DONT CALL IT A COMEBACK!!!!!!!!!!!

The image is a pant, a breath, but it is an expiring breath, on its way to extinction. The image is that which extinguishes itself, consumes itself: a fall.

-Buzz Bissinger

Ain’t no way against me you can get juice

-Vanilla Ice

DONT CALL IT A COMEBACK!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus Bron Bron, u call yourself KING, you aint even BILLIE JEAN KING!!!!

because Billie Jean didnt cry when she was beaten by a backhand!!!!

SAY oops up side yo head, say oops uposide yo head somebody say obala!!!

When Tuff Juice put tha soul in tha hole destiny turned on the radio and tuned it to Stephen Malkmus who was closing out his set at Wow Hall in Eugene Oregon and honored his playoff promise when he yelled ‘FREE PAPA JOHNS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!’ and now the STICKS and STONES SERIES comes on home, Baby C’Mon!!!!!

The Wizards had to get back to playing basketball so Captain Antawn called a players only meeting after game 4 and sat his teammates down for two hours and read them Shel Silverstein books. And when he was done the team emerged as a real team again, ready for sharing. Nick Young emerged wearing a big cardboard box with a smiley face drawn on it but it turns out that had nothing to do with the Shel Silverstein stuff.


And it wasnt always pretty. Winning UGly isnt just the name of the Popeye Jones’ Learning Annex Seminar, its our new playoff slogan. ArgeyBargey, limbs akimbo, turnovers, stray passes, t-ups, mutt technique. Man DeShawn’s got an ugly shot! DeShawn doesnt shoot the three pointer so much as he squeezes it out!!!! But dont let those cleveland tears and tiaras fool u cuz this aint no beauty contest.

Game 5 answered some big questions, like do the Wiz still have fight in them?
and will they keep their poise?

and like wHo is the worst player in the NBA, Wally Szczerbiak or Anderson Verejao??

Sure ANDY VERAJINA is a bulbous spotfaced shirly temple turdface mofo but WALLY is as special kind of series-turning mess. Those oafy turnovers off the legs, the ball click-clacking off his tindersticks, his eyes cloudy with the powerless and resigned familiarity of old Bob Barker standing a lifetime infront of the giant prop Pachinko game on the Price is Right, thinking about the neutered as the big plastic chip goes click-clacking down to its $5 fate. Wally is so amazingly slow. If Lebron isnt even Billie King Wally isnt even Bobby Riggs.

How slow is Wally??

Wally is so slow he got a sponsorship deal from UGG Boots!
Wally is so slow he hangs round local special ed school looking to drag race the school bus!
Wally is so slow he warms up to Luther Vandross!
Wally is so slow that after games he gets treatment on his bedsores!
Wally is so slow at night he has dreams he’s Tracy Murray!!!!!!!!!!!

SO after this stirring road win why is it all NBA Analists wanna talk about is how they hate Gilbert Arenas?

How team is better off without him? Taking cheap shots at a 3time allstar who took pills and shots just to hobble around for his boyz? Saying team dont need Zero cause they get role playrers involved more when hes not making gamewinners all nitelong. Whatever that means cuz if players standing around thats a coaches problem but even then that doublethink is like saying “hey kick Jack Tripper out of the Regal Beagle so they can develop the character of Larry”.

Most outrageous of the haters is our old friend Mike WIlbon.
He penned some long penny dreadful thats all about some people called “doers” and how DC dont need Gil and Gil talked trash. Hold it Gil didnt talk trash he just was just candid bout wanting to get a shot at the Cavs but theres no personality beads on scorekeeper Mikes big abacus and even so you got a lot of nerve telling people to shhhh it. You aint the Librarian around here! You the towns biggest blowhard. Youre Star Jones pal. These days WIlbons bashing everyone, Gil, and Bloggers!!! grumping like a new money Mr. Wilson, being like hes Basketball Van Guardian, the judge, giving his Cosby sermons on black pride, throwing his phantom weight around, the King of All Leisure lectuiring folks on work ethic, more yappyyappy from the man only made in the lazy old George Michael mafia.

You think you have right to do all that talking

I GOT THE CONCH!
I GOT THE CONCH
I GOT THE CONCH
I GOT THE CONCH

All day long!! Well i hate to break it 2 u piggy but SUCKS TO YOUR CONCH!!!!!!!!! cuz we all got conchs these days!!!! You dont got the only voice now. The rules have changed and they changed because of a little magic thing called COLECOVISION and theres one in every basement and a thoiusand little conchs and a thousand voices on the internet cuz we all get to speak and do our thing, a magic land of freeness where a man can do whatever he can dream, like posting pictures of a nude Maury Chaykin or checking her ranking on the Montgomery COunty Sex Offender database, or where a former great playwriter from Sweden can redeem himself on the Chowhound message boards reviewing the menus of Florida area strip clubs.

Its the internet! Its an opensource frontier, its an apartment with the blinds left up, its a place of gatherers and the gathered, its a midget running through the big science lab letting out the monkeys.

You know who we’d be better off without? Michael WIlbon. Thats who!

Cuz these days you are less relevant in DC than an Arizona Big and Tall store. You smell like obsolesence and it smells bitter and musty like recalled Michael Jordan Incense!

Because Gilbert is the heart of soul of DC hoops.
Hes ANANSI!!! HES THE FOLK HERO!!! THE TRICKSTER!! THE KING OF STORIES!!!!

While u r nothing but a Cowitch

With Gilbert the Wizards are Gabe Kaplans CBS team on Battle of the Network Stars.

Sure the other networks might win more and Chachi can stick his obstacle course record on his tombstone but you play for NBC you play for Savalas, and he was a facist captain, who humiliated his plauyers and set curfews and made Linda Lavin have an abortion all just to win. And u play for ABC you play for Robert Conrad and u get great splits in the team relay but you have to listen to his anti-semitic rants at practice and cover up Dan Haggertys heroin problem.

But you play for Gabe Kaplan you know one thing for sure: win or lose you will have fun, you will wear short shorts and you will hear bad puns and you will remember why you fell in love with sports in the first place and you will shower with Penny Marshall!!!!

NOW ITS INTO THE MOTHERING HUT FOR GAME SIX!!!!

NBA SEASON PREVIEW — PART ONE!!!!

Wizznutzz intern August Strindberg (now on Wikipedia!!!) spent the offseason leading the Jämtland Vermod in the Swedish celebrity “And Nil” summerball league.

He has returned, having looked deep inside himself and, I think you will agree, unearthed a new personal low!

Straight Outta Norra Begravningsplatsen!!!

As each new NBA season approaches, I spend one long night and day riding my decrepit nag around the outskirts of Norra Begravningsplatsen — around and around, again and again, until the nag is lathered and I am moreso.

Simpleminded Swedes — which describes the entirety of my countrymen — laugh and scoff, hurling accusations of futility. Futility? Futility is their life of milking and plucking. Futility is Ronnell Taylor and Jonas Hayes in an off-Broadway revival of “Mame” (though actually their performances turned out to be something of a revelation to this old critic).

Nay, there is nothing futile about this midnight ride. For when my nag collapses with exhaustion and gout, and I stumble home in the dawn gloaming, I know clarity awaits. The ride was only a prelude. The important thing is what the ride has left behind — that is, what the ride has left upon my behind. For I undertake this ride clad in my soiled overcoat and nothing more, my buttocks bare against the bristling back of my sandpapery nag.

The friction is quite invigorating and abrasive. And once I have stumbled home and am huddled by the firelight, I peer upon my constellation of sores, a Rorschach in rashes, and in these runes I read THE FATE OF THE NBA SEASON TO COME.

WHAT TO LOOK FOR

Ira Newble. The Wondering Jew continues to wonder: “Why don’t I ever play?”
ANTI-SEMITISM. The Papists got Sam Jacobsen, and they’ll get you too.
Beware the prickly-thighed albino! A.K.A. Drew Gooden!

WHAT TO LOOK FOR

David Wesley. Where is he? Seriously, I’m not sure. Perhaps he is in a dank seaside town somewhere, weeping into a bowl of steel-cut oats, still wearing last night’s goulash. Or perhaps I am thinking of myself. Be warned, D-Wes — there but for the grace of God go ye and not I.

WHAT TO LOOK FOR

After an away game in New Jersey, as a prank, on a dare from Nick Young, Dominic McGuire decapitates Gilbert Arenas and mails his head back to Laura Govan in Northern Virginia.

WHAT TO LOOK FOR

Mitch Albom wearing an enormous cloth diaper.

Wizznutzz trying hard to digest two unbelieveably of news meat!!!!

ONE:

Last Friday sports blogging god Will “dont hate me because my hair is beautiful” Leitch on Deadspin was ushered into the high altitude media tent to interview Agent Zero .

We all know Will Leitch is a pro, spreading the thickest “Royal We” butter since Bishop STubbs wrote the best-selling Joe Namath mass-market paperback bio “Broadway and We” in 1902, so it wuz no suprize to us that Will didnt lob no Bobo Newsom softballs at Gil, and that before he feinted Will asked him the question thats been on everyones lips:

Have you been to Wizznutzz?

well let me say that IN the wizznutzz offices at that minute all our attention on other things including breathing was suddenly like the bacon in the SIzzlean commercials, and with our focussed brains we levetated that old bacon away from our plates and said “move over bacon, make room for something meatier!(tm)” as we waited for our Hero Zero to answer:

My dad is more into the stuff like that, the RealGM, the Wizznutzz, those types of things. He tells me what’s going on. He was sitting there for five, six hours, posting under fake names, “how do you like that Gilbert Arenas? He’s a jackass, huh?” Just to see what the response is.

It is true, we are CRUSHED to find out the Gilbert doesnt spend 3 hours a day on our site or even just now an then pop by to ask GarBot2000 for legal advice

well let me say that IN the wizznutzz offices at that minute all our attention on other things including breathing was suddenly like the bacon in the SIzzlean commercials, and with our focussed brains we levetated that old bacon away from our plates and said “move over bacon, make room for something meatier!(tm)” as we waited for our Hero Zero to answer:

My dad is more into the stuff like that, the RealGM, the Wizznutzz, those types of things. He tells me what’s going on. He was sitting there for five, six hours, posting under fake names, “how do you like that Gilbert Arenas? He’s a jackass, huh?” Just to see what the response is.

It is true, we are CRUSHED to find out the Gilbert doesnt spend 3 hours a day on our site or even just now an then pop by to ask GarBot2000 for legal advice

WIZZNUTZZ SUMMER FILM SPECTAULAR!!!

Our summer vacation is coming to a close. We have been on a long hianus but we are riding americas great bus system to come home to you!!!!

It has been a quiet offseason for the WIzards. Even for Agent Zero oh except for building ONE MILLION HOMES!!!!!!

But the new season is gonna be hot , hot like “Staff Party Hot” at Royal Bengal Restaurant, hot for us and hot for Agent Zero.

He showed us his TAKEOVER 08 “TO DO LIST” and i can tell u now its got some whoppers!!!

We cant spoil the planz yet, but heres a sample:

Gil unveils plan to stop Global Warming!!!!

Our tip: if you got stock in Airship International, double down cuz someones gotta build those ONE MILLION BLIMPS!!!!

When we move back into our offices at the Wheaton Plaza Circuit City we expect all the big TVs to have the damn football on them.
We hate football these days especially in Washington football .

We have a coach who don’t care about harvesting nuts because he’s waiting for the rapture when all the white man from Houston and suburban VA will all fly up to heavan to be with Jesus and David Duchovnys naked ass , while we all suffer down on earth stuck in an eternal drive-time slot with Doc Walker.

And why is everyone so high on Jason Campbell already??? Why r u so blind so loyal?? Did Dan Snyder lure Leni Reifenstahl out of retirement??
People all say how much poise he has for “standing up in the pocket” .. Its like Chris Rock says : ” You SUPPOSED to stand up in the pocket you low expectation-having motherfucker! !!!!

One thing we are very happy thouigh, is when Redskins signed SUFJAN STEVENS as their kicker. We love his poignantly observant play, and we love the Sadcore open mic nite he hosts Tuesday nights at Greveys. Last week I wept on my poppers when Shar Pourdanesh uttered the lines “I died a miniature death” .. SharPo was showing some serious ASSonance!!!!!

WizzNutzz Exclusive!!!

The Takeover continues!! Gilbert Arenas now in talks with legendary French film company PATHE to make a film!!!

The movie is based on the life of a basketball player who suffers from REM Behavior Disorder and spends his nights acting as secret agent who enters the video game world of Halo II to fight the supervillian organization the Covenant, which is trying to break out of the fourth dimension by sacrificing Mario, Luigi, Banjo and Kazooie, whose mixture of Italian and anthromoporphic blood will open a portal to modern-day Earth, allowing their leader, Brute Chieftain Tartartus, to rule the planet!!!

(Little known fact: This is the same way Isiah Thomas took over the New York Knicks organization!!! Zeke was dating Princess Toadstool, and during one particularly violent evening he jumped on her head and she exploded into a million gold coins, one of which was the key to a secret vault in Madison Square Garden, where Isiah found a stash of compromising nude photos of King Bowser Koopa — a.k.a. James Dolan! MYSTERY SOLVED!!!!)

When Agent Zero enters Haloworld, he’s joined by his trusty though diarrhetic sidekick, Agent Moomintroll, a Finnish mercenary whose main superpower comes from the tail that he holds in his paws and rubs and rubs and rubs until a white, salty, bacon-scented liquid squirts out, rendering his victims incapacitated and thoroughly disgusted!!!

But Brute Chieftain Tartartus is a smart monster, and he knows Gilbert’s alter ego is Agent Zero thanks to the 20,000 counterfeit T-shirts that have made their way into the market!!!! But Gilbert is always one step ahead because he never sleeps, so he’s already come up with a different secret identity: AGENT HIBACHI!!! Unfortunately, he told WashTimes about new nickname, and Tartartus just so happens to be one of the paper’s 27 subscribers!!!! So Tartarus used a needlepoint sketch artist and came up with this illustration of what Agent Hibachi might look like:

Slap me with a moist gameworn!!!! That thing’s practically a Chuck Close!!!!

We can’t wait to see how Agent Zero Hibachi’s secret-agent movie pans out. Maybe it can be a double feature at the drive-in with Who Shot Mamba?

Meanwhile, a happy 83rd birthday to Abraham Lincoln Pollin (shown in center, with Rod Grizzard and some other dudes.)

The Very Reverand Rabbi Abe Pollin is owner of the Bullets, and he’s also D.C.’s No. 1 philanthropist, the former star of Different Strokes, current star of Harry Potter, chief investor in the Wes Unseld Invitro Farm, and inventor of the wrongly maligned mascot named Basket. Many happy returns, Mr. P!

Kiss Me, I’m Black Irish!!!

-Eat Dublin Bay prawns. Cal suffers from shellfish poisoning and his eyes begin to swell, though nobody can notice puffiness through bags. Starts to hallucinate and screams, “I’M THE LORD OF THE DANCE!” Then begins to cry hysterically and whimpers, “Here they call bacon rashers. ” Then laughs manically and demands to hear a Uilleann pipes recital “this bloody minute” and proceeds to break off a combination grind of stepdancing and the Cabbage Patch on U.S. Ambassador Thomas Foley

-Cal greets Dublin kids at Youth at Risk by saying, “Top o’ the morning to you, li’l leprechauns.” A tender hooligan screams back, “Gobshite! You tryin’ to twist hay? Don’t be acting the maggot!” and attacks Cal with the plastic pot of Wizards-logo-branded gold that Rog had handed out to all the lads. Soon, a shower of savages has joined in, but the duo is saved by Wiz assistant director of player personnel Tim Connelly, who dumps a box of outlet-store-rejected Gil Zero flaws, and the kids scramble to find their size and a matching left shoe, of which there are none.

-All boys at the Youth at Risk school are hospitalized because of injuries sustained while trying to wear two right shoes. Cal and Rog go to visit the boys and Rog remarks of the crumbling grey hospital, “This is like Boys Town. Where’s Spencer Tracy?” A boy with bloody bandages covering his left foot shoots back, “Dead, you dry shite! Just like you!” Rog and Cal sprint for the door in fear, and after Rog reaches door he waits for Cal, who is much slower, but he has to keep waiting because the little chisellers, even with their severe limps, catch up with Cal and treat him like a rookie in “the Jahidi years.”

-On a trip to Belfast, Cal wants to dress up a bit for a night on the town, so he throws on his orange pantsuit. He’s jumped in front of Ulster Hall and is called “Protestant scum!” Cal answers back, “I celebrate Kwanza!” Rog sneaks past melee in a bright green dashiki and into a hotel boozer to get “right locked” on Bushmills shooters and growlers of Guinness. Tells bartender to put it on his tab, “Awvee Storey, room 323.”

-Back in Dublin, Rog tells kids on the playground how much he loves U2. Cal shakes his head dismissively and laughs. He puts his hand on Rog’s shoulder in a patronizing manner and says, “U2 are a bunch of pompous fellows, and nobody likes them nowadays. The best band is, by far, HOTHOUSE FLOWERS. Aren’t I right, kids?” The band of gurriers scowl at the Wizards players without contracts and synchronously whip out on their bodhrans and pound them in sync to a slow ominous rhythm while chanting, “Kill the wankers, kill the wankers….” Rog and Cal start to sing along, too, with Cal adding some polyrhythmic beat boxing and Rog freestyling lines such as, “Kill the wankers / The penile spankers / I read Ann Landers / With my friend Ned Flanders.” Sensing the beatdown loss of two players doing free charity work on behalf of his franchise even though they’re not signed for next season, Mr. Pollin decides to save Cal & Rog and swoops in with his helicopter, Black Man Down.

-In a post-trip press release, Cal is quoted as saying, “I loved my time in Ireland, especially the rash.” A follow-up press release was quickly issued with this revisionism: “I loved my time in Ireland, especially the rash[ers].”

The takeover thrusts blindingly forward like a chubb loose backstage at the jockey of the year awards!!!

During last nights game we couldnt believe our ears when Steve Buckhantz drops the following line:

“…their young star, the assassin, the new bond… AGENT ZERO!!!!”

Holy Halo!

We now control your broadcast! !!!

(A nice change it is too for all these years the broadcast controlled us! Whenever we did take one look into big blank stares of Phil Chenier and hear his hypnospeak and next u know, we are in the office with blisters on hands and the mysterious 7-ft pile of mulch on the floor.)

But now the clowns have become the ringmasters and we are the puppetmasters!! and realize our long dream of having our arms way up the backside of Steve Buckhantz putting our own things in his puppet mouth! He is like Senor Wences but with a weaker chin!

Look, we know we have showed great influence on Wizards community before:

like when when we got Mace Webber freed

or when we get Civil Union legislation to include Mascot provisions:

or when we get Christopher Hitchens to drive Duckwagon on edutainment charity stops
(i know u say it was “community service” but edutainment is edutainment son)

and sometimes were even a bit underhanded like when we got word of fight between CHico DeBarge and Rod Strickland and we got examiners office to change official explanation of Rod’s badly bruised buttocks to “slipped in shower”
(NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)

But even with all these this new power is most intoxicating, we feel higher than SkyDog!!!!!!!

The takeover is going so fast we have to catch our breath, and then we call emergency meeting of our takeover team and we gather “Financial” “Legal” and “Penal” and they tell us to hold our mules because this is 2-edged sword and the takeover is at a delicate stage right now, “like a half-smoke balancing on a razor’s edge” Penal says to us.

They say that when Gilbert went all Robin Hood with the TSHirts that he did 2 things:

he gave major boost to BRAND profile but at same time by flooding market with 20,000 free cheaply made Agent Zero Tees he dramatically undermined the brands commercial futures!!!

aka NO HONEYMOON IN HAITI THIS YEAR, NO BIG BITE OF THE MONTH CLUBZ, AND SORRY GARBOT 2000, NO TICKLE ME ELMO EXTREME, shaved or no shaved!!!!!!!!

But we are calm bcuz this isnt the first time WIzznutzz hjave had to deal with severe product oversuppliez.

In 1998 world cheered when we introduced a Boot That Makes Cheese and soon we get email from a man called “Qusay” who says he represent a foreign governemtn and is excited to spend 10 million of humantiarian aid on buying Ike Austin cheeseboots for every sinlge one of his countrys people so they may all have dignity and breakfast. He was very friendly and we were excited to see dream of solving world hunger through our podiatric miracle “one step at a time(TM)”. Qusay told us he is definitely good for the money and of course we trust him because his IM name is “CourtneyalexanderManskillz27”!!!! OMG right!!

SO we fill order and next thing we know ew get visit from man called UDAY who says he is brother of Qusay (but is not nearlky so nice as his brother) and UDay says to us “I belive that my brother made an arrangement with you that he did not have an authority to make. When he tells me of plan to “squish curds under our heels for good” there is a misunderstanding. There will be no order for the boots and there will be no money for you. Is that a mothering hut? Very nice. I have the new model. The interior – very terrifying.”

SO now we have 40,000 Ike Austin CHeeseBoots in warehouse with no home. How do you get rid of such things? Then we remember man we meet in ladies bar in Tiajuana, and Australian man called “Vince” who says he disposes of things. He was very aggravated for an aussie, like a young disturbed Lindsey Gaze, and said he was a boat Captain and showed us steely eyes and steelier hand gun. SO we call Vince and he says “no worries you blokes pay me and Ill take the cheesboots off your hands”.

Next thing we know: dead bottlenose dolphins washing up all over the place with noses stuck in waterlogged cheeseboots!!!!

they say conatiner of boots “accidentally” fell overboard and next thing we know girls from PETA are throwing raw CHUM at Ike Austin during complete package spokesperson appearance at The Donyell Marshall Autism Benefit Golf Game (Slogan: “Hey guys, I damn told you I dont have autism! (TM)”)

But its all good. Because We love Gil. Hes our goddamed Hero!!!

We been here a long long time and seen alot a things.
We were here for Brevin Knights first steps and Steve Blakes first (forced) kiss and we were here for Llorenzo Williams last steps. Losing years on years makes you feel like the dumbest soldier in the the bunker when everyone else is running out but they told you to stay and wait to pay the Atari repair man, and when that bunker is the Cap Centre and your dreams get blown up and then from the ashes rises a new baby bird of hope and hes in the nest with you and you watch him get strong and when its time to fly he jumps out of the nest you yell:
“FLy ! Fly! Remember to always fly high and dont trust the squirrels!”

and he turns to you as he wobbles brilliantly over the hedge and he yelled

“BUT WHO AM I??”

“You are AGENT ZERO and you are a mighty sparrow!!!!”

And then he is gone. ANd We cant follow. We will never leave this nest. Not even though we know the ground down below holds in it the bacon that wriggles.
Butr we always will be by your side , even if no one notices us.
Like Philip Bailey next to Phil Collins because