Friday, October 07, 2005

Did somebody just mutter "heaven"? No? Ken, take the ball-gag out of your mouth. What did you say? "Smells... like... a... meat pile." Indeed, Ken, indeed.

Oh, grand season of moisture, bring on the bacon.

posted by Wizznutzz | 11:08 PM


Wednesday, October 05, 2005  

Wizznutzz about to return soonn to preview 05-06 season and the chances for Party John Ramos to earn some real PT and talk about "big summer"---even if it involves riding akimbo in car of early morning shooting of Andray Blatche. Fame is Fame, PR is PR. ASK BILLY BUSH, BITCHES!!!!

Kevlar Wizz Wear on prototyped. Being tested by Ken BEatrice, who keeps requesting "thinner material." That's certain death, Ken!!! "Bring it on stinkface," say former radio talkshow host turned masocist / samatarian / garbage man. Sure thing says Andy Polley, an observant religous man who refused to fire his daughter's Tech-9 into heart of Ken on Rosh Hashanaa, but took a rain check for the less observant high holy days. Clean the muzzle, POlley!! Clean is so in, says former Buklket Wuan Duxiin, now member of Portaland Trailblaizers. "AIR IS SO ANTI BACTERIAL HERE!! I CAN ALMOST breathe withput oxygen tank and 14,000 miligrams of Allegra/Levitra combo imported from Winnepeg. Meanwhile, Steve Blake has already been passed around the locker room like a wet doobie!!!!!"

posted by Wizznutzz | 10:07 PM


Monday, May 30, 2005  

I had arthroscopic surgery on my penis.
Ken Beatrice.

posted by Wizznutzz | 2:46 PM


Tuesday, May 24, 2005  

It was a great season for the Wizards and also for the Wizznutzz.
And Its going to be a great offseason.!! Everybody!
Things will be a little quieter here the next few months but we will be posting from time to time and we will be very busy harvesting our nuts for next year for an exciting new year, like bacon and wizards basketball, pure NRG!!!


The Wizards have learned from Steve Buckhantz's wedding night, and need to show the world this year wasn't a one-off fluke.
But that means the team needs to addreess some needs.


The Wizards need:

-a big man who can hit the boards and still run the floor
-An Anthony Peeler type except not Anthony Peeler
-a tall forward with good hearing who has a bus license
-men with big hands and men with small shorts
-a Harlem Globetrotter
-a white type player

Also, the needs to pick up some role players in the draft.I know we dont have a first round pick this year but there are plenty of talented guys in the second round.
And the Wizznutzz have iunside information about whos on topmof our draft board.
Its BJ Elder!!

We know because sources tell us that Abe Pollin passed an note to Ernie Grunfeld that had written on it in capital letters:


Also the team needs to re-sign LBoogie aka THE COY MISTER, #1 Aplus priority. The team brain trust said they are hopeful a deal will get done but haevnt started talks. But Wes Unseld HAS started negotiations with the agent of Pervis Ellison about a long term deal. WRAP em up big Wes!

Also decisions have to be made about Juan Dixon. Juan always says his life has been about overcoming doubts and low expectations. So the best thing for the team is to challenge Juan by rolling up him in a carpet and shipping him to Mexico with no identification and see if he can fight his way back. Also Dixon is a fan favoirite at charity events, maybe we could sign him to a special contract where he only gets to serve turkey to the poor people at Thanksgiving and tell him, "Juan, people are all saying that you are too small to carve turkeys. They say there is no way you could carve 20 turkeys in one afternoon!!!"

For now though, the players earned a break and should enjoy there offseason. Here are some plans for how players will be spending their vacations:


Michael Ruffin is expanding his paper route! He is also a guest speaker at "Dome Week", the international phrenology expo in Prague.

Jared Jeffries and Brendan Haywood, "Little 1" and "Little 2", are taking their annual fishing trip! Because Sister Christian Laettner is still in the postseason, they had to find a new Chum Scoop. So they invited Peter Jon Ramos along and gave him an honorary "little" title: "Little Jon".
They also brought him along because he knows how to catch fish with his bare hands, and speaks like a pirate.

Jarvis Hayes is returning to Exeter.
Besides tending to his farm Jarvis will be entering his Fighting Goats in the local fair.
But most exciting for Jarvis is he will be graduating from the CONSTABLE ACADEMY!!

AFter he passes his final exam, an oral exam for which Jarvis has to sing Danny Kaye's "Policemans Song" , Jarv will be isued with a great coat, a peaked cap, truncheon, armlet and whistle and also given a small boot allowance.
Then he will be authorised by order of Queens law to defend his county from sheep rustlers, ragwort abuse and other "Barney Rubble" the rory locals may get into their heads to try and perpetrate. Juan Dixon was going to come a cheer on Jarv at the graduation but then someone told him about Foot and Mouth disease and plans changed.

Eddie Jordan will keep working on the Princeton Offense and also can be found Harvesting his Nuts Saturday nights at Hammerjacks.

Gilbert Arenas SLEEP!

and Steve Blake for the second straight year will be heading his pre-Draft rookie educational camp:
where he teaches new NBA players about what they can expect in the locker room on the NBA level. Including classes such as "SHower Ettiquette" , "Double Toweling", "For Enough Kools, No Means Yes!", and the popular "Chubbs, Chasers and Gainers OH MY!"
Past classes have been so popular.!! Carlos Arroyo says that the camp got him prepared for some of the difficult shower things coming ahead in his new career and gave him time to speak with his preist about lust and what God thinks of the "Forzados abrazos."

And Steve is in talks with a company about bring a line of VHS "SOAP STRAZZ" edutainment cassettes for teenagers, hosted by Craig T Nelson!!!

posted by Wizznutzz | 7:00 PM


Tuesday, May 17, 2005  

WE ARE STILL WORKING ON OUR WIZZNUTZZ SEASON WRAP UP, but some MAJOR stories concerning Wiz ballerz in the newz the last couple of days we had to comment...

Former Bullet Rex Chapman blows the whistle on RACISTS at Kentucky University

Rex describes how he was ridiculed and called nasty names for dating black women.
What a Double Standard!
Im sure the black ladies were never called names when seen on campus Sexin Rex! Names like
"Hey Paste Lover!" "There goes the Cracker Barrell" and "Filthy CHAPWOMAN!!"

Also u think Morgan Freeman ever got any grief when he was dating Ashley Judd during her sophmore year at Kentucky???
Hell NO! Morgan was making out with Ashley in the quad in plain daylight! People see a beige reincoat on Ashleys dorm door knob and they knew he wasnt in there rehearsing lines for "Along Came a Spider"! You think Morgan got the business when he was seen checking his moles in the mirror of the sorority bathroom! Hell no again, people be wooping it up for Morgan, hi fiving the man. Triple standard!

The Miami Herald got the scoop on Gilbert Arenas mom!

Its very poignant. The best part tho for sure is to find out that Gilbert Senior played a drug dealing snitch in Miami Vice EPSIODE ONE and he was also in Van Damme movie "Lionheart" NETFLIX HERE WE COME!!! Check back this summer for wizznutzz acting clips!!!

Juan Dixon is the only NBA player set to testify on steroids.

Juan Dixon, Steroids!!!!!

Only 4 possibilites exists for this:

A. Juan thought it was a hearing to look into the unsanitary bathroom habits in the NBA
B. Juan Dixon is being asked to appear so David Stern can point to him and say "You think we got steroids in the NBA?? steroids in the NBA?? I give you Exhibit A!" Tom Daschle: "Mister Dixon please remove your trousers"
C. Juan Dixon will be used in a "Before and After" demonstration by sports physicians expert witnesses.
D. They're gonna dip Juan Dixon in ink and use him as a quill to sign the Steroid Proclamation!

posted by Wizznutzz | 8:08 PM


Monday, May 16, 2005  

August Strindberg Reporting

It is a long journey we journey as we journey through the journey of journeys.
We are naked infants in a moist darkness, an inky abyss.
The moon is somewhere above, and beyond that the sun -- we know this, and yet it is hard to believe on nights like tonight.
Now we see only the darkness, a shirtless clanky black. Old men and halfwits have defeated our best and brightest. And thus we must wonder: How bright? How best? The questions echo through the rotting corpse of the she-whale where we huddle for shelter.
Speravit infestis? Those words are nothing to me now.

posted by Wizznutzz | 7:55 PM




IT was a great season for the Wiz and the DUBNutzz and we will be back the next couple days with an End of the Year WIzznutzz WrapUp!

For now, August Strindberg has some inspiring words coming soon to take you into the summer!
Also the wizznutzz have just acquired a number of very rare Bullets and Wiz basketball cards and we will present them too you from time to time.

The first one is a 92-3 Fleer Ultra Pervis Ellison.
Have a look at the awesome quote on the back below!

You dont need to tell us that The Perv was a Top 20 JAMMER!

Phil Wood tells us this card is very valuable in chubby chaser memorabilia circles!!

Estimated worth: $2,000,000

posted by Wizznutzz | 6:50 PM


Friday, May 13, 2005  

ONLY One GOOD thing came out of Last NITES game and that was:
Gilbert Arenas' fathers long awaited return to television!!!!:


You can definitely see where Gil gets his nose.
Either that or his mom was a BADGER! !!!!

I bet that nose could tell some stories....

Also they study skulls to find out there stories, its called PHRENOLOGY, and the Wizznutzz Present:


posted by Wizznutzz | 6:19 PM


Thursday, May 12, 2005  

Onterrio SMith is caught at the airport with a drug test cheating prosthetic called:


Have a look at this product and you may notice it comes in diffeent complexions but "ASHEY" is not one of them, and more shockingly, NO FORESKIN MODEL!!!

Whats a Charles Oakley to do!!!

Our intern Dana Von Postgame Show Call IN Girl has been using the WHizzinator for years, but not for evading drug tests. She uses it to sneak grog into ballgames and Applebees. She fills it with Chivas Regal and Yoohoo and when she is sneaking a drink it appears to bystanders as if she is merely a transvestite giving herself a Beej!

posted by Wizznutzz | 1:00 AM


Wednesday, May 11, 2005  

Some Thoughts from the Wiz/Heat Series:

2-nothing its all good, no need to get your Jahidi Thongs in knot. Sure we need a few things but its not like playoff veteran 3 point specialists grow on trees , right???…. Anthony Peeler!!!!!!!!!! Also 7 foot physcial prodigys don’t grow on trees but we'll get to KWAME (-- HE HAS RISEN --)later. For now redhot incitezz:

We aren’t worried but we need to win these games. Its nice to get this far and all and there are moral victories but ABC and the NBA have added a new twist to the playoffs to get ratings up this year:

if your Team loses, Hubie Brown will perform a DEMENTORS KISS on the players.

The Wiz rotation is a mess right now. EJord continues running the Princeton Offense but it is the offense from the Princeton Polish Club. Meanwhile Juan Dixon continues to play the "Montogemry COunty Rec Departments 8 and Under Soccer League Offense", dribbling around staring at his feet, SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!
During the playoffs I love the preview for the movie Unleashed! Bob Hoskins plays a pasty old man who keeps an aisan man in a dog collar! (Its a personal project for Hoskin, part of a trilogy about his early life as a struggling young actor who traded in asian slaves for pocket money.) Thats SO awesome! I wish Bob Hoskins would put that collar on Juan Dixon!

Meanwhile Miami Heat continue to run their vaunted "JAKE AND THE FATMAN" offense.
Its all pick and roll, pick and roll, and boy is Shaq a roll!!!

As much as Wizznutzz hate ChinchillaPubes Andres Nocioini, it is nothing comparing to how much we are going to be hating these 2 men:

#1 Damon Jones.
Damon, you aint hollywood and You aint no Dwayne Wade.
You are not even Dwayne WAYNE!! Hey PYGMY You think you are all that but to Jahidi White your life is = 1/2 pack of Kools.

#2 Alonzo Morning (pictured above, far right with tray)
The whole world hates Alonzo. Even Hoyas fans. Im not doctor but Alonzos kidneys couldnt process all the angry and they wanted out. Buy wow he sure a got a transplant fast didnt he?! thats cause he went to china and used his NJ Jets monies to buy a child right off the streets and didnt even bother removing his kidneys, alonzo just had the whole child sewed right into his organ box!!!!! How about it science! Not since Gollum has a man been made so wretched and piteously bitter by the lure of One Ring. And there will be no joy if he gets his Precious, just more sour fury.
See when he argues with referees that look on his face? "Whats Taters ref?, whats taters??"

How much does that look look like the dad from "Good Times", John AMos??!!!

The only time ALonzo looked more like John AMos was when his agent told him he was going to be signed by the Heat and he flared his nostrils and yelled:

It will be good to come home. The wizz played valiant on road but they need the home court for shooters like LBoogie, the Rim looks bigger at home, the mascot is plusher, and I hate that sea of red shirts in the Miami areana, all those fans in red. August Strindberg almost got us ejected from Circuit City last night when the camera flashed to the crowd and he started screaming "THE BLOODY FLUX!! THE BLOODY FLUX!!"

Also we gotta get Gilbert out of Miami. Not because of his Daisy Duke cutoffs and PArty John wrestling. But because Miami is the second home of Gilberts dad Gilbert Arenas SENIOR from when he was an extra on an episode of Miami Vice. Maybe you saw when the TV cameras captured Gil Sr and Grandpa Arenas in the stands; nice moment right? heartwarming, 3 generations of arenas men? Well not necessarily so. There are some parts of Gilberts unusual upbringing that didnt make it into the papers. Like when Seniors acting career hit the skids and Tubbs took him off the speed dial, and Gilbert SR got remote and moody and became Drinky Dad for a while and exhibited weird behaviours, like how he turned his Motel room into an exact relpica of Edward James Olmos' police chiefs office from Miami Vice, with blinds, and a black phone, and a desk and an in-tray marked "CASE FILES" that had old sunday comics in it. And if Gilbert Jr came home from school with a bad grade SenioR would yell "Your badge Arenas" and when Gilbert said he was sorry DAD and made the frightened face, SR would holler "CALL ME LIETENTANT CASTILLO" like he'd had stenciled on the motel door.

Dads OK now. Mostly. SOmetimes when Gilbert has a bad game, dad calls him up and says "SOn what youve got is a case of the 'SMUGGLERS BLUES'. DOnt worry, It's just the nature of the business," and hangs it up.

ALSO things in Miami are just plain freaky:

First Phil Jackson and Jerry Buss's daughter Jeanie and now this:

"South Beach was abuzz this week after Miami Heat coach Stan Van Gundy's 72 year old mother, Cindy Van Gundy, was spotted canoodling at Lounge with handsome Heat reserve Christian Laettner. The word is that Cindy's tadpoling ways isn't sitting well with her son, and caused some recent Mother's Days embarrassment for Stan who, upon bringing flowers up to mom's condo, was forced to leave them on the door matt when he found a faded Duke ballcap hanging on the doorknob - the traditional Van Gundy family sign for "Disturb at your Own Risk!"

Its great to see Sister Christian getting his though. As Vainglorious Minister and founder of the Divine Church of Machosensual Sciences he has a reputation and an aura and a message: God made man in his image but we thought his image was a little shabby so man created Products to hold and shape. Blessed are the Groomers!!!

And Speaking of the Van Gundys, its great to see the family has finally reconciled with the third son, Dennis Van Gundy who is a gay actor who changed his name to the stage name:

"Gundy Van Sapien"

Gundy was the star of the straight to video police procedural that was very popula rin the gay community:


But he is more famous for dating Maury Chaykin.

posted by Wizznutzz | 5:54 PM


Tuesday, May 10, 2005  

So Much Things To Say!!!

Full slate of posting from WizzNutzz today, with all our INTERNS working overtime to bring you incites into Heat vs. Wizz. !!! Welcome to Miami!! Enjoy your three-day stay! Come back for an 8-day rental next week!
Jaarkko Ruutu is still out searching for Kwame, who was spotted washing dishes at a restaurant in Tony Cheng's neighborhood. Jaarko acted on tip but arrived just a bit late. A busboy who gave his name as Yu Wenshi Unseld said Kwame had already sped off with the Washington Times' Tom Knott. Wenshi said they were carrying live ducks and a bucket of Peking sauce.
August Strindberg brought himself out of an absinthe haze long enough to mumble something about this: During one game in Bulls series 7-foot-3 rookie Peter John Ramos blocked several fans' view at MCI Center, so one peeved patron yelled, "Yo, Party John, move your big 'ol head."

We have nothing to add!!!!

Gilbert Arenas told the Post that playing the Heat was like his wrestling matches with PartyJohn Ramos, who's a foot taller and about 70 pounds heavier in his misshapen head alone.

"I'm like 0-37 against him," said a petite Arenas. "But I'm going to keep going until he gives up. . . ."

The Post then had Gil talking about how you cant give up against the Heat, but the ellipses mean something was cut from his quote. Dana von Postgame Call-In Show Girl was there to capture unreported words:

"...See Party John is a great guy, but he's also from, like, Mars and I'm from Venus. So when I go low on him, instead of realizing that i'm trying to take him down by dislocating his wobbly knees, Party John pets my head and starts singing Puerto Rican folk songs. I'm like, What, PartyJohN? WE'RE WRESTLING!! So to get him irritated so he starts wrastlin' I start gnawing on his feet---them dogs are huge! And flat as a pancake and dry as a desert. I always tell Party John to moisturize after showering, but he's so busy trying to fit his T-shirt over his big head that he forgets all about the toiletries. Anyway, I'm gnawing on Party John's desert-ass feet, getting him riled up, trying to tip him over---cuz if I can chop off his feet he can't just stand there on his ankles cuz ankles don't work like that, unless you have CANKLES, which can act like training wheels, know what I'm saying? I knew this one girl who had no feet but she had cankles that looked like chubby plane wings---and she could totally motor when she was mad, swear! But most people---I mean, have you ever seen anybody without feet stand up for, like, more than a few seconds? No way!! Ankles are NOT meant for standing on. Ha hA! Anyway, so I'm trying to slice through Party John's cracked-earth feet with my front teeth, and dude finally realizes, Yo Quiero un wrestling match!!! And I'm like, FINALLY PARTY JOHN!!!! And then Party JOHn lifts me up by my short-shorts, gives me an overhead airplane spin and then tucks me in for a piledriver, which hurts like hell! I got a small soft head, man!! I bet you if someone drove PartyJohn's head into the hardwood dude wouldn't even notice it. His dome is all scar tissue, bet! Anyway, this is all to illustrate how we gotta come out against the Heat."

Great reporting, Dana! And you wrote all of that on your body with a Sharpie borrowed from Eddie Jordan!!!
Ken Beatrice reports from some newspaper that Arenas wore those aforementioned short-shorts in the last three games vs Bulls, but he switched during halftime with Heat, pulling on a pair of PartyJohn's gamenotworns. "Them short-shorts are terrible. That ain't me," Gilbert said.

Ken disagrees however, and says that Gilbert looks FANTASTIC in the short-shorts and he should continue wearing them, perhaps augmented with a cilice belt as corporal mortification might help with his jump-shot discipline.

Gilbert's relucatance to highlight his twig and berries in the Miami series is a far cry from what he told some newspaper the day before: "There are some nice babes in Miami, maybe they'll like my backside."

Maybe so, Gilbert, but if you don't hear from the ladies now that you're back to wearing baggy boys, rest assured that there's a male intern at a world-famous basketball website who has been sitting in his Mothering Hut for the past week drawing passionate pornographic sketches of you in batty riders. We'll send them to you!!!!
Finally, Darvin Ham reports that fellow pine-rider Party John Ramos told the Post's resident new "funnyman" and TOny Kornheiser replacement Mike Wise that Miami is his favorite NBA city. "The weather, the women, everything about Miami is great," explained Ramos to Mike Wise who goes on to write that PartyJohn is affectionately called "'In The Streets' by teammates, coaches and, at 4 a.m., a professional dancer named Candy."

That's funny because ever since Mike Wise was rejected as a WizzNutzz intern, he's been known as Candy whenever he dances at Camelot. HEy Wise, Tony Kornheiser has already been a pole dancer in town, too!! IS NOTHING SACRED?!!!!

posted by Wizznutzz | 9:13 PM


Saturday, May 07, 2005  

Even more than basketball and bacon, the WizzNutzz love art. From the spiritual creations of SIOUX23 to the popular student contest JORDAN MULES to the legendary AUBERNICA, the WizzNutzz have supported the creation of important works, proving that we are patrons of more than just K Street hookers. In this tradition, the WizzNutzz invited world-renown feminist artist BARBARA KRUGER to create a series of works to honor the Wizards' historic first-round win over the Baby Bulls!!! Good job, Barb! You've got a bright future ahead of you!!!

posted by Wizznutzz | 5:19 PM


Friday, May 06, 2005  


posted by Wizznutzz | 10:48 PM



Awesome article in the Washington Times the other day:

"The team was told by the NBA that the shorts of Arenas, Dixon, Jamison and Hughes were too long and that they would be rquired to suit up in shorter pairs. Arenas joked that the replacement shorts were "Daisy Dukes" and everyone in the locker room laughed. As if on cue, rookie Peter John Ramos emerged from the showers wearing nothing a pair of large ratty burlap underpants. Without missing a beat, Arenas quipped: "or we could just get PJ's mom to knit us a pair of those Uncle Jesses!" and everyone in the locker room laughed again, and pointed at Ramos and laughed again."

The Times continues to SCOOP The Post! The Times is run by Moonies! Maybe that has something to do with it? cuz our intern Jaarko writes for a paper that is run by Moomins, and they are great reporters, who like to live life fully, and view the world with a feeling of wonderment for such simple pleasures as collecting stones and shells. As gullible as enthusiastic, they are also naive and extremely good-natured.

Also, check out our New Products at

the Wizznutzz STORE!


posted by Wizznutzz | 4:56 PM


Thursday, May 05, 2005  

Steve Buckhantz had drawn his playoff dagger.
He had been polishing it for two weeks. It’s a special dagger, like the hobbit blade Sting, it glows blue, but not when Orcs are near, but this dagger glows blue when there is a shifting of momentum and hesitation in the air, which means he has to wrap it in a blanket whenever he undresses for a lady.

The curse of Les Boulez seemed upon us again.
The ghosts of Webber and Lorenzo Williams and Ike Austin were making there way down the United Center aisle.
The ghost of Wes Unseld was passed out in the men's room of a Long John Silvers.
But the Wizards of 2005 have something that the franchise has never had.
A player stone-cold crazy enough to believe!!!!!
A Straight Line Assassin, a Chocolate Rooster named Gilbert!
Tru fact: Chickens don't perspire. Have you noticed Gilbert never ever sweats? See for yourself.
Also If you cut the head of Gilbert he would be shooting practice jumpers headless for 2 days.

Gilbert is Crispin Glover crazy! He is 1st team All-Margot Kidder crazy. When Pat O'Brien calls Gilbert he doesn’t even have to say "I wanna get crazy with you" because the crazy part is just understood. He was a man when he had to be, and a sweet child at the press conference. Lets just pray Wilbon doesnt compare him to Jordan. The Chicago press were calling Ben Gordon Ben "Jordan". That makes 2 Jordans in 3 years that Abe Pollin has sent packing from the MCI Center. As we said before, at least let the kid ruin a franchise, gamble away his paycheck and cheat on his wife before you call him the next Jordan.

And everybody has been playing great. 2 guyzz especially turned it around. Brendan Haywood has been on fire. Athletes say when they are in a zone that the game "slows down". When BH is feeling it he describes a feeling he gets that his hands "get bigger."!!!

Speaking of hands, Juan Dixon washed his hands of Game 3. And then he literally washed his hands, over and over and over until they were red. Because as you know Juan Dixon is fearfully afraid of Germzz!!!!!!!!

And as he washed his hands, he made many baskets, and as he made baskets Comcast announcer Steve Buckhantz would yell:


The Wzznutzz went to Game 3 and it was amazing. We went on Ntional radio and called Scott Skiles a "Stout Bitch" and we asked the question "Who would Jesus Boo???" and everyone knows Jesus would boo Adres Nocioni and so we all did and he got hit in the balls and it was sweet.

Everybody is cranking the Bullets Fever song and its like 1979 all over again: the team is again winning and the city is again clapping and Jeff Ruland is again a virgin. We asked Nils Lofgren to record "Wizards Fever" song for us but he hasn’t returned our calls.

SO Everyone email Nils and beg him!:

Nils Email:

We even have a video ready to go!!!!
Our video for Wizards fever just like that Awesome D'Angelo video, the one where he is naked from the waist up, but in our video its Steve Blake instead of D'angelo and in our video the camera pans down! Check it out!

posted by Wizznutzz | 6:00 PM



We will not have much too say about the exile of Kwame Brown at this time.
It is diffuicult as incites and passions gather about us like shorts gather at the ankles of G-Wiz as he stands at the front door of Jerry Stackhouse's beach rental.
There lots of lies and stories, Craig Sager reports he sees Kwame eating duck at Mr K's Chinese on Sunday Night. U know who else had name in reservation book that night??
Lots of people are kicking Kwame when he is down especially MICHAEL IAGO WILBON. He is dying to write the headline "Peiking Schmuck" or "Faking Duck." But We warn not to trust Mr Black Thanksgiving so soon. We obtained a paragraph of Wilbon's living will and it involves a meal of its own: having his naked body roasted, roasted with Cuban cheese and with onions and an apple in his mouth and served to Michael Jordan on a silver tray for him to feast upon.

Sager reports Kwame was calm and flaunting his "illness" , yet anyone who knows Kwame knows that if he went to a Chinese restauraunt in real life he would order "Chinese Dressing" for his salad, and when they told him they don’t have Chinese dressing he would NOT be calm, he would be puzzled and aghast.

We said too much already, and we wont say anymore now, and instead we will enjoy the miraculous playoffs for it is a story itself, but fortunately one that doesn’t end in betrayal, Xbox and a pile of tear-stained Armani. We have sent our interns Jaarko Ruutu and August Strinderg on assignment to investigate, like a Laplandish Woodward and Bernstein. They are both from Scandanvia so they have good inquisitiveness, and an air of professionalism and herring hangs about them. They will get to the bottom of this. For now, they submitted their first clue, the real life fortune cookie Kwame opened after his meal at Mr Ks:

posted by Wizznutzz | 4:53 PM


Tuesday, May 03, 2005  

Exhausted and parched with thirst and with heat,
I stopped running
when I reached the valley of mules
as wide as it was long:
festooned with skulls,
the whole valley
between the two mountains:
one resplendent with trees
the other naked and brown.

I was terrified.
I screamed like a baby
there at the entrance
to the valley of death
thousands of skulls
of overwhelmed men
rotting in nettles, bleaching in bushes.

Up in the snow-covered mountain
thousands of souls laughed and cried.
Some shouted from anger of longing,
some cried for their children at home.
I was paralysed by fear and confused.

Then I saw a huge statue cast in bronze.
As I slowly approached it
I saw it was not a statue at all
but a living she-mule,
shaking and sobbing
for the pale-blue and dead army.

Parched with thirst and with heat,
and exhausted,
I left the valley of mules.
As long as I live it will stay in my mind:
the howling and sobbing of the blue mule
and the dead army.

posted by Wizznutzz | 11:18 AM


Saturday, April 30, 2005  

L Boogie harvests his nuts!! Knocks Nocioni straight in the Pantagonias!!!

Sad Argentinian collapses like the Falkland Islands bitch that he is!!

posted by Wizznutzz | 8:30 PM


Friday, April 29, 2005  

WiZnuttz Grow Playoff beards!!!

And we also appear on Sportstalk 980 radio at 1:30 p.m. before game three on Saturday, April 30!!! If you don't live in D.C. and still want to hear it, we wonder why!!! But you can tickle your taint and listen online RIGHT HERE!!!

If you see us at the game, say hello & remember: All half-smokes and Executive Nachos are on Bram Weinstein!!!

Last but least: We've finally enacted comments! Please leave us feedback and japes and bacon!!! The comments were always there but we forgot to turn them on---just like the last time Ken took Dana on a date!!!

posted by Wizznutzz | 8:05 PM


Thursday, April 28, 2005  

After the Wizards second loss to the Bulls, WizzNutzz intern August Strindberg (left) and his good friend Friedrich Nietzsche (right) engaged in an instant message conversation to assuage the pain.

Dodsdansen: Alas, Friedrich, more bad tidings. Tis not a surprise.

Ubermensch69: Loss, it's the only truth, August. We are witnessing the birth of tragedy.

Dodsdansen: Tis not a mere birth, Friedrich, but a full blooming of an old man's death, his crumbling body bursting through life's sick vulva into the comforting womb of eternal darkness.

Ubermensch69: 2-0, yes, August, a deficit that only 4 teams have overcome in the past 20 years. A weaker man would drown his eyes in the blood of Christ, but Coach Jordan has forsaken the spear of destiny. Alas, instead he has said to a man and Steve Blake, "Rise up, foul beasts, for thou art the definers of your own destinies. Do not look to the Kwame Manchild as your savior, for despite his moist mocha skin and beneficient gaze, he doth have small hands and a pubescent's mind. The akimbo Manchild, despite his rich beauty and pants-tingling potential, revels in public apathy and private lazyness. He will not solve your problems of loss and humilation at the hands of Chicago rodents like Griffin and Pargo, two pieces of life's lint who did not pry themselves from the bench in game one and then lit up Jefferies and Dixon like a Cuban cigar in game two. No, do not look to the cross on which hangs the No. 1 draft choice by that foul, stinking mule of a man known as Michael Salieri Jordan---I spit bile and bacon when I say it. Rather, look inward, hideous creatures of light, for strength is inside you just as the smell of cheese is about you. Ignore the systemic toxin and the formation of a false membrane on the lining of your throat, for that is but diphtheria choking your will. Kill the entamoeba histolytica causing the severe diarrhea you've displayed on the court, and force through your intestines the colon-blowing will to power your team to victory! For he who fights with monsters like Nocioni should look to it that he himself does not become a monster! Remember! When you gaze long into the abyss of that stout fucker Scott Skiles, the abyss of that stout fucker Scott Skiles also gazes into you!"

Dodsdansen: Coach Jordan really spoke such passionate poetry, Friedrich?

Ubermensch69: I imagine so, August, I imagine so.

Dodsdansen: Alas, my absinthe runs low, dear Friedrich, and the sweet relief of a hallucinogenic sleep doth call. Goodnight, dark prince. There is no faith to keep, but I shall tune in Saturday nevertheless.

Ubermensch69: Me too, August, for that which does not kill you makes you stronger. In fact, I will now will attempt to kill myself and hope the muscles respond. Auf wiedersehen, rotten life and good friend!

posted by Wizznutzz | 6:50 PM


Wednesday, April 27, 2005  

Did everybody see the Gilbertology article in the Post? It says Gilbert Arenas wears size 13 shoes on his size 14 1/2 feet because he's don't like his dogs to look too large!!! "Give me Chiwawa, no Doberman!!!" He also eats at Boston Market before every game (who doesn't?), parks his ride in the same spot ("Reserved For Mr. Pollin"), and listens to the same jams in the same order (all downloaded from God's Mixtape!!! "Is it in you? Is it in you? Is it in you?") But the best of all is that Gilbert tickles Antawn Jamison's armpit before the tip-off!!! And Antawn just accepts it with a smile on his face and a certain tingle elsewhere!!!!!!!!!!!

An article like this put us in a reflective, drinking, collie weed mood, thinking about how the WizzNutzz get ready for a game. It's so symbiotic to what Gilbert does!!! What does symbiotic mean!!!! So we surveyed the staff of to see how they get ready for games and incites!!!

-Intern Ken Beatrice says, "I wear size Large gameworn shorts from Ledell Eackles on my size Medium body, which might seem odd because, hey, wouldn't they just fall down around my ankles? So, true! That's why I wear them around my neck, in honor of Ledell's deformity of not having a stalk leading up to his bean. Plus, deep inhalations thru a pair of neckstrapped unwashed gameworns puts me in a TRUE gamestate of mind."

-Intern Jarkko Ruutu says, "In Finland I eat fish before games. In U.S., I eat fish, too, but more slower."
WOW, Jarkko! Now we know why we haven't heard from you in a while!

-Intern August Strindberg says, "I, too, park my horse in the owner's spot---that is, the spot of despicable life, of indecision, of useless choice. There are no yellow lines to guide this broken mare. There is no pylon to tell one that you are too close to the fyre, too close to the precipice, too close to the end---which is nie, so why worry about the orange cone? Live your bleak life with the taste of absinthe and poetry in your mouth and the superficial feel of a Serbian whore at your waist. Anyway, that's how I park my Volkswagen."

-Intern Darvin Ham says, "I listen to the same jam over and over and over before games: Nils Lofgren's 'Bullet's Fever'---second version only!!!---and Susan O'Malley's 'Shoot Shoot Slam Slam, That's the Reason I'm a Bullets Fan!' aka 'You Da Man!', which she later retitled 'I'm a Man' and sang at corporate events after she grew a beard."

-Intern Dana von Postgame Call-In Show Girl says, "I tickle Ken's taint before games. Gilbert should flicker his fingers under Tawn Tawn's tawn tawn!"

OK, everybody!!! It's gametime!! Tickle your taint and eat some chicken!! GAME ON! EFF YOU NOCIONI!!!

posted by Wizznutzz | 8:30 PM



OK where are the Wizznutzz incites on Game one you ask?


Andres Nocioni is a filthy, greasy, South American whoreface Abigail DIRTY PLAYER !!!!

Top 3 Dirty Player of all time maybe:??

In the fourth Quarter of Game 1 the announcer accidentally called Ben Gordon, Ben "JORDAN" then suddenly Kwame Brown froze up and dirty Andres dove into kwames knee because he doesnt have the skill or manness to take on Kwame one-on-one in the court or in the other court, the COurt of Handsome Justice.

We are not the only ones who say this. An anonymous league executive said to ESPN last week that Andres Nocioni was "a greasy Agrentine rat"

First of all what do we know about Andres Nocioni? besides the fact that he leaves a foul trail of garlic sauce wherever goes and drinks shandys and masturbates infront of special education buses?? (from profile)

We also know he is from Argentina, "Dirtiest Country on Earth" for 3rd year according to Parade Magazine.

Lets have a look at brief history of Argentina:

Numer One:
Argentina Hid Nazis after the war.
Andres Nocionis grandmother may have hid Nazis and mated with them.
So, Andres Nocioni, you are the son of Nazis and WHore.

Number 2:
The First Argentinians were Incans, the people who tore peoples hearts out and invented The Pyramid SCheme! Andres Nocioni is a modern day Incan. Gilbert ARenas has a postgame ritual of taking of his shirt. Andre has a ritual, he goes into the stands and hits children.

Number 3:
FALKLAND ISLANDS -1982 - BItches!!!!!!

Number 4:
One of most popula r bands in Argenitna EVER was
"Los Reconditos de Ricota" which means The Little Rolls of Ricotta cheese!!
Its damn true also. I Know right?!!!

Number 5:
Argentina home to most famous dirty player, MARADOna,
who used the "hand of God" to win a soccer game and "the Nose of Montana" to clear a pile of cocaine off a bar table.

Number 6:
Argentina legalized divorce, BUT not until 1987!!!!!!

ALso ANdres Nocioni invented herpes and has a 3-legged dog called Iago.
Andres Nocioni played in the Spanish League for a team called Injusto Vagabundo.
Andres Nocioni fought with the fascists against the Lincoln Brigade in the spanish civil war.

Spain is like Argentina, a beautiful country crawling with dirty people.

They are also sore losers.
Before puny England kicked ARgentinas ass ("Pardon me, How do you like silver, Bitch!!") England sank Spanish Armada and Spain lost supremacy of seas under the rule of weak Hapsburg kings. Now Spain only has supremacy of Spanish Melodramas and tapas, which is food for pockets not men.

Bring your ass-first play again, and see what happens Dirty ANdres

Thats it. Oh also, Scott SKiles is a Stout Bitch.

posted by Wizznutzz | 4:23 PM


Tuesday, April 26, 2005  

A kid called Tim McSweeney put the Wizznutzz on his website!

Check it out!

Thanks Tim! Your website is pretty good, you sure like writing words! Keep it up!

Because you are starting out withn your website, we have two foolproof tips to help you become popular and bigtime pros like us:

Our site is designed by germans.
"weißer Raum!" (Thats german for "WHite Space!")
Germans are expensive though, but what isnt expensive is
Eye-catching Animated Gifs! And some colorful backgrounds!
Look at how exciting our old website site is!!

2. MORE Shirtless photos of actor Maury Chaykin
This will make your website "sticky" as they say

People from McSweeny website, welcome to the Wizznutzz!
Here are some some thingzz you will like on our internet site:


Tale of the Tape. Poetry Hamslam!

The foot is a thermal wonder! Make cheeseproduct while you walk 4 pennys a day!

World Famous Pistons Pacers brawl artwork! Its a Picasso!

Including Jahidis little instruction book, dark finnish cinema, chubby chasers!!

This aint no draw tippy! Open to all. Have a look at our talented fanzz!!!

Talk to GARBOT2000
Based on the thought patterns of former coach Gar Heard, and constructed by high schoolers from sudanese military hardware and old tickle me elmo circuitry, this robot will keep you fascinated for minutes! And it learns from your questions, so check back often!

Wizznutzz article on miserable broadcasters Buckhantz and Chenier that almost ran in the City Paper! Quel Vermod!

and much more!

posted by Wizznutzz | 11:16 AM


Sunday, April 24, 2005  

WOw so its really on, WIzrads Bulls TODAY. Pinch me GWiz! No, On the arm is fine!!


Dear Wizards, Ive grown accustomed to your face, the face of losing, the bits of failure in your beard prickled me. Now its like Im kissing a family member. Its odd, but Im onboard if thats what it takes, and sometimes, Steve Blake, thats what it takes.

Its almost hard seeing your baby grow up and leave the nest, especially when your baby was "incurably" retarded and then you answer an ad in the back of SLAM! magazine for Doctor Gilberts Magic Soap "1001 Uses! Clean Body Clean Mind! Juan Dixon Approved!" and suddenly your child is a Mechanical Enginner and makes love to ladies. But I will welcome strong new feelings in my body this week, but pray they will be gentle with me because its been a long time.

The papers in Chicago seem to be giving the edge to the Bulls. In the tribune they give the Bulls the nod because of "INTANGIBLES"

You want intangibles? Intangibles Thy name in GILBERT! There is no more tangibility in Gilberts mind than there rests sanity upon the straw of the coldest french mental hospitals.

Back to CHicago where years ago we were swept by SALIERI in 3 game but times have changed and now not even Scott Skiles wants Michael Jordan anywhere his team, because he sees MJ for the unswept stone, besmeared with sluttish time, that he is. He doesnt want Sallys losing ways to rub off. There will be no Pep Talk "Go Get Them You Flaming Faggots!" Sally is what they call "A COOLER" in Vegas and in life. But the Wizznutzz have the word JUMPMAN written on our foreskin in Sharpie because we never forget and we want to keep our enemies close to us and we want to keep the men in the urinals next to us as far as possible. And when we are stirred by victory our members delare "FORE!" as God rolls down natures drop top.. oh where was I

MJ. The wizards will be going into CHicago in 30 minutes! to avenge the loss to MJs Bulls in 97 but also to avenge the pox that Jordan lay on our doorstep those 3 years in DC. This is one last chace for us to release our hate towards Air Adultry and then we will wash away the bitter taste onced and for all like Gilbert Arenas washes away the poor first half with a fully-clothed halftime shower.


A man called JON CARAMANICA (not his real name) wrote in the New York Times last weekend about how even NIKE and Spike Lee (aka MULES INC and Mars Blackmon, Senior Stable Boy) are putting Jordan out to pasture.

The story is awesome especuially for capturing the gradual psychological horrors of a once great man coming to grips with his mortality but not coming to grips with it, about a candle that burned out before the legend ever did, about a man who is aoutlived by his boots, and the pain of other analogies! The Death of a Salesman!

It should be called THE OLD MAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE!!!

You cant see the article online, but one really great part was this:

"To remain relevant - or rather to avoid a slow erosion of integrity - Brand Jordan is slowely shifting its association away from the faiible individual (VERY GENEROUS JON) aqnd toward the unassailable image frozen in memory. SO in a recent series of ads, the idol is being killed off, one 30-second clip at a time."


btw NIKE, you are WAY too late to stop the "erosion of brand integrity". Did we learn nothing from World War 2? There was a reason that Goebbels Active Wear brand was suddenly last years look whenj the Thrid Reich fell.

One day soon, kids wont even know Michael Jordan was a real player, he'll be like Colonel Sanders. No one will know he was a real dude, with real chicken seasoning skills, they will think MJ is just a logo, a mascot,not a real guy who could really dunk and intimidate his family and was a joyless predator and who ate real white peaches.

And thats fine with the wizznutzz. We say Mike is Dead.
A he died doing what he liked doing best, being a a pawn in a game of soulless materialism.

posted by Wizznutzz | 5:23 PM


Friday, April 22, 2005  


YES!!!! GO to GOD SHAMMGODS mixtape for:


posted by Wizznutzz | 3:29 PM



August Strindberg Delivers a Playoff Peptalk:

For this old man, excitement such as this is akin to a pinkie-fingered caress from a mountain lass -- tantalizing, erotic, unfamiliar and yet utterly anticipated. What can be done between now and Sunday? Self-loathing can only fill so many hours of a day -- and I must confess, even self-loathing is hard to muster when one is a part of such a winning team. I am of course referring to the Wizznutzz squad, who this year have gloriously propelled their franchise, even without the services of Jaarko, who has been suffering from plantar fascitis and a severe groin pull. Perhaps he will return for the playoffs -- but if not, no matter -- for we have Mistye Ruffin on our side.

Caress on, mountain lass! The second roundawaits!
We will not rest until we meet the Dark Lad, Beno Udrih! Speravit infestis!

posted by Wizznutzz | 3:26 PM


Thursday, April 21, 2005  

What an amazing run for all of us! ANd its not over! The Jared Jeffries fishing trip has been postponed! The wizznutzz too are in a playoff push with some madspecial things coming up, starting with this!!!!:

We take you back, way back, the year is 1978....

posted by Wizznutzz | 12:35 PM


Wednesday, April 13, 2005  


Thats Right, The Tyson Chandler - Kwame Brown REMATCH IS ON TONITE!!!

As you hard core fanz know, Kwame takes his Tyson matchup real serious. SOmething about being 1-2 in the draft and having something to prove, but whatever it is , when these to have gotten together, you always see PASSION and INTENSITY.... for the full 10 minutes they are on the court!!!! Expect no different tonight. The trash talking has already started:

Said Bacon-Weight Chandler:
"Like Kool Moe Dee says: Im Icin' , Im Tyson, Im a Soldier At War"

Said Kwame Brown
"Im gonna eat your babies Scott Skiles"

Said Andrew gaze:


posted by Wizznutzz | 6:33 PM



The Wizards ARe In the Playoff Push!

Like Kwame Brown in a French Restaurant, this is exciting new terriotory for all of us!!!!!

It also mean that finally the Wizards are getting some positive press.

Check out this awesome article on Page Two by Eric Neel.

SOme highlights:

- Michael Jordan is dead and gone.
It took awhile, but the Baby Bulls no longer sweat his shadow-casting ghost. And the Wizards, who once were his errand boys, are finally their own men.
So when Chicago and Washington play Wednesday night, with playoff positioning at stake, they'll do so free and clear of their respective MJ legacies, one club trying to live up to what he was, the other to what he wanted it to be.

- Kwame Brown was a shell-shocked baby crawling around looking for the last shred of his self-esteem

- Guys are looking for the big kid. They're throwing little floaters to him on the run, working a bit of inside-out with him, giving him the head nod and finger point on the way back down the floor. MJ and Collins were all over Brown. They had him second-guessing his name and telephone number. It's going to take awhile to see what he has (remember, he's still just 23), to get him back to confident. But if Kwame makes it, if Gil and Larry help ease him into it, the Wiz might really have something.
If he makes it, they might be dancing on Michael Jordan's grave.

Damn Straight Eric!

To all those fans who "lustily booed" Kwame Brown the other night at home: you are a disgrace and little whores.

I can understand the lust part, but the boos!?!?!? ARE YOU CRAZY!
Stats dont tell the story. Kwame has shown aggression and hustle like never before. He keeps his feet sqaure, doesnt bite on fakes like those who "hustle". He is finally making strong moves to the rim. AND he changes diapers. Sure he doesnt finish so good yet and is inconsisntent but you BOO AGE, CHEER YOUTH!

Are you the same retard fans who chanted "WE WANT ROD!" at a preseason scrimmage to tell Wes Unseld to sign Rod Strickland to a bloated contract -- which he did, when he would have signed for a parking voucher for Chico Debarge and a duffel bag of steamed franks.... ????

Kwame doesnt have a heavy and humorless contract (and soul!) like Juwan. Hes young and developing and enormous and your boos will be like a lullaby that puts the woken giant back to sleep.

We have relied on Boogie and Gilbert to get us this far with all the injuries, but if you think we will win a playoff series that way you are crazy. Eric neel is so tru: this last week is time for our big men to get as many touches and too feel as loved as possible by the little ball touchers, to get the ALCHEMY EFFECT (TM) like "DianeSamCoach."

And with all the Wizards have given you this year there is no excuse to boo anybody out on the floor. Week after week setting franchise precedents, sweeping teams, scoring triple digits, going to all star game, making the damn playoffs. We have a pocketful of nuts, we have hope, we have memories. This is all just the Bacon on the Cake!!

"Boom Goes the Baconman!!!!"


ALso if you are an "Insider" you can read this article
on the statistical madness that is the Wizards .


An awesdome Gilbert Arenas character study from Sports Illustrated last month.

If you read this article yopu will learn frightening and amazing Gilbert oddities!

1. Gilbert runs with his pitbulls on Treadmills!
He learned this routine from an offseason visit to Exeter England, the home of the Jarvis Hayes working Beef and Sheep Farm!
Jarvis showed Gilbert his prized Fighting Sheep that he trains on these ingenious local contraptions:

2. Gilbert Doesnt Sleep!
Other people who don't sleep include hi-powered CEOs, people being tortured, and NASA employees that make catastrophic errors at the console.

3. Gilberts Dad Was In an Episode of Miami Vice!
He was Tubbs body double!!
Gilbert Senior's linen suits and too much colgone prepared young Gilbert him for life in the NBA. It also explains Gilbert pregame ritual of listening to Glen Fry on his Sony Dreammachine.

4. Coach Jordan calls Gilbert "A Straight Line Assassin"

And Page 4's own David Wesley calls him "a bitch to guard"

Thats funny, because Jahidi White.... well u know where this is going!!!! -- called Steve Blake "a Bitch to guard" during a lockeroom interview in 2004. In that lockeroom Jahidi was known by the media as "Greenspan" owing to the reserves of Kool cigarettes he kept stacked in his locker. With that green currency, Jahidi set the exchange rates for locker rooms SUSANS.

Brent Price's Prison Bitch Name is "SkidMArks"!!!


posted by Wizznutzz | 5:26 PM


Monday, April 11, 2005  

Hey everybody, it's Dana!!! I'm drunk on my ass from Bartle & James, two old gents I met in a Denny's parking lot in Bowie!!! One of them claimed to be Mr. Pollin. I counted the rings around his neck and said, "You're only 79, Mr. Bartle!" The other man claimed to have been "G-Wiz" back before he serated himself over prostration and Cialas abuse. I looked at him and his stained pants and I said, "I believe you, Mr. Stackhouse!" Then I thought of long lost Basket, the proto mascot of the Washington Seadogs, birthed in the Abe Pollin Invitro Farm and discarded in Oxen Hill near Larry's Comfort Zone and Discount Cigarette Emporium.

Even with losing streak it's hard not to be excited for this time of year, especially because of all the nice weather and all the Pollin in the air---some call him MR. DRUMMOND!!!! WHOP FRAZIER!!!

Oh lord this booze is good like a gimpy Steve Blake aka Rattus Norvegicus!!!

YOU CAN HOBBLE, BUT YOU CAn'T HIDE FROM DANA !!!!!!!!!!! I shall make a desirous, distended specimen of our love.

posted by Wizznutzz | 8:55 PM




posted by Wizznutzz | 9:18 AM


Tuesday, April 05, 2005  

March Madness if finally over! For the Unseld family, March madness is a difficult time of year. And it has little to with basketball. Its when the family goes to stay with the inlaws while Wes locks himself into his bedroom with a dozen cans of cream of bacon soup, 4 wet towels, a plastic bucket, rubber mittens, soap, and a 1976 Sears catalog.

I did terrible in my bracket this year, again! But Jaarko came second in the Qyntel Woods Dog Fighting bracket!! He was the only one who had Avery Johnsons' Japanese Tosa Inu "Chelsea"! (She is small for a wardog, and well groomed, but looks can be deceiving because Avery MUST be trainer of the year for the way he keeps her in a deeply abused mental state.)

Antawn Jamison returns tonite!

All month 'Twans been talking about how coaches had to hold him back from roaring onto the court with his bung knee like a jukebox hero, but the jukebox has a broken record, and that record is a called "If you really wanted to play you would play, if you really wanted to talk about how you want to play, then thats what youd would do, and you do do that" Its by a band called BOYZ 2 MEN.

He did it twice in once article today!

"If it was up to me, it would have been a possibility to play two weeks ago," said Jamison
"If it was up to me, it'd be every game," Jamison said.

Its OK we cant all be "STRAIGHT LINE ASSASSINS" (as Coach Jordan calls Gilbert) and Tru Warriors like LBoogie who is playing with a shattered pelvis and a weak chin. Its OK to be a finesse player, thats what we got u for Twan: finesse, finesse like Colin Powell, fineese like Tubbs!

posted by Wizznutzz | 9:35 AM


Wednesday, March 30, 2005  

Its So great to have Dana back!!

We desperately need that ladys touch, even at $5 a touch!!

Also great is the Wizards travelling out West harvesting nuts and taking names.
This team is saying all the right things about getting that home court and when they do and the Bulls come to town expect Michael Wilbon aka Sancho Panza to be running with them, finally saying all the obvious things the real fans have known for a while, that this team has HI-NRG chemistry from sticking together for a few years , that we need to wrap LBoogie up longtime, that these guys have athletes pride and miracle hops and Indiana Jones arms, and Star Jones appetites, and he will say a few things that we dont like, such as Eddie Jordan being a "players coach" (because hes black???) and Ernie Grunfield being a patient mastermind (because hes white?). But thats for later. ...

For now, the Wiz smoked Portland.!!
Poor Blazer assistant coach Jimmy THE RAT Lynam.
You know Jimmy Lynam, former Bullets coach and only surviving member of the The Lattimer Mine Massacre ???
The Rat is too old for this shit and you could see it in his hollowed eyes and mad hair.
Jimmy Lynam should be doing what he does best, running numbers at the local greyhound track and reviewing books on Amazon

Check out the Lynam Family Crest!!!

And befoire that the Wiz were Sleepless in Seattle!
The backcourt filled up the stat sheet but if you saw that game you know the heart and soul of the victory came from the big men down low, battling and scrapping for every rebound.

5 players are hurt and nobody has the heart to wake Peter John Ramos so that means...

10 Day Contracts!!!!
April is the Wizznutzz favorite time of the year because traditionally the teams stars are sitting out their sore knees and big egos anmd booking their 8-day beach rentals and the team is lottery bound and its time to play the bench and this is how The Ten Day Generation was born.

But nobody told Damone Brown, because he is throwing down slams and draining three-pees like a salty vet!!

The best thing about Damone Brown is that he looks like an "If They Mated" between Randell Jackson and RIP Hamilton, and with his lanky midrange ways, he plays like it too!!

And you know what. They may have mated!
Not in the normal way, so how you ask?

Think about it, the Abe Pollin In Vitro Farm wasnt officially shut down by the Feds until 2001 after an investigation into the Snakehead fish led to the cold concrete halls beneath the Cap Centre, and by 2001, both RIP and Randell had provided urine samples to the Washington Bullets like the league required, except the league reuires a doctor collect them, and NOT Wes Unseld in his duffel bag. Landover residents breathed a sigh of relief when the Farm was shut down and the area quarantined. They remember the horrible tragedy of "The Ledell Experiment" that went awry. How could they forget? But some of these same residents again are reporting some odd activities these days. Especially a "huge limping giant" in a dark coat that moves in the shadows at night. He talks to himself and takes rests every 100 paces.
And Where is Wes Unseld these days one must ask?
Wes Unseld is like Hagrid the Gamekeeper from Harry Potter, (except he doesnt have magic abilities and he hates children.)

But the rest sounds veerry familiar:

"Hagrid the half-giant, is Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts. He is a former pupil who left due to 'personal reasons', but who has returned to maintain the school grounds out of loyalty to Dumbledore."

Professor Dumbledore aka Abe Pollin aka Dobby the Nietzschean House Elf needs loyal Wes because only Wes has the hulking size to subdue the Farms more aggressive offspring. Think about it, he can break the strongest ones, and because of his emotionaly impotence he can withstand the psychological horrors of living in cramped spaces with the Farms more inwardly haunted tennants and their screams and rolled back eyes. He is perfect to care for the Magical creatures. Like "GregMallard-rr27" the duck that had a beard and revenge on its mind?? and like that "Wild Boar" the Park Service had to shoot dead on the tennis court.
That "boar" that was wearing jewerly and cologne and the Ranger swore he heard scream:
"There is no pain! There is no law!" but THAT never made it into the report, and why would because its crazy, right???

ANyway.... DAMONE BROWN!!!

Damone Brown, when you sign a 10 Day contract with Washington, you sign a life time deal with us!!!
You are a wizznut all-star for life!

And thats Because we ALL get up in the morning a fight for ouir dreams, fight for our chance at those 10 special days. Some of us are lucky, some of us arent. Some of have our ten days, some of us never will. But we keep at at it because you never know. Your ten days may come on the basketball court, they may come in a Myrtle Beach Wendys, but thats what makes life special, the circle of life, sometimes they say it looks more like a small line of life, with 10 stops on the way and darkness dropping off the end and creeping in from behind.

Speaking of creeping darkness...

I figured Laron Profit would cure cancer before he would start in the NBA!
(This doesnt mean he won't cure cancer though. Every time I try to get my dad to stop smoking, he just coughs and says "Who are you, Laron Profit?")

And Kwame is playing with some passion.
He is actually dunking the ball and fighting with teamates on the bench because he cares so much.
Am I the only one who noticed that when he scowls, how much Kwame looks like MJ?!!
As August Strindberg said to me between big mouthfuls of watermelon at the easter intern picnic:

"The young one is free of Dr Frankenstein now, but the black heart so crudely transplanted still beats dreadfully within the innocent monsters chest. "

Etan has added a spin move and midrange jumpshot to his game and has becoming what Lord Alfred Tennyson declared "double trouble".

Jared Jeffries has developed into a real tool!
He finds the holes in the floor and fills them with hisself, puckers his lips and blesses the ball with a "mind the gap" on the way to the rim.
Everyone knows about the "All-Madden Team", but not as many know about the "All Schneider Utility Belt. "
This is a team of players that actor Pat Harrington Jr. selects every year.
If you make it into the Schneider Belt its the highest honor for utility players and means you do what needs to be done when it needs doing.
Others inducted into the belt with Jefferies this year included former Oriole Jonny Reboulet, Indians player CHico Salmon, and actor Max Von Sydow!!!

Also on the JJ front, Wizards Insider reported yesterday that he wrote "Lil' 2" on his kicks before the game to honor his hardwood mate, Brendan Haywood, aka "Lil 1" (whose hands somehow just managed to get even smaller!)

Did u know: "Little Number 2" is also what the nurses call Abe POllin at the Bethesda Center for Proctitis!?!?!

And Fianlly, Welcome all our latest readers!!!
is ikea owned by nazis
gangsta theatre plays
Chingy is gay
hamsters movie clips
how to make oil and vinegar dressing for 20 people

posted by Wizznutzz | 10:51 AM


Monday, March 28, 2005  

Hello everybody, this is Dana, WizzNutzz intern of yore and lore. Where have I been, you ask? A District girl with a heart of gold, a mouthful of Rod and a hooka load of collie weed? Good question, dear, good question.

I've had a long, tough road ever since I became a star of, the Clyde to Ken Beatrice's Bonnie in a fear and loathing month into the heart Vicente Fox's nuevo Mexico (all aboard the Zapatista Xpress, welcome to Chiapas, where the only thing stronger than the M16s is the peyote salsa), and the surrogate love interest of Rod Strickland and Chico DeBarge---often at the same time, but only in the back of Rod's El Camino in the parking lot of TGIFridays in Bowie.

I got my GED, enrolled in Montgomery County Community College for a Automotive Air Conditioning Specialist Certificate, and have generally stayed off the streets---except for Friday nights at Fifth and E streets NW, outside the U.S. Court of Appeals, where you cannot beat the "judge money." I dress up as a transgendered male, and in one evening I make more duckets off dudes in robes than Peter John Ramos does over the course of one weekend being tested for deformities in Abe Pollin's In Vitro Farm.

Yet even so it's been hard to be happy, what with all the winning and all. Because the team is so good I can't even call in to radio shows to suggest trades like I used to, my original claim to fame!!! I called Scott Jackson one night this year to suggest a trade of Kwame, Gilbert, Antawn and L Boogie for Mitchell Butler and Michael Adams, but Jacko said, "Smoke some more weed, Dana" (so I did) and hung up on me.

But now that my emotional moisture has returned, I'd like to think I've returned to the WizzNutzz. Or more better, the WizzNutzz have returned in me. What this means is that I'll see all of you in the cheap seats, the truck beds, and the hard woods, as well as on the basketball courts.

Then again, all it takes is one delivery of El Tocino Revolucionario (a bacon-scented peyote that cannot be resisted) and I might disappear again into "Samaki's World."

Also, don’t worry, Ken Beatrice is still alive! He told me some months ago that he was going "Schiavo," which means that the Scandinavian spa styles he so loves must finally be working!!!


posted by Wizznutzz | 8:45 PM


Friday, March 25, 2005  

Darvin was beat up but up beat!

Thanks for everybody who cared and let us know they were praying for Darvin.
Thank you Bram for sending the get well teddy bear, it was thoughtful of you to cross out the bears TShirt where it says "I F**ked Bram Weinstein" with a magic marker and write "Get Well Soon!"
And also thanks to Wes Unseld, who crossed of the words "9mm Ammunition" and wrote "Be a Man" instead on that box of bullets you sent, We turned your present over to the authorities!

The wizznutzz gang is a peace gang, as you know and we are sad that domestic violence has become so bad that its now coming into peoples home lives!!! Nobody deserves to be crowned by their lady, especially a simple intern. A simply awesome intern! There is no reason to hurt others, unless they sign a waiver like Ken Beatrice does.

The Wizznutzz ask to Increase the Peace! And we know Abe Pollin that u r dedicated to the community so we ask you:
Change the name of "Wine" to "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Cake"!!!!

Also we recommend drinking wine in empty Pepsi cans the way Jesus enojyed it after a long day of carpentry and miracles! Or like Dana, you can pour wine into Capri Sun bladders, which can be like a pouch of courage in a Leesburg motel room

We ask everyone to respect Darvins privacy and to keep a forgiving mind when thinking of Lady Ham, because even though she doesnt like Darvin spending time with us and even though she was named after an allergy medication, Darvin loves her like bacon loves the morning sun.

As a symbolic act of support, the Wizznutzz took all of our wine and buried it in a shallow grave in the childrens sandbox across from our office.

But There were a few very special botles that we kept because they are rare and important to us personally.

Here is a list of those special wines in the Wizznutzz cellar:

Chataeu Hamslam
Red Style Wine Product

We already introduced you to this agressive blend
Awarded 95 points by Wine Combat Magazine! !

Randell Jackson

West Bank

This is a dry, 100% Kosher white wine. It displays a lean, angular structure.
The grapes lack maturity however, and this wine is a developmental project.
Best drunk on Tuesdays!
Imported from Israel.

J. Whites
Leavenworth Pruno Reserva

This is what wine tasters refer to as a "big wine"
The King Brut has notes of cured meat and buttocks.
The unique fermentation proccess involves last-growth oranges and ammonia
which imbues the wine with a solitary, desperate character.
Astringent and heavily fortified, this appelation makes a fine correctional wine!

Chateau LaSooz
Cabernet Franc

Chateau LaSooz has marketed this brand aggressively, and with good reason.
This is a confident, almost masculine white with hints of green apple and pear and an exciting mouth feel.
Look for the distinctive label, which features the smiling head of Susan O'Malleys and the big red words: "DRINK ME!"
This wine is a favorite of gulpers.

Northern Lights
Roscoe Wallace
Yerba Mala

This mellow red is prized for its musty flavor. It displays an herbaceuous personality, with hints of Indiana hay. Harsh finish.
Early vinatages may cause baldness.

Terrapin Bay Wines
Steven Blake Rusty Bay
Still 96
"Gout de Terroir"

The Still 96 is what we refer to as your “basic jug wine”.
A great wine for sitting around and avoiding!
It is a pallid wine, with colors of light straw.
The heavily inbred varietal results in a sweaty wine, with pungent character, and disagreeable notes of raccoon urine and buckshot.
Exhibits substantial bottle stink.
"Gout de Terroir" tranlates to "Taste of the Ecosystem"
Many do not want to put this wine in their mouths when faced with the odor. But be brave, what lies beyond can be glorious.!
Illegal in California.

Terrapin Bay Wines
Mont Jaggers
PG County Semillion

Under the direction of obsessive winemaker Juan Dixon, Mont Jaggers is the little winery that could.
This Semillion has a young but meticulous composition. With a 94% alocohol content this wine is enjoyed for its antiseptic qualities and displays an underestimated grease-cutting formula.

Brown Brother
Le Homme Enfant

Saviour Ranch Noveau

The breathtaking Saviour is made from first growth pinot grapes, which are very sensitive to environmental factors and difficult to ripen and accordingly produce a wine that is fragile and easiliy humiliated.
This bottling exhibits a firm, pliant acidity offset somewhat by its uneven, unpredictable finish.
Hints of ebony and black cherry. Displays long, occasionally akimbo, legs but very small hands.
Screw top. An excellent salad wine.
Shake before serving.

Senor Ike's
Kneehigh Premier Roquefort Sangria

The gold standard in cheese wines, the Premier Roquefort boasts a buttery texture.
Boot aged. Spreadable.
Available in 2%

posted by Wizznutzz | 3:07 PM


Tuesday, March 22, 2005  


Wizznutzz interns under gag order! (Ken now has 2 gags!)

Lots of incites on Thursday!

"Ham was bleeding...."

those are words you don't forget quickly

posted by Wizznutzz | 3:03 PM


Friday, March 11, 2005  


We break down Etan Thomas and Wizznutzz own August Strindberg!!

posted by Wizznutzz | | 2:00 PM

Wednesday, March 09, 2005  

30 Minutes 0-8 2 Points.

posted by Wizznutzz | | 1:29 PM

Tuesday, March 08, 2005  

As the Wiz weather some tough injuries on the road and dark cold moves over the area, I am reminded of our beloved comcast broadcasters, Steve Buckhantz and Phil Chenier.

Last years controversial Wizznutzz City Paper article has been moved to its own page!


posted by Wizznutzz | | 3:29 PM

Monday, March 07, 2005  

Head over to Gods MP3 Mixtape for some awesome wiz sound bites!

posted by Wizznutzz | | 2:33 PM

Sunday, March 06, 2005  

Dallas Mavs' Jerry Stackhouse, his tenderized groins, and his female knees returned from the PBA tour, and from making harassing phone calls to former lover G-Wiz, to play second time in a row today!! He lead his team to a 90-69 loss to the Houstons Rockets, shooting 4 of 17!!! Just like old Wiz times, Stack!!!!

posted by Wizznutzz | | 12:36 PM

Friday, March 04, 2005  

I'm back from Oztralia!!!
It was an awesome trip as usual.
At partys when he's feeling bold, Phil Chenier calls Australia "The Floating Turd" -- totally UNTRUE mulch eyes!

I drank wine out of a box, and I rode a tram, and I saw TAP DOGS three times!!!
Tap Dogs was everything I dreamed it would be: athletic, and honest and funny and handsome and it said some important things that don't get said enough in these times, and those things were said by men dancing in work boots. The best way!!!
"Australian for Beckett!!!" (tm) Haha

They have the most amazing wildlife downunder, like wallabys, and the "platypus" and also the echidna: its like a cousin of the porcupine so you dont want to kiss this cousin!!!! Former Bullet Hubert Davis couldnt even kiss the Echidna if he wanted to. Thanks to the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, Huberts cousin kissing days are over!!!!

Another awesome species I met were BOGANS!!!!!
Bogans are the neo-rural moderns of Australia. Some ways you can identify bogans include wearing singlets, driving BMX bikes and Toranas (a car!), drinking beer on trains and wearing form-fitted acid wash jeans. And the form that they fit is scrawny, fidgets and is always moving! They are like Canadian hockey fans but less fashionable. They also have "mullet" hair and droll personalities, and also they have a powerful and unrecognized ennui. (Can you have angry ennui?!?!?!?)

The charming indigenous creatures will have you yelling "CROCODILE BON JOVI!!!!"

Australia also has Andrew Gaze!!! Former Bullet and current Whey-Face!!!

Andrew is the Australian Michael Jordan except without the talent and bitter narcissism. (He does openly sleep with white women though!)

Andrew Gaze was part of the "10 DAY GENERATION".
Thats the big neglected family of ballers who played for the Bullets on 10-day contracts during the 90s.
In many ways, Australia is like a nation on 10-Day contractors playing for Team England!!!!

Anyway, Andrew Gaze was too short for an NBA forward and too slow for a guard. He is also too slow to run from bogans which is why he mostly stays in the city.


ANdrew Gaze's Internet Website!!!

Now for some INCITES and hotLINKZZ

The wiz have been slipping recently, but like Gilbert Arenas when hes bricks a few threepees then steps up and drills one from 40 feet, the wiz are "Bipolar" and im not talking about Dana's camera phone at the Kwame Brown and Brendan Haywood meet-and-greet!!!!! what am I saying, Oh yeah, so the wiz have unmolested confidence and also madness enough to stay out of a slump for too long. Plus with Kwame Brown back the press photographers have to apply a special handsomeness-lens on their cameras.!!!
Kwames going to rack up more double doubles than Noah! !!!
(Even though this IS a contract year and kwame knows more than anybody that contract years are a time for relaxing and enjoying your life because who knows where youll be next year??!! )

Last week a kid in the MCI center had a sign saying "Its my birthday Gilbert can I have your shirt" and Gilbert gave it to him.
Hey, so does "Y Fronts" have a hyphen??

Catch your breath quote From the Post last week:

With Hughes back, the Wizards are hopeful that they will at least have that swagger again.
"It's a confidence that I've grown up with, as far as knowing that everybody puts their pants on the same way," Hughes said.

Every time he put his pants on correctly, Abe Pollin also beams a big smile.
What confidence is to a young man, dignity is to the old!

Also, the Charlotte Bobcats signed guard Cory Alexander. Like Courtney Alexander, former Wiz player and MJ protege...
There is no U in "Cory" but there is a U in "MULE".

To make room for Cory the Bobcats waived...
You can move a mountain it seems. Poor Jahidi. This means the Bobcats will have less size coming off the bench and that the team showers will no longer involve the barter system, bloody towels or Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" on the boombox .

Jahidi had been out with a sore shoulder and he had frustrated team trainers by forgoing traditional treatments of massage and strengh training and instead opting for rubbing liberal amounts of Ghee on his bad wing. Jahidi reacted the way he often does in stress, he beached himself. Scientists insist its a navigartional malfunction but those who know J Chubb best know that its the result of indescribable grief and his very tiny brain.


Eddie Jordans midle name is "Montgomery"!

Awesome peek into Brendan Haywoods Soul!:

What do you do in your spare time?
I do some reading. I love my PlayStation. And I spend some time on the computer on the Internet. There’s a lot of exploring to be done out there.

If they made a movie about you, who would play you?
What’s the guy’s name in Biker Boyz?

Kid Rock.
Not him, the other guy. He was in Antwone Fisher?

Denzel Washington.
Not him either. Everybody wants to be Denzel. Denzel can’t play everybody.

Does he mean Djimon Hansou????

TY LUE takes a swing at NAFTA Scab!!!

Wizznutzz got your back Ty Lue aka Japanese Pocket Mule, aka baby lue year aka...

And finally check out these trulife awesome MSN search results that found there way to!

-nils lofgren potomac Maryland
-Pictures Of Doug Hamsters
-Young and naked (we are #4!)
-Faye dunnaway
-Funny pictures of mules (we are #2!!!)
-possum mating calls (#2 !!)

posted by Wizznutzz | | 3:15 PM

Thursday, March 03, 2005  

Etan Jams---POETRY SLAMS!!!

Did you know about Etan's poemtry reading 2night in D.C.? FREEEE!

Be there or be AVERY JOHNSON!!!

More Than An Athlete
Book Launch!!
Cada Vez , 438 U St. NW
Doors open at 6 p.m.
Performances by Etan Thomas, Q-da poet and Olu Butterfly. Hosted by jessica Care moore. Live Music and DJ. Co-sponsors: Full Circle -Network of Professionals. Book signingfollows performance. FREE! 202-667-0785

Click here for Harlem and OTHER dates!!!! AND TO HEAR ETAN read a poemtry!!!!

And here we've put up our very own page of


that we've collected over the years, including alleged !!! outtakes from Etan's book and writings by FAMOUS NEW YORK ER ROCK CRITCIS!!!!

Enjoy with a fine white wine from the pinot grigo region---and A BIG CONE OF COLLIE WEED!!!!

Buy More Than An Athlete Here!!!

posted by Wizznutzz | | 9:29 AM

Tuesday, February 08, 2005  

ex-Bullet Rip Hamilton signs awesome endorsement deal with Goodyear Tires for his Triple Tread Head!!!!

This is the second time in recent timezz that a DC baller has made a hair-based businees deal.

In 2001 Charles TREEBEARD Oakley received compensation from "Balkan Angels," a Serbian Massage Parlor, because his hair resembled Angry WHores!!

posted by | | 2:00 PM

Saturday, February 05, 2005  

August Strindberg reporting from the field.

Ah, the comforts of a rancid old overcoat! The pockets are lined with mildew and the lapel encrusted with a long-forgotten crab bisque -- nevertheless, in the words of siren Norah Jones, "feels like home."
Such is the onrush of rushing emotion I feel upon a fourth consecutive defeat, this last at the hands of the Rosecrucian child-king Ja-len. Winter began late this year, but it is surely upon us now, and there are surely many blizzards yet ahead. And such is our fate, such is our destiny, such is where we truly belong. We flew too high indeed, and though the views were magnificent, the air scourged our lungs -- it was no place for vermin such as ourselves. Nay, better down below, amidst the muck, where we can be at peace.

I leave you with an INCITE -- more of a question, perhaps, as all conclusions are at their heart. Young Gilbert was quoted in today's Post of Washington thusly:

"I think it hurt us a lot," Arenas said of his ejection. "Excuse my French,but we were beating the [stuffing] out of them."

Why could not these francophobic philistines preserve his eloquence in its original form?

"Mais nous battions le bourrage hors d'eux."

What bourrage do they fear?

posted by | | 11:27 AM

Friday, February 04, 2005  

So the other day President George Bush handled RaSheed wallaces baby on National TV.
We didnt say anything here on the Wizznutzz because I actually thought it was a dream. But it wasnt!! and so we will have incites soon! (That thing with George Lopez holding a tiny naked Condaleeza Rice, that WAS a dream it turns out!)

Meantime A WIzznutz POLL!

Kwame Brown has a daughter called "Kwameeri". (TRU fact)

Now Rasheed Wallace named his daughter "Rashiyah."

Some may say these players are in a burlap sack wrestling a possum, a possum called NARCISSISM, but we say loving thyself is better than loving the dollar only, like when Scott Skiles sold naming rights to HIS daughter, "Topol"(tm) Skiles.


Whos Your Fav Wizznutzz Baby????

Rexeen Chapman
Randella Jackson
Gheorgette Mursean
Ripley Hamilton
Tracy Murray
Larry-Jayne Hughes
Michelle Ruffin
Minutiae Bol
Garla Heard


posted by | | 4:03 PM

Tuesday, February 01, 2005  

So Michael Wilbon breakzz his season-long silence on the Wizards.

Sure Big Daddy Fame may indeed be a national TV star and fancy himself Black Buddha of the sports pages but he is still a Washington Post columnist and his continued efforts to wash his hands of DC sports teams is SCANDALOUS.

Wizznutzz say, too little, too late Mister HMS Fairweather!!!!!

Salieri rode into our little hamlet on your well dressed back but a well dressed mule is a mule nonetheless. And now you want nothing more than to have K Hein. and B Gord. strip you down and ride you around the room -- not in a gay way of course, but just two young naked men riding another larger sycophantic man yelling “faster faster, Star Jones!” completely secure in their sexuality.

Come NBA All Star weekend, aka BLACK THANKSGIVING expect to see Michael in line at the Ty Chandler After-Party, slipping behind the velvet rope with a Bundaberg and Coke in one hand and a fleece mitten in the other, reporting for duty as Chicago’s official team fluffer. And MDubzz, when you and Luc Longly finally pull up to LBoogie’s understated AllStar gathering of poker and crabs, late into the night, you will be TOO LATE to the party, your lips sweet with the smell of Ma Curry’s Sweet Potato Hash, and sour with the taste of betrayal.

You could have really helped bring the Wiz to the world, you could have sung the Body Arenas, but instead we have to rely on things like THIS to generate buzz.

You wont see it on but if you have GWiz’s unlisted number (as we do) you can arrange a “Honeymoon Package” for A LOT less. For only $50, GWiz with accompany you on your honeymoon and impregnate your wife! For another $20, Dave Johnson will sit in the corner in a robe and do play-by-play.


posted by | | 7:48 PM

Friday, January 28, 2005  


Squirrels and also ANTs collect seeds for the winter, while the greedy grasshopper thinks only of today and eats and eats and saves none for later.

John Williams, Rod Strickland, Scott Skiles, Tracy Murray, Ledell Eackles
Lorenzo Williams (Injured Reserve)


Jeffries: ANT! Ruffin: ANT! Dixon: ANT! Thomas: ANT!
Arenas: ANT!
(also Chocolate Chicken! )
Also the Randy Squirrel!

The ANTZ run and gun cuz trhe Wiz dont BLINK. Peter John "PJ" Ramos literally doesnt blink, because of soft Puerto Rican laws on industrial pollution. He pours gatorade in his eyes to stop them from crusting up. (In Puerto Rico the cherry gatorade running down his face was often mistaken as STIGMATA and earned him the nickname:
Peter non Colpevole ("Virgin Pete")

The team is holding strong now that LBoogie has unlaced his dancing shooz.

Juan Dixon is biting ankles with the confidence that comes from a lifetime of being told "No you cant!" and also the confidence of wearing antiseptic trousers as a young growing man.

Constable Hayes has a swollen thumb but a swollen heart as well.

B Haywood is vanishing quicker than a glass of warm scotch at an Unseld family reunion.

Jared Jeffries is playing the clutch D with go go gadget arms

Etan is getting his groove back, even though he is struggling to find his rhythm like a poet who rimes "disheveled skies" with "Nigh comes the bacon man?"

Samaki is Swahili for TINMAN!

Steve Blake is zipping around, engulfed in his signature cloud of filth, like Pigpen in Keds!

Kwame Brown has his foot in a moonboot because of Postwerior Ankle Impingement.
When he was dunked by God in Gorgeous OIl as a baby they held him by the ankle!
This is not the first Posterior Impingement to happen to a Washington baller, but it is the first that didn't involve a frozen pigtail! Holla Randell Jackson! Holla Gaithersburg Special Victims Unit!

And then of course there is Gilbert Arenas, the Original Chippendale. Gilberts passing out dimes! Hes also passes out in bathtubs quicker than Liza Minelli after a Zima breakfast!

And the mainstream media is taking notice. As we said before, Its only a matter of time until espn the magazine runs a probing profile titled: "Whats Eating Gilbert Arenas?"

They say Gilbert was a knucklehead and now hes a team player, but Gilberts still stone cold crazy.
Crazy enough to actually believe the Wizards can win.
Crazy in his twitchy smiles and shy social manner, and he is crazy in his passion for the game and crazy in his unpoplar opinions on rape in the animal kingdom.

posted by | | 4:10 PM

Tuesday, January 18, 2005  


Click on the image for the L. Boogie / Icarus Wallpaper!

posted by | | 2:58 PM

Friday, January 14, 2005  


Wizznutzz have obtained a excerpt from #1 EDUTAINER Etan Thomas' upcoming book
"More Than an Athlete"

Also check out this Etan poem on WAR.

Oh my Oakleys It really has the words "true warriers"!!!

- - - - - - - - -


I am a King of one, subject to none but
and I
Eyes pregnant with visages of players to a throne
Pretenders who have shown, their souls turn like a basketball

A revolution.

I am the last left standing, the original prophet
I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal
I cannot be comprehended except by my permission
My mons pubis is braided like Anubis before me
And now nobody can ignore me, score on me
I fill the lane with brains,
Reading futures in the stains
On my game worns.

Now I look upon my culture,
I see ballers, sure I do
Hard corers in Haute Couture, in furs
Enough to make my ancestry – stir

My brothers among me,
Kwame a black walnut tree,
Lorenzo in his Benzo, give Stevie Blake his Vitamin D
Gheorghe, the Great White Way,
My endocrine Giant is dying on the parquet

My soldier in hardwood war, Haywood
I ask: "What sound is made from the clapping of one small hand?"
A heart bigger that the prostate gland
of Abe
Honest, Master Pollin, an ego so kingly swollen, let me go,
Because the Foggy Bottom Metro is still an underground railroad

A time now of No kings,
No bling bling, a dawn for champions

Upon a time I was the first born here
In a time when King Hidi had
a taste for rookie cockery and chocolate fleece,
he held the locker room lease. Then in day
to Phoenix, his reign nixed,
I showered for the first time in peace.

And then the King of Kings came to town
Riding on devils pacts, the backs of mules.
He brought his airs,
his nostalgic cloths, he filled arenas with the moths
Of decay
With a lady of white at his side
comma, K.

Now they gave Mike a motor bike. "Ride away ride away"
But no ride can hold old men's pride
So with a wince, The Frog fired the Prince.

It was once wrote that
Of this traveler from an antique land
Two vast and balky legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Grand, half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,

"My name is Michael, King of Kings:
Look upon my works, ye Faggots, and despair!"

Nothing beside remains.
Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

But the devil, the King, he is not a man.
Its an association
That cuts the checks,
So I kneel and look this devil in the eye.

And say:
I will honor my ancestors, for I am the hiphop poet,
the last poet,
And there will be
Another last poet
After me

And as I drop my knowledge, my backpack rap
At a Republic Gardens slam, it is your soft white daughters
who swallow it all
At what price?
A two drink minimum and I think:

Now who are you calling slave?

Who is King
And who the Knave?

posted by | | 3:41 PM

Wednesday, January 12, 2005  

The wizznutzz have been away for a while but know we are back!

We were away for a couple of reasons.

One NEW MANAGEMENT AT THE CIRCUIT CITY meant we have not had access to games on NBA Kwame Pass.

Also, we looked into the eyes of Phil Chenier and awoke a week later with piles of mulch in the office. (Its Not the first time!)

And mostly, like Tony ("Jah would never give the power to a baldhead") Kornehiser says today in the Post : The wizards are like Purple Crocuses: winning is taking some time to get used to!!!
Just like Kwame Brown was hypnotized in the locker room by the slow sensual marvels of his body shifting and rising before it finally settled into the beathtaking unchaste landscape we see before us now.

The wizards are suddenly hotter that Leslie Shepphard in a wave pool!!!

And now the national media is all over the wizards quicker than a cancer-sniffing dog sidling up to Abe Pollin!

The wizards are shooting first and asking questions later and that question is "Whos Next?" and sometimes"Samaki can you pass me the biscuits?"

They are Truly living the slogan PURE ENERGY!!

This is not the first time the Washington bullets and wizards have had slogans that were SO TRU, like look at some from the past:

1996: “Balls In Motion!”
1992:”Blacks and Snacks!”
2002: “A Young Man in Shorts!”
1988: “Pungent Dreams!”
2000: “Out of our brief year slips May, and Winter lingers, and Summer flies; and sorrow abides, and pleasure dies; and the days are short, and the nights are long, and little is right, and much is wrong!”

Incite #1:
LBoogie could filch the hair of your head! Now the hole world knows what we always knew, that LBoogie has game, and it’s a deadpan game!

Incite #2:

The wizards are also winning off the court! Which makes life very hard for the wizznutzz because we are storytellers BUT But as long as we have Michael CROOKSHANKS Ruffin and GWIZ and Gilbert Arenas aka THE CHOCOLATE FREDDO there is always promise for the wizznutzz.

Wizznutzz reveal:

Gilbert Arenas has ASPERGERS game! and aspergers syndrome.

He is divinely inappropriate in his play as he is in his peculiar, stiff gaze and emotional chaos.

Further evidence of Gilberts Aspergers revealed in his coin tossing, insomniac practice habits and also in his special interests in geographical jigsaw puzzles, taking apart doorknobs, attempting to compose handwritten characters out of many very small dots just like printers, ant farms and also carbon paper and magic tricks and opening and closing elevator doors and elevator shafts and more.

Awesome mp3 of 2 men with aspergers inappropriately thinking dog violence is funny!?!?


SO I was googling then words "Iverson + Ashy + Penis" the othe rday and LO AND BEHOLD!
We forgive and miss you dana!

Hopefully Dana will come back to us soon and she can share with us all some of HER Wizards groupies experiences like how she told me once that Ledell Eakles' testicles are like "One big damn sack of softened Pruno Oranges."

Tonite Etan is getting activated!!!!!
COnme back tomorrow for some slammin Etan poetry!!!

posted by | | 3:41 PM

Tuesday, December 28, 2004  

While Wizznutzz are recovering from technical difficulties and Rasheeds Christmas PRUNO, God Shammgods Mixtape has a Clazzic gatorade blooper that reveals the vacant echoes of envy pealing inside Michael SALIERI Jordan's egoBRAIN! CHeck it Out!

posted by | | 1:17 PM

Monday, December 20, 2004

As a part of my internship program with Wizznutzz, I am required to submit related articles to local publications. Recently, using the nom de plume "Linton Weeks," I have written a series of profiles which probe beneath the surface of the modern philosopher-kings, revealing the roiling tub of heaving, stench-ridden toothworms within.
I am proud to announce that Saturday's edition of the Post of Washington prominently features my first published work, an unforgettable word-portrait of our great furrow-browed leader, E. Montgomery Jordan. Of course, the ink-stained scoundrels at the local rag slashed my writing mercilessly, in a mad quest to find more space for advertisements for ladies' panty-garments. And so here, as a Wizznutzz exclusive, I present a small excerpt of the unedited text of my essay,

"Melancholy Antonym: Coach Jordan Returns Home Again."

. . . . . . . . 


In the dream, he's with his mother. He tells her that he has come back home to Washington to coach the city's professional basketball team. She smiles at him as if he's a little child with his pants around his ankles, emasculated by the feminine serpentine.
Yes, yes, Eddie, she says,
that's great. Now eat your spaetzel and do your homework.

When he wakes in the morning, in the here and now, he's not living with his mother in Southeast Washington anymore; he's got a mansion in Potomac. He's not riding his bike all over Anacostia, adrift in a sea of aimless profundity beneath an amethyst sky; he's driving a big white SUV, a sybaritic imbiber of the sublime erotic, absinthe dripping from every nostril. And no longer is he a pubescent castrato of the dark nightworld; a half a century of ungloried labor has robbed him of that innocence.

Speravit infestis! In one of those rare instances where reality outstrips the moist mists of the dreamworld, Eddie Jordan is indeed the head coach of the Washington Wizards.
. . . . . . . . 

August Strindberg, Special to the WizzNutzz

God Bless Scoop, the only intern worth his salty pom noisettes. Us other wizznutzz interns are gathering our thoughts after our silver spring Circuit City closed and we cant watch games from the tv section no more. PLUS Garbot got sold to a young couple looking for a shiny SUB ZERO, but when they asked their young daughter a week later where she learned the phrase "YOURE A WHORE SUSAN OMALLEY" we got him back minus shipping.
big incites next week. Big Brown Kwames for christmas.
Every time a bell rings Wes Unseld feels a stabbing pain in his brain!!!

Friday, December 17, 2004

(My game is)
Outrageous, so contagious, make you crave it
(My mama made it)
So retarded, top-charted
Ever since the day I started
Strut my stuff and yes I flaunt it
THREEPIES make the girls jump on it
No, I can't control myself
Now let me do my 1, 2 step

Shoot it, don't pass it
Everybody get off the court
And don't travel
Wes about to get it on
Let me see ya
1, 2 step
I love it when ya
1, 2 step
1, 2 step
Wes about to get it on

Yo...we won. I ain't clowning neither. I ain't mess with nothing that serious. We won. No lie. PAGE 4 REPORTS THAT THE HORNETS MOTHERLOVIN WON. We beat the Coney Island Warrrrrrrrrriiiiiioooooorrrrrrrsssssss behind David DW Scoop Wesley's 18 points 6 dimes 3 thieveries. And here's the crazy part y'all...absolutely NO THREEPIES> That's right, I knew what it was gonna take to get my squad the W because I'm a TRUWARIER. I needed to get my soldiers involved so they wouldn't be sad anymore and just skip the post after showering and head home to their wives leaving me to play Live '05 in the locker room by myself like they been doing (PS2 set to "Pro" VERY VERY difficult to beat), and even though DW possesses the power to rain THREEPIES on all defenders at all times, I dimed it out while still adding my 18. Matt Freiji even had 8 points, and we just pulled him from the stands during the shootaround because Alex Garcia went down! But on the real I gotta holler at my new main man Dan Dickau FOR REAL. I was sorry to see that little crackhead Stretch Armstrong go, but this dude is coming up large for us down in the Bayou. He's become one of the Hot Boys, and we even gave him a nickname: Dick Oww. Hahaha LOL get it??!?!? His name is spelled like Dickau but you say it like Dick Oww like someone kicked him in the nutsies or something lol. By the way, you seen this dude's wife?

She becomes a dancer for whichever team he plays for and for real let's just say that I take back everything I said about our Dance squad last week because I NEED to get in their good graces so they'll go back to inviting me to their Saturday afternoon knitting circle even though my Double Front Cross skills are WEAK. But my Raised Purl is mighty like THREEPIES. DAN THE MAN PAGE 4 LOVES YOU! Let Scoop come by the crib for macchiato and pie, dog! But first, we hear:

ITEM! PAGE 4 has exclusive insider info from the place where we lay our dough also known as NEW ORLEANS for those who ain't down with the Hornerts or as I like to say THE BAYOU. Times have gotten so rough for my squad that we can't even find someone who wants to have their name on our arena! Yo, haven't they heard we WON? I better not let the boys hear about this. Last time they got news this depressing (AKA the time I murdered Bobby Phills) P.J. Brown had to wear Depends for four months. The dude COULD NOT gather the strength to pull his draws down! It took 5 consecutive lap dances at the Gold Club (on DW's black AMEX, of course) when were in town playing the Hawks for that dude to get the spark back that we all know and love. Oh man but then he felt all guilty and the whole flight back he was stealing the flight attendents' bags of peanuts to give to his wife because he was too cheap to by some flowers. LOW NRG, PJ, stay classy big boy. For real, even I'M starting to think they should just combine us with the Bobcats and let us split the home games between New Orleans and Charlotte, and that's coming from team leader and TRUWARIER!

ITEM! Reacting to San Antonio's announcement that they would retire Sean Elliot's jersey, old school legend Bernard King phoned PAGE 4 while I was at my favorite Charlotte area Shoney's (the one on Grand St. at Malvern) before the loss to the Bobcats. Damn I miss that Shoneys, they do this thing with the chocolate shakes there where they put in a swirl of vanilla and then some rainbow jimmies on top and it's SO GOOD. Me and Tractor Traylor used to get like 3 of them each and then we'd get so full that we'd throw up while doing line drills at practice it was so funny but Old Man Silas used to get sooooooooooooooo mad lol. Anyway, in his EXCLUSIVE PAGE 4 INTERVIEW The King had this to say: "Yo they trying to jive me. DW. Let me see if I got this straight. Some cat gets his kidney swapped, he plays a couple games, he retires because he ain't no thang, and then they give him a parade and put his number in the rafters? Playboy I'm a LEGEND on the streets, I blew out my knee worse than Jordan's mule after a lifetime'a whuppin', came back and was an ALL-STAR, gammin' it up all over the hardwood and what's that got me? Four palimony settlements and a cripple limp! I busted my conk out there, buddy gee, and the Knicks ain't done give me scrimp!" Sources tell PAGE 4 New York should probably retire Bernard King's number before his cashes his welfare check and cops that .38!

ITEM! Vince Carter became the only player in the history of the Association to demand a trade to the Nets! It's true! Sources tell PAGE 4 that Carter become obsessed with skinny white people with messy hair, and he started listening to music only on an iPod (guys in the league usually go with the Rocbox instead) and making comments like "Dunking is so over." Things got even more confusing when Carter posted his Top 10 Records of 2004 list on the bulletin board that guys usually put those motivational quotes on, with something called Arcade Fire at #1 and the comment "They're in Canada too, Skip [Raptors PG Rafer "Skip to My Lou" Alston], haven't you heard?" He then called up Toronto GM Rob Babcock and demanded the trade to New Jersey explaining that "they're moving to Brooklyn soon" and that he wants "to be as close to Enid's as possible." Whatever that is! Vince, you a strange dude, but PAGE 4 hollers at you, man!

Alright y'all, that's it for this week. Sorry, but DW is short on time because I gotta go pick up Karl Malone cuz we're gonna cruise some taco stands. It used to be a weekly thing between him and Kobe but for some reason Kobe doesn't want to do it no more.
And don't forget that SNITCHES GET A HOLE IN THEIR HEAD so Scoop ain't saying NOTHING!

Only in the association, kids, only in the association...

Posted by Wizznutzz gossip columnist David "DW" "Scoop" Wesley

Friday, December 10, 2004

I slang cuz I'm Wes-ley
I bang cuz I'm Wes-ley
All in the club spitting game cuz I'm Wes-ley
I bling cuz I'm Wes-ley
I serve feigns cuz I'm Wes-ley
Fuck a throwback I look clean cuz I'm Wes-ley

Another rough week for DW, but like I said last time around, the more losses we get the more Lord Bryon gets frustrated, the more frustrated Lord Byron gets the more practices he cuts short. Fewer practices = more two-waying for gossip item collection = HIGH NRG superior PAGE 4 turnout!
Hornets still have 1 win but I don't give a WHAT! No BVD, no Jamaal Magloire Vowel Slayer, what do you expect? The rest of the season I'm just like Chingy, man cuz I GOTTA GET MINE (Dropped 18 on T-Mac WHAT). How am I supposed to play with dudes like Corsley Edwards and Junior Harrington if I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THEY ARE. I don't even know if those dudes are black. They sound like some IV League clowns or something. Ima call up Big Bossman Bristow and find out. But first, we hear:

ITEM! Sources DEEP inside MSG tell PAGE 4 that the Knicks are PISSED that the D the I the D the D the Y designed the Mavs some new jerseys without coming to the Knicks first, with him supposed to be all repping for the NYC and all 'at. But it turns out Sean John is close with Mavs owner Mark Cuban (who ALSO writes stuff on the internets just like your boy DW) and Cuban wanted a replacement for those ugly ass tinfoil uni's they had last year that made them look like those baked potatoes that PJ Brown stuffs in his cargo shorts when we're at Ruth's Chris on the road because he's SO DAMN CHEAP that he eats the things for breakfast the next day so he doesn't have to pay for griddle cakes at Mickey D's like the rest of us. P.J. what is WRONG with you, man? YOU GOT THAT PAPER, ya heard so just chill, aight? That dude's straight tarded!

NEWS ANALYSIS! Yo, on the real, Puff's jerseys look clean. Man, can y'all keep a secret or what? Playing for the Hornets sucks. It sucks worse than Tyra Banks after one too many Cosmos if you believe C-Webb...or if you believe Peja but don't tell C-Webb he'd be SOOOOOOOOOOO pissed LOL. Sources tell PAGE 4 that C-Webb wonders aloud where the hairs in Tyra's shower came from!!! It sucks worse than those days back on the Falls when I had no money, no groupies, no Bentley, and no ghost of Bobby Phills using up all the hot water in my damn shower (R.I.P. PHILLY BOB)!!!!
Yo for real, The Knicks got Spike Lee sitting courtside, the Lakers got that old white dude with the big ding-a-ling who takes you out after the game and dishes rocks like Steve Nash with a habit, and the Kings are owned by a coupla clowns who OWN VEGAS CASINOS and hand out $100,000 markers to their dudes like they were Santa in an orphanage with a sack full of teddy bears and a heart heavy with egg nogg!
What do the Hornets got? One win, a move to the Western Conference, a Mashman curse, some spicy-as-hell food, a captain who don't want to play for us and cheerleaders who think giving brain means donating Q-Tips. If I wasn't leading the squad in POINTS, DIMES AND THIEVERY I'd get out this mu'fuh but I'm a TRUWARIER and will "Soldier" on cuz that's what Beyonce wants!!!

ITEM! Sources tell PAGE 4 that SNITCHES GET A HOLE IN THEIR HEAD. This is especially bad for us since we're really into this whole second career with the gossip thing (Yo BIG UP to Wizznutzz front office fo sho). The knees are giving out and the THREEPEES ain't falling like they used to and as that wildass clown Spree once said how else can I feed my family? Yes, Spree feels our pain and has been known to make his feelings known in teary cell phone calls to PAGE 4 while on the bus between particulary vicious wedgy sessions with Wally Szerbizak and the #1 Stunna as reported in last week's PAGE 4!!!!!
The first two issues of PAGE 4 have had items of Denver's fluffiest Melo Nougat, but the front office just sent down a memo that we can't talk about that dude NO MORE. He might put some money on my MOTHER [EXPLETIVE] BRAIN!!!!!! NOT COOL, Carmelo!!! LOW NRG!!!!
Sources tell PAGE 4 that Larry Brown should stay away from B-more LOL!! What ever happened to Olympic spirit and goodwill?!?!!? I think it disappeared once those Greeks figured out that Alexander was a battyboy! Looks like I need to get those Youngest Guns to protect me with their arsenal of 85-step high-fives!


ITEM! Word got out to some other column that STOLE OUR NAME that Carmelo Anthony loves stupid-as-hell cartoon monkey heads!!!!!! Call that boy Paul Frank and while you're at it holler at Josie Wales and then hit up Peter "Sears-Mart" Parker's suite and cop summadat Moet from the ice bucket because he only drinks Midori sours anyway!!!! And what's up with Little Boy Boykins wanting to stay on another floor? Last time one of our guys tried to pull that the authorities needed DNA samples from George Lynch AND Rodney Rogers!!
Bet they never taught you about THAT at Texas Christian, Lee Nailon!!! lol

NEWS ANALYSIS! It's always funny when stuff like this gets out because we all do it. Here's some INSIDE SCOOP F.or Y.our E.yes O.nly: On the road Sam Cassell AKAs as Lucille Balls (he can wrap his dingaling around his leg EXCLUSIVE TO PAGE 4!)! Shawn Kemp uses George Jung! Dirk Nowitzki thinks Dirk Diggler is too obvious so he uses Heinrich Himmer (I don't understand it but I report it anyway LOL!)! Gilbert Arenas goes by Chico DeBarge (WIZZ TORCHBEARER!!)! Kobe is tired of getting harassed so he goes by Michael Redd!
David Wesley can be found underWAIT WAIT WAIT you don't think I'ma tell you do you? They call me SCOOP but I ain't scooping MYSELF!! Okay okay I'll tell you ... Bobby Phills!

BLIND ITEM! Which dissed-on-wax baller was so pissed by a recent EXCLUSIVE to PAGE 4 report that he snapped on teammates and then dug up the body of Big Baby Jesus and pasted a cut-out of Karl Malone's face over Ol' Dity Bastard's because he's a fan of visual metaphors that leave little to the imagination? Kobe Bryant!

ITEM! Tru Warier, Pimpleface Haymaker, Facecrack Jackson and two scrubs are getting locked up! I thought I told you that SNITCHES GET A HOLE IN THEIR HEAD. PAGE 4 POURS ONE OUT for our homiez...They rep Indy but I ain't madatcha. But still, YOU SUCKAS GOT SERVED! Don't worry about DW getting into that kind of mess, us Baylor Bears handle out bizness right....we ditch your decomposing body in an abandoned quarry!!!!

Only in the association kids, only in the association...

Posted by Wizznutzz gossip columnist David "Scoop" Wesley aka DW

Friday, December 10, 2004

(except not from a cross)

Wizards say the matter being handled "INTERNALLY"
The same way Kwame Brown handled the abuse of Michael "SALIERI" Jordan internally????!!!
The venom of envy goes deep in the blood. Kwame continues to suffer CLASSIC symptoms of abuse:
Shame, eating disorders, bad skin, relationship and intimacy difficulties, time loss and now DETACHMENT.
Detahcment is part of the NARCISSUS PSYCHE-CYCLE, to be sure: the ability to leave ones own body is what makes one able to fall more in love woth oneself, for Kwame to admire the changes his body is making, from boy to man in obvious and gripping ways.
but now detachment from the social organism, THE "HUDDLE"??!!!

Wizznutzz uses in the huddle sources and found out the REAL reason kwame brown was suspended!!!
Its because He refused to change his shoes, after writing his feelings on them in Sharpie (of course same Sharpie(tm) COACH Jordan uses to applie his Bangs with).

We analised the images and present you with the transcript of the VERY words Kwame wrote on his protest boot.

your hissing, choked-up taunts
dissonate as sharp fork
tines on spent china
all my ventricles are speared
left dangling
from a metal tree
for cruel breezes
to examine clinically
whispering to the world
their expertise
wheezing sound judgements
which drop like jailers' keys
on clanging ground.

Release his soul, jailer JUMPMAN!!
MORE ON Kwame as he develops!!!!

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Eastern Conference player of the week Gilbert Arneas aka Chockity Choko the Chocolate Chicken has the Wizards in NUMBER ONE PLACE in the east!
The sky is falling! Holy Ducky Daddles!
Break out The Duckwagon, there is room for everybody on board!!!

[The Kevin Duckworth DUCKWAGON celebrity Custom Van!! Edutainment and charity Express!!! Here the van is unveiled at our second charity benefit at Wheaton Plaza, with many good hearted celebs in attendance, and former and current ballerz!! Pictured HERE: awesome Fred "RERUN" Berry and a writer Christopher Hitchens Washington City Paper hails the event as "unusual and heartfelt."!! We use the van for pit stops and giving back!]

The Washingtion Wizards havent started this hot since 1974!!! 30 years is a long time for all of us. So The Wizznutzz rewind to take you back to 1974 to take a look at what things were like back then.

A segment we like to call : Throwbackzzz!!!

*In 1974 the Bullets started 11-4 and went on to win a franchise record 60 gamez!

The team was lead by Elvin Hayes "The Big E" and Wes "Wes" Unsled and comcast "personality" Phil Chenier!!!
Phil CHenier was only 24! But had the soul of a much older man! He helped pace the team with 22 pts a game!
His teammates named him "Black Widow" cause he could finish so well. His wife named him "The Void" because he had zero charisma and his stare was empty.

*In 1974 The Bullets drafted Len Elmore, Truck Robinson, and Dennis "SWEET D" DuVal.
Dennis DuVal is in the Syracuse hall of Fame now. And he went on to become the Syracuse Chief of Police!

Hmmm.....I wonder which current Wizard will one day become an important member of the law-enforement community???
Why its Exeter's Constable Jarvis Hayes of course!

"Hon'st Constable Hayes, we wernt doin' nothin'. Were not the rustlers your looking for. We carry this corn feed in our pockets on account we get hungry cus we's rory scamps is all. We aint got our mincers on no trouble., honest."

*In 1974 Rod Strickland and Chjico DeBarge's StepDads performed a "powershake," a black-power symbol of loyalty. That bond continues today!

*In 1974, J Geils Band leader Peter Wolf Marries actress Faye Dunnaway.
A teenaged Jeff Ruland feels betrayed, and burns his J Geils denim jacket.

*In 1974 author Studs Turkel realeases Working.
10 year old charles Oakley goes to visit his Dad in jail. A jittery little white con with a lazy eye asks him: "Hey are you Studs' boy?"

*In 1974 Michael Jordan's parents save up all year and for his 11th birthday buy him the mule he was begging for.
Shes called "Red Molly," measures 12 hands and despite crooked hocks has "excellent breeding manners."
Young Michael spends the next 2 weeks breaking the mule. From sunup to sundown he breaks the mule. When the mule eventually stops moving and just sits there listless and stares at him with loyal fear, Michael loses interest. Each morning Michael's father tells his son "feed your mule boy." But Michael just tells his mule that no one eats for free. "Youre a faggot, mule," he says. Red Molly expires on lawn soon after.

*In 1974 The Cleveland Indians host "Ten Cent Beer Night", but have to forfeit the game to the Texas Rangers due to drunken and unruly fans.
During offseason, a recently divorced Gar Heard hosts 37 consecutive personal 10 cent beer nights in the basement of his Buffalo rental house.!!

*In 1974 India test a nuclear weapon called "Smiling Buddha."
That same year Charles Oakley's Dad is released from jail. At his welcome home party, Oakley Sr tests "Smiling Buddha" PCP; claws at his face, shoots mailbox, paces on the lawn for a week.

*In 1974 Patricia Hearst, the 19 year old granddaughter of publisher William Randolph Hearst, is kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.
In 1974 Romania's crops fail during a tough winter. They blame in on farmer Muresan's "goblin" baby. Fearing for his sons life, farmer Muresan sells his son Gheorghe to a Jewish businessman in America.

*In 1974 the children's special "Free to Be You and Me" first airs on American television, produced by comedic actress Marlo Thomas. Football great Rosie Grier contributes a song "Its All Right to Cry."
Doug Collins is moved and sees it as a good way to teach his young son an important lesson in life: "Son, Rosie Grier is an embarrassing sissy."

*In 1974 Dungeons and Dragons is officially released.
A young Scott Skiles is invited to his first D&D game by his friend's older brother Geoff. Geoff helps Scott create his first character: "Woodhorn LeatherTrunks" a Level 4 Dwarf with high dexterity.
A few months later Scott stops playing with Geoff after he plays D&D with some school friends, and discovers that Dungeons and Dragons is actually a game with dice, and dragons and treasures and exploring magical realms, and not about the kind of uncomfortable role-playing he had been doing in Geoffs sleeping bag.

*In 1974 Aboriginal tennis player Evonne Goolagong wins the Australian Open.
Charles Oakleys father gets Chalres his very first prostitute. Her name:... ALSO Evonne Goolagong!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

WIZZNUTZZ having technical problems! Never give up. Try again tomorrow for new incites because....
The Road to NBA PLAYOFFS goes through WASHINGTON!!!! wIzards #1#1#1#1!!!!

Meanwhile check out the Ghorege Muresan HEADS over at "wizznutzz "CLASSIC".. CLASSIC!

Friday, December 03, 2004

They call me Big Wesley, Big Silly
Big Money, Big Thrilly
When I'm sliding in them all can ya hear me?
Bringin heat to the Bayou so ya feel me
Let me put it up for cuz in the back
Let me grip it, take it hard to rack
I'm a tell ya how to cause an attack
D-Dub, gossip champ, true mack!

What time is it? GAME TIME. What time is it? GAME TIME. What time is it GAME TIME. What times it? GOSSIP TIME Yo yo yo it's your man DW back with PAGE 4 Part 2! But first, I just gotta say times been rough, man. FO' REAL. The first time I wrote PAGE 4 I was all psyched because we just got that W against Utah (in the Association we calls wins "Ws" for short it's like one of those things that doesn't really makes sense to people not on the inside of the game) Now it's a week later and my squad's STILL got one win, and we lost to Denver when they didnt even have 'Melo Nougat. Times is rough fo sho, but it's all good, and you know why? More failure means more time to holla at y'all on PAGE 4! And I know that my hard work is getting out there too. Wizznutzz crew just told me that like 40,000 headz checked my $hi+ out over Giveygive. They told me it's because some battyboy who's famous on the internets spread the word or something, but I know all y'all love the DW and I just want to big up all my true souljaz down in the Bayou and back through the TX (Baylor Bears make some NOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIZE!) and up to my old hood in Cackalacka for checking me out. But first, we hear:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ITEM! Michael Olowakandi so distraught over Pacers brawl that he refuses to part with hula skirt at Tiki Bob's in Indy and ends up getting stun 101'd twice. PAGE 4 HOLLERS AT YOU, KANDIMAN. It took two stunnies to send that big boy down! Reminds me of '93 right after I ditched the Falls when I was a young buck in the Association and Jayson Williams took all the rookies out to a giant steak dinner at Peter Luger in BK and then to the champagne room at Scores before inviting us and some of those fine ass females back to his place in Jersey where he forced us to play naked twister while pointing a shotgun at our dingalings and laughing. He laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed until our tears filled his bathtub and then he cleansed himself with our sorrow. Even now sometimes right before I fall asleep at night I hear the faint echo of that laugh. He was so drunk that night LOL. FREE KANDI! It's ELECTRIC! HIGH NRG!

INSIDER HORNETS ITEM! Fo real what is up with the MashMan curse? Dude's been injured since before we packed up and moved to Creole country and moments after Jamal gave up the A to Jamaal and became J-Mal (as first reported in PAGE 4 last week), what happens? Jamaal Vowel Slayer becomes cursed and ends up on the IL (in the Association we call the injured list the IL, dig? I know I shouldn't be spilling all this insider info but that's why they call me SCOOOOOOOOP) after busting up his ring finger worse than I did the night I punched that wall when they told me Bobby Phills wasn't gonna make it (R.I.P. PHILLY BOB WE MISS YOU I'LL SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS SO YOU WON'T BE LONELY, K?). Whatever man, it was straight thuggin' when Vowel Slayer tossed the ball at that ugly ass white dude. After he did it he came over to the bench and was like "That ain't the first time some big black dude's tossed balls at his face, but it was the first time someone did it for free!" LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!! Sources tell PAGE 4 Mike Dunleavy picks up dudes on the down low!!!!! Get your wallpaper of the Big Cat now!

NEWS ANALYSIS OF PREVIOUS ITEM! Okay I know the Jamaal Magloire Vowel Slayer injury sounds bad but check it out: We're not gonna win any games but we weren't gonna win any anyway. So this is A+++ NEWS for DW. No Baron Von Davis, no Mash, no Vowel's all me. DRAINING THREEPEES ALL DAY ya heard? Word to Lord Byron. But there's something VERY UN-HIGH NRG about this whole sitchation. What is UP with David West starting now? Another David Wes in the lineup is gonna mess with my jersey sales, which messes with my money. And DW HATES IT when you mess with his money. Because when you mess with his money you mess with his family. And when you mess with his family you mess with his kids. And when you mess with his kids you gonna get mess tossed up all over you because those damn kids can't keep NOTHING down PARENTS OF NEWBORNS HOLLER and watch out for SERIOUS BEATDOWN ACTION MR. WEST.

BLIND ITEM! Which Man of the Lake is so upset about having no time to go visit Santa at the mall that hes been resting his head in the lap of guys in the Association in the middle of games because he wants a Nintendo DS so he can finally prove to Brian Grant that he can read? Jumaine Jones!

RELATED! Jumaine Jones just two-wayed me to say that Lamar Odom already bought him the DS, but then he also told me a funny story that for some reason had NOTFORPAGHE4NOT FOR PAGE4NOTFORPAGE4 written at the top. Told you he couldnt read and write! So check this, EXCLUSIVE TO PAGE 4 Jumaine Jones sources tell PAGE 4 that Kobe was so pumped to hear the new Nas double album that he put it on in the locker room while the Lakers were suiting up to play the Knuck if you Bucks (WHAT!) last night. He was nodding his head and all that when the song "These Are Our Heroes" came on which Gods Son (not Gods son like Big Baby Basketball Jesus Dwyane Wade but Gods Son like Nasir Jones) casually disses Kobe and Taye "Grant Hill" Diggs for sleeping with white women!!!! EXLUSIVE TO PAGE 4 EXCLUSIVE TO PAGE 4!!! The room got all quiet until Chris Mihm came out of the shower without a towel and all the brothers started laughing at him. Kobe still looked pissed though and then he stoop up and screamed "Gods Son???!!!! More like Clods Dumb!!!" but nobody laughed so there was this weird awkward silence but then Luke Walton farted so everybody started laughing again. Kobe so rattled he only shot un-DW-like LOW NRG 4 for 13 but they won anyway!!! Coach Tony Montana (In the Association thats what we call Rudy Tomjonovitch because he has that big scar on his face and Tony Montana was Scarface LOL I know right?) to put Kobe-diss freestyles on wax with production by Kanye West before every game so Kobe Bean will pass the ball to the Coomunist bloc down low! DW aint not history guy but didnt we just fight that war in the snow so we wouldnt have to be like Divac and Medved4nko? Coach Montana does NOT honor the fallen EXCLUSIVE TO PAGE 4!!!!

ITEM! My PAGE 4 sources are buzzing over the breaking news that Pacers coach Rick Carlile decides to take action against lack of THREEPEE specialists since the suspensions of the Tru Warier and Facecracker Jackson by arranging TOP SECRET and experimental finger transplant surgery between digit specialist Tirso Furcal and Jamaal Tinsley! Tinsley says he looks forward to "increased ball cupping skills" LOL HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT. Only in the association kids, only in the association... Posted by Wizznutzz gossip columnist David "Scoop" Wesley aka DW

Wednesday, December 01, 2004  

Michael Jordans older brother James isa a tru Warier!

Command Sgt. Maj. James R. Jordan has asked to stay in the Army for a year beyond his mandatory retirement date so he could complete a deployment to Iraq with the 35th Signal Brigade."We are currently at war," the older Jordan told The Fayetteville Observer. "We are doing things, and it requires leaders to do certain things. That's what I am, a leader."

Many people in sports media and also EDUtainers like the wizznutzz toss around war talk when they talk sports. They toss it around like they toss around Steve Blakes gameworn buttocks on the dulles airport shuttle.
They say we gotta "hunker down in the trenches", we gotta march down the field and "go into battle"

like when KG said tru quote:

"This is it and for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, loading up the Uzi, I've got a couple of M-16s, a couple of nines and a couple of joints with some silencers on them. I'm just loading up clips, a couple of grenades, a missile launcher with a couple of missiles."

-and the time when Jimmy "The Rat" Lynam yelled: "we gotta Splice the Main Brace you Jack Tar bastards!" on the golf course.

Even commentators get into the act.!!!
Like when Renee Knott described Tracy Murray as having "50 confirmed kills."

And TNT ANALIST Tim "The Bomb Squad" Legler last week was a War Hawk.
His veins bulged as he swore to smoke the fans out and yelled "Drop the bomb. Kill them All" while he rode his swift boat into the interior with a very very high Randell Jackson, looking to exterminate the naked and clay-painted SIR Charles, the once powerful company man who turned native, turned mad, mumbling to himself in a spider hole, a spider holed choked with darkness, choked with the scent of Old Spice.
Tim Legeler leaves his door unlocked and sleeps with a loaded gun under his pillow. Tim Legler couldnt even join the army if he wanted on account of his Plantar Fascitus. He would have to ride in the back of the humvee in a sharp double-breasted huntergreen suit, cheering on the team.

SO Michael Jordan is NO warrier. Hes not a leader of men.
Its men like JAMES "JJ" J Jordan that go into battle and are leaders of men.
You wont find James Jordan calling his squad mates "mules"
and he doesnt need lockerroom notice boards to motivate cause he motivates for GOD and for USA USA USA not for humiliating his opponents.
James Jordan goes into battle to protect us from ruthless narcissistic dictators. Maybe he should have saved his trouble and just taped Brother Michael to a chair, because MJ is the Saddam Hussein of the Association though thankfully Abe Pollin deposed him. Because if you think Abu Graib prison was bad, then you obviously never heard the story about MJs "Faggot Pyramid" he built in the MCI practice gym one day. Its just a matter of time until Kwame Brown talks to Steve Croft about the nightmares, and the truths!!:
Ty Lue atop the pyramid, weeping and wetting himself and wetting the whole pyramid, a pyramid of humans and a pyramid of our HYPOCRISY while Salieri and uncle tom COLLINS sat around laughing, taunting and posing for pictures.

Congratulations to Michael Ruffin and wife Mistye on their 4th baby, a new baby girl!!!
He missed a practice and we really MIST YE, Mike!!

Awesome TRU FACT FILE on Mike Ruffin:

He has a daughter called Javon!!!!!!
He has a degree in chemical engineering at Tulsa.

His most prized possession is his collection of exotic pets:
which includes a coatimundi, bearded dragon, three African spur-thighed tortoises, hedgehog, Africn bullfrog, rabbit, three lizards, frog, two hamsters, fish and a pair of ferrets.

An African spur-thighed tortoise and a pair of ferretts??
That sounds LIKE Jahidi White's offseason!!!!!!

Posted by Darvin Ham, WizzNutzz intern

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 11:14 AM

Tuesday, November 30, 2004  

Michael Jordans older brother James isa a tru Warier!

Command Sgt. Maj. James R. Jordan has asked to stay in the Army for a year beyond his mandatory retirement date so he could complete a deployment to Iraq with the 35th Signal Brigade."We are currently at war," the older Jordan told The Fayetteville Observer. "We are doing things, and it requires leaders to do certain things. That's what I am, a leader."

Many people in sports media and also EDUtainers like the wizznutzz toss around war talk when they talk sports. They toss it around like they toss around Steve Blakes gameworn buttocks on the dulles airport shuttle.
They say we gotta "hunker down in the trenches", we gotta march down the field and "go into battle"

like when KG said tru quote:

"This is it and for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, loading up the Uzi, I've got a couple of M-16s, a couple of nines and a couple of joints with some silencers on them. I'm just loading up clips, a couple of grenades, a missile launcher with a couple of missiles."

-and the time when Jimmy "The Rat" Lynam yelled: "we gotta Splice the Main Brace you Jack Tar bastards!" on the golf course.

Even commentators get into the act.!!!
Like when Renee Knott described Tracy Murray as having "50 confirmed kills."

And TNT ANALIST Tim "The Bomb Squad" Legler last week was a War Hawk.
His veins bulged as he swore to smoke the fans out and yelled "Drop the bomb. Kill them All" while he rode his swift boat into the interior with a very very high Randell Jackson, looking to exterminate the naked and clay-painted SIR Charles, the once powerful company man who turned native, turned mad, mumbling to himself in a spider hole, a spider holed choked with darkness, choked with the scent of Old Spice.
Tim Legeler leaves his door unlocked and sleeps with a loaded gun under his pillow. Tim Legler couldnt even join the army if he wanted on account of his Plantar Fascitus. He would have to ride in the back of the humvee in a sharp double-breasted huntergreen suit, cheering on the team.

SO Michael Jordan is NO warrier. Hes not a leader of men.
Its men like JAMES "JJ" J Jordan that go into battle and are leaders of men.
You wont find James Jordan calling his squad mates "mules"
and he doesnt need lockerroom notice boards to motivate cause he motivates for GOD and for USA USA USA not for humiliating his opponents.
James Jordan goes into battle to protect us from ruthless narcissistic dictators. Maybe he should have saved his trouble and just taped Brother Michael to a chair, because MJ is the Saddam Hussein of the Association though thankfully Abe Pollin deposed him. Because if you think Abu Graib prison was bad, then you obviously never heard the story about MJs "Faggot Pyramid" he built in the MCI practice gym one day. Its just a matter of time until Kwame Brown talks to Steve Croft about the nightmares, and the truths!!:
Ty Lue atop the pyramid, weeping and wetting himself and wetting the whole pyramid, a pyramid of humans and a pyramid of our HYPOCRISY while Salieri and uncle tom COLLINS sat around laughing, taunting and posing for pictures.

Congratulations to Michael Ruffin and wife Mistye on their 4th baby, a new baby girl!!!
He missed a practice and we really MIST YE, Mike!!

Awesome TRU FACT FILE on Mike Ruffin:

He has a daughter called Javon!!!!!!
He has a degree in chemical engineering at Tulsa.

His most prized possession is his collection of exotic pets:
which includes a coatimundi, bearded dragon, three African spur-thighed tortoises, hedgehog, Africn bullfrog, rabbit, three lizards, frog, two hamsters, fish and a pair of ferrets.

An African spur-thighed tortoise and a pair of ferretts??
That sounds LIKE Jahidi White's offseason!!!!!!

Posted by Darvin Ham, WizzNutzz intern

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 5:43 PM

Thursday, November 25, 2004  

On behalf of the WizzNutzz,
Michael Wilbon wishes you

With WizzNutzz inpoirational artist Sioux 23 out weeping in the fields today over the rape and pillage of his homeland, I thought that I DANA VON POSTGAME CALL-IN SHOW GIRL! should step up and sshow my pencils !!! I've been learning so much from Steve Blake during his time in the Cheeseboot, including how to talk Swahili since Wizards have two players from Swaziland in Kwame Brown and Samaki Walker and Stevie wanted to make them feel at home, but mostly Steve has taught me how to use chalks and charcoals and such to express myself rather than stolen peyote. As you obvsiously can see, it's almost working!!!

Wilbon shows his bonafides in his column today!! Even as he questions hip-hop cultuyre in NBA he wants everrry body to know that he can still bust a move in ya ass when needed:
"The point here is not that I think hip-hop is bad; some Eminem or Snoop Dogg CD is constantly playing in my car. "
Those some underground jawns, Wilbon!!! Good guys, too!!! Gangsta gangsta, CWEBB style!!! Wilbon have you been jamming Snoops' new "How to Control Ya Ho!" off Rhythm & Gangsta ? It's all about hitting your woman!! Sounds best in a BMW!!! Or in the Post newsroom or PTI production office. Would love to see Kornheiser steppin' to that jam. Remember Wilbon: To stay street you gotta Show ya bonafides whenever, wherever!!! Personally, I do it all the time, which means that I will drop trou in public even when Chico DeBarge don't ask me too.

Posted by Dana Von Postgame Call-In Show Girl, WizzNutzz intern

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 10:02 AM

Wednesday, November 24, 2004  

The all-class Wizznutzz franchise was so kind to offer David Wesley his very own deep-insider gossip column. Call me Scoop! The Charlotte Hor--New Orleans Hornets are going through tough times and it makes me sad, so I am going on my computer and typing PAGE 4 to cheer me up on team flights and in my spare time and during practice and when Lord Byron makes me rest on the bench. DW's a little tired after that triple OT loss last night to the COney Island WARRRRRIOOOOORRRRRSSSSS, but I'm feeling pretty good ever since WE BEAT UTAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's right, baby, Hornets get first win on Klitschko missed freebies and riding the back of my high NRG 9 points1!! We're taking ALL THAT JAZZ back to the Bayou, baby!!! But first, we hear:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ITEM! Basketball Jesus Dwyane Wade sets new career high in OT win vs. Utah (WE BEAT UTAH!!!!!!!) and drops 23 in the 4th to finish with 39. Sources tell PAGE 4 he announced in the post (in the biz we call the post-game press conference the "post" or the "conf" or the "posty-press-confab") that his new nickname goes from BJ to BBJ in honor of fallen soulja Dirt McGirt. Big Baby Jesus to Shaq down low all day! Haven't seen a combo like that since it was me and Tito "D-D-Dirty" Sanchez (he had mad stutter!) back on Wichita Falls in '91, even though I wasn't on the team until '92. But I was big CBA fan!

ITEM! Indiana Pacers and Detroit Pistons get into dust-up soon after Big Baby Jesus levitates above the court and drops in winner for Heaven's Heat. Jermaine O'Neal like woah! Who knew a kid with more pimples than PJ Brown's neck after a trip to GNC (HIGH NRG!) could throw a right like that!! I haven't seen that much carnage since I murdered Bobby Phills! R.I..P. Philly Bob!!! (that's what we called him on the team you fans and outsiders wouldn't understand it WE WERE LIKE BROTHERS BRINGING HIGH NRG TO ALL THE ARENAS MAN!) Jamaal Tinsley holla at your boyzzz!!!

NEWS ANALYSIS! In the Association we have a little way of dealing with fans that get on our bad sides. You go upstairs to the room with all the cameras in it at halftime and point out the guy and then security leads them to a seacrest room where they break their hands with hammers like in that DeNiro movie "Marvin's Room!" No need to the dirty work yourself like in that Norm McDonalds movie "Dirty Work!" But Ron Testes (guys in the Association call him that but yo'’re just fans and would'’t understand) we feel for you here at DWHQ. TRU WARIER COME OUT TO PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. OMG I just realized that I put down seacrest instead of secret, I was just watching "Hangin' With Hung" with the fellas on the plane and I had AI on my mind LOL!!!!!!

INSIDER INFO ITEM! In Hornets first win of the season over Jazz who should now call themselves THE BLUEZZ, Jamal Magloire led the team with 20 points. Jamal Mashburn, on the disabled list and watching the game on his expensive black leather couch that he lets me sleep on when we're done tipping back 40z (RIP PHILLY BOB) calls the team plane and tells J-Mags (it's the nickname the fellas on the team call him so you fans wouldn't understand cuz y'all just M$$$$$$$$$##G PLAYA HATERZ), "You are of great use to the Hornets, and I, of little. Take my A, and from now on they shall know you as Jamaal and I as J-Mal. Frankly, two Jamals on the same team that both went to Kentucky was getting me a little confused LOL!" J-Mags accepts the generosity and assumes the identity of Jamaal Magloire Vowel Slayer!!! PAGE 4 EXCLUSIVE!

ITEM! The PR guys just told me that DW David Wesley #4 starting guard out of Baylor University leads the New Orleans Charlottes in Points, Assists, Steals, Freebie percent, Threepee percent, Hugs, Smiles, and Happy Funshine.

NEWS ANALYSIS OF PREVIOUS ITEM FEATURING EXCLUSIVE INSIDER INFO! Team's last in division but that's because the selfish Baron Von Davis does not get along with Lord Byron and he won't come back from injuries and hurt feelings. Pistols at dawn rumored but sources cannot confirm. Everything else AOK, according to Association sources!

BLIND ITEM! Which recently merged baller likes to take weekend trips into the Rocky Mountains where he tracks down animals and strangles them with his BEAR hands? This fluffy nougat says it helps him with his low post skills, AND FASHION GAME! It's Kenyon Martha Stewart! PETA, meet Kenyon LOL!

BLIND ITEM! Which fellow Denverian snitched on the crew that was trying to shake him down for three mil because they had a tape of him knuckbucking for Lady La La's honor? Carmelo Anthony!

RELATED! Richard Jefferson tries to strip Sears-Kmart of his yellow headband, tells him "It took you three attempts to break the wooden board with your roundhouse kick, and the board was already cracked! Go back to white headband!" Kenyon enraged and runs over to ex-sensei Frank yelling "HAVE A LOOKSIE AT MY NUTSIES!" PAGE 4 EXCLUSIVE!

ITEM! My PAGE 4 sources are buzzing over the announcement by Magic GM John Wisebroad during a post that Grant Hill signed a two-year deal with Satan Beelzebub that guarantees a return to the HIGH NRG Hill of the early 90's that sang nursery rhymes and frolicked in wheat fields while evil twin Thomas Hill was crying like white woman figure skater who got whacked in the knee Tony Montana style (he's some dude that Association dudes fucks wit). JESUS AND SATAN PLAYING IN THE SAME STATE and they will battle for all our eternal souls on December 19th in a HIGH NRG affair at the Americna Airlines Arena! Only in the Association, kids, only in the Association...

Posted by Wizznutzz gossip columnist David Wesley aka DW

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 7:30 PM



Its an Historic day at Wizznutzz, thanks to YOU.
Wizznnutzz love Andrew Sullivan. You were AWESOME in Mannequin!!!!

Like ANdrew SUllivan the Wizznutzz are very desirous with the direction of things in nations Capitol. And like you we also had an article in the Sunday Times called "The Coil Tightens" but ours was about Mark Price and Plantar Fascitus !!! Wizznutzz and Andrww Sullivan: TRU WARIERS!! is for YOU fans because its not just about than basketball. Its Edutainment! But Its life too!
We made AUbernica because Life as fans of the Wizards aka "Mr. Drummonds Payroll" is like the life of Basque people in terror!
ItS a Theatre of cruelty.!! Its Existential biznezz. HOLLA into the void!

AS WE LIKE to say in interviews:
The Wizznutzz story isn't one about glory, and triumph and parades and all that stuff. It's a story about pushing open the very heavy, groaning doorway that is life, and for all your flaws and failings, once again throwing yourself back through it like a mating-season salmon. It's a story about medical marijuana and a man, a mascot, and static electricity. It's a story about destiny and the redemptive power of the halfsmoke.
It is a story about overcoming odds, but mostly not overcoming odds!!!!

And also we made it because we are like Andrew Sullivan and Picasso and ron artest; we have stuff to promote!!! Synergy! Antiseptic bacon!!

While our site struggles with bandwiodth like Michael "SALIERI" jordan struggles with the poisons of ENVY, please enjoy some more of our website:

A disturbing FInnish documentary about Jahidi WHite
& BUY A JAHIDI THONG. And More Jahidi tribuites!!!

The Ike Austin CHeeseboot!

Talk to the Salty GAR HEARD ROBOT!!!

GOD SHAMMGODS mp3 mixtape!!!!

Wizznutzz Photo Album

Jordan MULES art contest!

And come back soon for a new NBA gossip column debuting tonight: "PAGE 4 with David Wesley". Incites!

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 3:21 PM


Just as WNutz spewed!!!
Brawl not by chance!

Ron Ron appeared on pasty Today Show to appeal to suburban white house fraus and this is what happened:
During the interview, Artest plugged a new CD from a group on his record label three times and wore a T-shirt and hat emblazoned with the logo of TruWarier Records.

Fan in dirty white baseball cap not a degenerate beer-with-ice-throwing fool but rather a high-placed executive at Truwarier Records!!!

To help promote Ron Ron's jams, we wanted to post a banger from the masher over on God's Mixtape but thanks to the world's foremost gay republican blogger Andy Sullivan linking our Aubernica, is 'bout ready to crash!!! We love to crash, especially after marathon-length Matams when Wizards lose!!! And don't forget: We support gay marriage!!!

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 1:30 PM


August Strindberg reporting from the field.
I had the pleasure of attending the Tuesday evening affair. The Raptors arrived from their northern homeland, hoarfrost still whitening their great beards, wrapped in furs and whale blubber. This once-proud tribe has fallen on hard times, relying on Bosh of the Long Neck and Rafer Alston skittering about like a devilish pixie. Even Pape Sow, the proud successor to Ousmane Cisse, has been unable to restore vim to their vigor. The Wizards' inevitable victory was, indeed, inevitable, and the hallowed hardwood was holy once again. Ah, but how the stars did shine! On the court, yes, but even brighter off. I refer first to David Aldridge, once one of our own, now the bespectacled sage of TNT as ESPN saw fit to do him in. I refer second, and third and forever, to the presence of Little Gita, Gheorghe Muresan, the last smiling remnant of the glory days, truly a man of the people, truly heavy in the pants. Joy rattled and shook the arena, a tremor felt even in the Dark Realm where rests a young Mase and the beloved soul of Charles Jones. Also, did you see that Gar Heard was ejected vs. Bobcats? Surely a Garbot programming error, alas, but a loss is ever guaranteed when Benson is at the helm.

Posted by August Strindberg, WizzNutzz intern & desirer o' death

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 10:17 AM

Monday, November 22, 2004  

Battle Royal!!!!!! With Cheese!!

"And so this morning, like a boxer standing before the mirror after his handlers have gone home, we examine our face to see how badly we are bruised."

Thats wizznutzz fav columnist Motor City windbag Mitch Albom!!!

The Bomb! Doesnt the bomb look like he lives in a universe with these people?!

The 5 people Ill meet in Heavan!!!:

Malcolm X, Harry Potter, Jesus, The janitor Schneider (hes got smokes!), Mitch Alboms rumoured "extra" son "Forrester" !!

As for wizznutzz take on all this, my 1st thought is that TNT analist and former bullet TIM LEGLER is a WAR HAWK!! He carries a big stick and sore feet! Nobody &^%$$ks with the BOMB SQUAD!

Also Jim Grey aka "The Man Who Cried" . SO Poignant!
Jim Grey was like Dick Schapp at the Munich Olympics except with stadium CONCESSIONS instead of FIRE AND DEATH!!!

Before he got a contract Ben Wallace was a Bullet and TRUE STORY, lived in a tricked out SUV with Playstation ONE consoles. He talked with calm about his mastery of Tekken 3!!!

But words are hard for us, now as ever! SO we commissioned master Craftsman SOUIX 23 to create a detailed inspirational work:

Witness the carnage! The humanity! The missing patch of hair on Rasheed head!!!

CLick to enlarge!!

See SIOUX 23s other Inspiring portraits.!!!!!!!!

---posted by Darvin Ham

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 6:47 PM

Saturday, November 20, 2004  

A grand new dance is sweeping the WizzNutzz's Camp Lorenzo!!!
It was created by noted pacifist and
Debbie Allen devotee Antawn Jamison during the game tonight, and in a show of NBA unity he had both the Wiz & Netz dropping legs on the court (and Zo dropped a kidney, but it was on tha beat, yo!). Tawn's dance was like a mix of steps gleaned from Jets vs. Sharks (NFL/NHL) and Weird Al's "Eat It" video, delivered with the herky-jerky speed of Larry King high steppin' to his morning constitutional. Sensual yet functional!!
I would love a pair of these dance-inflicted gameworns. Insha'allah!!!
Note to Pistons/Pacers: Don't fight, just pull down ya pants and dance!!!

The Nets don't dance
they just pull down they pants
and throw the rock away
lean back

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 11:55 PM


Ron Artest is the Swifty Lazar
of Record Promotion!!!
Pistons/Pacers brawl means

more free pub for
Truwarier Records!!!

And plenty of manufactured outrage from ESPN heads!!!
"It's terrible! A travesty! Raw bacon!"
Airwaves filled for weeks with accusations, indignations, and bald-faced plugs for Christmas Day rematch on ESPN!!
WIN WIN!!! Insha'allah!!!

A jealous Susan O'Malley learns from Ron Ron's promotional cunning, immediately drops "Wizards Singles Night with Brendan Haywood" and opts for "Glock 9s Night with Gilbert Arenas!"

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 1:15 AM

Friday, November 19, 2004  

AS resident Wizznutzz Motivational Speaker Susan O'Malley likes to remind us with the saying:

"The taste of cheese is the taste of tenacity"

So true!
Young Steve Blake is ready to go after difficult rehabilitation of his ankle. But Steve Blakes put his foot to good use because he knows that The human foot is a thermodynamic wonder!!!! (TM)

Introducing the 2005 Ike Austin CheesebootTM Model:


These kicks get the job done on and off the court!!

"Thats right, while you are worlking for your job, your CheeseBoot is working for you, producing fine organic DIY Cheeseproduct at pennies a day!!! In fact, you can go anywhere in your cheseboot that you would go in a large shoe: shopping, dinner parties, even the beach, they all stand the test!™"

The Steve Blake edition “Quesoforce NegroBlanco!” features the latest in podiatric and dairy technologies and fashion. "FlavorFashion"TM

Featuring airsupport and open-toed style. Open toes are trendy and casual, around the house or in the club, but also the secret to its signature dual- flavored feral cheese products.

1. The uppers are sealed to trap radiant heat.
Producing a mild CALF CHESSE
Think of the calf cheese like you do an engagingly spicy string cheese! A creamy texture that is straw colored with green flecks and veins.! Good for an on the go snack!

2. While The open toes is breathable. This allows a drying of the curd around the foot, producing an potent ANKLE CHEESE that is highly salty and firm, like a young Larry King in a Bali nightclub!

The ANKLE cheese is best for dinner occasions. Its is best used in very small doses, for provocative salads and for purposes of self defense.

Make sure to check out the DIY IKE AUUSTIN Cheeseboot investment opportunity here!

Welcome Back Steve BLAKE.!!!!

Also to honor steves blake return and all our new fans we introduce a new initiative for the Wizznutzz:


Like Lorenzo Wiliams Knees, Old incites never die, they just become classic!

We kick things off with a couple Steve Blake posts, including a greatly heartfelt tribuite by poignant Finnish intern Jarkko Rutta. Last year when Jahidi White was traded to Phoenix and left us without our charismatic and artfully large center, but also left the Wizards locker room with its strict ChubbChaser sociosexual code and hierarchies with a massive Chubb vacuum.
As we say: Terrible things happen in power vacuums, like the rize of the Nazis. And Rod Strickland!!! For young Steve Blake this loss was very personal because Jahidi was his lover but also his protector and now he was passed around frightened like a wet chinchilla!
Anyway sometimes things like this are hard to put into words and so we turned to our European intern Jarkko to express it in disturbingly honest terms as a short film.


Posted by Darvin Ham

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 5:11 PM



God's Mixtape presses on like Rod Strickland chomping a 40-inch half-smoke during a 20-second timeout. Click here to get E-40 diss of Rasheed Wallace, the Number One Dead Wallaby Lover in the history of the Washington Wizardbullets---and there have been dozens!!!

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 4:58 AM

Wednesday, November 17, 2004  

We welcome the WizzNutzz's newest intern, the lighthearted Swedish dramatist and HUGE baller, August Strindberg!!!

As the darkness of winter looms, and 3-3 becomes 3-4 becomes 3-eternity, our hearts grow small, smaller than the Hulk’s baby-paws. But as our eyes cast downwards, we see something has shriveled even further, cowering amidst satiny blue folds.

Reports the Washington Post: Coach Eddie Jordan does not believe perimeter defense was the only problem. "Our interior defense, too," he said. "Outside of Brendan clogging the middle up to a certain degree . . . we're small and we're light in the pants."

The interior is defenseless. The middle is clogged. And in our pants hides our true shame, small and light. The wrinkled pinkie of the she-succubus. Even Rod’s half-smoke is missed now.

Following his namesake mulemaster, tense-browed Eddie Jordan has questioned the manhood of his young wards. But they are neutered Urokhai, born of petri, not woman-womb! What choice have they? What choice have any of us?

Posted by August Strindberg, WizzNutzz intern & coveter o' death's sweet relief

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 5:45 PM



When you see this logo on our website it means one thing:
God Shammgod is up to his old tricks, POSTING MP3s, SAVING ITINERANT SOULS, and writing in the third person!!!

God will be posting the best Wizards-related and basketballcentric hip-hop, R&B, and polkas on his own special section of For his first posting, God has chosen to debut Webber Wednesdays, where every hump day throughout the season a Chris Webber a.k.a. C Webb a.k.a. GANGSTA GANGSTA!!! jam will be featured. Click here to get started building God's Mixtape!!! Insha'allah!!!

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 7:50 AM

Tuesday, November 16, 2004  

A lot of you wonder why Our Lord Savior Kwame Brown's name is attached to salad dressing references. It has to do with ointments that we disciples apply to the body of the Very Reverand Kwames so that we on earth may glorify He with a pure heart and gameworn shorts. Insha'allah!!! To paraphrase Ezekial 16:7-14, we slowly bathe a beatific, practice-moist Kwames with holy water and then put ointments of oil & vinegar on his barking dogs, soothing his devilish broken foot, wicked bunyons, and satanic plantar fasciitis. Duppy Conquerer!!!

Salad dressings come from the Revelation our Prophet received during his rookie year. Here's the full story from the Washington Post, and here is the key excerpt:

On a road trip to Boston, the Wizards took him to an elegant French restaurant. Brown was not just shocked, but outraged, to discover that the restaurant did not serve French dressing. "Can you believe that?" he says. "No French dressing. In a French restaurant."

Then there was the matter of the salad itself. "It was tree roots," he says disgustedly. "Leaves. And branches."

For weeks afterward, Brown took a bottle of store-bought French dressing with him whenever he went out to dinner.

You see, it's all about how Kwame is slowly becoming spiritual and multicultural, the leader of free men and buff youths in sweaty tanktops, with French dressing being but the first ointment of His Church. Next week Kwames discovers the healing powers of I-talian.

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 8:18 AM

Monday, November 15, 2004  

This Old Mule!!!

Salieri Jordan's throne of deceit and youth-beauty hatred and gaybashing of mules is undercovered by ESPN excerpt!!!
Kwame is his Ishtar!!!
This new book takes all WizzNutzz work and INCITES from past 3 years and condenses it into a book with grammar and bacon bits!!!! We shall go deep in deconstructing it this week, but for now dear students of Kwame's nervous breakdown, read, memorize, settle into Cheese Boot (tm) and come back to us for Jacques Derida deconstruction and soothing words and holistic salad-based oils for Our Savior the Manchild Kwame Brown!!!!!

Posted by Dana von Postgame Call-In Show Girl

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 4:08 PM

Friday, November 12, 2004  

Wizzards Midwest / profile in Afros. SHEEN!!!
Could have been so beautiful to see this crew parading down F Streett on float sponsored by Abe Pollen's Discount Eugenics Farm, fake afros bending in the wind like so much wheat, blowing kisses to displaced homeless and law enforcement officers, repeating with chants of "4 MOre Years!!!" but alas it's nothing but rebuilding and building of rebuilding and watching Detroit Wizards parade past Big Buck ["Great food GOOD TIMES"] of Auburn Hills all the way down to actual Detroit to dodge potholes on Woodward Avenue as whole of Motor City chants "Thanks for in vitro experiments /dodgy trades, MR. Drummond!!! May you forever deal away future in order to satifsy biological experiments of present!" THEY CHANTED THAT!!!!?? WHOA!! Detroit does not play!!!

Posted by Dana von Postgame Call-In Show Girl, WizzNutzz intern

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 10:50 PM


Posted by Darvin Ham, WizzNutzz intern

The Yellow Kid is a yella bizatch. Knocked out my Wi-Fi!!!

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 10:40 PM


Posted by Darvin Ham

Brendan Haywood: MANWHORE!!!

Brendan Haywood has a big new contract but SMALL SMALL hands and now finds himself Wizwhore.


Wizznutzz dont think so.
THEORY ONE is that Brendan wants to taste the exotic flavours of a divroced white mother of 3 from Olney but doesnt want to be teased by his boys and had a contract coming up and so......
THEORY TWO holds much more water. Thats right, Abe POLIN has restarted his unsanctioned EUGENICS experiments in the bunker under the former Cap Center utilizing local Landover by law loopholes to push frontiers of ethical science into frightening and amazing places!!!

PROOF: Wizznutzz obtain special RIDER to Haywood contract.

PROOF: Brendan is a physical MARVEL yet isnt quite complete: Brendan wins date with Lesley Pinkston. Lesley is desacribed by friends as "outgoing" and "fun" but also described as having "jesusfreaky enormous man hands".

STOP ABE POLIN. STOP him abducting youth urban MANGINAS into his limo off thenplayground. and stop MISTER DRUMMOND and his benevolent madness trying to BREED a winner. You cant breed winning, its in the DNA!

This horror has visited us before.
Recently declassified "LEDELL EXPERIMENT"!!! Witness the horrible results Ledell Eackles , hiding in Neckless shame in the shadows of his own fate! Witness Manute Bol: his mother a 4'7" Baltic Jockey, his father.... "ANONYMOUS". Witness the 9 hours erection, the REAL reason Muggsy Bogues is out of the league! Michal Jordan calls Wizards teammates Mules. Mules atre INFERTILE. Former Bullets , Celibate Rifles!! MJ finds leprauchauns in his shrubs one night, parts ways with team shortly after. WITNESS recentrly unveiled documentation: Kevin Duckworth is thirteen years old!!!

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 6:04 PM


Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

While he plays for Wizards archenemaies the Indiana Pacers, we respect Ron Artest as a rapper, a producer, and emotional manchild. He also plays basketball! Insha'allah!!! See our good friend Eric Adelson's awesome article on Ron Ron in ESPN The Mag, the best awkwardly sized sports magazine in the whole wide world (outside of Saudi Arabia, where the paper sizes and sports coverage are just plain wack--the good kind!!!).

One week into NBA season Ron Ron said he needed a break from basketball because he was tired from promoting his record label, Truwarier.

We fully understand, Ron Ron! We're ready to pack in the WizzNutzz---and we don't even have a mission or a position or a statement, let alone all three. Insha'allah!!! But Truwarier has a mission position statement, and it's all tru !
"Ron was named The Truwarier for his relentless style of play. Rather than becoming known as the type of warrior that slices off heads and battles with weapons Artest chose to use his own spelling and change the meaning."

Spelling versus chopping off heads!! Positive choice, Ron Ron!!! Strike the negative!!! SHOUT DOWN THE VOICES!!!!

Check back to for some Ron Ron jawns!

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 1:49 PM

Thursday, November 11, 2004  

Posted by God Shammgod, WizzNutzz intern

Throw on ya hoodies and lace up ya boots, cuz this thing is ON! Insha'allah!!!

Wizz race to 3-2 record by defeating Magic thereby avoiding sub-.500 record for one more day. It's like when my head coach, Hadzic Sabit, told me, "GOD, do not take Team Al Hilal lightly just because it's early in the season. After all, they have Al Turky Turky who will get unconscious on your ass."

What did we at Team Al Ittihad do? We beat Al Hilal like a sick mule, and then we went on to win the Kudu Saudi Basketball Championship, which is like NIT for Middle East ballers.


Speaking of Beating Sick Mules
As we know, Michael "Salieri" Jordan referred to his Wizard teammates as sick mules, which lead to a lot of creative art work---and a lot of hurt feelings, especially among the mules. Now it's revealed that Salieri beat down Magic's Grant Hill and his female foot during game on Jan. 16, 2003. Sir Limp-A-Lot said he knew prior to that game that his left foot was broken but he wanted to play against, thank Allah, a finally retiring Jordan. "I just wanted to go one last time and I figured he wouldn't play again," Hill said. "Him realizing I was hurting, he kind of went at me." Salieri scored 20 of his 32 points in the first quarter against El Gimpo. Sorry, Grant! Once a mule beater, always a mule beater! Even Saudi Arabia is kinder than Salieri, a man jealous of youth and talent and salad-dressing manchilds named Kwame!

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 9:59 AM

Wednesday, November 10, 2004  

Posted by Dana von Postgame Call-In Show Girl, WizzNutzz intern

E. Jordan's Princeton Offenserotica !!!
Comcast host Chick Hernandez on postgame show after Wizz blown out by Heat:
"Get a towel and let's towel off!"
Make mine gameworn!!!
This after c0-host Brian James said previously that he loves him some back door action!!!
Draw ya hair on with a Sharpie cuz it's gettin' hot in hurrrr!!!!!

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 12:28 PM

Tuesday, November 09, 2004  

God Shamgod
testing one two three!!!

Last yea'rs blog is here
Year before blog before last year is here
Old site of web interntet is here before Germanic retooling!!!
More linkz up there in the linzkz!!! We;cpme to all newcomers and Ira Newble!!!

We shall introduce our interns now for 2005:

Darvin Ham
Spends time on Pistons bench with Wi-Fi connection writing incites and dreaming of Texas TEx slams and District half-smokes !!

Dana Von Postgame Call-In Show Girl
Spends days chasing Rod Strickland memorbillia (anyone have TGIFridays napkinds Rod used on evening of Aug. 23, 2004, after meal of chili and cheese half-smokes?? please contact Danaa!!!) and collecting rare Chico DeBarge MP3s (strictly 192 kps and above but will compromise!!!). AND CALLING INTO RADIO SHOWs with incites!!!! Way to

God Shamgod
Former star of Providence and Wizz first rounder and of Chinaese league Zhejiang Horses and then Zhejiang Wanma Cyclones and then Al Ittihad of Saudi Arabia League Champion (MVP + top scorer) !!! NOW HE"S WIZZNUTZZ STAR INTERN!! Way to go GOD!! Insha'allah!!!

Ken BEatrice
Former leagendary sports host on 630 AM and then 980 AM of radio, IT"S YOUR SHOW!!!! Allegedy Loves being taught in Mothering Hut and corporal mortification!!! WAy to bring da pain and peyote, Ken!!

Jarkko Ruutu
Finland is near Canada so we get northernly perspectives on Wizzings from Finlandia's finest , and since Hockeyt is locked out Jarkko has more time to post incites on Washington Wizards fave team in world this since of Moomintrolls!! Will be guest singing many songs trhis year and is EXPERT at mashups!!! Stay drunking JARKO!!!!!

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 8:13 PM


Also while we try to fix our links and pick up the pieces of the ruined website, never forget our message board! aka THE SPIDERHOLE! Where you can trade incites and game worn shorts with the likes of DAVID VON VANTERPOOL!::

I don't think being called the Hulk will help B Wood's chances during singles night. Imagine if he spilled his Dr. pepper while on a date at Chipoltle, suddenly tables are flipping over and Eddy Curry is reaching for the jewels

That wasn't a very HUlkean move, flailing valley girl style at antonio davis, I guess his time as WNBA correspondant was well spent.

So with this new nickname for wood, is Chamique now called "the Sulk?"

Provocoative Suggestive Incite!

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 6:32 PM


MASSIVE Hot Dog RECALL!!!! Threatens Strickland Christmas! Rod takes magical Half SMoke Express to meat pole to get his christmas faith back. I said meat pole playazzz! Actually all is good, we were worried that with the meat recall, Rod Strickland wouldnt be abkle to send his traditional christmas crads to friends and familys, you know that card, its the one that come in the mailing tube? Rod of course gets all his meats top quality, "bangerzzz" he calls em, air dried and express shippe ddaily from the jarvis Hayes working Beef and Sheep farm Sausage par escellence! par AVion!

One person who won't be getting his Rod meat this christmas is manger babie Tracy Murray. Well thats no suprise. But what was was Knicks waiving Wizard's season three-point field goal leader and charity Bottom TMurr.

SO now is the perfect time to apply for memebrship with
the Tracy L Murray FAN CLUB. Ill be accepted this year for memebrship I am confident!!! I know ive said that before but i am better prepared this time! That one day, I too shall Periodically receive information on Tracy's progress as a professional!!!

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 6:09 PM

Friday, November 05, 2004  

Han-mu, Da-wen Han-mu.

2-0!!! Bring the rapture W! Im ready 2 die!!!

Great game at Bobcats aka the Wizards of the Southeast aka Bernie and the Butterstaffs!

INCITE: having a scoring big loostens the middle!

Old faces! Brevin Knight can rest at peace now that he doesnt have to ask "where do i come from anymore?" And Brevin when he rests he rests in crib from Bellini store that he for real runs with wife when not hunting rats. Nellie offers to Pimp His Crib, sleep like a baby in your developing persons bed cut from hand hewn pacific redwoods with Jim Lynam leprachaun mobile and gin bar! Nellie courtside last nite. jahidi anbd Nellkie! Nellie, meet Bessie, Bessie meet Nellie! Notslagic wonderment of seeing Bernie tight lipped and exasperated by loose play, lockerroom immodesty!

Cheniers Ghiost, special to wizznutzz and asian manservant calls in for TRUE LIFE ACCOUNT of postgame show wrap up when Brian james joyfully discussing princeton offense exclaims "I Love Me SOme Back Door ACtion!" TRUE STORY WHOZZ GOT TIVO!!?!?!?!?!

EXTRA SPECIAL TO THE WIZZNUTZZ international intern Irven DeVore, spends time with young men in other countries, files special Wizznutzz report":

- - - - - - - - - -


BEIJING, PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA--Traveling in the Orient in the offseason, I, Prof. Irven "Magic" DeVore, have made a discovery. At a newsstand here, I obtained a document of tremendous importance and implications:
the July issue of the exquisitely bootleggy SHOW TIME magazine, special "BAD BOY BACK" championship edition.

Truly, the Detroit Pistons are Champions of the WORLD: Pistons pictures hang over couches in living-room displays at IKEA Beijing. And here in China, professional-grade basketball is ripe for refinement, cost-conscious engineering, and successful re-importation to the United States. Yao Ming and Laron Profit are only the beginning; we face a global revolution in this game of lanqiu. As Chairman Mao himself said, "The world is progressing, the future is bright, and no one can change this general trend of history."

True! But there is a place too for Wiz in the global marketplace! Magazine treatment shows that not only can ex-Wiz be re-engineered into world-champion Pistons, but they can be retrofitted with authentic CHINESE IDENTITIES. All participants in Detroit's march to global greatness are profiled in SHOW TIME with a minimum of a half page apiece. And each profile includes a specially chosen NEW NAME for the player, fully rendered in the Chinese language!
In the interest of global understanding and after much struggle with dictionaries, I have been able to translate each name back into English.

SPECIAL AND EXCLUSIVE to the WIZZNUTZZ, here are the Sinologized and re-Anglicized ex-Wiz, spelled out and reinterpretated. All translations guaranteed 100 percent approximate!

At Center:

Pronounced: Ben Hua-lai-shi
Translation: Root China-Weeds-Gentleman
Commentary: Sturdy yet overgrown! And undeniably a gentleman! Ben Wallace!

At Power Forward:

Pronounced: La-xi-de Hua-lai-shi
Translation: Pull-Strange-Virtue China-Weeds-Gentleman
Commentary: Did someone say "weed"? And "strange virtue"? Gentleman Rasheed Wallace!

At Shooting Guard:

Pronounced: Li-cha-de Han-mi-er-dun
Translation: Logic-Investigate-Virtue Chinese-Confidential-You-Kowtow
Commentary: He logically considered his own abilities, and secretly concluded that Salieri should bow to him--not the other way around! Richard Hamilton!

And . . . on the Championship Bench . . . !! . . . . :

Pronounced: Da-wen Han-mu
Translation: Intelligent-Language Chinese-Governess


Investigation reveals that, while leading the Guangdong Tigers to first place, LARON PROFIT also was baptized into the Chinese faith! Actual 100 percent authentic fact!

Pronounced: La-long Pu-rui-fei-te
Translation: Pull-Prosperous Universal-Lucky-Fragrant-Unique
Commentary: THE EAST IS RED!!! Truer truths were never told!

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 5:10 PM

Thursday, November 04, 2004  

SEason of Small Hands, Big Dreams

Wizznutzz have had a long turgid summer. Holidays are not voyages of discovery, but a ritual of reassurance.Gooid times: Fishing, preparing the bacon harvest, Gar Heard as Constable Dogberry in Shakespeare in the Park.

A new season is here. New faces! New incites!
The pride of the southeast!
New Mexico's awards 5 electoral votes to Laron Profit! Mandate for hamslamzzzz!

Coming up soon famous season predictions. also other candid things. Jahidi the Great Pumpkin!!!, steve nash's wife wages new war with Candida!!.

PREDICTION incites starting with SPECIAL TO WIZZNUTZZ correspondent Travis Morrison.

Travis makes music, MOZART was a PUNK! he writes his best songs when teh wizards lose. he writes the songs that makes Landover sing!

- - - - - - - - - - -

Southeast Conference
Atlanta Hawks:
There is a very good chance that this team is going to be starting a forty-two year old center with no arms. I swear to God Kevin Willis looks like his hands sprout directly out of his shoulders. And now they don't even have Dan "The Blue Lagoon" Dickau, with his curly locks and thirteen career three-pointers. Definitely a player for the conference final.

Washington Wizards:
Brendan Haywood comes into my neighborhood gym. No joke. He turns the TV audio on very loud (it's got a little half-a-watt broadcasting gizmo that sends the audio out on FM radio, but does the Wood give a fuck? The Wood does not give a fuck) and he runs on a treadmill for about eight minutes, in a gimpy little skip, watching "Jackass," yelling things like "OH HE IS NOT GOING TO PUT THAT IN HIS ASS! OH NO HE IS NOT!" while white people cower behind balance balls. First place.

Miami Heat:
I don't know what you think you're going to accomplish without Rafer Alston. Rafer Alston can do anything. Rafer Alston can bounce the ball off a defender's face, catch it with his teeth, swallow it, and make it reappear across the court via tears in the space-time fabric. Rafer Alston can't really deal with stress, it must be said: double-teams and slumps seem to have a PCP-like effect on Skip to my Lou. His eyes turn into spirals and he dribbles so fast that the ball becomes invisible to the eye. Well, anyways, he's off to Nunavut now. the Heat did acquire the best player in the history of basketball, they've got that going for them. NBA champs.

Orlando Magic:
This team looks terrible. Steve Francis is the worst. I mean, he can play and all, but what kind of loonytune gets traded away from Yao Ming? I mean, I'll tell you what, you put me on a team with a 7'6" cat with an ass the size of a Cooper Mini, and you know what I do? I kind of throw the ball up near the rim EVERY TIME. EVERY FRICKING TIME. I would occasionally tune into Rockets games and it would blow my mind, watching Stevie Franchise play one on five and eventually put up a no-look jump hook from 16 feet, with a second on the shot clock. They'd even go in sometimes. Whatevs. You should be DOCKED for hitting those shots. Poor Grant Hill. Um, I dunno, these guys could get to the finals.

Charlotte Bobcats:
What was the story with the owner of the original Charlotte team? Was it that he fucked his wife's best friend's dog or something? There was some kind of weird scandal that turned off the squeeky-clean Charlotte community. I don't remember what it was. As a Washingtonian, I kind of couldn't believe it. Jack Kent Cooke used to shoot prostitutes in the face at 7th and N, and his wife, wow... when I was thirteen or so, he had this young Bolivian thing for a wife who was always getting arrested for this and that. I think she attacked a cop once in front of Club Zei. Marlene! Marlene Cooke! Google it. Anyways, Emeka Okafur looked good in the Olympics. Did he play? Anyways, 50 wins at least.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Thanks Travis incites not minor!

posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 4:43 PM

Thursday, October 28, 2004  

Wizznutzz 04/05 coming up! Check back soon for incites



posted by Wizz Nutzz | | 5:34 PM


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