Kiss Me, I’m Black Irish!!!

-Eat Dublin Bay prawns. Cal suffers from shellfish poisoning and his eyes begin to swell, though nobody can notice puffiness through bags. Starts to hallucinate and screams, “I’M THE LORD OF THE DANCE!” Then begins to cry hysterically and whimpers, “Here they call bacon rashers. ” Then laughs manically and demands to hear a Uilleann pipes recital “this bloody minute” and proceeds to break off a combination grind of stepdancing and the Cabbage Patch on U.S. Ambassador Thomas Foley

-Cal greets Dublin kids at Youth at Risk by saying, “Top o’ the morning to you, li’l leprechauns.” A tender hooligan screams back, “Gobshite! You tryin’ to twist hay? Don’t be acting the maggot!” and attacks Cal with the plastic pot of Wizards-logo-branded gold that Rog had handed out to all the lads. Soon, a shower of savages has joined in, but the duo is saved by Wiz assistant director of player personnel Tim Connelly, who dumps a box of outlet-store-rejected Gil Zero flaws, and the kids scramble to find their size and a matching left shoe, of which there are none.

-All boys at the Youth at Risk school are hospitalized because of injuries sustained while trying to wear two right shoes. Cal and Rog go to visit the boys and Rog remarks of the crumbling grey hospital, “This is like Boys Town. Where’s Spencer Tracy?” A boy with bloody bandages covering his left foot shoots back, “Dead, you dry shite! Just like you!” Rog and Cal sprint for the door in fear, and after Rog reaches door he waits for Cal, who is much slower, but he has to keep waiting because the little chisellers, even with their severe limps, catch up with Cal and treat him like a rookie in “the Jahidi years.”

-On a trip to Belfast, Cal wants to dress up a bit for a night on the town, so he throws on his orange pantsuit. He’s jumped in front of Ulster Hall and is called “Protestant scum!” Cal answers back, “I celebrate Kwanza!” Rog sneaks past melee in a bright green dashiki and into a hotel boozer to get “right locked” on Bushmills shooters and growlers of Guinness. Tells bartender to put it on his tab, “Awvee Storey, room 323.”

-Back in Dublin, Rog tells kids on the playground how much he loves U2. Cal shakes his head dismissively and laughs. He puts his hand on Rog’s shoulder in a patronizing manner and says, “U2 are a bunch of pompous fellows, and nobody likes them nowadays. The best band is, by far, HOTHOUSE FLOWERS. Aren’t I right, kids?” The band of gurriers scowl at the Wizards players without contracts and synchronously whip out on their bodhrans and pound them in sync to a slow ominous rhythm while chanting, “Kill the wankers, kill the wankers….” Rog and Cal start to sing along, too, with Cal adding some polyrhythmic beat boxing and Rog freestyling lines such as, “Kill the wankers / The penile spankers / I read Ann Landers / With my friend Ned Flanders.” Sensing the beatdown loss of two players doing free charity work on behalf of his franchise even though they’re not signed for next season, Mr. Pollin decides to save Cal & Rog and swoops in with his helicopter, Black Man Down.

-In a post-trip press release, Cal is quoted as saying, “I loved my time in Ireland, especially the rash.” A follow-up press release was quickly issued with this revisionism: “I loved my time in Ireland, especially the rash[ers].”