The image is a pant, a breath, but it is an expiring breath, on its way to extinction. The image is that which extinguishes itself, consumes itself: a fall.

-Buzz Bissinger

Ain’t no way against me you can get juice

-Vanilla Ice


Jesus Bron Bron, u call yourself KING, you aint even BILLIE JEAN KING!!!!

because Billie Jean didnt cry when she was beaten by a backhand!!!!

SAY oops up side yo head, say oops uposide yo head somebody say obala!!!

When Tuff Juice put tha soul in tha hole destiny turned on the radio and tuned it to Stephen Malkmus who was closing out his set at Wow Hall in Eugene Oregon and honored his playoff promise when he yelled ‘FREE PAPA JOHNS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!’ and now the STICKS and STONES SERIES comes on home, Baby C’Mon!!!!!

The Wizards had to get back to playing basketball so Captain Antawn called a players only meeting after game 4 and sat his teammates down for two hours and read them Shel Silverstein books. And when he was done the team emerged as a real team again, ready for sharing. Nick Young emerged wearing a big cardboard box with a smiley face drawn on it but it turns out that had nothing to do with the Shel Silverstein stuff.

And it wasnt always pretty. Winning UGly isnt just the name of the Popeye Jones’ Learning Annex Seminar, its our new playoff slogan. ArgeyBargey, limbs akimbo, turnovers, stray passes, t-ups, mutt technique. Man DeShawn’s got an ugly shot! DeShawn doesnt shoot the three pointer so much as he squeezes it out!!!! But dont let those cleveland tears and tiaras fool u cuz this aint no beauty contest.

Game 5 answered some big questions, like do the Wiz still have fight in them?
and will they keep their poise?

and like wHo is the worst player in the NBA, Wally Szczerbiak or Anderson Verejao??

Sure ANDY VERAJINA is a bulbous spotfaced shirly temple turdface mofo but WALLY is as special kind of series-turning mess. Those oafy turnovers off the legs, the ball click-clacking off his tindersticks, his eyes cloudy with the powerless and resigned familiarity of old Bob Barker standing a lifetime infront of the giant prop Pachinko game on the Price is Right, thinking about the neutered as the big plastic chip goes click-clacking down to its $5 fate. Wally is so amazingly slow. If Lebron isnt even Billie King Wally isnt even Bobby Riggs.

How slow is Wally??

Wally is so slow he got a sponsorship deal from UGG Boots!
Wally is so slow he hangs round local special ed school looking to drag race the school bus!
Wally is so slow he warms up to Luther Vandross!
Wally is so slow that after games he gets treatment on his bedsores!
Wally is so slow at night he has dreams he’s Tracy Murray!!!!!!!!!!!

SO after this stirring road win why is it all NBA Analists wanna talk about is how they hate Gilbert Arenas?

How team is better off without him? Taking cheap shots at a 3time allstar who took pills and shots just to hobble around for his boyz? Saying team dont need Zero cause they get role playrers involved more when hes not making gamewinners all nitelong. Whatever that means cuz if players standing around thats a coaches problem but even then that doublethink is like saying “hey kick Jack Tripper out of the Regal Beagle so they can develop the character of Larry”.

Most outrageous of the haters is our old friend Mike WIlbon.
He penned some long penny dreadful thats all about some people called “doers” and how DC dont need Gil and Gil talked trash. Hold it Gil didnt talk trash he just was just candid bout wanting to get a shot at the Cavs but theres no personality beads on scorekeeper Mikes big abacus and even so you got a lot of nerve telling people to shhhh it. You aint the Librarian around here! You the towns biggest blowhard. Youre Star Jones pal. These days WIlbons bashing everyone, Gil, and Bloggers!!! grumping like a new money Mr. Wilson, being like hes Basketball Van Guardian, the judge, giving his Cosby sermons on black pride, throwing his phantom weight around, the King of All Leisure lectuiring folks on work ethic, more yappyyappy from the man only made in the lazy old George Michael mafia.

You think you have right to do all that talking


All day long!! Well i hate to break it 2 u piggy but SUCKS TO YOUR CONCH!!!!!!!!! cuz we all got conchs these days!!!! You dont got the only voice now. The rules have changed and they changed because of a little magic thing called COLECOVISION and theres one in every basement and a thoiusand little conchs and a thousand voices on the internet cuz we all get to speak and do our thing, a magic land of freeness where a man can do whatever he can dream, like posting pictures of a nude Maury Chaykin or checking her ranking on the Montgomery COunty Sex Offender database, or where a former great playwriter from Sweden can redeem himself on the Chowhound message boards reviewing the menus of Florida area strip clubs.

Its the internet! Its an opensource frontier, its an apartment with the blinds left up, its a place of gatherers and the gathered, its a midget running through the big science lab letting out the monkeys.

You know who we’d be better off without? Michael WIlbon. Thats who!

Cuz these days you are less relevant in DC than an Arizona Big and Tall store. You smell like obsolesence and it smells bitter and musty like recalled Michael Jordan Incense!

Because Gilbert is the heart of soul of DC hoops.

While u r nothing but a Cowitch

With Gilbert the Wizards are Gabe Kaplans CBS team on Battle of the Network Stars.

Sure the other networks might win more and Chachi can stick his obstacle course record on his tombstone but you play for NBC you play for Savalas, and he was a facist captain, who humiliated his plauyers and set curfews and made Linda Lavin have an abortion all just to win. And u play for ABC you play for Robert Conrad and u get great splits in the team relay but you have to listen to his anti-semitic rants at practice and cover up Dan Haggertys heroin problem.

But you play for Gabe Kaplan you know one thing for sure: win or lose you will have fun, you will wear short shorts and you will hear bad puns and you will remember why you fell in love with sports in the first place and you will shower with Penny Marshall!!!!