second Day return of Jerry StackHUOSE and Suddenly return of Gils Aerolas, wizz lose!! And yes, StackHUOSE is how it was spelled by iron-on attendant in clubhouse----not just QWERTY problem in Wizznutzz offices!!! Yes, true, Stack had false name on his back Abe Pollin notices right away and rubs hands, whispers, "Carry on, Diff Strokes. Your female knee is transposed as well."

Thing is Wizznutszz site LOOVES spelling. In fact, Jarrko and me and Darvin went to Jamaica recently for spelling bee to waTCH NAtional Spealling Bee!! Cornel Grey won with word "A-G-N-O-S-I-A". WHOA! Can we get a definition PLEASE!!!!

Outside the Spelling bee We met Kamall the Konquerer, who was selling ganja to the recently disposed spelling beers, and we decided he was PERFECT new Wizznutzz intern!!! See below!!! Welcome Kamall! Share the joy!!

posted by Yurgi | | 11:38 PM

Tuesday, February 03, 2004  

13 Year Old Girl Surfs COmpetitively Weeks AFter ARms is Ripped from the Socket By Maneater!

Jerry Stackhouse Returns to the Court One Hundred and Fifteen Days after his kneecap got sore.
All hail the healing hands of Steve Stricker!

Wizznutzz incite:
Jerrys return will cut into Jarvis Hayes minutes but we predict Jarvis accuracy to go through the roof. And go through another metaphorically higher roof when Gilbert comes back.

GWiz left unprotected in Expansion Draft!

"Libenter Pungentia" is GWiz's personal Latin Motto! This mascot enthuisiast concurs!

Worst Thing ABout SUperBowl Weekend:
Rob Dibble saying the word "Aereolus" on National Radio

Best Thing About SUper Bowl Weekend:
Desperate media-week sports hacks digging up stories on Houston native and fiormer Bullet ELVIN HAYES!!!!

Where is the Big E now???

Elvin Gives Back!

Elvin Goes from Poverty to NBA Stardom and it takes only 59 pages!

See what drove these bronzed multiracial half-timers into a life of edutainment!!
See them dance, see them read Jon Grisham!
Witness them be inspired by their parents!
Discover their joy for Prime Time TV Procedurals, eating, relaxing, traveling and having "long conversations"!
See them aspire to rid the world of viruses!!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 10:39 PM

Monday, February 02, 2004  


He sneaks in under the rardar and soft-shoes his way to 13 points!!!

Wall-to-wall coverage around the corner!

Until then......

Abe Pollin has contacted the media about what happened during yesterdays sduperbowl sunday Wizards / Cavaliers Half Time SHow:

Just for the record, and to leave no doubt, I know I speak for all of us at Washington Sports & Entertainment when I say how shocked, disappointed and dismayed I was about the incident that occurred during yesterday's Half Time Show. There was no indication at any time that such an inappropriate display was contemplated. We are angry and embarrassed that this happened during our superb broadcast, and apologize to our viewers.
I want to offer my personal assurances that we are looking into this matter and will do everything we can to get to the bottom of it.


Say it aint so WIZ??!!!

Way are you threatened that your lifemate is back on the court? Is it
Because you can no longer keep him at home7-days a week like an old wife --- 8-days a week when you are at the beach house??? Where you gaslight him with your unique blend of Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome, Jesus Juice, and flame retardant marital aids????

Lets hope this is all conjecture. For the kids!!!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:59 PM

Wednesday, January 28, 2004  

JUAN DIXON is point fixin', germ nixin', Donner, dammit -- Karen VON Blixen!!!!

Recently we were hard on everybodys favorite T-Cell and we even challeneged him to outrun a lion.
Seems We lit a fire under young Scamper van Beethoven!
Juanita Jordan Dixon is lighting it up!!!!

Juan credits his recent streak to 3 things:

1. Increased playing time
2. COnfidence
3. Clean phones!

Want to more about Juan?
Check out this Washingtonian Profile.
Yes, that Washingtonian!
The magazine thats all about white folk's weekends!
Really, its awesome.

Its alot better than this profile

A highlight: "Both of his parents were drug addicts and were getting herione. They both evently gained aids. "

But they do have some sweet photos of Juan here

And Juan Dixons Selection for the recent Read To Achieve MLK Charity Event!!

Kids need to know about their ancestors, and this conflicted country, and they also need to know about "splashback" and proper Howie Mandell "nest technique"!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 5:15 PM

Tuesday, January 27, 2004  

Atlantic Starr, El Debarge, Luther Vandross with smallhands!

"Let's see some consistency," Washington coach Eddie Jordan said. "We're not going to gloat. We love what happened tonight.

You want Consistency?!!
-- A dozen Points or more in 9 of the last 10 games!
-- 6 or more Johnny REBS is 16 of the last 17 games!
-- A carrer high in assists last night-.... in the first quarter!
How you like them apples?!?!?

WIzznutzz INCITE>
Kwame is getting the ball down low. SIngle, doubles teams, no matter. He's posted up more this season than in his entire high school carrer, and now hes got more familiarity with the low post than Portnoy!!
Hes no longer outfaking himself. He uses Japanese teachings of ancient art of AKIMBO to get to the line. In fact he is the league leader in getting to the line when coming of the bench. FACT! Hes getting a touch around the rim, discovering his game like he once discovered his growing body inthe shower, and discovered his way around a french menu. In a couple years he'll get his short jumper down and then ...... SCARY!

"Has Kwame Brown's time finally arrived? "

Says Kwame: "I'm a lot more comfortable. Not as jittery, taking my shots when I have it."

and has taken notice, praising "the swelling of his confidence" and his "staying power."

and Hoopsworld had to say:

Kwame Brown doing well now is a much more feel good story than if he first came in the league. Ater the long wait, it may finally be worth it, and it feels good.
Just remember that when you hold in your bodily fluids. It feels a lot better when you release after REALLY having to go.

I SMELL PULITZER for "Englishtaxidriver"!!!!

Everybody hop on board the Kwame-Wagon!
Theres room for all!!! As Rick James said, its "long and black and shiny"----and the interior is supple!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 9:06 PM

Thursday, January 22, 2004  



"I can make an impact on this team because I play hard and play physical and play to win, and maybe it will carry over to some of the guys," said Braggs, who played just one minute but scored his first points as a Wizard on Saturday. "If you can play, you can play." . .

Read all about Torraye's Xavier days.

Hes a self proclaimed mamas boy, under his gruff exterior!
Thats the best kind of mamas boys! Cool and Crispy on the outside, moist and tender inside. Like a McDLT, if McDLTs had mamas!

And his Mama's name?: "Hattie Vernell McCullar"
Voted "Top 5 Mama's Name" for fourth year in a row!

*Torraye played in Israeli League! He was an intimidating creator and creationist!

*Torraye was super fantastic happy mister man for Yakima sunkings in japan!

*Torraye was drafted and cut by Utah Jazz!

*Torraye went south of the border! Then took his game there too!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:55 PM


A dirt poor Transylvanian women is in stable condition after having a 175 pound tumor removed yet Americas top medical professionals cant put a return date on Jerry Stackhouses tender knee????

Meanwhile Christian Laettner is in DENIAL about his addicitons. Thats stage 6. Denial. Lather. Rinse.

"I'm not going to say I made a mistake, just a misjudgment. I've got to be smarter. "

Further evidence from last nights Duke MD game:

After practice yesterday, Laettner said he tried to stake a friendly wager with teammates Juan Dixon and Steve Blake, the starting back court for Maryland's 2002 NCAA championship team, but left MCI Center saying both players chickened out.

Dixon said he was game, and that he and Laettner simply failed to connect, but he agreed with Laettner that Blake lacked the faith.

"No one will take bets with me in the locker room," Laettner said. "We've got two Maryland kids and they want five points. Steve [Blake] won't even bet me 100 bucks. He keeps saying 25, 50 bucks. I said, 'This is the NBA. We've got to go at least 100.' Juan's a little bit more daring.

The full story here.

21 Million for 4 years isnt enough for Laettners twin addictions of Kiehls and Weed that sustain his machosensuous paradise?????

Need we be reminded of the last time Christian Laettner ganmbled with his teammates?

Thats high stakes K-9 Capers!
[the Official Edutainment Card Game of halftime entertainer SKYDOG (tm)]

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:40 PM

Monday, January 19, 2004  


Wizards rally to win and honor spirit of civil rights leader so we ALL win, except the Bulls!

For the 1st half the Wiz and Bulls adopted the doctrine of Passive Non-resistance.

Just take a look!:

(5:10) [CHI] Gill Jump Shot: Missed
(5:21) [WAS] Thomas Foul: Loose Ball (2 PF)
(5:21) [CHI] Crawford Jump Shot: Missed
(5:28) [WAS] Blake Layup Shot: Missed
(5:32) [CHI] Gill Turnover: Bad Pass (2 TO) Steal: Hayes (1 ST)
(5:51) [WAS] Blake Layup Shot: Missed Block: Davis (1 BLK)
(5:57) [WAS] Thomas Jump Shot: Missed
(6:02) [CHI] Blount Turnover: Lost Ball (3 TO) Steal: Blake (2 ST)
(6:06) [CHI] Blount Layup Shot: Missed Block: Hughes (2 BLK)
(6:13) [WAS] Blake Foul: Personal (1 PF)
(6:16) [WAS] Brown Turnover: Lost Ball (2 TO) Steal: Gill (2 ST)
(6:31) [CHI] Team Turnover: 24 Second Violation ( TO)
(6:31) [CHI] Hinrich Jump Shot: Missed Block: Brown (1 BLK)
(6:46) [WAS] Dixon Foul: Personal (1 PF)

With Tyson Chandler out, Kwame was finding hard to get up to his usual 50%.

But in the fourth the Wiz let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream!
Too Black, Too Strong!

The struggle of the Civil Rights Movement to me was most poignantly captivated for me by the fierce back and forth between Kwame Brown and Steve Blake down the strech to propel the team to victory.

---In Nigeria the names "Kwame" and "Steve" fittingly translate to "Saturday" and "Steve"!!!---

Kwame grqabbed a thundering rebound, his 5th, and proclaimed:
":We will win our freedom because the eternal will of God is embodied in our echoing demands."

Blake grabbed his 5th rebound of his own and ran the floor, hollaring
"Affirmative Action is Racism!"

Kwame pulled down number 6 and yelled
"Jesus wasa black man!"

Blake grabbed his 6th:
"White men built this nation and we are taking it back!"

And both Black and WHite were even together on the world stage, with a common goal.
And as a result, the TEam was winning, America was winning.
Race conscuiousness was being raised to a level it hasnt been in this country since Phil Collins and Philip Bailey got togther on the song "Easy Lover" to show how black and white and English and American and Phils and Pihilips are all equal, though probbaly Phil got most of the royalties.

Together we can join hands to rise up and dominate a smaller more disoriented minority!!!

And then Lang Lang come out onto the court and he started playing "Easy Lover" on the piano and it was so great that even the sound of GWiz throwing a chair through a Papa Johns window and yelling "Stack!" couldnt lower the mood.

Lang Lang was in the MCI center because after the Wiz celebrated "Asian Night" the Wiz signed TORRAYE BRAGGS to a 10 Day contract
and part of the terms of the deal were that Braggs , a "physical presence" who describes himself as "CHI-CURIOS",, insisted that he be given legal custody of CHASER Lang in lieu of money, to do with as his pleased. All sides agreed to the deal!!!

Then Kwame grabbed One More Rebound!!!!
"You little white devil, the mad scientist Yakub created you and in my supreme blackness I fear neither of you!!"

It was awesome!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 7:09 PM


The silver lining???
Oh just a little lining called EMEKA OKUFOR!!!!

Hes like the Ben Wallace we never had! Except we did have Ben wallace!

Jarvis is playing like a randy ponce out there. When he fell hard to the floor versus the Psitons, Chenier said:
"When I saw his arm like that I though he disclocated his shoulder..... hes such a young, stallion of a player, he just popped back up"

My fave moment of this weekend though was little Juan Dixon blocking the shot of former Wiz 7-footer Calvin Booth! And blocked it in his face too, with lots of skin touching and exposing himself to immune compromise.

JURGI just yelled in my ear a game update:
"steve blake misses wide-open layup after steal. crowd boos. martin luther is honored."

posted by WizzNutzz | | 2:34 PM

Sunday, January 18, 2004  

Washington War Slut Weakly is filled with plagarists!!
Patrick Hrbuy ripps off Wizznutzz for throwback jerseys & rips off WTEM980am for lame jokes!
AND JUST BREAKING: Tom Knott Copies From Tom Knott!!!

Here's a sentence from Tommmmmmmy Knotttttttxz report of Wizz demolishing of Sonics:

Etan Thomas, the forward with some poet in him, made a passionate contribution off the bench, deploying his weapon of grit.

As avid readers of will know and even those of you less avid will see, Tom Knottz used ALMOST EXACT SAME LINE in his Jan. 11 game desciption of Wizz demo'in' 76ers!!!

Etan Thomas, the forward with a lot of poet in him, blocked a shot by Eric Snow to excite the throng.

What happened to Etan's poemtry? On Jan. 11 he have "a lot" of poemtry in him. On Jan 17 apparently Etan dropped his poemtry off to daycare before reporting to hardwoods and now only has "some" poemtry in him. Highly innnnneresting, Dr. Knots!

And as we ask before, because we will ripp ourselves off without shame because we not get paid (interns!!!), "Do anyone know what mean: Etan Thomas, the forward with a lot of poet in him"????

And here's a line Don Knotts writes about Our Savior:

Brown reverted to his half-awake self, mixing a strong play with a weak one, making the big dunk but unable to make the small catch in the post.

While we agree Our Lord is half-awake (he only gives 50% in games he says, so he can give other 50% to loaves and fish distribtion!!!). Do anyone know what a "small catch in the post" is? Sounds like tip from English Compostion in Finland 101!!! "Parallell constructs are fantastic like Nokia phones! If you say big you should say small---no matter what!!!"

Tom Knott, you always have a place to write once Wash War Slut Weekly hires copyeditor or any editor and fires you onto the streets of D.C. where you will no longer have space to write twisted metaphors and unstable references and half sentences and partial thoughts----which is what we do here at!!!

posted by Jarkko | | 10:13 AM

Friday, January 16, 2004  


The Pistons roster has more Wizards/Bullets years-played than our starting 5!

Coach SharpieLocks feels helpless to defend his cubs!

Larry Hughes aka Cold Mountain hides his feelings from the light and the refs -- takes his beatings like a smaller relentlessly victimised man.

Coach Jordans nipples sore and cracked from nursing his litter, all those young pink bodies scrambling blindly over eachother searching out the teat. Babies havbing babies!

And the runt of the littler, Juanita Jordan Dixon, just cant get his fill.
Instead he quietly autoclaves his SPAM 3 times a day in his Germantown condo.

Juan isnt getting his milk, his minutes. And when he does he is lost underfoot!
All his life he hears :
:"you cant play high school ball" and he proives them wrong! "
:"you cant play college ball"! He proves them wrong! "

Maybe its time for Juan to try and achieve somehting non-basketball related that we dont think he can do:
like Outrunnig a Lion, Becoming a Scrabble Champion, Being Traded Straight Up for Ben Wallace, or Summoning an adequate auto-immune response to everday human contact.

Prove us wrong in these fresh arenas little hero!

Heres a penetratingly routine article on Jared Jeffries
The best part is the title:
"Growth in the Post"
Its all downhill from there tho.

Former Bullet Gugliotta Almost Died.
4 Years ago!
Angel came to him in the form Of Jimmy THE RAT Lynam. Googs ran from Lynam/Light!

is the queen of hearts!
Maybe he was hypnotised by Angela Landsbury dressed like the Queen of Hearts like in Manchurian Candidate???

CLate definiely did one or more of these drugs, and did them 3 TIMES

NBA Bans Frankensence!

100 Awesome Reasons To Love Rasheed Wallace!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:34 PM

Thursday, January 15, 2004  

Its seeps thorugh the parquet floor

I have great concern for miasma.

You have asthma?

No. The miasma. Vapor, stale air.

Will "The House Of Pollin" crumble into the swamp??!!
Nah. No such luck!
Commandant Pollin blows his whistle and the franchise once again hurls itself over the trench wall and runs unarmed into the Turkish Guns....

So anyway here are some LINKZZZ!!!!!!!:

Here is A Faithful and Rousing Artwork to Help Keep Us Positive In these Times.

Jerry Stackhouse Medical Miracle!!!!
Jerry Stackhouse succesfully had the pixies drained from his knee.
The Official Medical Position on Stackhouse is that he is now merely "A Weakling!"

Hi Lights from our favorite Grandpa:

"Vanderjagt, that's my man," Strickland said. "I love that guy. Because he doesn't give a damn."

"I loved playing for Pat. There was no B.S. He was crazy as hell, but you knew where he was coming from. You got to respect that," he said.

"I never really played the game. I'm learning as the years go on, but that's always how I've been."

"when you get traded, the grass is not always greener.'"

The sleepy-eyed Strickland's coal-black hair is now flecked with gray. Lue and other young Magic players call him "Grandpa." "It takes Grandpa a while to get loose," joked Lue.

ROD, we may not be togethr anymore, BUT ...
....We'll always have Applebees.....

JARVIS HAYES GETS PHILOSOPHICAL about really uninteresting stuff!


They're still talking about Darvin Ham's dunk in Boston last week. Ham, of the Pistons, drove baseline, reversed, jackknifed and threw the ball into the hoop so fast that many people thought the ball didn't go in.
His teammates were so impressed that they watched a tape of it on the team plane.
"Yeah, we hit the rewind, watched it from all different angles, slow-motion, stop, pause - 'Wonder what he was thinking right here,' " Ben Wallace said to the media, while laughing. "Those are the types of dunks he did all the time when we were in Washington together [1997-1998]. I'm just looking forward to him bringing down one of the baskets like he did in college."

And now BIG BEN wants some of the action!

Especially after he saved Scout in her cute HAM costume from that mean drunk racist inthe woods. Just leave him be!

And finally ,
the WIZARDS may be on tough times,
but lets never forget WHO"S #1! WHO"S #1! WHO"S #1! WHO"S #1!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:40 PM

Wednesday, January 14, 2004  

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:25 PM

Tuesday, January 13, 2004  


New ZEaland Paper Breaks Scoop:


You were so clean. SO all american. What Happened??

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Christian Laettner #32
Freshman, 6'10" 225lbs Angola, NY
Christian earned high school All-America honors while leading the Nichols School to three state championships. He averaged 27.8 points and 17.5 rebounds per game as a senior.

Tips from the Blue Devils
- Whether it is a teammate or an opponent, show good sportsmanship by respecting their feelings. Respect yourself by not trying cocaine. The first time can kill.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SO if you survive the first time, it gets really AWESOME???!!!

This is embarrassing to us but mostyl to Christian Laettner, embarrassing like the time Racquel Welch inroduced him at the ESPY awards as "Christine".

CHRISTIAN you now you can just take simple Olive Oil if you want your coat to be shiny?.

MEANTIME WE ALL PRAY FOR YOU TO FIND THE SUPPORT YOU NEED in the arms of THE CHURCH OF THE MACHOSENSUAL and that you will come back even more naturally handsome and lustrous, and in that in the meantime we remember that everyone is human, and that this may mean more minutes for Kwame!!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 5:33 PM

Monday, January 12, 2004  


Oh Gilbert you are so young, so firm, you want the world, of course you do!!!!!
You are not to be blamed for feeling immortal for you have been raised fearless, but when Abe Pollin dipped your baby body into the Potomac to make you impregnable, he held you by your stomach, and left you with a weak spot, and now Paris has returned and stung you right in the 5 Hole!

So Gilberts out for 3 to onehundred and six weeks.
He's going to go mental if he doesn't take up a hobby to occupy his hands and energies, like repeatedly scratching the skin off his thighs or smoking cigarettes for one.

But the fans cannot take this anymore, thes injuries -- and neither can the wizznutzz..... and so we are officially demanding something be done:

We ask for the head of Wizards head Trainer STEVE STRICKER!!!

And we get what we ask for.
We got the Frog to Fire the Princess when we ran Salieri and his book of poison compositions right out of town.

STEVE STRICKER -- this is most definitely your doing. And Im not even going to mention Kneeman Marcus Stachouse--

When was the last timeanyone heard of a world class sprinter coming back at "80%"?
Or an Olympic Skier reaggravating a complete knee reconstruction?

Its not as if you have to even cut expertly and unkindly into the flesh of Washington basketball breadwinners, all you have to do is massage them with supple touch and teach them to cherish their bodies, for the body is the temple.
Give them fruits, stretch them out like the fullest twilight, and above all ask them to sit down and listen to their bodies.

The man puts the cart before the horse while the child would outpace his own dreams but for his flesh!

If I had emailed Steve Stricker

I would have asked him"

??know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's ??

That's mutherfucking Corinthians to you Mister science !

Furtrhermore I would ask Dr Steve that he let the "I AM" that is his authority as he moves about on Earth, the GOD presence that he is, take its place within the council meeting at the throne, at the head. And we call to order every single deva overlighting every cell within the body. And we call to order this meeting of all those who would instruct into the DNA. Those devas of the DNA to come and sit.
Those ones who oversee the carrying of genetic information. The carrying of ancestral information, dogma, thoughtforms, wisdom handed down generation to generation. Come now and assemble within the great geometric bundles that carry it all and wrap it all about.

And I would also ask Mr Stricker about his feelings on recent breakthroughs in theabdominal sciences, like the Stomack Pacemaker!

Maybe this can help! DO you even know these exist?? How about it Science?

And the Stomach is a temple also.
Did you learn nothing from the sins of Hot Plate and Rod Strickland and the plague of Half Smoke that rained down??!!

I Know Gilbert has shown you disrespect before:

Gilbert slapping away your hand as you came to his aid, slapping the hand that Kneads him, when it was he who needed you!!!

But he is a child!
-Children believe they can eat honey buns for all meals.
-Children believe homework is gay.
-Children believe they can take all those "Blue Stratos" cologne samples that there dad got in the mail and pour 4 or 5 of them all over their bodies at one time, and put mousse in their hair, and wear sky blue drawstring pants and go to junior high and think they will be just like Don Johnson in Miami Vice but they are wrong and the punishment is severe!

I know you want to be a popular dad, or maybe the cool man-nanny, like "Charles in Charge", but you need to be a repsonsible and credible trainer and I know Charles in Charge , Mr Stricker, and you, sir, are no Charles in Charge.

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:27 PM

Sunday, January 11, 2004  

Hello everyone. It's Ken Beatrice, former and now current WizzNutzz intern and former and still former Sportstalk 980 radio host. I'm back from Mexico, and I'm here to save Kwame and give him the handmade cilice I've crafted for him.

The balm that keeps me mentally balanced is running frightenly low, but I mostly feel OK right now.

I received this message in my e-mail from the Most High last night; its subject header said: dread antonia tower

kodiak swizzle diagnostician splintery up anthropogenic peach farmhouse multiply tass altruist britain hadrian abscissae kelsey washbasin recuperate stalemate injurious afoul wineskin champaign almighty annul don abridge imperial publication amigo honey marin adhere lax swine did vermont pyrrhic holyoke contusion deflector surtout cistern military abroad crank meltdown transport hairpin contraceptive whine hobbes kampala quadrennial louver detonate deborah davies blackwell seditious xerox mawkish megabyte krakow shun bel cane clonic alfonso nucleus midland tiffany berglund dollop ferguson conserve oratoric quota harmonica anisotropic alison inc showplace washington estrange ed ejector math dc decedent ali inelastic hackneyed jane bryn zig teletypewrite siltstone carnival shoot lousy pareto anarch loiter spouse piddle speck cordage asparagus trod balloon grantor lustrous schnabel pus whereon gettysburg oxnard tread hopscotch geoduck monsoon boolean commingle alterman celery palomar circumvention housekeep avocado stephenson banbury neurology togs molt transcendental difficult.

EVERY WORD IS SO, SO TRUE! Especially the part about "showplace washington estrange." IT SURE IS! I can't wait to tell my brothers in Opus Dei about this most important message from His Most Holiness Highness! Kwame Hath Spoken!

And I can't wait until Kwame and I attend the Passion Play in Oberammergau, Germany! Kwame will represent all 14 stations of the cross and hand out refreshments (despite very small hands)!

posted by Ken | | 8:30 PM


Usually when we read aloud in our conference room the account of the Wizzards game by the Washingon War Slut Weekly, we appreciate coverage of mr. John N. Mitchell. He doesn't make fun of Kwame's small hands or Etan's poetry or Larry's larry. So when we read aloud this morning over Coka-Colas and Danishes of pasty, we were surprised by backhander in the artile about Wizz demolishing of Philly 76s and that Evil Vodou Priestess SAMUEL DELAMBERT!!! Look at what was wrote:

"Etan Thomas, the forward with a lot of poet in him, blocked a shot by Eric Snow to excite the throng."

IMMEDIATELY WE KNEW WHAT HAD HAPPENED!!!! John N. Mitchell had taken night off, and Washington War Slut Weekly sent TOM KNOTT in his stead. Sure enough, after Jarkko finished his CokaCola and let out HUGE burp, he screamed "NOOOOTTTT!!!" Then passed out in pasty Danish.

You know how we feel like TOm Knott, he of the twisted metaphor, the nonsensical pun, he of the head scratching offhanded comment----such as "Etan Thomas, the forward with a lot of poet in him." Do anyone know what that mean? Etan wrteis poemtry, yes, and we love it and we love his flowetry. Butt he's also toughest Wiz forward this side of Brevin Knight. Poemtry indicates softness and sensitiveities in Tom Knotts world---not traits for basketball players going up against High Vodu Priestess with Sharpen Elbows!!! But us Wizznutzz, we love poemtry and it means toughness and heart and compassion, so for when you slam dunk in face of Vodu Queen you merely quote something beautiful, like perhaps the "The Rose of Sharon" by Solomon:

I am the rose of Sharon,
and the lily of the valleys.
As the lily among thorns,
so is my love among the daughters.
As the apple tree among the trees of the wood,
so is my beloved among the sons.

I sat down under his shadow with great delight,
and his fruit was sweet to my taste.
He brought me to the banqueting house,
and his banner over me was love.
Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples:
for I am sick of love.

His left hand is under my head,
and his right hand doth embrace me.
I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem,
by the roes, and by the hinds of the field...
that ye stir not up, nor awake my love...
till he please.

AND ETAN COULD SAY ALL THAT FROM HEART BEFORE HE GOT TO HALF COURT!!! And of course, Vodou Priestess Queen is suitably freaked out and filled with loving feelings, therefore ready to be prone to missing jumpshot. THAtTT'S POEMTRY IN A FORWARD, MR. TOM KNOTT!!!

posted by Yurgi | | 10:50 AM

Friday, January 09, 2004  

So its friday afternoon and Im in the wizznutzz media center and Im searching google for the phrase:
and I find this!:

Vote for The Greatest Suns Moment Of All Time....

.......Posted by: schutd

That Rex CHapman shot ended in a loss, otherwise it would have been included I bet. I voted for the Barkely shot over David Robinson. I was sitting in a hotel room in some tiny ass Utah town, on the way to Colorado to visit my then girlfriend's parents in Golden. Barkely hit the shot, we won the game, and I had out of wedlock sex with a girl in a tiny ass town hotel right across the street from a tabernacle, all night long.

I wanted to vote for the Gar Heard shot, but I was only 6 then. The sex after that game wasn't NEARLY as good.

Rex, GAR, sex with mormons, Whats not to like about this!!! GOD bless the world wide internmet!!!!

Less exciting was the result I got for googling "I had sex with Juwan Howard":

NBA Star Juwan Howard Sued By Chicago Woman Who Claims He Gave Her Herpes

Its an old story, but like herpes never quite goes away!
HERPES, an official sponsor of the 2004 ALL-STAR WEEKEND!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 5:25 PM



We are playing tonight for pride. We are playing tonight for Phil Chenier's Roth IRA.

We are playing tonight for Dwight Howard, the "next Kwame Brown"
DOnt make me laugh.!!!!
When you see the next Kwame Brown it will be minutes after you see a young David Duchovney's buttocks and minutes before the RAPTURE and the Tribulation, regardlesss of what the amillennialists heads at espn preach.

Its also a reunion of sorts, with ROD Strickland, Ty Lue and Juwan Howard playing out their careers in high style!!

Here are some compelling links to sustain you through the winter of our discontent:

Former Bullets Coach (54-61) Harry "Buddy" Jeanette!

We are playing tonight for KWAMES KREW! aka "the 50 per-CENTers"
Kwames Krew is like the ROD SQUAD, the small for-profit army of orphanage scamps that Rod Strickland and Chico Debarge put to work, preaching the twin ideals EDutainment and copyright piracy.

Burger Kings Denies Kevin Duckworth Service!

Meanwhile, former Bullets Harvey Grant is coaching his son to greatness.
"I still love this game" says Harvey.
Which is another way of saying: "I still dont love anything else in my life besides basketball"

And finally, ABE POLLIN makes #40 in Fox Sports Power 100!!
Proving you dont have to be young to be succesfull! You dont have to be successful either! You just have to be rich and stubborn beyond words.
Time will tell the story of how Mrs Garrett was really the power behind the throne!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 4:59 PM

Thursday, January 08, 2004  


Saginawegian Darvin Ham is praised here.

"Darvin" doesnt waste his words. So understated. SO brimming with hidden purpose.

It reminds me of the Ernest Hemmingway Short story:

Darvin stood up and walked to the end of the station. Across, on the other side, were fields of grain and trees along the banks of the Ebro. Far away, beyond the river, were mountains. The shadow of a cloud moved across the field of grain and he saw the river through the trees.

'And we could have all this,' Darvin said. 'And we could have everything and every day we make it more impossible.'
'What did you say?'
'Would I prefer to be playing more? Sure. '
'We can have everything.'
'No, we can't.'
'We can have the whole world.'
'No lie there.'
'We can go everywhere.'
'No, we can't. It isn't ours any more. But I know I have a job to do, and I'm always going to be ready to do it. '
'It's ours.'
'No, it isn't. And once they take it away, you never get it back. It's not been easy to sit so much this season, but I have no complaints. '
'But they haven't taken it away.'
'They want me to come in and be a spark for this team and that's exactly how I want to play.'
'Come on back in the shade,' he said. 'You mustn't feel that way.'
'No excuses. ' Darvin said. 'I just know things. I will get to contribute.'

Its was raining outside, and Darvin put on yesterdays clothes.

Meanwhile , Mr Ham goes to Detroit, and he brings with him nothing but a bedroll and a reel of HAMSLAMS!!!!

Old Coach Brown says: "I want to hurry up and get home...Darvin's dunk has to be on ("SportsCenter").

lets have a look at that HAMSLAM!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 5:55 PM


Let the little children come unto Me, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
--Luke 18:16

posted by WizzNutzz | | 1:27 PM

Wednesday, January 07, 2004  

GODSPEED Ken, god speed!!!!!

Jaarkos 10 yr old nephew has been using the Mothering Hut as a play Model UN.
Hes a pretty clever fellow.

When I told him he had to clear out the Hut he relayed me the following memo:

Finland must have a deeper understanding of its cooperation partners to be able to act effectively in a global environment and increase tolerance and multi-cultural values at home.

I dont even know what that means. He is so innocent.

He has been addressing your Bridle as "Gen secretary Anan".

I think that its best that once you have returned that he not be allowed to visit the Hut. His world may fall apart. The hut can do that to people as you well know.

So Every wizard played like a dog last night. Better not to think about it. Life goes on! 7 years ago the franchise seemed lost for good and then a little thing called Ledell Eackles fell down from heaven!

SO lets think istead about BRIAN CARDINAL!

There is an awesome new brian Cadinal Website called:
Go there now!
You can see his cool mask. It may disguise him to you at first but his kindly shuffling tenderness and milque-toast extremties give him away!

Youi can even buy an AWESOME BRIAN CARDINAL TSHIRT!!!!

This is the same Brian Cardinal that DOug Collins recently admired aloud on national TV.
You had this very same Milky asset down on your bench all of last year!!!

Theres Another Cardy article here, on his college days.

Why "Custodian"??:

"Before his first game against Illinois in Champaign, Cardinal passed some old friends who work on the maintenance crew at Assembly Hall. He told them to take the night off. As always, he'd be taking care of the dirty work."

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:58 PM

Tuesday, January 06, 2004  

Breaking News!!!

Here's the letter he sent to WizzNuttzz explaining his return:

My fellow WizzNutzz, you know how much I care for you and your classy operation of incites and edutainment, and how I benefited so from my tenure working on your most professional of Web sites and from the frequent visits to the Mothering Hut that you forced me to endure. It made me a better person, if a more pained and often bruised and sometimes bloodied person; but also a most-highest religious man, one who understands corporal mortification in the name of the All That Is Most Holy Highest (thank you, Mothering Hut, for teaching me). I'm also one who now believes in fighting for causes, even if said causes are in a remote mountainous region of a strange and mysterious country, where "si" simply means "yes" and not "see." Yes, I was kidnapped last year by Dana von Postgame Call-In Show Girl and taken cross-country by her during her desirous searching for Mr. Chico DeBarge. And yes, we somehow crossed the border and ended up fighting for freedom alongside the indigenous Indians of the Chiapas region of Mexico. While the Zapatistas treated us well, and like my good friend Marcos, I got very good at smoking a pipe through a full facemask, the truth is I longed to analyze hard-court statistics and study the work habits of very young men in sweaty shorts.

When I read the horrible account of Our Kwame Brown's small hands by Mr. Tom Knott in the Washington Times, I knew I must rush back and defend the Manchild against the evil forces who are trying to keep him from giving 50% every night (and sometimes less when he's tired; even Jesus needed to rest, sometimes). I'm somewhere in Ohio right now, hitchhiking back to the great state of Maryland, where I've learned smoking has stopped but spiced sausage and grilled peppers are still legal. I shall rush to the WizzNutzz Chevy Chase offices, and I will fill all of you in on my plans to protect Kwame. He needs love and discipline, and I'm just the tenebrous mentor to give him both. The love part needs no explanation. But the discipline part, well, that's something my new brothers in Opus Dei will recognized immediately. Let's just say that I've been mining silver from the Chiapas mountainsides in order to handcraft a cilice for the Manchild to wear around his upper thigh, under his shorts, during games. A cilice is a spiked chain that prods and pokes the wearer, causing small tears of the skin to remind the subject that he is but a human, of flesh and blood he's made, and that His Savior endured something much worse than having to guard an agitated Ron Artest. I will be etching a small Wizards logo in the final edition of the cilice, and I expect Our Kwames to wear it during every game, offering up his blood, sweat and tears and especially his blood to the Most Holy.

Warm up the Mothering Hut, dear friends. I'm returning home imminently.

Peace and love,
The Most Reverend Ken Beatrice

P.S. Dana says, "Heeeeeeyyyyyy!" Then she fired a full clip of ammo at me as I left Chiapas by donkey. Luckily, she was so hopped up on peyote that none of the bullets hit me. I believe, however, she did plug General Zapata's great grandson in his grenade belt. She may have to return to Maryland after all.

P.S.S. You might notice that my writing is a bit cleaner and my formerly formless enthusiasm is held somewhat in check. That's becaused I'm medicated. One of the Indian doctors made a balm for me, one that I rubbed onto my chest and temples every night to relieve me from my many manic episodes and severe descents into darkness. I just hope this batch lasts me until I can get back to Chiapas for more....


WHoa thanks KEN!!! Me (Yurgi) and Jarkko can't wait to meet you for first time!! And Darvin, while trembling a bit, said it might be a "good " thing to have you back in office. He then wipe away tear. Of happyness?

posted by Yurgi | | 10:09 PM



Tom got lots of coal for christmas and now hes giving back!
See Tom complain. See Tom Snipe. SNIPE TOM SNIPE!

Now hes got a problem with Larry "Cold Mountain" Hughes not passing the ball enoigh!
Give Larry aka "The Coy Mister" a dag break!
He has alot expected of him.

"There is no worse sight on Fun Street than Larry Hughes in the open floor."

Thats like if you were waging a 1916 Arab revolt against the Turks, and TE Lawrence pulled a hammy, and so CHurchill sent you a new Chief Liason but he got "The Piles" on the unclean boat trip over to the continent and so in a pinch you used a local Belgian servant called "Reggie" and despite no military training Reggie takes the Arabs across the Land of Thirst into bravest brave battle, putting up an incredible effort before dying before the turkish canons and then all PEOPLE said is:
"'Reggie of Arabia?' Thats a stupid name for a movie"

Show me a healthy team of Arnold Drummonds and Ill show you A Dudley Ramsey with a low turnover/assist ratio!!

Larry Hughes aka "Marble Bag" is supreme!
He could beat Juan DIxon in a game of H-O-R-S-E for sure.
Even though the game might have to be played in installments.

Check out L Boogie Supreme fan site right here!!! CLick on "Style" to learn about Boogies tattoos, each one tells a story!

Meanwhile the SACBEE, official golden state broadsheet of the Wizznuttzz, has news on the eternal sunshine in former Bullet CDUBB's Spotless mind!

CWEBB talks bout how his DAD mace humbled him with tales:

"I heard all those stories again," Webber said. "He told me to be patient with this. He talked about his life, how he didn't really have a chance to get a job he enjoyed, how he dropped out of school in the sixth grade to pick cotton in the fields. Those things in my life have always been serious.... My dad always tells those stories over the holiday. You hear about walking to school, in the snow, uphill. It was very serious, and we were brought up to appreciate things. We've come a long way, but it still doesn't make my situation any better today."

Oh BIG FISH, how DID you get the courage to quit school, hang out in a field for money until your son could buy your your second house??! Your genberation is made of saltier fluids!
We tease MACE because we love him.

We even had a FREE MACE RALLY last year! See the photo here!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:47 PM

Monday, January 05, 2004  


But Tom Knott still plays the Small Hands Card!!! Why tom why??!!
Read the Knotted similies of Tom's "growing obsession with Brown's hands " right here.

Sure it may be true that in the words of ee cummings that:
nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands

But what part of MAN-CHILD dont you understand! Man hands on a man makes just aniother MAN-MAN.
The child is in the innocence, the spirit, and the hands!

We have been thoruigh this before last year when Mike Tirico and Bill Walton openly mocked Kwames hands on national TV.

What we said then was what we say now:

Small hands are good for lots of things: like opening bottles of dressing, and playing poker with small cards, working with sliced meats, and cleaning the munition casings at Oscar Schindlers factory.
Not like your Bad-Touch big-hands!!!
Laura FLynn Boyle likes small hands.
Only person with big hands who did anything good is God, our creator.
He uses his big hands to soften our falls and smite our enemies.

Whereas little handed people are gods children:

Little hands clappin'
Children are travelin'
Little hands claspin'
Truth they are graspin'
A world with no pain
For one and all
And they are learnin'
Souls they are yearnin'
Nice place to play
And no place to fall
Come let us be there
Come let us be there

Juan DIxon has small, and clean hands. ANd he said this in Kwames' defence:

"when i was a kid in sunday school our preacher always told us: Oh be careful little hands what you do. God is up above. He is looking down in love. So be careful little hands what you do. It sounds like a silly song, but damn that song almost ruined my dating life! You know, I'd be out there in a car and just when I'm ready to make the move, this voice from heaven says, 'Be careful little hands, what you do.' And then next thing im upstairs cleaning my hands until the desperate pain between my legs receded."

Here is a really challenging article that is worth reading though cause even though its not about basketball or bacon, it still has a lesson to teach about why Kwame is the heir narcissus and that lesson is "little hands teaching big hands".

And When you get to the line that says "A quorum of teenage boys is converging around Prober.", you can stop what you are doing and think about God looking down in love for a while.

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:53 PM

Wednesday, December 31, 2003  

Wizards lose to hawks at home!
Quel VERMUND!!!!

Coach Jordan now trhe longest tenured coach with a washington pro sports franchise!

Juan Dixon dribbles ball like a 3 year old in an after school soccer match.
Or Popeye Jones' sons in a backyard hockey game!

And when he feels too cxlosed in on the baseline, defenders and bactrium moving in like tricksies, Juan loves the bounce pass!
Watch the big ball bounce! Bounce off knees! Bounce into the other teams hands!

Coach Jordan tiring of Jerry Stackhouse and his tea parties:

"Jerry is doing his thing on the side, cloak and dagger, I don't know," Jordan said. "I'm not watching him. But I don't know if it's one month, two months, two years, I don't know."

What does that mean? !!!
"CLoak an Dagger", isnt that the very same name as the Chenier/Buckhantz Celebrity Pantomime Spectacular?? their bleak offseason vaudville show at the Reno Nevada Hospice Theatre??

Wizards spiralling to the bottom of the league. Lets start loking at the draft board!
That Huigh Schol kid Howard is supposed to be a manchildean wonder!!.
Kwame could gracefully give up his spot on the bench :"I play best, energywise, coming in at third string, playing garbage time, doing what I can", and could teach his manchild protege as only a ManTeen can, and give him the sort of upbringing he never had as a gifted young composer, with the Salieri posion and the burdens and the learning about his body as it was dtressed in the thorny rebukes of "flaming faggot" and "we dont carry french dressing".

Kwame can teach him to fish. school him on dressing good and good dressing!

I have been having a crisis of faith recently, questioning my faith in the Black Narcissus and hardcourt Jesus, Kwame Brown.
I have been weak. My flesh is softer that last weeks Pom Noisettes.
Forgive me my treachary! You forgave Judas, you forgave Peter, can you not forgive Darvin?
For as I pray in the Garden of Gethsemane, I park my Ford Expedition in the shade.

have faith fans. for gilberts belly has risen. and jerry shall be touched and have his shandy-drinking knees once again virile and furtive. and Juan shall achieve divine antisepsis. and Steve Blake shall discover the power of pumice in the new day. and look to the miracle who walks among us yet, ROD STRICKLAND!!!
He was redeemed by searching inward and by frankfurters, those little salty redeemers!


posted by WizzNutzz | | 5:59 PM

Tuesday, December 30, 2003  

Sam is a chubb!!! Frodo is a chaser!!! ALL HAIL KING ARENAS UPON HIS RETURN!!!

Gilbert Arenas of Aereolas is returning to the kIngdom of Mordor MCI 2night !!!

That's the first of many returns for Wizz and WizzNutzz and Nutzz of Wizz for greatness of 2004. Tune in 2morrow for annual New Year's greting and every day in 2004 of next year for daily incites and edutainment. I enjoy my first few months of internign here at WizzNutzz. I even like---strike that---LOVE old Prince music and am learning 2 write like HE who is HIM, the Beautiful Ones (why not 1?) !!!

posted by Yurgi | | 9:33 AM

Wednesday, December 24, 2003  

Christian Laettner bobble head doll says.....


This is a special time of year for us al, a time to think about our loved ones, and jesus and how fun it is to humiliate bad guys and what Mitchell Butler means to us,--- a time to drink CInamon seasonal Pruno from Sheed Brothers Natural, to gather round the wide screen tv at circuit city in our poinsetta colored game worn kevin duckworth shorts.

Enjoy this

SO whats happening?

Juan Dixon has pink eye!!
Take a Look!

Look for Juan to be wearing Horace Grant style goggles from now on . Germs must not get in! Goggles filled with PH balanced antifreeze solution to guarantee cleanliness and aqua tinted waking dreams!

Watch for Rods returns to diminish dramatically once hes into his "game shape"!!!

Rasheed Uses N Word, Self Hates!



HOLIER THAN THOU — Wizards forward Christian Laettner has let his hair grow out this season. Some have joked he resembles some depictions of Jesus Christ.
Laettner laughed this off before the game. "It's a joke and it's funny," Laettner said. "I don't know what to say about it. A few of the depictions that I have seen, I might look like him. But, really, who knows what Jesus looked like?"
Laettner is one of the most reviled players in the league and is almost always booed during player introductions. "People have called me a lot of things when my hair is long," he said. "Some are good, some are bad. I try to think about the ones that call me Jesus more often than some of the other things they call me."

Sister CHristian KEEP THE FAITH when barbs are striongest! JC died for our sins but that didnt stop him from embracing ythe CHURCH OF THE MACHOSENSUAL!!!
Those with Natural good looks go to Heaven!!!

Laettner went on to quote scripture to address his hecklers:

"I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's
sake; for when I am weak then I am strong--Corinthians 12:1

Only this is what YOU may eat of all the winged swarming creatures that go upon all fours, those that have leaper legs above their feet with which to leap upon the earth. These are the ones of them YOU may eat of: the migratory locust according to its kind, and the edible locust after its kind, and the cricket according to its kind, and the grasshopper according to its kind. And every other winged swarming creature that does have four legs is a loathsome thing to YOU. So by these YOU would make yourselves unclean -- Leviticus 11:21-25 , my friends"

In case men struggle together with one another, and the wife of the one has come near to deliver her husband out of the hand of the one striking him, and she has thrust out her hand and grabbed hold of him by his privates, you must then amputate her hand. Your eye must feel no sorrow. Deuteronomy 25:11-12. You would be wise to heed these lessons fans and foes"



posted by WizzNutzz | | 5:37 PM

Thursday, December 18, 2003  

Here last thing we say on the City Paper subject!! At least for today!!!
"It like hiring Father Guido Sarducci to scribe a piece and then putting Don Novello's name on it. Comedy blasphemy!" At least that what our friends at SportsFanMag have to say on subject. Because I from Finland and Yurgi from Romania and Darvin from Flint, Mich, we not sure who this religious figure Father Guido is or this Pope Novello, but we hope they sort out problems and differences!! Religions and Edutainment should bring people together and not bust their lips or humps!!!

Abe Pollin Gives Pep Talk! Falls Asleep in middle of it! Wakes and wonders aloud to Coach Eddie Jordan, who he caLLs "Michael," as to When Kevin Duckworth is going to Show Up and Start "earning Pay!!!"

Montgomery Burns Pollin (Abe to his friends and servants but mostly his servants), visited the Wizzards before their big win against Utah Jazzes and that guy Andrei Kirilenko, who wears worst toupe in league!!! Looks like bleached blond prarie dog pelt!!! Sure, who doesn't have one of those but few FEW wear them as helmets like Andrei!

As you can see, Abe felt need to set up microphone and wear suit to address heaving sweaty barely covered youth on team, thereby showing HE OWNS invitro farm, not young people!! Abe's visit went like this according to our spy and Stackhouse's lover G-Whiz:
"Hello fellows, I've been watching your games as of late and.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....I think you're playing hard and with spirit and hard spirits.....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz.....I know we're losing and our prime product of the invitro farm, Dr. Arenas, is out along with Jeridith Stackhouse, two great players and three great knees....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz....But we must stay together and fight through.......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....Michael!!! Michael!!! Come here!!! Where is Duckworth? Where? Driving the charity wagon? How about he drives the lane instead!!! SMITHERS!!!! Bring 'round my carriage...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

posted by Jarkko | | 6:55 AM

Friday, December 12, 2003  

Here's the incendiary article by the WizzNutzz Commune that the executive chiefs at the Washington City Paper suppressed due to pressure from "journalistic morals" and standards and practices and other such nonsense!

They wanted accountability! They wanted accuracy! They wanted proper spelling! They wanted real names!

Well, they came to the wrong people!

Here's a name for you, moralistic editors of the Alternative Gray Lady Weekly:
First name: Ham. Second name...... SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like Abe Pollin they hired us, they fired us, they gave some computers to a poor kid.
They got gun shy when we brought it strong to the mike, like Rakim on "Follow the Leader"!!!

Thanks to Sonic Tom at Bossman Graphics for the excellent drawing!! Major props to Tom Socca as well for loving us enough to risk his credibility and hire us!!!

The Brothers Grimm
The Wizards have found new enthusiasm. Why are their TV announcers so depressed?

By the WizzNutzz

The new-look, young, and energetic Wizards look fab tonight at the MCI Center against the Dallas Mavericks.

Free-agent signee Gilbert Arenas is playing with lawless abandon. Jarvis Hayes is finding his spots on the floor like a dog on a city sidewalk. The Manchild, Kwame Brown, his crown of thorns left behind in the locker room, is playing with perfectly unfocused flash, his legs and arms akimbo at every opportunity. And Etan Thomas is making better use of his left hand than a seventh-year boarding schooler.

The Wiz drive down the court, Arenas tosses the rock up to the machosensuous Christian Laettner, who, with his long hair and beard, looks every bit the friendly dorm RA, teaching the kids about Michael McDonald and where to get a good fake ID. Laettner makes a touch pass to the poetry-loving Etan Thomas, who completes a wicked-hard slam-dunk.

Washington fans are going wild, the Mavs look stunned, and the Wizards look fired up.

You'd expect the team's TV announcers, Steve Buckhantz and Phil Chenier, to be screaming positives about such a potentially tide-turning play.

Instead, Chenier merely says, "Now, now, Etan, don't hang on that rim."

The Mavs, perhaps subconsciously sensing the depression that shrouds the MCI Center like so much cold mist, ignore Thomas' dunk, start a fast break, and score an easy basket. Buckhantz immediately yells one of his signature lines--"Dagger!"--with such clinical purpose it sends shivers down your spine.

Meanwhile, it's a 12 to 10 game and we're four minutes into the first quarter.

But to Buckhantz it looks like the game's over. When the dagger is drawn, life is snuffed out. "Forget it, stop dreaming," he seems to be saying.

You immediately start to think, "Do my kids respect me? Would anyone even notice if I fell off the face of the earth? Is that pain in my side maybe a tumor?"

Darkness rises from deep inside Buckhantz's call. The stars are not wanted now; put out every one. Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.

All hope is quashed. Hope is humbug.

Ball game!

The preceding may not have happened exactly as we wrote it--we tend to have dramatic memories, and severe mental blackouts are common among our crew--but it is a spiritually accurate account of a typical Washington Wizards game as called by Steve Buckhantz and Phil Chenier, who have been paired together since 1997. Buck has 25 years of broadcasting experience; Chenier, the color man with fewer hues than an Ansel Adams retrospective, has been broadcasting for 18 years and was a member of Washington's last championship team--in 1978.

Together they make up the Basketball Brothers Grimm, a broadcast duo cloaked in a deep existential pall from viewing so many Wizards losses over the past 25 years that they cannot get excited about this year's nubile, pliant, and some might say moist Washington hoops club.

For example, take the November 19 game versus the Cleveland Cavaliers, which the Wiz won 106 to 95. Arenas scored 25 points, hitting four of eight three pointers. Instead of praising Arenas' touch behind the arc, all Buckhantz could muster was: "It's good to see those three-pointers falling for Gilbert. Lets just hope he doesn't fall in love with that shot."

The Wiz were leading!

Chenier is no better than his black-hearted partner. In a November 23 game against the Seattle Supersonics, the Wiz fought back in the 4th quarter to pull ahead for a second. It was a remarkable comeback considering Washington had its lowest-scoring first half in team history! Instead of celebrating the team's fortitude and plywood mentality of toughness, Phil says, "Yes, but they have to finish it!" Chenier said it like he knew they wouldn't--and they didn't, losing 88 to 85.

For Buckhantz and Chenier, the end is always nigh.

No one ever said that being a Bullets/Wizards fan is easy. Hope has forsaken these lands long ago. For the story of the Wizards fan isn't one about glory; it isn't a story about triumph and trophies, ESPN highlights, pedestals and parades. It's a story about pushing open the very heavy, groaning doorway that is life, and for all your flaws and failings, once again throwing yourself back through it like a mating-season salmon.

It's a story about past-their-prime free agents, trading away the future, and 10-day contracts. It's a story about medical marijuana, plantar fasciitis, Rod Strickland, Chico DeBarge, and the redemptive power of the half-smoke.

It is a story about overcoming odds--but mostly, it's a story about not overcoming odds.

Two years ago Michael Jordan came to town, and that all threatened to change. But MJ played Salieri to young Kwame's Mozart. He brought in his yes-men--his "mules," as he liked to call them--and he brought the weight of his insufferable narcissism, and so Abe Pollin asked Michael to leave the circle of friendship.

But this year's team is unburdened and dynamic, filled with potential and personalities. They are incredibly easy to root for, unless you are in the woebegone backcourt of Sturm Buckhantz and Drang Chenier.

With their melancholy offerings, they wait out games like a prison sentence. Their dialog is like a failing libido, with its pseudo-climaxes and nonarrivals, and their broadcasts are the equivalent of Waiting for Godot--and waiting for him in bad suits! (But why wait for Godot, anyway, when you have a sweating Kwame Brown in a tank top not 10 feet from your eyes?)

For like Godot's, Vladimir and Estragon, Steve and Phil are nearly without attributes: aging tramps locked in an aimless relationship, full of uncertainty about the purpose of their existence.

Perhaps Buckhantz and Chenier have simply waited too long for the Bullets/Wizards to be good. Estragon complains, "Nothing happens, nobody comes, nobody goes, it's awful."

So true, Comcast, so true!

So depressing are these broadcasts that you can image Buckhantz as poet Philip Larkin calling games:

"Etan grabs the rebound, though it means little. Phil, I work all day, and get half-drunk at night, waking at four to soundless dark, I stare. Rebounds? Pfft! Etan passes to Gilbert, who sets up the offense, but what will that mean in time, as the curtain edges will grow light? Till then I see what's really always there--Arenas shoots!--unresting death, a whole day nearer now, making all thought impossible but how and where and when I shall myself die, like that last shot: Arenas misses! Steve Nash grabs the rebound and passes up court to Antoine Walker who lays it in! Dagger!"

In English we have no single word to describe the mental state of these two sad sacks.

But foreign languages are better.

In Sweden they have a noun for the French word ennui that Buckhantz and Chenier embody: vemod, which means life in a chronic state of sadness. And no amount of Canadian Levitra can overcome the limp, burden-filled lives these two are half-living.

The fact is, we have the two most Swedish announcers in the entire league.

Our solution to fighting this chronic depression is to drink grain alcohol and wear headphones tuned to 980 AM while gathered around TVs at our local Circuit City. We love to listen to the radio broadcast by Dave Johnson, with his calls of "Ohhhhh, Rod, Rod, Rod, Rod, Rod!" and "Ham slam!" (which are odd because neither Rod Strickland nor Darvin Ham is with the team anymore).

Johnson has no place for dismal complaints, preferring to call the game with an unchecked homoerotic enthusiasm that rivals Tom of Finland. That's the way we run our Web site,

And that's the way Buck and Phil should call Wizards games on TV. Because this is a game of heaving, athletically glorious younger men in shorts. How can you not want them to rise up and dominate?

So perk up, fellas. This is one arousing team.

posted by Yurgi | | 1:19 PM



Gilbert Aereolas is our fave player ever this side of kWAme. Here's what he did while he was out beating up his stomach ailment:
--In the Wizards' game vs Orlando, Mr. Arenas, wearing the team's road blue uniform (at a home game), was ejected from the bench for swearing like crazy at a no-call. So he went and sat in the front row seats in the arena!!! During halftime he left MCI Center and never returned!!!
--Arenas, who did not accompany the Wizards on their recent road trip, wore his road jersey while watching games on TV at home!!! Wizznutzz do that too!! Nothing like a game-worn (and unwashed) Eackles or Chapman outfit to get you ready to scream for the team!
--Gil was sooo fired up while watching one of the Wizz road games that he got thrown out of a sports bar in Maryland. "They changed the channel and said I had to get out," Arenas said. I WONDER IF HE WAS AT TGIFRIDAYS IN BOWIE? Hot hangout!!! Ask Rod Strickland!!
--While punching stomach ailment in the stomach and coming back weeks earlier (try punching up your female Knee Jer Jer Binks Stackhosue!!!), Gilbert managed to sign a shoe contract with Adidas. Gil Aereolas LOVEs his fashionable kicks: he has sported throwback Bo Jackson sneakers, long distance track shoes and, in one game, changed his footwear three times in a half!!! We do that with our Hidi thongs while watching games! Our excitement knows nothing of bodily control!!!

Rasheed Crushes The Man aka Whitey!!! Says NBA is Plantation System!! So Tru, Mr. Drummond, So True!!! Meanwhile, our own The Man, the Washington Times' king of the convoluted column, the meandering metaphor, the grim grammar, Mr. Tom Knott, writes a response column to Sheed!!! He quotes bizarre and nonsensical section from the movie Marathon Man. Mr. Knott Knott is rockin' the Dustin Hoffman references!!! TOO HIP, HONKY!!!

More breaking news!! Later today we will post SUPRESSED expose of Steve Buckhantz and Phil Chenier that Washington City Paper killed!!! Why? Worried of Liabel? Lies? Gayness? YES!!!! SO TRU!!!

posted by Yurgi | | 7:51 AM

Wednesday, December 10, 2003  

All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling. To be natural is to be obvious, and to be obvious is to be inartistic.
SO TRUE OSCAR WILDE, SO TRU!!! We Live by this motto and credo!!!

It's so good to have our poets friends Sasha Frere-Jones and Dirty Uncle Pete Sweigard sending us poems, as you can see below in yesterday's entree. And it's so great that Wizard's Etan Thomases writes spoken-word poetry because muted-word poetry would be highly less edu-taining. According to this story, Etan Thomases' poemtry is "politically charged and deals with life in general."

IT'S GOOD TO DEAL WITH LIFE IN POEMS!!! Etan = Progenitator of a New Styleee!! LIVING EDUTAINMENT!!!
Here's Etan THomases at his First Poetry Slam! A WICKY WICKY WICKY, ETAN!!!! NICE TV!!!

And here Etan is called "poetic revolutionary with the tightness." TITE!!! NESS!!!

For think about it: Poetry is the breath life. As Sir Irving Layton sums it up with succientness and appropriate filth: "If poetry is like an orgasm, an academic can be likened to someone who studies the passion-stains on the bedsheets."

WE ARE ACADEMICS AT WIZZNUTZZ.COM (but you could tell by our incites and dirty drawers!!)

One of the poemtrys that Etan Thomases might read at event listed below in yesterday's blog entry, is called "Wasted Talent," which deals with a basketball player who never achieved his dreams.

WHOA! How dare Etan Thomases write a poem about the Manchild Kwame Brown even though they are still teammates and occassional dinner partners!!!! BUT WE STILL RESPECT YOU AND YOUR HOLIDAYS MR. THOMASES!!!!

Gilbert Beats Up Stomach Ailment!! Stackhouse Hosts Party on Female Knee!!

Gilbert Arenas was supposed to be out until January because he pulled stomach muscles hustling on court and while taking off shirt while leaving court, but because he's tough and machosensuous and slightly nutz he's gonna come back MAYBE next week! Meanwhile, Jerry Stackhouse and the female-to-male knee replacement operation he had a few days before season started despite signing huge contract extensio---while KNOWING he's had female knees for YEARS---isn't going to be back until "at least JANUary." Double meanwhile, the very same Jer Jer Binks von Limp hosts party at Flirt tonight while G-Wiz stays home and gently weeps!! How can Stack leave his flame-retardant and highly inflatable lifemate G-Wiz back at their 8 day rental in the Carolinas? Highly unusual for two people---excuse me, a person and a polypropelene suit with expertly placed fuzz---who have such a high profile relationship---one that the New York Post reported on---would NOT be together at The Flirt party!!!
Ah love!!! You foul beast!! Who could comment on such strange machinations in the nether regions and the nylon stitches better than William Shakespeare:
They do not love that do not show their love.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love.

G-Wiz you date an Evil Angel with a womanly knee and a decent jumper!!! ALAS!!!

Eddie Jordan Changes Diapers!! Considers Jahidi Thong as Alternative!!

Coach Eddie painted on his hair with Magnum Sharpie and went out to coach Wizz last night vs. Pacers, who are just too good for injury delpleted and party hosting Wizards!! Coach Eddie noticed discrepency of young lineup vs. mature Pacersand considers bowel movements of his team in the face of such advanced age: "That's a veteran team that knows how to win; they gut it out. Our guys fought but it looked like I had to change diapers after about four or five minutes at the end of the game because it looked like everyone on the floor was under 22"

Kwame in a diaper is an image I will never shake---nor will I want to.

posted by Jarkko | | 7:46 AM

Tuesday, December 09, 2003  


Etan Thomas blocks shots with the left and saves his write for prosely pursuits!

Who: Wizards Center Etan Thomas
What: DC Writers Corps Holiday Poetry Jam
When: Thursday, December 11, 2003, 6:30 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.

Where: The Josephine Butler Center, 2437 15th Street NW, Washington, DC

DIRTY PETE SWEIGARD HONORS ETAN with wordplay of his own:


Etan Thomas
Born on April Fool's Day

Jesus Christ
Born on Christmas

Would it sound funny to call April 1st, "Thomasmas?"

Enjoy Thomasmas beofre it become too commercial!!!!

Wizznutzz send love to
the very talentedSasha Frere-Jones

Sasha wrote us a spoken word uplifter:!!!!!

The capitol is like Activol, I take two and run into the wall
Make money money shoot three like Rush
So damn good all the towel boys blush
red like Sienna, glow like Kenna
drop a field goal and waltz like Vienna

hot damn!

Thats so awesome.
Sasha you gotta poetry slam ETAN and DIRTY PETE, edutainer, First Class!.

ALso props to the Chauncey Billups Blog!!!

In the words of Michael Jordan:
"We still respect your Mr Pollin, Mr Jones, Chauncey"!!!

WASHINGTON POST STEVE WYCHE couldnt get a date last night so he wrote his

"Will he ever get better? "
"Guys don't peak when they're his age. You have to be patient."
"You've got to hold on by your fingernails. Maybe it will come."
"Consistency, we all know, has been his Achilles' heel."

This piece ha s more dimensions than Ty LUE!!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:47 PM

Monday, December 08, 2003  

Wizards marketing slogan "Pure Energy" not just hot air from the master motivator gums of Brutus O'Malley!
And those gums have an agent!

Kwames personal slogan "Intimate Energy" on full display!

Some wiz links of extreme interest:

Mitch The Cowbell Tolls for Thee!!
Sacremento retires Mitch Richmonds Jersey!!!!
We loved Mitch when he played in a bullets uniform! he reminded me of an older Mitch Richmond!

Wizards point guard Brevin Knight had a little moonlighting to do when the team was in Memphis for Friday night's game against the Grizzlies. Knight, who played for the Grizzlies from 2001 through the end of last season, helped his wife Deena tend to the children's furniture store, Bellini, they own in East Memphis.

Visit Brevins store here!
See Brevins personal bed here!

Washington Post Reveals Washington has been stuffing the Phone Booth like a fraternity prank!!

Basically giving away tickets to re-adjusting convicts and recovering addicts! Its true! read for yourself.
Upper deck of home games resembles Ten Bells Pub of Jack the Rippers London!!!
Seedy and smirched, these forasaken upper decks Be!
Ever since Rod Strickland left town these seats have been empty because he had a charity group called "Rod Squad", poor kids with good fashion that he sold his personal tickets to for 20% off. Sold tickets in packages to hide profits, most popular offering was "2 Tickets, 2 large cokes, 86 Half SMokes". Kids and Rod both benefitted!
Rod and Chico Debarge raised these inner city scamps like the Lost Boys from Mad Max 3, taught them what they needed to know. Sometimes took the DUCKWAGON (edutainment charity vehicle) without persmission to hang out in Bowie.
But Duck not chairtable when he would find out!!!

And also in the news:

Bobby Simmons, dubbed "Phantom of the Opera" by Richardson, was fitted for a plastic protective mask after suffering a broken nose Thursday in practice. But he ditched it a few minutes into the morning shoot-around, saying he couldn't breathe with it on, and made his first start as a Clipper without it. "It's not comfortable at all," said Simmons, who had six points and three rebounds in 28 minutes. But he said he would get it adjusted to fit better and that he planned to wear it for about a month.

Have a LOOK!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:48 PM

Saturday, December 06, 2003  

L Boogie comes in spurts !!!

Almost heartbreaking loss to the Billy Brewers up in Milwaukee, but Larry Hughes, who Phil Chenier said has "spurts' (much like Dana said Rod Strickland had, but usually only once a night due to 2 for 1 Elevensies he loved so at TGIFridays!) , scored about a bazillion points, which means our fantasy team did extrememly well and the WIZZ WON in over the time!!!

If these lose I have to get sad drunk. Because they about to win I get happy drunk!! Either way, Pearl Vodka, I call you Momma No!!!

KWAME GOT A POSITIVE DAGGER FROM BUCKHANTZ!!! (Hold off on Happyhappy Joyjoy for a week there, Buck, while the City Paper manhandles our piece about your negativity!!) Thee Black Jesus of Hardwood just bombed a 2 pter in OT and he's nearly close to career high. (I'm close to career high too, mostly due to PEARL VODKA!!!)

C Whit did not play one minute tonight (posbbile Plantar Fascittis flare up?) and Brevin "Mini Manute" Knight played backup to the White Shadow Rat, Steve Blake. Excellent game fellas! You even gave Buck and Phil a presidential salute!! WOODROW WILSON IN THE HIZZO!!!!

AHHH, there's the darkness!! Buck, with 5 seconds left in OT and wizz have ball and are up 114 to 109, says, "The Wizards have made this entireliy too close." NEgative Nabob of Negativism, welcome home!!!

And what happens? In bound to Juanita Dixon Jordan, who rubs on antibacterial lotion and polypropelene gloves before ball arrives, catches dirty rock, and dribbles out 5 seconds STANDING STILL!!! for wizz win. Buck, need s drink!!! PEARL VODKA OPENS ARMS, GIVES MOTHERING HUT KISSES!!!

posted by Jarkko | | 11:16 PM

Friday, December 05, 2003  


But Wizards get out of dodge, go south for shelter, hoops, and $5 ***jobs from Hubie Browns wife.
$10 gets you full release "Dementor's Kiss"!!!!!!!!!

Wiz in memphis where Pow Gasol is laughing at us.

You know what I find really fuuny Pau Gasol???!!
How when Philip II sent his "invincible" "Armada" to invade England in 1500 somethinhg , but England sank thjose boats, and cost Spain its spremacy on the seas anmd then how Spain then sank rapidly to being a second-rate power under the rule of weak Hapsburg kings, and never again playd a major role in Europaen poiltics!!!!

Your tall Grizzly confidence is papery at treuth, outright Hapsburgian!

"They'll leave with respect," promised starting center Lorenzen Wright

Lorenzen WRONG with a double down HAMSLAM !!!


Tonight Bonzi Wells aka Rasheed's Lifemate debuts new kinder, gentler agression with Grizzlys.

Rasheed stressed from media attention, spot on head grows wider and whiter.

Leaves following threat on Tom Knotts answering machine:

Sheeds not to be fucked with, or played with
Fuck the grizlly hoes, I love PCity breeze
Hittin threes, Twistin wigs with
Fat radical mathematical type weed
Fuck the marines, I got machines
To light the spliff, and read Mad magazine
My head holes up like Mini Daddy Warbucks
Wreck ya glock my locks clock like wayward flocks
Look I'm not a half way crook with a boys freckles
But I may murder your case like your name was L Eackles

I breaks em up proppa!


From that Oregonian article we linked yesterday, I only just noticed this poignant moment:

"Wells was Wallace's No. 1 sycophant. He's Wallace's headbanded sidekick. And by breaking up that duo, the Blazers busted up a budding mutiny......

As they were leaving the practice facility Wednesday, the morning of their final shootaround together, Wells and Wallace saw Ruben Boumtje Boumtje shooting jump shots some 100 feet away with his back turned to them.

Wallace slapped Wells on the back and said, "Watch this." Then he picked up a ball, reared back and fired a 100-foot, baseball-style strike that left Boumtje Boumtje writhing the floor. Trainers were summoned. After a few scary minutes, Boumtje Boumtje walked off, OK. "

See Boomshay writhe. Writhe Boomshay , writhye!!!

But Ruben BJ BJ has one of the great names of North African Jewery!

But all the best bibilical names come through Washington,
Like God Shamgodd, and Jahidi, and Darvin HAM and Popeye Jones.

And these people agree, as do these.

Wizznutzz give love to Anthony from manhattan aka Mike McD!!!
For in his "sportsfilter" profile, Mike McD reveals:

"In basketball I root for the Bullets (I refuse to call them the Wizards) an absolutely backwards franchise if there is one. I actually went to games when they used to play at the Cap Center in Landover. I saw some truly horrific games. Games where Ledell Eackles was their go-to guy. Ledell Eackles ... the dude was like 6-5 300lbs playing shooting guard. Easily the fatest shooting guard I've ever seen in the NBA. Just incomprehensible. "

Just awesome writing, and an Awesome memory that Mike will have with his his whole life no matter what path he takes!!!!

But Mike must be a chaser in training if
A) he thinks Ledell was ever 300 pounds and
B) If he therefore felt incomprehensible passion to pay to watch him in shorts and mock turtleneck.

What made Ledell so effective was that he was 6-5 but those inches were distributed unusually so he was hypnotic with head seemingly just sitting on his shoulders disguising the guiles of his misporoprtionately long limbs.
And extremities of all walks!

Check out the awesome Jarvis Hayes dunk from the orther night.
Here and here is slo mo.

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:35 PM

Thursday, December 04, 2003  

Speacial Grilled Strickland Edition!!

One of things I did in Romania as child, other than traveling by caravan, was to read NBA box scores from old newspapers my family resell across countryside. I grew to love a player you all know, love, the Rod Strickland of MatchGame fame. He have tales of half-smokes and full blunt smokes and (allegedly) other kinds of smokes that we not know what mean (pole?) but that Dana von Postgame Call-In Show Girl tell me about. Dana is my intern predeccssor and legend in Wizznutzz Chevy Chase offices (holes in walls everywhere! surprising for such a small girl! Watch out enemies of Zapatista rebels! Vincente fOX, COVER your chest with polypropelene! Dana can punch through skin and bones!!!).

But Rod kick around league last few years and he have injured buttocks in Minnesota last year (bruising, lancing, icing, more lancing, more optional lancing with all lancing offered taken up on). But this year Rod not have team and he wait to see "Hey, which worst team in league need my guiding hand? After all I sixth alltime in assists in NBA and that was me playing with one hand on ball, one on pizza slice and other on foxy lady in front row."

So Orlandos Magic, 17 games in a row losers now and starring Lil' Lue of Tyronn of Wizzards Ex!!! sign Rod. Here a story about Rod signign , who still Wahsington DC area resident (by "area resident" I surely mean Bowie, MD, near TGIFriday parking lot.). Rod says "It's kind of hard to find a pick-up game of any caliber out there, but I think I'm in pretty good shape." Diets of Half Smokes and elevensies at TGIFridays lunch breaks 2 for 1 offers of rail drinks does work! CAll Dr. Atkins !!!

But here is counteracitng story which we will quote liberally since requires registrantion and has more popups than a teenage Kwame in the morning!!
Three hours and 15 minutes after practice began Sunday morning, Drew Gooden and Steven Hunter still were working on low-post, scoring moves.
Gordan Giricek was shooting at the other end of the gym. Rod Strickland was walking gingerly as he came out of the weight room, obviously fatigued.

Hes' tired cause he have bruised buttocks and lifts ONE HANDED, whitey!! Rod always has one hand on bar, one hand on grill. Keep in mind next time you write FATIGUE and ROD in same sentence.

But Rod says something untrue much as hard for me to dissent from Asisists #6 AllTime leader disher outer: He says "that. Look at the East; there are no great teams. " UMMMMM, WHAT ABOUT THE WASHINGTON WIZAREDS, Rood? Are you mad because Mitchell Butler refused your pickup advances? And you mad because no one on team play in your pickups? Think about words before actions o0f mouth, Rod. We love you MOSDEF but we love Wizz moer.

Sorry for turn toward the dark there at end. I love.

News Channel 8 Links to !! They descirbes us here as "Humor driven site covering the Washington Bullets and Wizards NBA franchises" and rank us #12 . Humor? Whatever! We prefer INCITES, thx, cable channel! And also think about this and chew: WE RANK #1 WE RANK NONSTOP!! WE RANK FULL STOP!!! Also, for some reason we turn up in "maryland wife swapping" web site. WELCOME SWINGERS!

posted by Yurgi | | 8:08 PM


Wizznutzz article on the dark moribund cloud that hangs over my Comcast box delayed till next week!
Pick up a copy of the Washington City Paper late next week for wonderfully repurposed incites!

Not much happening today, unless of course you are foremr Wizard Ratko Varda and are being hunted by the Yugoslavian Interpol, who want you for mandatroy service requirement and to bring your special western knowledge and gentle smile to bear in defeating the Albania terrorists!!!

But Ratko has reupped in Greece for Apollon Axaia Clauss Patras (GRE-A1) where he can live out his dream of playing alongside someone called "Moscovitis" and not killing Albanians. T

The very word "Moscovitis" makes Juan Dixon reach for the antibacterial pummice!!!

The Wizards Plane!
Where Michael jordan called his teammates "Faggots" and "Mules" and where chirstian laettner prepares his machosensual hair and Tracy Murray had intercourse with Rod Strickland castoffs.
GWiz cannot travel by plane, because he decompresses.
All his vacations are handled by RIDE-ON(tm).
GWiz Owns timeshare in Aspen Hill shopping center, 8 DAYS a year, not customary seven. COINCIDENCE????

Meanwhile Don Becker takes time out from photographing an older Shavar Ross in a tarzan outfit, to take more alluring and legalshots of wiz dance team, if you are into such things!

A white man from Oregon says Bonzi was traded to break up the modern day Bonnie and Clyde of Wells and Wallace.

Mourns Rasheed on new rap single, "Bonzi and Sheed 2003"

Look for me, young B,
cruisin down the west side highway
doin what we like to do our way,
Cuz Bonz be a rida, and I'm a rolla

Put us togetha, how they gon stop both us?
Whateva he lacks, I'm right over his shoulder
When I'm off track Bonz is keepin me focused
So let's lock this down like it's supposed to be

All I need in this life of sin is me and my Bonzi(me and my
Down to ride till the very end, it's me and my Bonzi(me and My

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:25 PM

Wednesday, December 03, 2003  

The Wiz in preseason form!!
Blake and Dixon make it worth watching with their "Balls-in-Motion" style of collegiate twin-speak.
Undersized and overconfident guards underfoot! The scamps!

Steve Wyche says:
The Washington Wizards looked like one of those poor field reporters sent to cover a hurricane with a $5 umbrella.

I say they frustrate opponents like a dog in a game of beach cricket! And Dogs dont even have thumbs!

Juan Dixon is the antispetic Ricardo Tubbs of 'tween guards, so why isnt he considered one of "10 Best Dressed Shorter Men in America". ???
Polypropelyne doesnt wrinkle and it whisks germy moisture away from the skin!

"We were out of bullets tonight," Coach Eddie Jordan said. "We didn't knock shots down. We turned the ball over. We played as hard as we could play. We made mistakes. . . . We just didn't have enough."

Not true Eddie. Maybe the fumes from the double-wide sharpie that you use to apply your hairstyle with has clouded your brain but we have 2 Bullets left:

Mitchell Butler AND Chris Whitney. Low caliber but effective from point blank range!

Speaking of Bullets, ShaqPenis speaks out about the madness of former Bullet and currently stout Scott Skiles:
I beat his butt. I beat his butt. You know because he's little, he charged me, and I hit him with a [O'Neal demonstrates a one-two combo].''
O'Neal said Skiles showed him something that day.
"It showed me that he was crazy,'' O'Neal said.

Wizznutzz give respect to MJ Darnell
"Something about Kwame Brown makes me want to root for him."
That something is your sexuality. DONT DENY YOURSELF!!!

But in same breath, Wizznutzz declare Holy War on Kevin Broom, who believes he has "The unyielding truth" about Kwame Brown.
Kevin Broom is an unyielding cloaca!!!! Google that Johnny Broomstein!
10 minutes in a locked motel room with KBrown may make you rethink what "soft" and "flat" really mean, KBroom.

Former Washington beat writer and espn manly man Ric Bucher really really rips into Sheed!
Ric threw the first stone! It takes a man to throw the first stone, just like it takes a man to refill a medical marijuana prescription at a outer Portland People's Pharmacy!

And finally, Baltrimore Sun takes on Larry Hughes. He may be short on emotion, but long is his enigma. We call him LBoogie, but after reading this article, we also call hjim:
"Mr Spock"
"Cold Mountain"
and "Rage Ghost"

posted by WizzNutzz | | 7:03 PM

Tuesday, December 02, 2003  

Wizz is are playing terrible in Dallas vs. Dallas, but around 5/6 minute mark of third period Jar Jar Binks Hayes just threw down a massive dunk that made me mess my beard!!!!!!!!!!!!

posted by Yurgi | | 10:13 PM

Sunday, November 30, 2003  

Wizz lose to Pistons Dancers, the Classy Chassies, big time with Etan Thomas out with flu and poetry even though Brenda Haywood has best game EVER as pro!!! (23 points, 11 rebounds).

Buckhantz on the streaking (non-nude) Brendan Haywood: "If he makes the freethrow, Phil, we're going to have to check his saliva!"

Please explain spit examine request, Oh Devil Child of Depression? Can't Brenda just be good 2night? Does he have to have supersonic saliva with hops and rebounds? Does he have to have been possessed by The Cloven Hoof and tinged with overwhelming of the sadness like yourself Buckhantz? Mr. Chenier, you should have loioked up from your gin and tonic and vodka and said something. But no, all you could mumble was, "Now now, Etan, now now."

This is why Gilbert's Areolas is the BESTEST Wzzard EVER!! He's injured with severe stomach wound, his guts spilling into team provided sweat gear, but he's still a part of this game, this game, this life, this this universe, this Tao of basketball---think about it. For instance when Coach Eduardo Jordan yelled something dirty in Spanish at the referees he got a technical foul. Rip Hamilton of Pistons went to shoot T free throw and There's GILBERT WAIVING A WHITE TOWEL TO DISTract RIp!!!! College style! Elementary school style!!! Heeeeey batter batter, SWING BATTER BATTER!!!

Then you know how Gilbert takes off his jersey after every game and gives it to some sweat-starved fan as he leaves court? He handed his PERFECTLY CLEAN and unmoist sweat top WIZZ issued to a fan as he left!!! Abe Pollin must rubs his pocketbook, his worrystone and his Steve Blake bobblepants after each game, seeing Gil fritter money away like that!

Gil Areolas is our presidential choice in 2005!!!

posted by Jarkko | | 8:52 AM

Saturday, November 29, 2003  

Wizz vs. Pistons 2night!!! Wizznutzz two fave teams!!! MOST PLIANT!!!!

We here at Wizz Nutz cEntral have big satellite dish beam in broadcast so we hear before and after commerical and pregame chat of Buckhantz and Chenier and we TiVo it and play it backwards and transvribe it for you, and results SHOCKING. Like Devil in grooves. Darkness riseth!!! In Fridith!!!

Buckhantz: "Bewapzz nagee tolo rof for noth The Cloven Hoof doth though sendest to my aching soul a shock that no man, woman or Manchild can prevent. The NBA is under control of the Order of the Trapezoid, and David Stern is on the Council of Nine. May the Left-Hand Path forever keep Greg Ostertag in the NBA. "

Holy Bride of Satan! We know where the Boyz darkness comes from!!

This is breaking news story, and Wizznutss have been copntracvted by Washington City Paper to write up details of Sturm und Drang of Buckhantz/Chenier partnership and their underlying depression and what the Swedish people call vermund, or living with sadness. We have most Swedish annoucners in whole league because of 30 years of losing.

Some leftover thoughts from Seattle game of last week:

Seattle of Supersonics Brent Barry is Christian Laettner West minus the machosensuous good looks and the no hops.

Former Wizz draft pick Calvin Booth (37TH overall in 1999) has the name "Cal" tatooed on his arm in cursive. Because hee likes the Golden Bears? Hmm myseteries.

Here;'s the sorts of incites that you can only get at GIL Aereolas changed his sneakers at halftime during Seattle game!!! Look at lowlights of first half: Mr. Arerolas was wearing lowcut black sneaks. After half Gil conformed with white sneakes with sox and ankles supports!! We discussed and we think Abe Pollin had Smithers call in and ask Gil to "clean up act, sneaks, Steve Blake."

Oh christy all mighty! After Kwame Jesus had that alleyoops slam at 7 min makr of 3rd quarter WizzNutzz Red Phone got collected call from Xiapias region of Mexico from DANA Postgame callin Show Girl, former Wizznutzz itnern who is fighting with Zapatistas rebels alongside Chicao Debarge and former WTEM 980 host Ken Beatrice who is keeping stats and scouting reports on enemies!!! Dana said DirectTv NBA Kwamepass has given her and he mates---Juan, Chico, Larry the Blade---unprecidented mountainous access to thwe Wizzards and the Kwame slam made them all Stand up and CHEER and fire rifles in air and Dana exploded smoke bomb in Ken's pant's (allegedly) and she's singing, "All praise Manchild! Lamb of God! Bright light in northern sky! Set course by the Nubile Pliancy of the Brown One of Kwames!" TOO TRUE DAANA!!

Wizzz fought back in 4th quarter to pull ahead for a second! Instead of celebrate sensational comback and fortitude and plywood mentality of toughess, Phil says, "Yes, but they have to finish it!" Then after a sensimillia sensational dunk by Etan Thomas at 8 min mark of 4th, I mean SENSATIONALIMILLIA, Phil says, "Careful now, Etan, careful."

Why not just tell Etan he nneds a time out and should cut his hair and wear a suit and get a real job? Phil You Republican!!!

posted by Jarkko | | 7:07 PM

Tuesday, November 25, 2003  

What a Day! The Strickland signing has given me a very visible sense of purpose!!

Jahidi White Tribute Page Is Up!!!!

We hope the people of Phoenix enjoy our droll companion.
He'll be alongside old friend Tom Gugliotta, who shares his thoughts on all sorts of tantalizing topics here.
Whats your secret Googs"??!! You may have an old body, but you write like a man half your age!

The Chicago Bulls look like they are going to give the reigns to former Bullets Scott "Loc Groundrunner" SKiles!!!
Read the Story here.

But Phoenix Suns players (Et Tu Hidi?) claim that Scott can be "overbearing", "nitpicking" and once rubbed Sean Marion the wrong way! Scott Skiles is also a model Chaser!!! Good to see you back on your stout little legs and back in the game Scotty!

Gilbert Arenas leaves it all on the court the other night, including perhaps his colon! Gilbert day to day, or a day to day earlier than day to day.

Hold the Phone Jesus!
Gilbert severley injures his stomach!!!! Gilbert and Stackhouse now most formidable injured backcourt in the league!

Man the day was so good with the Rod signing and now so dark.
The world is a mystery. The ups and the downs, like the wizards played the other night it Seattle: it was a 2 edged taoist coin!
We Look for Juan Dixon to take many many shots, not counting the usual antibiotic ones.

Can can jarvis Hayes step it up? Or has he already hit the rookie wall? Or rather slid into it on the ytrail of garlic sauce and onions that follows him everywhere he goes. WE BELIEVE IN YOU JARVIS! AND DIGESTION!!

Maybe Jarvis's mind is elsewhere because his Father James is suing filthy telestratist Eddie Fogler over at CBS for writing the words "Better With Bacon" on James head with the telestrator during a timeout.
Its not clear what effeect this will have on young Bangers and Mash.
But it is clear that all the Hayes men have names that start with J.
Is this like Roger Celemns and his KKK sons? Does James admire the Silky J that much?
Or is he like MacBeth and Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!??

Wizznutzz love you Jimi Izrael!!!
For your passion and your Z!!
Though maybe our ethno-populist homoeroticism does not please the Izraelites!!!
But The wizznutzz have walked in black shoes and white shoes. JUST LIKE Gilbert Arenas!!!
We fight racism AND narcissism, especially the racial narcissizms of Michael Jordan!!!

Thanks to the fanm who defended Ira Newble. But thanks for nothing!
Etan fights injustice with poetry, not curses or thrown basketballs!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 7:27 PM



Orlando Magic "go there", sign ROD!!

Breaking beer bottles in a TGIFridays parking lot with Chico Debarge just "wasn't the same as a regular civilian" says master Point Guard.

Little known fact, Chico DeBrage wrote a song for the Police Academy 4 soundtrackl!!!
And it wasnt called "Hightower COmes Home"

Rod asks Chico to Pen a DEAR NBA letter on his behalf to announce his return:


Is the love still good (Still good, baby)
Is the love still good (Still good, baby)
Still good, baby (You gotta know)

You know I'm free
Out on parole
Just got my papers, honey
I'm really home

So what's going on, suga
How is your life, baby

It's so good to be back
You're still fine as the day we met
Oh, I heard you got babies, that's cool
Do they play at the park where we used to make love after dark

I didn't know
I was your first
I was your soldier, baby
Everything real

Got so much, baby
I could offer you
I'm a man, not the boy that I was
So why gamble with life in the streets when I got you at home, baby

Is the love still good (Oh, baby)
Is the love still good (Still good, baby)
Still good, baby (Wanna know, baby, gotta know, baby)

I still remember every night in your basement
There in the dark, we made love
Your lovin' was so sweet, reminiscin'
We got much time, baby, to catch up, oh, lady
So let's take our time, baby

Get to know each other all over again
I'm not the same boy, I'm a man, lady lover
Oh, lover, lover
Oh, baby, do you still wind it up like you used to back in the day?

Welcome back with all our love! Its gonna be a great year!


posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:49 PM

Friday, November 21, 2003  

It's 4 am and I'm drunk and Finnish, but our good friend of the Wash Times Tom Knott is positively blowing my Nordic mind with this column on Etan Thomas. No one can twist sentence better than The Knot. No one can write list column better than The Tom. No one can make less sense but be more more poetic in his process than The Gnotty One. Here's to you Tom Knott. When the Times is defunct you have place to write confusing prose RIGHT HERE at!!! Here;s The T Not's concluding line: "Here's to Thomas. The hair, too." I DO NOT KNOW WHAT MEANS! MORE VODKA PLEASE B ARTENDER!!!!

I watching a Jessica Simpson video right now (MY pants are on!!! AND UP!!!) and she's b lowing my mind too. Not because she because she foxy dumbass. Because in video shes playing with BARBEQUE MEAT WITH PLENTY OF SAUCE and lying on floor and singing into HIGH HEEL SHOE! TRUE STORY!! Tom Knott meet Jess Simps!!!!!!

Outkast video on now. I like "Hey Now." Dre 3000 is one slick dude. I remember when Prince was this sweet and I go into Helsinki and buy picture discs of "When Doves Cry" and look at Prince sit in bathtub for hours, wondering if doves do in fact cry and if Darling Nikki would consider dating a Finn.

Can I say that I not be in Washington long but I think Gil Areolas is the bestest Wizzz player EVER this side of Eackles and The Rex of Chpman? TRUE! He's great trash talker too! Here what Gil Are say about L.A. Lakers: "They're old, so hopefully, we can run them to death." KOBE IS 100 Years old now, no doubt!! RUN GIL RUN!!!

posted by Jarkko | | 4:38 AM

Thursday, November 20, 2003  

Wizards Roll over Cavs!
"booz is the key to our success" says kevin ollie!

COurtside interview with Bernie Bickerstaff , Charlotte Bobcats new coach. Butterstaff says of NBA realignment: "I think the Wizards are the class of the division"!

Borthers grim Chenier and Buckhantz pessimistic morsels:

Buckhantz: "Its good to see those 3 pointers falling for Gilbert. Lets just hope he doesnt fall in love with that shot"
Chenier (after a thundering Etan Thomas dunk):--silence---BEAT PAUSE --- "now dont hang on that rim Etan"

"Following Juan Dixon's 3-pointer for an 89-82 lead with 5:47 left, Thomas and Ira Newble bumped each other under the boards. Thomas pushed Newble and Newble retaliated by throwing the ball at him. Both players received technicals.

"I went to box him out and I boxed him out hard and I guess he didn't like it," Newble said. "If you're going to be a man in the beginning, be a man the whole time. Don't get mad because someone retaliated. He'd been doing that to the other guys all game."

Thomas said he didn't have a problem with Newble."

Ill say it again!
Etan Thomas has the mind of a poet, and the body of an athlete.


posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:57 PM

Wednesday, November 19, 2003  

The Wizards put on a zesty show the othe rnight in atlanta!!!! LBoogie is so upright! He has springs for legs, and tatoos of legs on his arms!!

Gilbert Aerolas is fearless!!

Does he not remind one of a former court general, one mister Ledell Eackles??!!!
Both are aweless and lawless, brassy distrubtors of the round ball, both are slashers, and both have the posture of a old stout bellhop!

The best part of the game for me was having the ATlanta broadcast team call the game, on acocunt of my direct TV NBA KWAMEPASS.

Thse guys were so delightful! They called all the players by their first names! Theo! Etan! Gilbert!
They made a point of praising Kwmaes excellent defense.
They were cheerful and playful, like Tom Knotts metaphor puppies come to life!
So refreshing!!!, and such a nice change from Sturm Chenier and Drang Buckhantz with their melancholy offerings, and their waiting out the game like it was a prison sentence, waiting for something to happen to lift them out of their prison of peat swamp pessimism, their dialgoue, like their failing erections, with its pseudo-climaxes and non arrivals is like waiting for GODOT, and wiaitng for him in bad suits.!!!

Why wait for Godot when you have a sweating Kwame Brown in a tank top not 10 feet from your eyes!

You know, to them they have waited too long with the bullets and wizards. Like in Waiting for Godot when the guys says : "Nothing happens, nobody comes, nobody goes, it's awful," SO true COmcast, so true!!!

Fresh meat please!!!
For Steve and Phil are nearly withuot attributes, aging tramps locked in a lovehate relationship and full of uncertainty about the time, place and purpose of their existence.

As Mister Buckhantz might say:
"Etan grabs the rebound.... Phil, I work all day, and get half drunk at night, waking at four to soundless dark, I stare. -- Etan passes out to Dixon. Dixon sets up the offense... In time the curtain edges will grow light. But Until then I see what's really always there: Dixon shoots! Unresting death, a whole day nearer now. Making all thought impossible but how and where and when I shall myself die. Dixon misses! Ratliff passes up court to Jackson who lays it in! DAGGER!"

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:38 PM



I'm fed up of being force fed to my gils like a goose on the Jarvis Hayes farm with Lebron James and ESPN and the way they dance like a couple of over ripe retirees in a convention hall.
Its not the kind of intimacy a young heart wants to think of!!!
SportsCenters 10 plays of the week last night had 5 lebron highlights, and he only made 6 field goals! And when he blew a layup that was put back by a team mate, the sycophantic colorists suggested you "could practically give Lebron an assist on that one." Gilbert ARena gets his assists the less popular way by passing it to people!!!

Also, what kind of name is LeBron?
Its a KITSCH name is what it is. Its nouveau. Its GAY!
Its as Kitsch as the Grand Revival Tiara Poster Beds and italiantate pool tables that LeBorn and his LeMom are no doubt outfitting their new manses this very minute.
"LeBron" is a lot of pressure to put on a young inner city kid. Jesus, what if he had been a refrigerator repairman?

Heres the Lebron family crest. "Follow reasons."

"Moize LeBrun settled in Rhode Island in 1686 " OF COURSE HE DID, his damn name MOIZE!!

But thats Not LeBron exactly, LeBron has TWO CAPITAL LETTERS! ITS FANCIER!

LeBron's mother Gloria wanted her son to have everything she could never have: a nice car thatbhe paid for and a gay name!

Jimi Izrael defends Missus LeKitsch here.

"Sociologist Anne Rawls theorized that black Americans have a distinct and separate sense of self and community and within that socialization are born modes of relishing success that white Americans take to be garish, ostentatious, immodest or even pathological.
Some white folks think something is wrong with us whenever we celebrate our children, I guess because they think we smack our kids up and down the house or light up a crack-pipe with them to celebrate a job well done. "

What kind of name is "jimi izrael"?? Its a politcal name is what is. and SUPER gay! HOLLA!

Many of my friends are white folks, and plenty of them light up a crack-pipe to celebrate a job well done!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:14 PM

Monday, November 17, 2003  

Happy Birthday Elvin Hayes!!!!
Some biographical information on this droll legend can he found here.

Not all chairty spokesman are created equal so Support Elvins Doodle for Hunger Initiative!!!!

A moving portrait of Wes and Elvin here. You can really feel the humanity, the moisture. It takes you there, it feels like such real life, yet at the same time, you know you can never be there, because the image isnt moving and it is black and white.

A Great old basketball card of elvins here. Check out Jo Jo White! His eyes light up at the size of that Giant Ball that VANN Williford got a hold of. JoJo is thinking "where did you get that super ball , VANN! "
You just dont get quality Japes on thoie cards these days! I myself would gladly give up the hologram and foil stuff to see Courtney Alexander with his Lester Doll !

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:41 PM

Friday, November 14, 2003  

Much fallout from the rumble in the paint!

Gilbert Arenas wants to exact STREET JUSTICE!!!

Gilbert Arenas "dances to a different drum", but not the Haitian drums of Samuel Delambert , with his undead vodoun bloodthirsty elbows akimbo.

WIzznutzz cast a defixio curse on you Samuel!
You are setting back the haitian image 100 years. Woodring Saint Preux would suggest "you start by reprogramming your mind and believing that YOUR CONDITION IS NOT PERMANENT" ----- for you are a bee in the JAR! Philospher!

Another philosopher, coach Eddie Jordan spoke of his vision:

"There's a street and at the end of the street is the common goal, to win an NBA championship," Jordan explained. "Like every street there's a dotted line down the middle. Some guys walk that line straight and narrow. Some guys have a personality where they're up and down but they're still in the borders.
"Some guys are touching the edges. You go past the edge I've got to do something. . . . "

Thats why I just see a street and Eddie is coach of world caliber sports team!

Mr Drummonds Payroll Gives Back, in the form of hot meats, to the Infirm and Confused.
Awesome Thanksgiving Event last week. Check out the photos.
In this one Abe Pollin has a conversation with a plate of turkey he believes to be Mitchell Butler!

Best Public Relations sentence of the young season:
Accustomed to dishing out highlights, Wizards players Kwame Brown, Mitchell Butler, Brendan Haywood, and Brevin Knight served an assist of a different kind Wednesday afternoon at MCI Center.

What highlights would those be that they are used to dishing out?, the highlights of Mitchell and Brendan hiding Brevin's mouthguard on the bench?

We only kid Brendan because he is ALL STAR MATERIAL!!! VOTE NOW!!!!
Brendan Haywood for allstar!!!!

Rex Chapman may be the Associations go to throat!
20 years from now, adults will be nostalgic, and say: "The sounds of rex chapman in my head as I fall asleep at night, THAT, was childhood for me"
WELCOME TO MY WORLD, adults of tomorrow!!!!

The joy we have for Robert Pack is matched only with the injustice suffered by DOug Overton!

This Day in BUllets History!!
Forward Gus Johnson scores 41 Pts and center walt Bellamy adds 40 as the Bullets beat the lakers 127 to 115, Nov. 14, 1964!!!!

And finally

Gilbert Arenas and thje Blue Meanie
CHeck out the new ever despearte batch of dopplgangers!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:21 PM

Wednesday, November 12, 2003  

La Grand Bouffe!

Thats great poem. Lets hope Jahidi finds his wings in Phoenix. The thing I loved most about Jahidi White, was not merely his elephantine size, but how proudly he carried it. Jahidi was not fat, he was generous. He wasnt potbellied, but prosperous. There are the shame-waisted and then there are those whose bulging ways are a sign of success and luxury. His waistline is universal. The universal deluge of the human condition!!!!!
Its whats makes having a Vietnamese manservant so profoundly different from just hanging around in the shadows with vietnamese boys.
Goodluck fertile moominpapa!

SO- how fuin is this team?! Man this team is so fun,
but you would never know it from Steve Buckhantz and Phil Cheniers play by play.
Gone are the "DAGGER!" and "BACKBREAKER!" Buckhantz would typically yell during a six-to-four game, in its place something eqaully despondent.
SNuglled under the broadcast bench with his mate Chenier, it didnt take but 2 minutes for Buckhantz to proclaim:
"OUCH! That hurts".
2 minutes later, again, "OUCH! That hurts."
And then the telecast began!!!!

Not since "Reindeer Games" Have i been subjected to so much Hokey and Grim! And Phil, if your werent so riddled with Canadian Levitra, you would not stand for Stev-"I believe its "Dey-lam-bayer"-Buckhantz " correcting you on your french. The Buckbeak never played in the association, and he wears a pigmask!

What about the frabnchise high 3s? The franchise high D? The franchise himself, the Very Revered K Brown draining threes like steve blake in a back-alley bag of empty tuna cans?

What about that line on Gilbert, his aerioli swollen lilke his box score? Jarvis getting career highs? Etan making better use of his left hand than a year 7 boarding schooler!?

This team is sodamn loveable. Even garbage time is fun, and I have lived a life of garbage to know it!!!!.

Jared Jeffries and his Monchichi pucker, Juianita Dixon Jordan losing his parents, and battling expectations and germs; The first year coach with his offense and his principles and his confident bangs. Sister Christian Laettner - the friendly RA in the dorm, teaching the kids about Michael McDonald and where to get a good fake ID.


Also Readers!! We need some nicknames for the new guys!!!!
Like Steve Blake. ALl we got is:


Tom Knott, the magician of the homology and sports voice for the Our God Daily has another impressively cryptic piece on the wizards.

: The Wizards are not following the script that was trotted out after the keepers of Michael Jordan's flame spent the summer bathing themselves in tears.

: These Wizards are playing like overeager puppies, their boundless spirit both useful and counterproductive. In their haste to be loved, they are liable to knock over a lamp on a coffee table.

I love the smell of metonyms in the morning!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 5:43 PM


Wizz lost to 76s last night in big display of nubileness and bloddy lips! BUT WE LOVE THIS TEAM! Gil Aereolas and L Boogie Hughes and Jarjarbinks Hayes are lighting it up. And even though the Black Jesues of Hardwood is struggle with growth spurts and the rectification of his body and that of others, he will toughen up and Etan write poem to soothe the lord god Kw. Brown:

Kw.Brown, lift your legs akimbo to the cosmos.
Fight for the power, the ball, the turnovers off your shins, hands and heart.
And preach to the Steve Cxabenaness of the world, he who call you turd in the bowl.
When Steve looks in mirror he sees fat bald porn man with turd in face.
He calls black folks Tyrones. Poo face, disgrace, race---ist? Czabe, repent. Polish Pollen. Moisten. Repeat.
Think about it.

Here's another poem by our friend Dirty Uncle Pete in honor of Lord SAvior Brown:

"We Hidi Knew Ya"
You will never intern at AOL again
As you did in the Summer and Fall of '99
Look what happened to their stock since then

Cab Calloway is rolling over in his grave
Goodbye tube socks
Stretched so high, you had to fly
away Hidi, away

White for Knight
All is dark

hidi hidi hidi ho

TEars flowing!! TURGID Prose, D,Unc pete!!! Write more!!! Foul less!!

posted by Yurgi | | 10:32 AM

Tuesday, November 11, 2003  

Kwame Wants Me For A Sunbeam!!!!!
Peep the awesome new art! Controversy! Reverence! Moist Hay!

(If you dont have your FREE flash player, go get it now and soak in the creator's pliant magnificence!)

And on the seventh Day , KWAME said LET THER BE FISH!!!!
Former Bullet Matt Fish, that IS!!!!
WHat a great site! Its gives me hope that one day, will become a reality!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:40 PM

Friday, November 07, 2003  

That Finnish kid has heart!

One things for sure, that movie will have people talking for some time, and they will be talking about Jahidi white and the bus and the moomintrolls and the screams and so in that sense this work achieved perfectly what it was designed for!

More minutes for Jarkko!!!!
AND more minutes for Sister Christian!!!

"You know those boys
DO want to play no more
With you
It's true"

A year ago we were appealing to Christian to spend less time stealing kwames minutes and rolling Jarreds ankle and more time with his cherrful skivvy with his edutainmkent troupe, the Wiggles!

Sister Christian calls out our Haywood Noworkman for being "one dimensional" and praises kwame for being "not one dimensional".
Is Kwame to Sister Christian what Ty Lue was to Salieri? Beware friends in rugged handome "i'll-pick-you-up-at-7-suzy" beards and sweat bands young narcissus!

Eddie Jordan says that Laettner's slowness and gentle ways actually open up the offense for the wizards!

SO much more to say for Jahidi and his sad departure. But wizards brass have style: got Jahidi TWO seats in greyhound so he wouldnt have to share or meet young new phoenix-bound male street trade as part of contract stipulations.
Maybe much wont be said about jahidi, and is better left that way, but we will have a tribute page up next week, and will send it to Phoenix media and Rex Chapman to let them know the visibly imperfect but many carated dianmond they are getting.

Tom Knott has a very complicated article about Jahidis stone hands? Is this the appropriate time toi making jokes mr Knott?

But he had one part that aroused my awareness. The part about combining christian laettners mind and kwames body into a super being. Like MasterBlaster from Mad Max movies.
I was pert upon this line because I have thought the same thing myself, about me being inside kwames mind, controlling his amazing specimens.

Anyways, I have to run: the game starts soon which means Kwame is stretching! Maybe this time I will be able to control his movement and do the stretch that I always imagine him doing.

We leave you with an old tribute to an old friend, courtesy of master artist Sioux23.

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:41 PM

Thursday, November 06, 2003  

Sorry for my english but I AM SAD.

I was saying good man Jahidi White hes going to this place Phoenix now.
And we must all be sad but no one can be as sad as I because for Finland Hanno Mottola is making us very proud for the NBA, but our hearts have a space for Jahidi most ofall, which is even why I am winzzutzz intern. Fate! and sadness.

I will tell you about Moomintroll.
(But in finland we spell Muumintroll.)
Muumintrolls are what makes finland from going bad in dark-darkness that winter has for us each year. Tove Jansson, I hope she rests, made the Moomitroll books for 30 languages and loved by all of Europe!! All that knows the fear of nights of winter that seem they will never go. The dark is like smoke and black paint in the brain.

But moomintroll makes everything allright... For they are round, and wonderfully mild!

A Moomintroll is small and shy and fat, and has a Moominpappa and a Moominmamma. Moomins live in forests of Finland. They like sunshine and sleep right through the winter with no demon dreams. The snow falls and falls and falls and where they live, until their houses are like great snowballs!! But when spring comes, up they jump!!!

Sometimes I spend whole week in bed in winter -- not even to wake for fish! -- imagining my excellent adventures in Moominland.

I talk long to say one thing for you.

For Jahidi white is Moomintroll of NBA for all of finland.
That is why.

Jahidi white for me and for Finland is like Moominpappa:

of course, here he is! you all know him by now. Here he is in a pensive mood!!! Hah, what laughs! What will we do without Moominpappas imperturbability--good word, what!

Good Jahidi, goodbye for now. You are a human island I know it.

Also I hope in Phoenix he finds friend like Steve Blake was for.
Ah, "Too-ticky" was moomoinpappas friend in books. Much addicted to bathing-houses, the seaside in every particular, in fact, and quite a philosopher in a way!!!!

So I have made with my heart for all I have left in there:


More than you know.

I made this in flash and with my heart so please excuse again!

And so if you would like to know more about Moomins here are some places to look at:
Here and here but most of all you muist go here to Help Save the Moomintrolls on the internet!

posted by Jarkko | | 6:44 PM

Wednesday, November 05, 2003  

Oh no!!! After life afirming Wizz demolition of Dallas Mavs and that spanish revoltutionary Mark Cuban, the Wizzards went and traded Jahidi White to Phoenix for Brevin Knight!!! Hidi was loaded on the back of a semi truck wrapped in a pilled and musty #23 mule blanket and wished a bon voyage by a tearful but smiling Ernie Grunfeld. Who will lead the Chubbs and Chasers in the Wizz locker room? Who shall protect Steve Blake from being passed around (more than once)? Who shall wear the Cheese Boot?

By the gods of Lapland, look what's now available!!! It's the only thing cheering us up with the loss of Hidi and his revenue and nausea-inducing thong!!!

We're pooling all our old metal scraps from the abandoned Juan Dixon Antiseptic Bacon Dispenser project and selling off the wizznutzz inflatable furniture (and other such inflatables) to buy that $300 tank topper!!! We shall put it in The Wiz/Bulletz museum and look at it lovingly as we starve and drink vodka from the can and dream of the day the Nba opens a team in Helsinki. Hidi's Helsinki Chubbs? A GRATE NAME!!!

AND we can't wait for the Ladell Eackles Mock Turtleneck tanktop to hit the market!!!

Oh, Hidi, we'll miss you!!! A proper tribute to your tenure here is forcoming, In the meantime, Enjoy the Tex-Mex at Thunder Dan Majerles where the motto is "The Home to Every Kind of Athlete." That means YOU TOO Hidi!! For if a Chubb & chaser isn't an athelte, than what is? TRY ThE GORDITAS!!! God speeddd!!!

posted by Jarkko | | 10:21 PM


Happy 29th Birthday Jerry Stackhouse!
Happy 68th Birthday Jerry Stachouses Knee!


See Chocolate Biscotti teach us the importance to forget the past, and forge ahead towards the finish line. When there is passion, failures are never final and brokenness never spells the end!!!! After all is said and done, winning is a matter of the heart rather than talent. It is a story about second chances and come-backs, but more importantly, it is about passion that comes from knowing one's calling.

Damaged people, damaged horses, can overcome limitations through determination and hard work!!

"Moral homilies burst out, like snipe from the rushes. There is a message writ so large that no-one can avoid it and the message reads, "Never give up; there's always a second chance." !!!!!"

Jim Lynam explains Chocolate Biscottis success: "It's not in his aching knees, it's in here," touching his chest. And that's what this is. A heartwrencher.

Go CHocolate Biscotti! Self Hating Dinkan dont stop being a Khartoum and satrt being a cartoon!

"Chocloate Biscotti" is NOT RACIST!!! Its DESCRIPTIVE!!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:40 PM

Tuesday, November 04, 2003  

My bosses grate on the radio! Cheristopehr and James sounded real professional, like my favorite Web site in Finland!!

Wizzards plays tonight versues Dallas ronight on Wednesday!!!! We are going to Wheaton Circuit City to watch! Eddie Jordan tells Gilvert's Aereolas to "SHOOT MORE!" Look for Gil's aereolas to launch about 50 milk bombs tonight in Dllas!! Mark Cuban will be saying, "Oh mios dios!!! Fidel Castro of Aereolas is staging revolution on my floor while Antyown Jamison and Shawn Badley just hand moist towelsettes to Dirk and the Twoin of Ant!!! Oh mios dios! Yo la tengo un hamburgesa, por favor!!"

HEy, That's Mark CUban for ya!!!

Ja, hallo everyone!!! YOU GUESS RIGHT!! It's me, Jarrko Ruutu, Wizznuttzz intern from Finland and the blond beauty who is showing the bearded and bedless Yurgi from Romania what it means to BE AMERICAN. We drink, we fight, we watch ball...AND WE BALL!!! Sometimes when I pull Yurgi out from under table at WizzNutzz gatherings I can just make out him mumbling, "Finland IS FUNLAND!!!" How right you are, YURGI! But I know not why you call me "Tom of Finland." How many times I tell you I am Jarrko? Did I not beat you with salted liquorice and scream, JARRKO JARRKO JARRKO, YOU GYPSY VAMPIRE over and over and over? (For some reason you no ask for stop.)

Yurgi loves his salted liquorice beatdowns!!!

posted by Jarkko | | 10:09 PM

Monday, November 03, 2003  

You all heard it!!! On the radio this weekend Bram offered to provide us with press credentials to get inside the belly of the beast and offer bacon all around the wizards postgame locker room!!! We have so many questions to ask out heros! When we stop blushing like choirboys!!! Do the press get to shower with the team? In my mind they do!
We may have the mp3 up soon.!!!

Meantimes, here are some links!

The worlds greatest Chris Webber interview!! With audio samples!!!!!

Some great talking points:

CHIS ON PHILOSOPHY: ...Because perception is reality. Perception is reality. That's one thing I've learned.

CHRIS ON SIN: ...College. Tequila. Room spinnin'. Kissing the toilet.

CHRIS ON STYLE: ...I came with Hawaiian shorts and shirt -- this is when Hawaiian shorts and shirt outfit was in --- so my mother made me this nice outfit, and I think I'm looking good.

CHRIS ON METAPHORS: ...I definitely go in a hole. I'm a mole right now.

CHRIS ON HEROES: ...And I had this big poster of him and Big Daddy Kane on my wall.... And my Lance Parrish poster with him and the tiger in the alley.

CHRIS ON THE THING WITH THE YOUNGER BOY AND THE PUMPKINS: ...My nephew, right now, brings me joy. He doesn't care. He knows I play ball, but he doesn't care. He could care less. He wants to go to a pumpkin patch off of (Interstate) 80.

CHRIS ON ???????: ...I can't have a bad day. I can't eat and be thinking about, man, I can't wait to get back and play, and be eating pizza with my hands and then someone shakes your hand.

NIce work Mark Kreidler!! FREE MACE and your mind will follow!!! Be strong Chris! You will soon betg eating pizza with your hands and believing in God and Big Daddy Kane!!!


Former Bullet and AUssie Andrwew Gaze plays in his 550th game! We love the nation of Australia, they are like America's SHERRIF!!!! Ocean breezes, hot sand, salty chips, cold beer, moral disarray within the Australian government's treatment of poor people in boats!!!!

Take the Wizznutzz Andrew Gaze Quiz!!!


Updates at the Wizznutzz Muesum: new Bullets and wizards memorabilia and crap-knacks!!!!!

This one is still for sale on ebay

"Image Iz Everythang!!"
This iz a brand new blingin' Washington WIZARDS pendant with beautiful iced out stones and a phat 30" rope chain. Hip-hop iz more than just music; it iz a lifestyle and whut betta way to reprezent than stylin' in this breezy neckwear. And you get this platinum and diamond look at a fraction of whut the starz pay. Holla!

This Bling is for real yoz! Just read this from the sellaz ebay feedback!::

"...made me so happy I went out and murdered and drank my faygo in the cemetary"


posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:39 PM

Friday, October 31, 2003  

Now I know we have our problems with the boys over at Page 2:

....namely for them for running a throwback jersey spoof 2 days after we emailed ours to them, and for stealing our mush mouth separated at birth, and for being raving antisemites,
...but we can look past most of that, (even though we think that calling Ernie Grunfeld "one of the good jews" was a backhanded compliment and not much of a step towards brotherhood and communication.)
... why are we so forgiving? Because of this article , this one right here.
"20 Reasons the NBA is Fantastic". Look at number one. LeBron???

:"For me, it's Kwame. I'll check his line every morning, first thing."

SO true!!!!!. Kwame is my North, my South, my East and West, my working week and my Sunday rest!
And some people may call this type of love homoerotic. But then those same people called this Allan Ginsberg poem homoerotic:

I stare into my head & look for your/broken roman nose
your wet mouth-smell of martinis & a big artistic tipsy kiss....
I want to be there in your garden party in the clouds all of us naked
strumming out harps and reading each other new poetry
in the boring celestial Friendship Committee Museum.

Great obervation "Eric Neel"!!!!


Papa Bram Weisntein Show! 11am, WTEm 980 on your am dial!!!!
We drop incites, and pants! Expert analysis! Color commentary! Listen online or in your car outside a 7 eleven!
Well have the mp3s up alter, but nothing beats the potential disasters of live theatre!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:08 PM


The GarBot link is now working! Wes Unselds basement ha sstanding water and the sudanese military hardware we used in parts of the emotional engine for th garbot are not designed for moist enterprises! Give garbot a piece of your mind!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 1:16 PM

Thursday, October 30, 2003  

Wonderfully turgid , Yurgi!!

It was a great game and yet I agree that I too didnt remember the wizards scoring,but that was probably because I drank too much of the Rasheed Wallace Medical Pruno that I got from a parking guy at Wheaton Plaza for 5 packs of Newports.
Next thing I know I had broken into the Mothering Hut watching this movie that we had installed as part of Kens rehabilitation. Ive got to throw away those keys!

ANyway, a great performance by all last night.

One big thing was missing though ---- and his name is Jahidi White! As part of our continuing rollout out of a more german and germane wizards fansite, we bring you:

Nuggets for A Rewarding Life: Jahidis Little Instruction Book!

Tip #13 helped me to get through a difficult personal loss in my family last year -- Thanks Jahidi.

posted by WizzNutzz | | 6:34 PM

Wednesday, October 29, 2003  

Rember last year's blog with all incites on Michael "Salieri" Jordan his mules and all the drunken times with Dana Postshow Call in Girl and Ken Beatrice (both now missing) and Darvin Ham? Relive good times here!!

And remember old design? Looky here!!

Now we're slick thanks to our new web designers, Der Rat für Formgebung German Design Council, we look good and slick and vaguely Aryan!

For 2003-2004 good times, welcome ballers!!!!!!!!

Hi it Yurgi from Romania intern with realtime blog of game Wizz one number! Jarrko intern from Finland by my side, but he passed out stinking of fish and grain alcohol, his blonde hair messed with foreign jelly candies.

OK, here go we!!!

It took until 4 minutes left for Comast to add scoreline and timeline and other crap that fill up circuit city screens. I can't wait until bottom scrolls start and Pulty ads are wedged in!!! Then we watch 5 inch bar of basketball between ALL THAT DAta!!!

eTAN Thomas just made a slam! He then wrotre a poem as he ran back down counrt!!
Why is Chocolate Biscoti riding a horse?
Does he not know how he embarrased Our Race
by playing hockey?
And then boxing Fridge?
Perhaps Sudan should suffer.

That's an awfully angry poem, Etan, for a man who just made a HAM SLAM!!

Washington winning 20 to 11 with 2:44 left! Jarvis Bangers&Mash Hayes is scoring! Kwame is jumping just around and happily with nubileness! Looks manchild pumped! Brendan is fouling and planting feet! FOULING!! Deja VUDU!!!

Wizz lead after one! 20-15!! BRENDAN HAYWOOD LEADS ALL WIZZ SCORErs! Larry "The Brick" Hughes is 1 for 7! OH MY DAGGERS!!!

Second period begin. Oh Christian Laetnner is looking very handsome!! Long hair, headband look of 1994 is BACK! But with George Michael-style mascara beard and blond highlights! We suspect; now we know! WE LOVE CHRISTIAN WOMEN!!!!

Jarrko is snoring now, and he unconsiously rubbing jelly candies in his straw hair, making strawberry scented bloody mess. Circuit City manager ask him to leave. Jarrko not move. Jarrko breathing?

Juan Dix on court now! He rubs anti-bacterial lotion on hands that he dispenses from waist band every time ball leaves his hands! "Germs don't make baskets," Dixon was once quoted as saying. "Burnished metal counter tops do however!" He then polished the entire silverware collection in South Campus Dining Hall to prove point. Think his clean steel plan work not? Think again. Remember NCAA championship shot for Terrapins two years ago? THE GERMS LOST!!! POLISH SILVERWARED WON!!!!

Jared Jeffereies plays now (2nd unit in second quarter = symmetery, which is something Mr. Pollin preached at his invitro farm during WizzNutzz office tour there out in Jessup, Md. state prison facility) and he steals ball, drives quart and does AWESOME and CRUCial and TRADEMARKED MonChiChi move to be fouled. He purses lips, fakes right toward hotdog vendor in upper deck, then turns back to basket and lunges into Bull (not Shamgod!) and sketches a foul. GOOD DRAWING, JJ!!

Phil and Steve are telling Eddy Curry to pull up his pants! THEN MYSTIC PHIL MAGICALLY YANKS THEM CURRY PANTS UP WITH A DEVLISH SQUINT! Simultaneous to Phil's magical yank, moist mulch mysteriously appears on Kwame's headband. A crown of soft thorns for the Man-child who was born on Boxing Day (Canada) and who lifts up the souls around him through baptisms of nubile sweat? THINK ABOUT IT?!

I must say, when Phil Chenier talks about good ball movement I know exactly of whence he speaketh. I spent my entire youth in Romania without good underwears and I had so much movement you'd think I was playing marbles in my pants. But now that Im wearing Mitchell Butler game-worn stretch underpants, I feel secure in the notion that the only ball movement I will experience is by mine own handy choice.

Phil Chenier just used the word reacharound. I must mop my brow.

Wizz still winning in 3rd despite the fact that I don't remember anyone scoring!!

In other news, giant asteroid is heading toward planet earth and speciifcally aimed to a Fairfax, Va. townhouse listed to a one Mr. Kw. Brown. Jerry Stackhouse has request that said asteroid be redirected to Carolina Outerbanks. Even gives a SPECIFIC address near Cape Hatteras lighthouse that he would like 'stroid to land on. Keeps yelling "8 DAYS, BITCH!!!!"

Gilbert Aereolas is doing his best to spread the ball but I think, and Jarrko probably do too if was awake, he should start bombing and driving and not passing like a true Wizz point guard. EARN your keep, GIL grapes!!!

75 to 60 with 10 mins left in 4th and Wizz are winning!!! Touches all around! Smush Jarrkoo Smush!!

Phil chernier's birthday is Oct. 30! Everyone send him your old pumpkins!!! We hear Mrs. Chenier makes a mean pumpkin smoothie!!!

Steve Blake in at three minute mark with wizz up 91 to 65!! Blake sheds cheese belt, grabs kiss from Hidi, and strafes out to court to make "assissttss."

Game ends of Brendan Haywood block! Holds up arms in celebration and accidentally knocks down Jalen Rose desperation shot! PUT IT IN THE BOOKS! Wizz Win!! Wizz WinW!!!!!!!!

I'm going to drag Jarrko out of here! Clean him up with sand and Bullets cologne. See you at Dave and Busters'!!!!

posted by Yurgi | | 9:19 PM


Welcome to the 2003-4 Wizznutzz adventure!

Its been an exciting and intoxicating year for us at wizznutzz.
What started out with a simple promise:
"James and Christopher: Two Friends Who Like the Basketball Bullets and Wizards This Web Site Is a Tribute to Our Friendship...and Basketball"TM
has grown into a potent multimedia experience with different types of media and also ideas and outreaching to places where we have situated our product.
The Ike AustinCheesboot tm is the kind of initiative that many companies would sit on there hands and say "thats it, weve made it", but we didnt rest on the seventh day abnd the reults shine for themseklves, we believe.

You had us at emptiness!!!

We realised that we need to make some changes to the site to accomodate our cheesboot and our visions. And now we are pleased to bring those changes to you now!

We decided to go with the design company Der Rat für Formgebung German Design Council because all the best websites are made by germans, like "espn" which is a german name and riddled with anti-asemitism though that has NOTHING too do with the germans that work there.

Remember how Tim Legler and Brent Price were called the Bomb Squad a few yeasr ago?
Well we wanted the Bomb Sqaud of web design and these are the guys that are them.!!

Germans are good.
But then Der Rat für Formgebung told us there philisophy

Though clay may be molded into a vase, the essence of the vase is the emptiness within it. Though doors and windows may be cut into a house, the essence of the house is the emptiness within it. Therefore, taking advantage of what is, we recognize the essence of what is not.
Therefore, We seek to couple intuitive gestures with the more rational aspects of our work to try to make our work both poetic and responsive to the context, program and structure.

You had us at emptiness!!!

and give n that our philosphy is "better with bacon" it didnt take long to realize this was the right fit for us!!

a lasting and productive partnership!

ANyway we left the smart stuff to Der Rat für Formgebung, and Der Rat für Formgebung spent the offseason analyzing all this information about who was visitng our site, and what they were looking for and what made them stay.

And this is what they came and told us:

1. People who come to our site, want inforamtion organized in a clean and accessible manner

2. People that come to our site take their wizards and bullets pretty seriously.
They demand more draft analysis, statistics, player profiles.

3. And most importantly. The majority of people that came to our site from search engines did so looking for pictures of naked fat men.
This may have something to do with a feature we ran called Jahidis guiide to Chubbs and Chasers.
The germans advise We need to embrace this segment of our audience. and We must reward there loyalty.
The germans talked abiout certain web content being "sticky" --- its an industry term.

To explain it for our situation, they put it like this":
"people may stay for wizards incites, but people come for the naked fat men."
In this way, jahidi white is "STICKY" content. Hey it doesnt take a german web deisgn genius to tell us that!!!

Wizznutzz and pictures of Naked Fat Men: a lasting and productive partnership!!!!


So here we go with a new look and a new season. And our new features!!!!

First of all , check out our new super-customized message board:

have your say: make a poll, choose a funny name for youself, use smily faces like they were going out of style -- or even further out of style!
Lets make this years message board truly special, or at least not accidentally erase it.

Next up, a picture of a big fat naked man!


Also, check out the Wizznutzz Bullets and Wizards MUSEUM!!!!!!!

Just awesome super rare collectibles from your favorite franchise.
Im wearing the bullets cologne right now and my cat just woke up!!!!
Please email us any great collectibles you see online for our collection!!



The season kicks of today in chicago, and here are some predictions from the wizznutzz brain trust fior the upcoming season:

::: Jarvis hayes makes all rookie team!!! Averages 12 and 5!

:::Gilbert Arenas All Star alternate! Averages 22, 4 AND 5! Shoots alot!

:::Kwame Brown continues to explore his growing body! Posts averages of 14 and 7. Experiments with cigarettes and balsamci vinegarette.

:::Steve Blake carves a ham at christmas charity event. Lives up to draft day hype as public relations gamer!

:::Rod Strickland remians unsigned. January 12, 2004 he and Chico Debarge throw a ham into someones backyard!

:::November 9: Postgame caller identifies wizards season pronblems: "We need to get Juan Dixon more minutes is what we need"

:::ESPN shows Wizards highlights on November 8, of LeBron james dunking on Chjristian Laettner!

:::Mitchell Butler- Jahidi White rift deepens and threatens to divide locker room. Jahidi acuses Butler of being aloof, cites Butler not taking teram bus but travelling by Metrobus to games. Buttler defends thriftiness, accuses Jahidi of not sharing Steve Blake around!

:::April 15, 2004: embarrassing picture of wes unself taken at waterpark opening.

:::Dec 12, 2003: phil chenier falls alseep during game broadcast.

:::Washington Times scribe Tom Knott runs a profile of Wizards frustration and calls it cleverly: "Whats Eating Gilbert Arenas?"

:::GWiz testifies on Capital Hill in defense of a ban on flame retardants.
Exhibits erratic behaviours toward trent lott, credibility as witness brought into question.

Go WIZZ!!! Go Wizz!!!!
SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE this season, all season long!!

Check back often for more site improvements and quality incites you expect!
And naked fat men!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 7:07 PM

Tuesday, October 28, 2003  

Check our our old blog for all of last years great and powerful incites!!!!

posted by WizzNutzz | | 4:40 PM


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