Our summer vacation is coming to a close. We have been on a long hianus but we are riding americas great bus system to come home to you!!!!

It has been a quiet offseason for the WIzards. Even for Agent Zero oh except for building ONE MILLION HOMES!!!!!!

But the new season is gonna be hot , hot like “Staff Party Hot” at Royal Bengal Restaurant, hot for us and hot for Agent Zero.

He showed us his TAKEOVER 08 “TO DO LIST” and i can tell u now its got some whoppers!!!

We cant spoil the planz yet, but heres a sample:

Gil unveils plan to stop Global Warming!!!!

Our tip: if you got stock in Airship International, double down cuz someones gotta build those ONE MILLION BLIMPS!!!!

When we move back into our offices at the Wheaton Plaza Circuit City we expect all the big TVs to have the damn football on them.
We hate football these days especially in Washington football .

We have a coach who don’t care about harvesting nuts because he’s waiting for the rapture when all the white man from Houston and suburban VA will all fly up to heavan to be with Jesus and David Duchovnys naked ass , while we all suffer down on earth stuck in an eternal drive-time slot with Doc Walker.

And why is everyone so high on Jason Campbell already??? Why r u so blind so loyal?? Did Dan Snyder lure Leni Reifenstahl out of retirement??
People all say how much poise he has for “standing up in the pocket” .. Its like Chris Rock says : ” You SUPPOSED to stand up in the pocket you low expectation-having motherfucker! !!!!

One thing we are very happy thouigh, is when Redskins signed SUFJAN STEVENS as their kicker. We love his poignantly observant play, and we love the Sadcore open mic nite he hosts Tuesday nights at Greveys. Last week I wept on my poppers when Shar Pourdanesh uttered the lines “I died a miniature death” .. SharPo was showing some serious ASSonance!!!!!

Kiss Me, I’m Black Irish!!!

-Eat Dublin Bay prawns. Cal suffers from shellfish poisoning and his eyes begin to swell, though nobody can notice puffiness through bags. Starts to hallucinate and screams, “I’M THE LORD OF THE DANCE!” Then begins to cry hysterically and whimpers, “Here they call bacon rashers. ” Then laughs manically and demands to hear a Uilleann pipes recital “this bloody minute” and proceeds to break off a combination grind of stepdancing and the Cabbage Patch on U.S. Ambassador Thomas Foley

-Cal greets Dublin kids at Youth at Risk by saying, “Top o’ the morning to you, li’l leprechauns.” A tender hooligan screams back, “Gobshite! You tryin’ to twist hay? Don’t be acting the maggot!” and attacks Cal with the plastic pot of Wizards-logo-branded gold that Rog had handed out to all the lads. Soon, a shower of savages has joined in, but the duo is saved by Wiz assistant director of player personnel Tim Connelly, who dumps a box of outlet-store-rejected Gil Zero flaws, and the kids scramble to find their size and a matching left shoe, of which there are none.

-All boys at the Youth at Risk school are hospitalized because of injuries sustained while trying to wear two right shoes. Cal and Rog go to visit the boys and Rog remarks of the crumbling grey hospital, “This is like Boys Town. Where’s Spencer Tracy?” A boy with bloody bandages covering his left foot shoots back, “Dead, you dry shite! Just like you!” Rog and Cal sprint for the door in fear, and after Rog reaches door he waits for Cal, who is much slower, but he has to keep waiting because the little chisellers, even with their severe limps, catch up with Cal and treat him like a rookie in “the Jahidi years.”

-On a trip to Belfast, Cal wants to dress up a bit for a night on the town, so he throws on his orange pantsuit. He’s jumped in front of Ulster Hall and is called “Protestant scum!” Cal answers back, “I celebrate Kwanza!” Rog sneaks past melee in a bright green dashiki and into a hotel boozer to get “right locked” on Bushmills shooters and growlers of Guinness. Tells bartender to put it on his tab, “Awvee Storey, room 323.”

-Back in Dublin, Rog tells kids on the playground how much he loves U2. Cal shakes his head dismissively and laughs. He puts his hand on Rog’s shoulder in a patronizing manner and says, “U2 are a bunch of pompous fellows, and nobody likes them nowadays. The best band is, by far, HOTHOUSE FLOWERS. Aren’t I right, kids?” The band of gurriers scowl at the Wizards players without contracts and synchronously whip out on their bodhrans and pound them in sync to a slow ominous rhythm while chanting, “Kill the wankers, kill the wankers….” Rog and Cal start to sing along, too, with Cal adding some polyrhythmic beat boxing and Rog freestyling lines such as, “Kill the wankers / The penile spankers / I read Ann Landers / With my friend Ned Flanders.” Sensing the beatdown loss of two players doing free charity work on behalf of his franchise even though they’re not signed for next season, Mr. Pollin decides to save Cal & Rog and swoops in with his helicopter, Black Man Down.

-In a post-trip press release, Cal is quoted as saying, “I loved my time in Ireland, especially the rash.” A follow-up press release was quickly issued with this revisionism: “I loved my time in Ireland, especially the rash[ers].”

The takeover thrusts blindingly forward like a chubb loose backstage at the jockey of the year awards!!!

During last nights game we couldnt believe our ears when Steve Buckhantz drops the following line:

“…their young star, the assassin, the new bond… AGENT ZERO!!!!”

Holy Halo!

We now control your broadcast! !!!

(A nice change it is too for all these years the broadcast controlled us! Whenever we did take one look into big blank stares of Phil Chenier and hear his hypnospeak and next u know, we are in the office with blisters on hands and the mysterious 7-ft pile of mulch on the floor.)

But now the clowns have become the ringmasters and we are the puppetmasters!! and realize our long dream of having our arms way up the backside of Steve Buckhantz putting our own things in his puppet mouth! He is like Senor Wences but with a weaker chin!

Look, we know we have showed great influence on Wizards community before:

like when when we got Mace Webber freed

or when we get Civil Union legislation to include Mascot provisions:

or when we get Christopher Hitchens to drive Duckwagon on edutainment charity stops
(i know u say it was “community service” but edutainment is edutainment son)

and sometimes were even a bit underhanded like when we got word of fight between CHico DeBarge and Rod Strickland and we got examiners office to change official explanation of Rod’s badly bruised buttocks to “slipped in shower”

But even with all these this new power is most intoxicating, we feel higher than SkyDog!!!!!!!

The takeover is going so fast we have to catch our breath, and then we call emergency meeting of our takeover team and we gather “Financial” “Legal” and “Penal” and they tell us to hold our mules because this is 2-edged sword and the takeover is at a delicate stage right now, “like a half-smoke balancing on a razor’s edge” Penal says to us.

They say that when Gilbert went all Robin Hood with the TSHirts that he did 2 things:

he gave major boost to BRAND profile but at same time by flooding market with 20,000 free cheaply made Agent Zero Tees he dramatically undermined the brands commercial futures!!!


But we are calm bcuz this isnt the first time WIzznutzz hjave had to deal with severe product oversuppliez.

In 1998 world cheered when we introduced a Boot That Makes Cheese and soon we get email from a man called “Qusay” who says he represent a foreign governemtn and is excited to spend 10 million of humantiarian aid on buying Ike Austin cheeseboots for every sinlge one of his countrys people so they may all have dignity and breakfast. He was very friendly and we were excited to see dream of solving world hunger through our podiatric miracle “one step at a time(TM)”. Qusay told us he is definitely good for the money and of course we trust him because his IM name is “CourtneyalexanderManskillz27”!!!! OMG right!!

SO we fill order and next thing we know ew get visit from man called UDAY who says he is brother of Qusay (but is not nearlky so nice as his brother) and UDay says to us “I belive that my brother made an arrangement with you that he did not have an authority to make. When he tells me of plan to “squish curds under our heels for good” there is a misunderstanding. There will be no order for the boots and there will be no money for you. Is that a mothering hut? Very nice. I have the new model. The interior – very terrifying.”

SO now we have 40,000 Ike Austin CHeeseBoots in warehouse with no home. How do you get rid of such things? Then we remember man we meet in ladies bar in Tiajuana, and Australian man called “Vince” who says he disposes of things. He was very aggravated for an aussie, like a young disturbed Lindsey Gaze, and said he was a boat Captain and showed us steely eyes and steelier hand gun. SO we call Vince and he says “no worries you blokes pay me and Ill take the cheesboots off your hands”.

Next thing we know: dead bottlenose dolphins washing up all over the place with noses stuck in waterlogged cheeseboots!!!!

they say conatiner of boots “accidentally” fell overboard and next thing we know girls from PETA are throwing raw CHUM at Ike Austin during complete package spokesperson appearance at The Donyell Marshall Autism Benefit Golf Game (Slogan: “Hey guys, I damn told you I dont have autism! (TM)”)

But its all good. Because We love Gil. Hes our goddamed Hero!!!

We been here a long long time and seen alot a things.
We were here for Brevin Knights first steps and Steve Blakes first (forced) kiss and we were here for Llorenzo Williams last steps. Losing years on years makes you feel like the dumbest soldier in the the bunker when everyone else is running out but they told you to stay and wait to pay the Atari repair man, and when that bunker is the Cap Centre and your dreams get blown up and then from the ashes rises a new baby bird of hope and hes in the nest with you and you watch him get strong and when its time to fly he jumps out of the nest you yell:
“FLy ! Fly! Remember to always fly high and dont trust the squirrels!”

and he turns to you as he wobbles brilliantly over the hedge and he yelled


“You are AGENT ZERO and you are a mighty sparrow!!!!”

And then he is gone. ANd We cant follow. We will never leave this nest. Not even though we know the ground down below holds in it the bacon that wriggles.
Butr we always will be by your side , even if no one notices us.
Like Philip Bailey next to Phil Collins because