During last nights game we couldnt believe our ears when Steve Buckhantz drops the following line:
“…their young star, the assassin, the new bond… AGENT ZERO!!!!”
We now control your broadcast! !!!
(A nice change it is too for all these years the broadcast controlled us! Whenever we did take one look into big blank stares of Phil Chenier and hear his hypnospeak and next u know, we are in the office with blisters on hands and the mysterious 7-ft pile of mulch on the floor.)
But now the clowns have become the ringmasters and we are the puppetmasters!! and realize our long dream of having our arms way up the backside of Steve Buckhantz putting our own things in his puppet mouth! He is like Senor Wences but with a weaker chin!
Look, we know we have showed great influence on Wizards community before:
like when when we got Mace Webber freed
or when we get Civil Union legislation to include Mascot provisions:
or when we get Christopher Hitchens to drive Duckwagon on edutainment charity stops
(i know u say it was “community service” but edutainment is edutainment son)
and sometimes were even a bit underhanded like when we got word of fight between CHico DeBarge and Rod Strickland and we got examiners office to change official explanation of Rod’s badly bruised buttocks to “slipped in shower”
(NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)
But even with all these this new power is most intoxicating, we feel higher than SkyDog!!!!!!!
The takeover is going so fast we have to catch our breath, and then we call emergency meeting of our takeover team and we gather “Financial” “Legal” and “Penal” and they tell us to hold our mules because this is 2-edged sword and the takeover is at a delicate stage right now, “like a half-smoke balancing on a razor’s edge” Penal says to us.
They say that when Gilbert went all Robin Hood with the TSHirts that he did 2 things:
he gave major boost to BRAND profile but at same time by flooding market with 20,000 free cheaply made Agent Zero Tees he dramatically undermined the brands commercial futures!!!
aka NO HONEYMOON IN HAITI THIS YEAR, NO BIG BITE OF THE MONTH CLUBZ, AND SORRY GARBOT 2000, NO TICKLE ME ELMO EXTREME, shaved or no shaved!!!!!!!!
But we are calm bcuz this isnt the first time WIzznutzz hjave had to deal with severe product oversuppliez.
In 1998 world cheered when we introduced a Boot That Makes Cheese and soon we get email from a man called “Qusay” who says he represent a foreign governemtn and is excited to spend 10 million of humantiarian aid on buying Ike Austin cheeseboots for every sinlge one of his countrys people so they may all have dignity and breakfast. He was very friendly and we were excited to see dream of solving world hunger through our podiatric miracle “one step at a time(TM)”. Qusay told us he is definitely good for the money and of course we trust him because his IM name is “CourtneyalexanderManskillz27”!!!! OMG right!!
SO we fill order and next thing we know ew get visit from man called UDAY who says he is brother of Qusay (but is not nearlky so nice as his brother) and UDay says to us “I belive that my brother made an arrangement with you that he did not have an authority to make. When he tells me of plan to “squish curds under our heels for good” there is a misunderstanding. There will be no order for the boots and there will be no money for you. Is that a mothering hut? Very nice. I have the new model. The interior – very terrifying.”
SO now we have 40,000 Ike Austin CHeeseBoots in warehouse with no home. How do you get rid of such things? Then we remember man we meet in ladies bar in Tiajuana, and Australian man called “Vince” who says he disposes of things. He was very aggravated for an aussie, like a young disturbed Lindsey Gaze, and said he was a boat Captain and showed us steely eyes and steelier hand gun. SO we call Vince and he says “no worries you blokes pay me and Ill take the cheesboots off your hands”.
Next thing we know: dead bottlenose dolphins washing up all over the place with noses stuck in waterlogged cheeseboots!!!!
they say conatiner of boots “accidentally” fell overboard and next thing we know girls from PETA are throwing raw CHUM at Ike Austin during complete package spokesperson appearance at The Donyell Marshall Autism Benefit Golf Game (Slogan: “Hey guys, I damn told you I dont have autism! (TM)”)
But its all good. Because We love Gil. Hes our goddamed Hero!!!
We been here a long long time and seen alot a things.
We were here for Brevin Knights first steps and Steve Blakes first (forced) kiss and we were here for Llorenzo Williams last steps. Losing years on years makes you feel like the dumbest soldier in the the bunker when everyone else is running out but they told you to stay and wait to pay the Atari repair man, and when that bunker is the Cap Centre and your dreams get blown up and then from the ashes rises a new baby bird of hope and hes in the nest with you and you watch him get strong and when its time to fly he jumps out of the nest you yell:
“FLy ! Fly! Remember to always fly high and dont trust the squirrels!”
and he turns to you as he wobbles brilliantly over the hedge and he yelled
“BUT WHO AM I??”
“You are AGENT ZERO and you are a mighty sparrow!!!!”
And then he is gone. ANd We cant follow. We will never leave this nest. Not even though we know the ground down below holds in it the bacon that wriggles.
Butr we always will be by your side , even if no one notices us.
Like Philip Bailey next to Phil Collins because